Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Some Days...

For the most part, I have been making a very concerted effort, these past few months, to be more positive. I have really been trying to banish my gloom-and-doom thoughts, my thoughts of jealousy, frustration and anger, and trade them in for thoughts that make me feel as happy or as hopeful as possible. I think I've been doing a pretty good job. I think if you asked my husband he would probably agree--I've been in a better mood lately. For instance, on most days, when I see a pregnant woman, instead of thinking, "why her and not me?" Or, the even more dark, "that will never be me!" I've been trying to think, "One day that will be me." At first, it felt really forced, and un-natural. (I'm way more cynical than that). But after a while, it got easier. I'm not 100% sure if I believe myself all the time (about 100 times a day--those pregnant women are everywhere). But, it sure feels better than telling myself it will never happen. And, if those Depak Chopra types have anything going, then all that positive thought/creative visualization/whatever/ can't hurt my chances.

But, then there are days like today. Days when I can't muster up the positive thoughts to do battle with the negative ones. Days when despair, doubt and sadness all come flooding in. A day like today, when I am on the brink of getting my period, a FULL WEEK early, that I feel as though all hope is lost. I can't help feeling like, now that we are finally on the cusp of getting treatment, when we finally had a shred of hope, that the rug is being pulled out from under me. Having a 3-week cycle, I fear, signals the beginning of the end: a spiked FSH, the shorter periods the doctor last year told me were imminent, and impending menopause. My hope seeps out of me on days like today. And, today was one of those days when I found out my good friend (I used to call her my 'best friend' but that's another story) just gave birth to a baby boy. Of course I am thrilled for her. But I am also sad, and jealous. Jealous because it only took her a few months of having good old-fashioned s.e.x with her husband, to become pregnant. And that is the whole story for her. Jealous and sad that the story for me includes years of trying and NOT getting pregnant, a full year of testing, a 'teaser' pregnancy (finally pregnant! Oh, sorry, no heart beat), a d&c, tens of thousands of dollars spent on all those tests (which my insurance did not cover) and an adoption. Jealous that the status of "motherhood" for me also includes the words: Birth-parents, adoptive parents, Birth-mother, Biological Mother, Social Worker, Home-study, Court Date, etc., and not the words: Labor, Delivery, Pregnancy, Maternity Ward, Doula, Midwife, Breast Feeding.

And today is one of those days when I start to think that all the acupuncture, wheat grass, caffeine-abstinence, alcohol-abstinence, and clean living, ain't gonna do a thing for my eggs, and, who have I been trying to kid. Myself, apparently. Maybe my husband is right, and, I should save my money, and while I'm at it, eat whatever the f#*k I want. And have a coffee, dammit!! Today is the type of day when I do think, "maybe I will never be pregnant." Which is a thought that makes me so sad, I can't even deal.

But I still try really hard to get to the next-best-feeling thought that I can. Anything that is a leg up from despair. Despair is a terrible place to reside, and I was living there for a long time. I still visit, but I try not to stay too long. When I'm feeling really bad, I just try and close my eyes and picture my son's face. I picture him smiling at me, and my heart feels like it grows 3 sizes bigger, and I can't help but smile. I think about how I feel when I am holding him and he reaches up and touches my face and my hair with his little hands. I let that feeling wash over me, and I know that one thing has gone very right today.

But, either way, today is a day when I could really use some encouragement. And a beer. Ah, dangit!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Out, Out, Damned Teeth!

Oh, poor baby. Oh, poor Mommy. Mister and I awoke last night at 3:30 to the sound of shrill, ear-piercing cries. Baby Boy neeeever cries like this. He is such a mellow guy. So, you know he is reeeaaally upset/in pain when something like this happens. This poor kid is getting his MOLARS (already! at six months!) and this is just more than he can handle at this moment. Ugh. Long story short, I was awake with him until about 5:30 a.m.. He wouldn't fall asleep anywhere but lying on my chest. Finally, fiiiinally, he was able to go in his crib after he had fallen asleep with me on the couch. Poor guy was pretty cranky today as well. Needless to say, so am I.

There is no doubt that I am his Mommy though--when he was in the throes of his painful cries, guess who was crying too? That's right. His mommy. It just hurt me so much to see him in such distress. I felt like my heart would break.

God, I love that boy.

Now, get on with it, molars! And stop torturing my son!!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

And That is Why You Get a Second Opinion!

Okay, I'm feeling much more human now, after a full-night's sleep. Did I say I was off to "make dinner" in my last post. Har, har. Actually my adorable husband made dinner. But you should know that "making dinner" for us consists of opening the freezer and deciding what sort of boxed item will be opened and put in the microwave or oven. Last night's meal was a delicious veggie burger. Mine with a big helping of sliced avocado. Yummm.

