Friday, January 30, 2009

No, I Can't Relate. I Can. But I Can't. (Preg. and M/C Ment.)

This post could also be labeled, "The One In Which You Decide Frenchie is Really Not that Nice of a Person After All."

I got an email this morning. This was from an old friend, and it was one of those "catch up" emails since we haven't been in touch for many many months.

Somewhere in the middle of the email was this line:

We had some happy news and then some sad news recently. My sister was expecting baby #3, but lost it at about 4 1/2 months. It was a little boy, just like my nephew was hoping for. She's doing ok, but some days are worse than others. It's just sad, as I'm sure you can relate.

Okay. First of all. I am sorry for your sister's loss. That is horrible. Yes, I too have experienced a miscarriage, and it was in very early pregnancy. Even so, it was horrible, and I still grieve that loss. I can't imagine, nor do I want to ever know what it is like, to lose a baby that far along. Horrible. Terrible. I can understand on some level, yes. It saddens me to hear, and my heart goes out to your sister. Really. I hope she is doing ok.


But then there's the other side of me. The ugly side that has been broken and bruised by infertility. The side that says, "No, I can't relate! Uh, did you say baby #3? Oh, you did. Well, I'm sorry of course for her loss, but she has 2 children already. She has had 2 (from what I know of your sister--and I've never met her) blissfully wonderful pregnancies that turned into real live children. So now she has experienced a loss. Yes, a terrible loss. But hey, welcome to a little taste of my world. Yes, I know what it's like to have the happiest moment of your life turn into the saddest in one single instant. It sucks. It's a loss of more than just your baby. It's a loss of the innocence and the hope that you had before this happened. The innocent world you lived in where good things happened to you because you are a good person, and because you expect things to go well. You expect to be happy and to have happy outcomes in everything. After miscarriage, you don't live in that world anymore. And, no, I don't wish it upon anyone. Not your sister. I'm sorry.

But still.

Yes, I understand.

Wait, no I don't understand. She has TWO children. And, from what I know of your sister, once she is healed and ready to try again, she'll have no problem getting pregnant again. And chances are, it will result in a healthy baby for her. And I hope that's true. I realize the loss of that baby is not just a loss for your sister, but for your whole family. Her husband, the other two children, and the rest of the family who were all anxiously and happily awaiting this new life. I get it. My heart goes out to you all.

But that's the evil part of what has become of me thanks to Infertility. I feel for your pain, but at the same time, I'm actually jealous. That's right. Jealous. I've had ONE. ONE! Pregnancy. It ended. I was not ever able to get pregnant again since. When I had my miscarriage, I didn't have two children already with me to hold and love on. I was absolutely back to zero. Apparently, that was my one lucky/unlucky shot at pregnancy. So see? I don't really relate. I wish I had the ability to get pregnant by just having sex with my husband. Not that I want to experience another miscarriage--no--but if I could at least GET pregnant that would be something! Something to give me some hope to carry on trying.

Anyway, call me bitter. Call me a bitch. Call me unenlightened. You may be right.

AF arrived this morning with all her glory, my last cycle before I turn 37. Cue curtain. Go ahead and BOO me. Go on. I'm not too big a fan of me right now either.

Thursday, January 29, 2009


Mister found this article and forwarded it to me this morning. Good grief. Please read. It's not only scary as a mom in regards to what we give our children (even though I am an avid label-reader, and I know you guys are too) but it's also scary for our own health. I occasionally have a "treat" once in a while of a Coke, for instance. I knew the high fructose corn syrup and the caffeine weren't doing me any good, but didn't realize I was also putting mercury into my body!! Check out the list (I cut and pasted below) of foods where mercury was found!! Yikes. Also, crazy illustration in the article. Is that shit for real? It wouldn't surprise me.

