The Ghost of New Years Past

Today is the first day of a new year. While it is time to look toward the future--at all the things I hope this new year will bring, the goals I want to set, etc., I find myself looking back at where I've been. And I've been in some scary, sad, weird, and wonderful places.

Our New Year's Eve celebration last year was much different than this year's. This year, we stayed home, had dinner together as a family, and after we put the baby to bed, Mister and I ate an enormous bowl of popcorn while watching a movie. Before the movie was even over, though, I was asleep on the couch, with a thin ribbon of drool running down my chin. When the movie was over, we turned on the TV to the famous Time's Square scenario to discover there were only 10 minutes until midnight. Well, welcome to New Year's Eve at the Lameski's house--we went to bed. Kissed each other good night and turned off the light with only minutes to go until 2007 ended and 2008 began. But, we were happy. Tired, for sure, after many recent sleep-deprived nights with a teething and sick baby, but happy. Happy to be tired, happy that there was a baby fast asleep in the other room. 2007 had been good to us, so there was no urge to stay up to usher in the New Year. After what we'd been through in 2006, the turn-around and life-changing events of 2007, we have nothing to be scared of or desperately hope for from 2008.

However, last year's New Year's Eve was different.

As 2006 came to a close on December 31st, and 2007 rounded the corner, I rang in the New Year with tears of anguish, anger and loss. 2006 was a year in which we had finally become pregnant, after nearly 2 years of trying, only to see our worst fear realized with a miscarriage. Then, later that same year, we visited our first ever RE who told us, (well me, really) that I would never have a biological child. About a month after that, sister in law #1 gave birth to a child who had been conceived only a couple of weeks before our own child-that-was-never-born had been. November came and I wept for the baby that should have been born on November 11th, 2006. 2006 was a year of incredible grief, which ended, no less, than with sister in law #2 announcing her pregnancy. Of baby #3. At Christmas. So at Midnight, on January 1, 2007, I ushered in the New Year with racking sobs. I no longer held out any hope for good things to come. It seemed as if things just kept getting worse. I was tired of hoping. I was tired of living. I didn't want to ring in another year.

However, 2007 was different.

We finally completed our paperwork and home study. And, in February, we got The Call that would change our lives. We met Eryn, Baby Boy's birthmother, and Matt, his birthfather. In March, we traveled to Boise, Idaho again for the birth of our son. We not only became parents, we embarked on a journey, and lived through an experience that we never could have imagined in our wildest dreams. Our adoption experience, and the relationships we created, changed the way we see life, and maybe even renewed our faith in humanity and, dare I say it? God. Our adoption experience changed us. We forged a relationship with Baby Boy's birth-grandparents (Eryn's mom and dad) that we still continue to cherish. We have created this weird, wonderful, extended family. And, we still find ourselves scratching our heads and saying, "we never thought this would happen."

Don't get me wrong. I still spent a lot of time grieving my infertility in 2007. I still struggled with my anger and jealousy as friend after friend announced their pregnancies or gave birth to babies. I'm not saying that 2007 changed everything and made everything ok. I think the experience of infertility has changed me--and though I may one day be totally past the point of even wanting to try to get pregnant anymore, though I may one day come to a place where other peoples' pregnancies don't even annoy me, I will never be the person I was before infertility. However, 2007 shifted things. In 2007 I saw the return of something that had been gone for too long: Joy. The joy I feel when I look at my son is impossible to put into words. The new life that has been breathed into our household, our marriage, as a result of becoming a family--is hard to describe.

So, the present is pretty good. As I start a new year, what do I want from The Future?

I'm not one to make resolutions. To me, making a resolution means that I am going to attempt to change some ingrained part of my personality. And let's face it: At age 35 (almost 36!) I am unlikely to change enough to keep a resolution. Like, to be more organized. Ha! It feels like setting myself up for failure. So, I'd rather set "goals". Goals are something you work toward, and can hopefully see the progress as you go. So, I need to give some more thought to what my goals for 2008 will be. I'll get back to you on that. And, as far as my dreams, hopes and wishes for what 2008 will bring? Well, for the last 4 years I've always said, "to become pregnant." But I think for now, on this first day of a new year, I will just send up a prayer for continued health and well-being for my little family. No matter how many things I may still want, I am feeling very thankful for what I have right now. Thank you 2007. 2008: Bring it on! (And please be kind.)