Anyway, enough blathering. On to the visit with the RE. We'll call him Dr. Nice. So, Dr. Nice looked over all my medical records, including the results from the ultrasound and my consultation with Dr. A. Hole last year. Dr. Nice said that though my FSH was high, it wasn't thaaaat high. He also said that my antral follicle count from last year's ultrasound (at Dr. A. Hole's office) was pretty good. The same antral follicle count that Dr. A. Hole looked at last year and deemed my ovaries and any chances of getting pregnant with my own eggs a useless waste of time. Hmmm. Dr. Nice said that as long as my FSH hasn't spiked dramatically in the past year, and my antral follicle count was still "good" (as high or close to last year) then we should definitely try to get pregnant with my eggs first before moving on to DE. He also said we had some time to try some lower-impact, lower-cost measures first (IUI) because I am "ONLY" 35. Yes. He said that. He actually said time was on our side.

We then proceeded to the ultrasound room where I said hello to the dildocam again to check the ol' antral follicles. At day 6 of my cycle, there were 3-4 visible on the right, and 6-7 on the left. A total of AT LEAST NINE!!! Pretty good, eh? I know I won't win any contests with a twenty-something fertile woman, but, hey, at this point I am not going to complain.

So, now, decision time. Dr. Nice seems to think we should try IUI with Clomid first. Up to three rounds, before moving on to IVF. And, as far as IVF goes, we figure we can probably save up and afford to try it...maybe...ONCE. Hmmm. My friend, B., who was a patient of Dr. Nice (and who is now pregnant from her first IVF) told me her advice would be to skip all the IUI's and go directly to IVF. Why waste the time and money? However, she did IUI's with her regular OB, and not Dr. Nice. By the time they came to Dr. Nice, they were ready to move on to IVF. Also, their insurance paid for a whole lot of the IVF costs. Ours pays nothing. Zip. Zilch. The only thing our insurance will cover in any of these scenarios is the Clomid. Ha, ha. So, we think we kinda want to at least try the low-cost option once or twice to see if we get lucky? You never know, right? But I think B. is right--we don't want to waste too much time or money if it just isn't working.

So now, we need to schedule our first IUI. I can't believe I'm actually moving on to a real attempt to get pregnant. It's exciting and scary. Scary because we know there is noooooo guarantee it will work. But exciting because now there is this dose of HOPE that we have not had for many years now. Since our appointment, it has been like this huge black cloud has been lifted between Mr. and I and just around us in general. It's like, just having someone (Dr. Nice) who is in our corner, and cheering us on, is such a validation. It feels so great to have an ounce of hope again.

Of course, if I DO get pregnant, we'll have to figure out how a family of FOUR is going to live in our teeny tiny house. But, that's fine with us. Small thing to deal with compared to what we would have to be happy about. Am I dreaming too much? How much hope is it safe to have, here?

Oh, yeah--I'll have to get my FSH re-checked. Gulp.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007


Soooo busy with work and other stuff the past couple of days--no time to write. Got up at 5 a.m. this morning to go to the Flower Market, and just got home from work. Exhausted. So, the very quick update on the RE appointment: I LOVE MY NEW RE!!! The appointment went very well, and now Mister and I have much to consider. I will spill all the details soon. I promise. But now I must make dinner, play with Baby Boy and go to bed early. ZZZZzzzzzzzzzz

Monday, September 10, 2007

Gird Your Loins!

Alright, I'm going in...
Today is the day. My appointment with a new RE. I am very nervous and sort of jittery right now. Which is weird, because up until today, I've been totally calm about the whole thing. I guess now that it's here...I am nervous about what he is going to say. I am afraid it will just be more bad news. Or, I should say, the same news as before. Which is bad. I am afraid he will just give me the whole Donor Egg speech again. I'm afraid he will say I have useless ovaries.

The good news this time though, is....I am a little better prepared. I know some things he might say, and I though I don't want to hear them, I am prepared to hear them. This time around, I am at least already a Mom. I have that little boy to go home to, so I feel a little less desperate. A little. Also, my sister is coming to meet me and take care of Baby Boy during our (Mister is coming with me, thank goodness) appointment. So, I have double support if it goes badly. This time I have more questions to ask, and I am also more empowered with the knowledge (despite what this RE might tell me) that women with my condition can and do get pregnant. Some even naturally. Many with the help of drugs, IUI, or IVF. With their own eggs. And....that even if none of those things ever work for me, I know two things: 1. I am a good mother, and my son loves me. If we adopt again, my other child(ren) will love me, too. 2. If I reeeeeaaaally need to experience pregnancy some day, I can do the Donor Egg thing later, when finances allow. There is not such a rush if I'm not using my eggs, and I can still experience pregnancy.

But, I still want a miracle. I still want that pregnancy. I still want some spark of hope. I still want a different outcome than what has come before.

We shall see. I'll update tomorrow.

Wish me luck!!

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Small Disappointments

I awoke a few minutes before my scheduled alarm this morning (aka 4:45 a.m.--it's Flower Marketing day) to that familiar feeling of Aunt Flo knocking on my uterus door. "Ugh," I thought as I slithered out of bed, tiptoed over the sleeping dog, and skulked into the bathroom, "why now?" Well, why not now? At least she's fairly punctual. Fairly. The sad thing was that earlier in the week I thought I was supposed to get AF and I allowed myself (foolishly) to get a little excited that perhaps, maybe, possibly, she was l.a.t.e.. But, a quick review of my calendar yesterday proved me wrong by a few days, and, of course, here she was this morning, on the dot, so to speak.