Table A: Total mercury detected in 55 brand name foods and beverages high in HFCS

Product Name Total mercury detected (ppt) Laboratory detection limit (ppt)
Quaker Oatmeal to Go 350 80
Jack Daniel’s Barbecue Sauce (Heinz) 300 100
Hershey's Chocolate Syrup 257 50
Kraft Original Barbecue Sauce 200 100
Nutri‐Grain Strawberry Cereal Bars 180 80
Manwich Bold Sloppy Joe 150 80
Market Pantry Grape Jelly 130 80
Smucker’s Strawberry Jelly 100 80
Pop‐Tarts Frosted Blueberry 100 80
Hunt's Tomato Ketchup 87 50
Wish‐Bone Western Sweet & Smooth 72 50
Coca‐Cola Classic 62 50
Yoplait Strawberry Yogurt 60 20
Minute Maid Berry Punch 40 30
Yoo‐hoo Chocolate Drink 30 20
Nesquik Chocolate Milk 30 20
Kemps Fat Free Chocolate Milk 30 20
Hy‐Top Syrup ND 50
Hawaiian Punch Fruit Juicy Red ND 50
NOS High Performance Energy Drink ND 50
A & W Root Beet ND 30
Dr. Pepper ND 30
Wyler's Italian Ices ND 30
Market Pantry Ice Pops ND 30
Kool‐Aid Bursts Tropical Punch ND 30
Kool‐Aid Cherry Jammers ND 30
Sunny‐D ND 30
Snapple Peach Iced Tea ND 30
Powerade Orange ND 30
Lipton Green Tea ND 30
Zoo Juice Orange ND 30
Tropicana Twister Cherry Berry Blast ND 30
Fanta Orange ND 30
Pepsi ND 30
7‐Up ND 30
Hi‐C Wild Cherry ND 30
Jell‐O Strawberry ND 100
Market Pantry Applesauce ND 100
Mott's Applesauce ND 100
Campbell's Tomato Soup ND 100
Aunt Jemima Original Syrup ND 100
Hershey's Caramel Syrup ND 100
Hershey's Strawberry Syrup ND 100
Market Pantry Thousand Island ND 100
Smucker’s Strawberry Syrup ND 100
Heinz Hotdog Relish ND 100
Market Pantry Cranberry Sauce ND 100
Market Pantry Tomato Soup ND 100
Ocean Spray Cranberry Sauce ND 100
Mrs. Butterworth Original Syrup ND 100
Heinz Tomato Ketchup ND 100
Wish‐Bone Thousand Island Dressing ND 100
Welch's Grape Jelly ND 100
Nesquik Strawberry Milk ND 20
Land O’ Lakes Chocolate Milk ND 20

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Not Helpful


It really doesn't help when you call me up to remind me (like I needed reminding) of the birthday I have looming in a couple of weeks. It doesn't help when you not-so-tactfully ask me if I "ever think of having another child?" (Yes, I think about it daily/hourly/by the minute) I guess that is indicative of how out of touch you and I are emotionally. It has always been this way. You don't get me. You don't listen to what I tell you. But you sure know how to make me feel like crap. It doesn't help me when you remind me (again, as if I needed reminding!) that I am about to turn the exact age that YOU were when you conceived me by some miracle. It doesn't help me to hear you say, "Oh, keep an open mind. It could happen to you." Just because you got pregnant at 37 has NOTHING to do with my situation. Don't think I am not dreading turning this age. It will be just another marker for me to arrive at, and then pass, with yet again, no pregnancy. See, I wanted to have 2 kids by the time I was 35. I finally got pregnant at 34 and figured, well, I'd be started by 35 and that was good. Then I miscarried. But, I thought, for sure I'd get pregnant again soon, before I turned 35. 35 came and went. Much teeth-gnashing ensued because I knew this was the point at which "they" say a woman is "over-the-hill" fertility-wise. But, surely, I thought, I'd be pregnant by 36. No? Ok, somewhere in my 36th year. Nope? Kay. I'm about to turn 37 and I realize now that no amount of wishful thinking is going to make it happen. Yes, I am thankful and grateful for the son that I have. But it doesn't help me when you say things like, "Even though he didn't come from your womb....." He is mine and I am his. That is all we need to say about that. I am not going through life living some fantasy that I birthed this child. I was there when he was born. I know he didn't come out of my body. I only wish my own pitiful cage of a body could produce something so perfect, so angelic, so beautiful, so amazing. If you must know, sometimes I feel like I don't deserve him, but I digress.

