I'm Still Here

Sorry I've been so quiet lately. It's not for lack of things to talk about. June was a very strange/stressful month. I have been putting all my focus on Handsome Man....everything is ok but we had some hard times there where he really needed my full attention. It is a long story and I will write more later but I had to have him out of daycare for a little while (and I still had to work) so it has been a challenging time. Things are getting back on track, but I'm exhausted. Luckily, he is staying at Grandma and Grandpa's for a couple of days because my SIL is visiting from Phoenix with her two little ones and the little cousins are all having a blast. Mister and I will join the fun on Friday and spend the holiday weekend out there. But right now I should be getting to work, but I can't tell you how pleasurable it is to have slept in a little this morning and to be actually catching up on reading blogs!! Wow!! I have been totally and completely off the blogosphere "grid" for a while now. Okay, off to work....

Pointless?

5 years. 1 pregnancy. 1 miscarriage. 

And now, one laperoscopy which resulted in doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for me.

Yes, they found endo. 

But barely any.

They removed what was there. But it hasn't made a difference in my INability to get preggo. (As I sit here on CD1. Again).

And guess what? Apparently, my horrible cramps have not been caused by endo but by some other condition that they can't do A THING about. (Something about the way my uterine lining grows....I dunno). 

So, no answers about what's causing my infertility (we're just back to the drawing board with me having craptastic eggs).

No change in my ability to get preggo. (Even Doctor Wonderful said in our follow-up that I'm no better off. Exactly where I started.)

AND! No pain relief.

Hahahahahahah! 

I'm sick of reading Infertility sites/blogs/articles/message boards where women tell their success stories. Everyone seems to find their silver bullet:

1. I stopped drinking coffee!

2. I took XYZ supplement!

3. After my HSG I got pregnant!

4. Got preggo after a lap!

5. Stopped eating X or ate more Y!

6. Started running!

7. Stopped vigorous exercise!

8. Gained weight!

9. Lost weight!

10. Went on vacation with hubby!

11. Wheat grass!

12. Got thyroid treated!

And my personal favorite....

13. We just "gave up"/were between treatments/started the adoption process/etc.. and....

BOOM! SURPRISE! WE GOT PREGNANT WITHOUT EVEN TRYING!

I can't take it any more. 

Funk It

I am in a funk at the moment about all things fertility. 

Other than that I'm pretty happy.

Well. Mostly. 

I am really loving being a mom. 

I am not so much loving other stuff. 

I can't go into it right now.

And I don't think last month's normal 28 day cycle was luck finally turning my way. I feel like I'm about to get my period again and it's another shortie cycle.  We have not made any headway on fertility treatments. I think we were hoping the surgery/thyroid treatment would turn things around.

But I don't have a lot of time to waste any more on a "wait and see" attitude.

Blechh. Blah. Ugh. Gah!

Coming up on my 3-year anniversary of losing my one and only pregnancy. 

Whatever.

Two.

I can't believe it. My little baby ("little" is not really an apt description for my very tall, burly toddler--but he is still "little" in my eyes) is TWO YEARS OLD TODAY!! Oh my God. Where has the time gone? I am feeling really misty and sentimental, thinking a lot about his birth, those early days when we were trying to figure everything out. How little he was. How it felt to hold him that first time. How I used to be able to carry him in one arm, sort of like a football, when I needed my other hand to say, fill a bottle or grab a nappy. 

I am filled with gratitude--such a wonderful, charming, happy, loving, funny, unique person surely never existed before or will henceforth--right? (I know all moms feel that way about their children, and this is my blog--my world--so in this place I am right. Hee hee). How on earth did we get so lucky?

And for some strange reason yesterday I found myself trolling our old adoption agency website... hmm...

Unfortunately, my plans for a big birthday party in the park this Sunday are being rained-out, so I am trying to figure out what to do. My house is too small for a party, unfortunately (grrrr.). Oh well! As long as Handsome Man has fun and gets some cake (and balloons!!) he'll be happy. And when he's happy, I'm happy. 