And, unlike in times gone by, I didn't dissolve into sadness. I didn't get angry and frustrated. Just mildly annoyed as I popped a few Ibuprofen. A minor, albeit regularly scheduled, inconvenience.

But, all that silly hopefulness, and "what-if, just maybe..." kind of thinking over the past couple of days, had me in a really good mood. Which, I must admit, is not totally crashed-and-burned, but is much, much, dimmer considering this morning's arrival.

But why would I even let myself think for a minute that this month would be any different than the all the other months that have come and gone over the past three years?

Dunno. Eternal (guarded) optimist?

I have been trying some new fun ("fun"-?) fertility stuff though: The acupuncture, as you know. I also started using a new fertility ("fertility"-ha.) monitor, called "Maybe Baby" which I purchased off the Internet. A simple dot of spit on the little lens tells you if you are about to ovulate by the ferning pattern that appears when you look at your saliva under the mini-microscope. Quite fun to play with, actually, and much more convenient for my busy lifestyle right now than OPK's and BBT charting.

The super healthy diet and the no caffeine or alcohol thing though has been a challenge. I've sort of been off and on with the "diet" since last winter, after I read "The Infertility Cure" by Randine Lewis. I'll admit, it's much easier to do during my slow season when I have more time to plan, shop for, and prepare my meals, and I'm not always on the go-go-go. Cooking at home? What? Not till November or so, when work slows down.

But, somehow, I guess I held some hope that maybe something would shift for me.

But, no--not this month.

However, I guess, now is the beginning of a new cycle, and another chance to work on things in fertility land.

Gotta try and drink my wheat grass more often.

Ah well....for now it's okay to indulge in some much needed wine (and whine?) on the first day of the new cycle, right? I think I'll be picking up a bottle of white on the way home. I can go back on the wheat grass and sugar-free wagon tomorrow, right?

Tomorrow is another day....

p.s. As I write this, my "intern" (the 18-year-old pregnant one) is chatting away about her "bump" to one of the other girls. Oh heck. Where's that bottle of wine?!

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Not Much to Report

Hello All,
First, I want to thank everyone who sent me their supportive comments. It is so nice to be reminded that there are other people out there who can actually understand what I'm going through, and are empathetic. Not many people around me are super sensitive to the whole thang that is INFERTILITY!.

My friend, J. is about 10 days away from her due date. I had the opportunity to spend some quality girl time with her a week ago, and I have to say, I am pretty proud of myself. I asked her to tell me how she was feeling, I let her "complain" about her pregnancy symptoms, and I just tried to be a good friend, and put that whole IF thing on the shelf as much as one can. At the end of our "friend date" I even put my hand on her belly to feel the baby kicking, and I put my face near her belly button, and said, "Little Dude, this is your Auntie Frenchie, I can't wait to meet you. Be nice to your mommy when it's time for you to come out! I love you." And, even though tears were appearing as I stood back up, I meant it all. It is possible to love your pregnant friend, love her baby, be happy for her, wish her the best of everything, and still be a little bit sad that it's not you in her shoes.

And, in my own little world, I have been going crazy as usual with work/home/life responsibilities, but I have to say, it all means nothing when I look at Baby Boy. Every time I think it is NOT possible to love that kid any more than I already do, another day goes by, and I discover a new level of love for him. Sometimes, I'll be holding him, giving him a bottle, or just playing with him, and I just start crying (Okay I cry a lot. I'm a cryer. V. annoying) because I just loooooove him so much! And I can't believe he's MY son. I guess that's what being a mom is all about...just being so in love with your child, that it is bigger than you ever could have imagined, and impossible to really explain. Adopted, biological child, product of donor eggs, donor sperm, in vitro, carried by surrogate, whatever the case...your child is your child. The most precious person in your life, the person that makes you A MOM! How wonderful! How awesome! Anyway, he is such a gift from that Big Guy Upstairs. And, I just felt that I should let y'all know, that despite the frustration of the whole IF thing, (which I mostly talk about here on this blog) that I am very aware of how dang lucky I am. I am. I know. Deeply privileged to be his mother.

Phew. Getting a little ver klempt.

In other news, my appointment with my new RE approaches (Sept. 10th). I don't know if he'll have anything new or interesting to tell me, but we'll see. If they are willing to do IUI with us, it might be something to consider. A cheaper option than IVF. Waaaay cheaper. *sigh* I don't know.

A very nice person made a comment on my last entry about Donor Eggs. Yes, it is in the list of Things to Consider. The good thing about donor eggs would be (aside from a high chance of actually getting pregnant and delivering a healthy baby! *My darn eggs--phhhhhtttt*) that there wouldn't be such a huge rush. I mean, if we're not worrying about my ageing eggs, and since there's nothing wrong with my uterus, etc., I could certainly do the whole DE thing in several years. Which is probably the amount of time it would take to save up the money to do it. Hmmmm.

Anywhoo...what's up with you all?