No 37 is just another year I may be unsuccessful. I don't want to put any demands or goals on this year, though I know I can't help but. No, it does not help me one little bit when you urge me to keep an open mind. To think "positive". Holding out hope and thinking positive is torturous. But, of course, I can't expect you to understand.

I can't have this discussion any more. Click.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

A Little Distraction

Tracy my old bloggie friend challenged me to come up with 10 favorite things--starting with the letter C.

Here goes:

1. CHOCOLATE. Preferably the dark kind. None of that wussy milk chocolate stuff!

2. CAFFE LATTE. With lots of foam, please.

3. Chardonnay.

4. Crowded House.

6. COSTA RICA. It's where Mister and I spent our honeymoon. It seems like an eternity ago. It was such a happy time. Before we knew we were infertile. Before the pressure of "trying" had begun. Newly married and the future ahead of us. A future that was blissfully on hold while we spent our days in a swimming pool, with a swim-up bar or walking along the beach picking up shells...

7. CHOCOLATE COSMOS. I know that sounds like a really fancy cocktail, but it is a type of flower. It is a deep deep burgundy-brown color, with velvety looking petals, and yes people--it smells like CHOCOLATE!! (See #1)

8. While we're talking about cocktails, how about it. COCKTAILS or COCKTAIL HOUR is another favorite thing.

9. CHEESE. Oh, Cheese. How I love thee. Bleu, feta, cheddar, Swiss, Edam, Gouda, mozzarella. Is anyone else hungry?

10. COMEDY. I love comedic things. Anything that will make me laugh. Sketch comedy, comedic movies, stand-up, spoofs. For instance, I wanted to marry Joh.n before I met Mister. And let's face it, in some parallel universe, I still do. I also think this man (*beware if you click the link: bad language*) is a genius, may he rest in peace. I used to stay up late during childhood on Saturdays to watch (what is now 'classic') Sat.urday Nigh.t Liv.e. And I love humorous books, such as the Davi.d Se.daris variety.

There, 10 favorite things starting with the letter "C". If you want to play along, leave me a comment with one of your favorite, uh, C-words--and then I'll "assign" you a letter of your own for your own blog. Cheers!

Friday, January 16, 2009

De-lurk, Will Ya?

So, it's like "de-lurking week", or some such. Or so I gather from other sites I've been trolling.

Okay, so if you are lurking...pull back the curtain and say, "hiya!". It would mean so very much.


Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Coming Up to Speed

Here's a little bit of what's been going on in my world since Thanksgiving...

I chipped one of my front teeth pretty badly when I was a kid. Luckily, I was so young that it continued to grow in. After I got my braces off as a teen, my dentist shaved my two front teeth down to match. You couldn't tell. I've always been told I have really nice teeth and a pretty smile. However, I've always had these tiny little fractures that ran through the enamel of that tooth. Nothing you could see easily, and they never bothered me. Until recently. A few times in recent months I have been head-butted by my rambunctious toddler. Pretty darn hard. Right in the mouth/chin. Over Thanksgiving I was noticing that my front tooth was feeling very sensitive. Luckily for us Mister's company had just switched health insurance, which included dental. So, right after Thanksgiving I went to the dentist and had it checked out. I had no idea the saga that would ensue. The cracks in the tooth had gotten really bad and one was going up into the nerve. One was dissecting the other and the tooth was bound to break any time. I was given three choices: 1. wait for the tooth to crack. 2. Get a crown. 3. Get two matching front veneers (the best option cosmetically speaking). Which do you think I chose? Yep. 3. Which was the most expensive? Yep. 3. And, I had no idea what a long, painful process it would turn out to be. A week later I returned to the dentist to have my teeth prepped for the veneers. Let me just say it was not pleasant. Then, I was given these two janky-looking temporary veneers that I had to wear for two weeks until my real ones came in. My teeth were very sensitive and I was not allowed to bite into anything with my front teeth while I had the temporaries on. And to make matters worse, the soonest they could get the real veneers in was....Dec. 24th. Christmas Eve. Ack. On Christmas Eve I got my real veneers, and I thought the problems were over. Well, they're not. Something is wrong. I have been having a lot of sensitivity and pain, and I have been back to the dentist who just told me this was "normal" and sent me packing. I am going to be making an appointment with another dentist (got a referral from some people at Mister's work) and getting a second opinion. I know it's just teeth and all, but for me it has been sort of traumatic, and has been affecting my quality of life enough to make me a little bummed out.