TMI POST: Um, Where Is My Period? *UPDATED*

'Kay. I had the hysteroscopy on the 6th. I bled. For about a week. Sort of like a period: 2 days of flow, a few days of spotting. Then it sort of dragged out for a couple of days. Thought I was done, and then I'd spot a little more. Repeat. Ok. Then I was done. And, well. Somewhere between when the spotting dropped off and er, like NOW I should have gotten a period. My real one. So, was that my period? Which would have been really early. Which would be bad. But, today I am spotting again. Just a wee little bit. Is this my period? If it is, well, that could be good... because it would be a normal (for me) cycle length. After the hysteroscopy + ensuing flow, I could understand if my period is extremely light. But how am I to tell if this is the real thing or what? See, I am paranoid. Is it all over? Are my periods disappearing (menopause?). Or, is the synthroid making them go away? Or, am I having a period right now, and it's at an appropriate time but it's just light cuz of the surgery and I should be happy cuz it's at the right time and it may be a sign that something is actually going in the right direction if my cycles are getting longer again? Or, or or or!!!! What? It is impossible to tell where I am in my cycle right now. It is so weird! It is one thing to not know where I am in a cycle, but I don't even know which cycle I am in, and where I am in in it? Ya know? Kinda. Freaking. Out. Want. Answers.

Follow up with Dr. Wonderful next week.

Going to ask for referral for Endocrinologist too.

**Edited to add: Got the Real Thing today! Woot woot! Never been so happy to get my period. If I am correct, then I just had a very normal 28-day cycle. Of course I'll need to see if the trend continues in the coming months, especially since I had the whole surgery thing smack dab in the middle of the cyle, but if this means the thyroid meds are doing something right, then I am a very happy camper. So happy. 

Quick Update

Surgery went well! I am feeling pretty good. I'm not even having to take any pain meds today. Just need to keep sort of still. I was pretty groggy when the doctor spoke to me after the surgery, so I may have missed a thing or two, but he also spoke to Mister. So the info I have is that he didn't find a lot of endo but they did remove what they did find, which was mostly on my ovaries. He also removed a cyst from one of my ovaries. They did another HSG (so happy to be asleep for it this time!) and one of my tubes was blocked, but he was able to flush it out, I guess. Ute looked good--no scar tissue from my D&C so that is reassuring. 

It was a little hard being back at the same hospital where I had my D&C but luckily, they have a brand new outpatient surgery center, so I was actually in another building and did not find myself in a miserable dej'a vu. 

I have a follow up appointment scheduled with Dr. Wonderful, so I'm sure I'll get the replay then. 

Thank you to everyone who sent me well-wishes, and thanks a million to all the folks who sent me information and advice about the thyroid stuff. Once again, I am amazed and grateful for this wonderful, supportive community! 

Dr. Google, You're Making Me Crazy

Today's appointment. Ok. I am a little confused. I know I said I wished for a thyroid problem if it would account for my wonky cycles. Here's what I got: Thyroid levels=perfect. However, Anti-thyroid antibodies=elevated. Hashimoto's or Graves disease. I have been Goog.ling them all afternoon, and I am, well, not sure what to think. I do have a lot of the symptoms: fatigue, foggy brain, forgetfulness, low libido, DEPRESSION. But, while it does say it can cause changes in menstrual cycles, I haven't found anything to specifically indicate shortening of cycles. So, I am not sure if having this problem is in some weird Bizarro-IF world actually "good" news, or if it just means it has nothing to do with my wonky cycles and it can't really be fixed, and just adds more problems to my reproductive plate (not to mention over-all health and quality of life). It sounds like there is no cure for this problem and it will get worse over time (according to Dr. Google). My real life doctor seemed pretty non-plussed. (My levels were low). But when I brought up the short cycles he prescribed me a thyroid medication and said to see if this returned my cycles to normal. If not, well, then I may just be f%*ked. Two ways. 

OY!

Lap and hysteroscopy is still on for Friday. The doctor was worried about interfering with any potential pregnancy (based on where I am in my cycle.) I was like, seriously? It's HIGHLY unlikely. But will have to take a pregnancy test before the surgery. Haha.