December 20th: Happy Adoption Day:
We celebrated our first annual Adoption Day. It's hard to believe that it's been one whole year since our adoption was finalized. Handsome Man is still too young to understand the event, but he sure was happy with the balloons (he's crazy for balloons!) and the cupcakes we enjoyed to celebrate. Here's a photo from that day with the judge in the courtroom. What a happy day!

And here's Handsome Man enjoying his first ever chocolate cupcake to celebrate Adoption Day 2008:Christmas:
We spent Christmas in Lodi with Mister's mom and dad. Mister's sister and brother and their families couldn't make it out this year. But, Mister's grandmother was here from Sydney, which is always nice. Handsome Man got so many choo-choos and choo-choo related items, (he's crazy for Tho.mas or anything having to do with trains) it's almost sickening. He is a very lucky (spoiled?) little boy, for sure. Mark and Patty and Eryn sent a big box full of goodies. Really nice. I got a new purse, some socks, and lots of little tidbits. I had a pretty bad cold over Christmas, and on top of the tooth pain I was a little out of it, but it wouldn't be Christmas if I wasn't sick!! (Last year I was just getting over a terrible stomach bug!!)

-- As soon as I can figure out how to upload some photos from Mister's camera I'll update with photos from Christmas--

New Year's Eve:
Was terrible. Mister and I had a fight (awesome!). He fell asleep around 10:00 and I stayed up by myself reading to ring in the New Year. It was a little disappointing. I had made a nice (or so I thought) dinner and we had a bottle of champagne, but I kind of felt like I shouldn't have bothered. Mister was not that impressed with the food (I tried a new recipe--though I would knock his socks off!). But oh well. Plus, ever since we've started this infertility journey, I get a little depressed at the New Year--especially since another birthday is right around the corner for me. Another year passed, another year older, and.... I would say, what have I got to show for it, but I know that I do have an amazing, smart, loving, engaged, happy child, and that is something to be grateful for and proud of. But, I have to admit, I've been a little down since we rang in the new year.

What's Ahead:

Yep, crazy as it sounds, just to make things more insane, we're planning on moving. The main reason being that Mister can't handle the commute he is currently doing for much longer. We need to move somewhere closer to S.F. and on a BART line (that's Bay Area Rapid Transit for those of you not familiar with our local lexicon). It is not only important for Mister and Mister's sanity, but for our family as a whole. As it is right now, he rarely gets home before 8pm and HM is usually already asleep. I'm exhausted by that time, too, and of course Mister is as well. We eat dinner, zone out for a little while in front of the tube and then fall asleep. Lather, rinse, repeat, Monday through Friday, and you get the idea. Not fun. So, we're moving. We are going to rent a house (we're in the process of looking now) big enough for our family of 2 adults one active toddler, 2 cats, 1 dog, and my floral business. This means renting a house with at least a two car garage, and 3 bedrooms. We hope to rent out our home (which we own, but can not sell in the current market). Before then, I/we have lots to do to get it rental-ready. Painting, bathroom facelift, and some serious work in bedroom #1 ("master bedroom, if you can call it that) which will include cutting out some drywall and replacing it (there is a leak causing it to mildew behind the wall. I know, nice) painting, re-caulking the window, etc.. A few little finishing touches in the newly re-done kitchen, etc. It is a lot of work....and we'll have to do most of it after we're moved out.

Fertility Treatments?
Mister and I both have started yearning for another child. I know this is a turn around from a few months ago, when Mister was being pretty gloom and doom about the possibility. The other day, we were both giving HM a bath, and Mister turned to me and said, "Can we have another one of these, please?" The comment made me happy and sad at the same time. Happy, because I know that means that the possibility exists for another child in our future. Sad, because I can't just give him another child effortlessly like "everyone else." Bringing another child into this house means, tough decisions, compromise, financial stress--a whole complicated ball of wax. If my body weren't such a piece of shit I could give my husband the family he always wanted, money wouldn't be such a stressful part of our life, we could afford OTHER things that we want, etc., etc.. Oh yeah, and I could fulfill my dreams of birthing a child. All of that.

Anyway, we've started talking about it. We are considering giving IVF a Hail Mary try....we have to work out how much we are going to throw at it though, because we have limited resources. We are considering going overseas for treatment. Meanwhile, I turn 37 next month and I know our chances of success are dwindling as we speak. Gahhhhhhhh. I go back and forth between being excited at the return of hope and possibility, and being frightened and feeling, well, doomed.

A few things that are working in our favor though--Mister did finally get the pay increase he was hoping for. (Otherwise we wouldn't be considering moving or treatments or any of this). My CPA is a goddess and I ended up owing a lot less to the IRS than originally thought (and was able to pay it without having to go on a payment plan). The business debt from Mister's old company should be paid off by April. So, I'm just hoping that my business will pick up a little from last year and I'll be able to bring home the bacon in a serious way again and help make all of this possible. It's a lot at once, but we really can't afford to wait if we're going to do it, we need to pull the trigger.

Phew! So that's the bulk of it--Happy New Year!

Monday, January 12, 2009


I am feeling a little low at the moment (no biggie--more later), but I will try to give it my best shot, lest I lose any and all peeps still reading my blog: The long overdue Thanksgiving update.

I think some of the things that kept me from updating after the Big Thanksgiving were just that 1. I was still sorting through my own feelings/impressions from the visit with Eryn and Mark and Patty, et al. 2. Some of the things I feel/want to say may not come off as the nicest or most P/C of things to say, at least with the extremely P/C adoption crowd (though I don't know if any of those folks read my blog anyway). 3. Nothing that extreme great anecdotes to share. 4. I've been feeling lazy. Especially when it comes to blogging. Almost avoiding, well yes definitely avoiding it and I'm not sure why.

I'll try to give a synopsis of Thanksgiving.

We headed out to the in-law's house in the country (which, as you may remember was empty and open for us to use as my MIL and FIL were traveling in Morrocco) a few days ahead of Thanksgiving just to have some time to ourselves as a family. Mister was able to work remotely-from there-so he was still busy during the day, but it was nice to be all together, and he didin't have to commute. Also just nice having a great big house to spread out in.

HM and I finished our shopping and busily started preparing for our guests. I made cookies. It was lovely. I felt so domestic and happy. Seriously.

On Thanksgiving morning, I had my arm shoved deep inside the turkey carcass when Eryn, Mark and Patty arrived. (Eryn's brother Ethan chose to stay home and have Thanksgiving with friends--can't say I blame him!). It was so great to see them. Seeing Mark and Patty again, was just like, ahhhh....yay! Family. (The kind of family you're always happy to see). Eryn smiled and looked happy to see HM, but she stayed pretty reserved. She didn't rush up to grab him and give him a squeeze or anything. I tried to "read" her facial expressions and body language, but honestly couldn't tell how she was feeling. Of course Mark and Patty were holding him and loving him right away, and HM acted as if he remembered them. It was just like being with family for him, it seemed.

They only stayed Thursday and Friday night, and were off early Saturday morning. Basically the entire time they were there, Eryn spent to herself, on the couch or up in her room, texting or talking on the phone. I don't know if it was with Matt or friends, or both. Not really my business, but she definitely kept to herself. Both Nick and I tried to make it clear that we were totally ok with her spending as much time with HM as she wanted, etc., but she seemed more interested in texting. We tried to involve her in conversation but she kept pretty quiet. Unless I asked her a direct question, she didn't talk much. I did try to engage her, but only to a point. When I had moments alone with Mark or Patty I asked how she was doing and they both seemed frustrated by her behavior. I was like, well maybe it's hard for her, but Mark seemed to think she just "wasn't interested." As it turned out Mark had to practically force her in the car--she balked at the last minute and said she didn't want to come. I thought it was because she was worried/unsure about seeing HM and being with us, but Mark seemed to think it was because of her on-again/off-again relationship with Matt, which was currently "off". Eryn wanted to be around to make sure he wasn't hooking up with anyone else, etc., etc..

She did spend some time with HM, don't get me wrong. On Thanksgiving evening., she and Patty gave him his bath and put him to bed. I was really happy about that. I was glad Eryn got to spend some quality time with HM without me hovering. And I was happy to have the break after all the cooking, etc.. There was a teeny tiny part of me that was shocked (and slightly hurt) that he went down without a fuss even though it wasn't ME who was tucking him in. Even at home he usually won't go to sleep without crying buckets of tears if I don't do the tucking in honors. Daddy isn't even good enough, if you know what I mean. So, the next evening when they put him down again, and he started bawling his eyes out and screaming like a banshee after they left his room, I felt a little vindicated (is that terrible?). I let an acceptable amount of time go by, so as not to seem like I was swooping, then went in and spent some time with him and tucked him in. Off to sleep he went without another peep. (Visualize me grinning widely).

All that being said, there was definitely not a feeling (at least on my part) of any kind of rivalry or struggle for his affection with Eryn. I felt very much at ease, much more than I had even thought I would. It was just so clear who Mom was. And, I love, love, love seeing him interact with Mark and Patty. It just makes me feel good, it feels right, that they should be a part of his life. And they love him very very much. But at the same time, they are very respectful of not wanting to be labled "grandparents". As I've said before they are just happy to be "Uncle Mark and Aunt Patty."

Eryn couldn't get out of there soon enough it seemed. And I talked to Mark after they got home and he said she was silent (texting away) both on the drive out (10 hours!) and the drive home, with not so much as a "thank you for making this happen" or anything. Mark told me this was the first, and last trip with Eryn that he would facilitate. From now on, it's up to her. And, he believes, she probably won't be itching to come out any time soon. He seems to think she's just not that interested.

So, how do I feel about my son's birth-mother being "not interested" in being a part of his life?

Ok, this is the part that is going to make all the P/C adoption bloggers send me mean comments. Please don't send me mean comments.

I feel....


There. I said it.

Not that I don't want Eryn in his life. I went out of my way (along with Mark and Patty) to make this all happen. I wanted this. I needed this visit. I want HM to be able to know Eryn and have a relationship with her as he chooses. But for me, personally, this is so much easier than having to emotionally manage a relationship with a birth-parent who is dying to see him, missing him, calling all the time, etc.. I'm sorry if that sounds selfish or whatever. It's just the truth. Seriously, if she calls up one day and says, "I want to come out" my door is open. But I don't have to think about it and try to make things happen at this point. The ball is in her court.

And if she decides to totally drop out of HM's life, that is her choice. For HM's sake, honestly, I hope she doesn't. But my heart is at peace knowing no matter what he will have a bond with Mark and Patty.

My mom didn't say anything too weird. Thank goodness. The meal was lovely--though my turkey (fancy schmancy Who.le Foo.ds organic hippy turkey) was a tad dry. I will blame my MIL's oven which I am not used to and seemed to run way hotter than what it was set for. Kay? My stuffing, however, ROCKED! Awww Yeahhh.

And, as we all sat down to the Thanksgiving table, I felt extremely happy and fortunate. I raised my glass and thanked everyone, near and far, for coming to share this time together. Now on occassions like this, my Brother in Law is usually the one who says the prayer, because my sister and he are sort of the most religious folk in our family, but I asked Mark to say the blessing.

It was brief, and I don't remember all of it, except for this part:

Thank you God, for friends, and family, and for lines in between that blur.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


I haven't been feeling very bloggy lately.

For those of you, my loyal followers (all three or so of you) who may still be checking in, I apologize.

Thanksgiving went well. My mom refrained from saying anything really obnoxious. I'll write a more detailed post about it soon.

Lots of things going on that are sapping my mental energy since I last posted. Nothing horrible, just....Life.

Gawd, I can't believe it's 2009.