That's why I haven't written anything lately.
It's just too big, too huge, too hard to put into words. And, I have been trying not to think about it too much, so that I can just function like a normal person.
But here it is.
No more children. No more chances. No more tries.
At least that's what my husband so blithely, so calmly said, several weeks ago. He just casually dropped it into conversation, that "Most likely Handsome Man will be our only child." My heart dropped to the floor like an elevator cut from its cable. But I tried to stay calm. Further conversation revealed that my husband HAD DECIDED that there were just no funds for any further fertility treatment. It's true. Our financial situation is still pretty bleak. My husband and his business partner DID end up owing money after they closed the business (another thing I just get too angry to talk about), I DO owe money on last year's taxes, this HAS been a shitty year for my business due to the economy, and Mister did NOT get the raise he was hoping for at his three month review. We ARE in a lot of debt already, and Mister is saying that he just does not see how, within the next couple of years, we will be able to take on any more debt. And, he stated, by the time we can afford fertility treatments, or even another adoption, he'll be in his 40's and, he said, he doesn't want another baby when he's in his 40's.
I know, when I use the logical half of me to dissect this that most of what he is saying is totally true. We aren't in a financial position to afford treatment right now. And, like my husband also said, it would be irresponsible of us to get ourselves into more, really deep debt right now--to 'borrow from our future'. It would not only be irresponsible for the two of us, but it would be wrong for our son. We would be borrowing from his future, too. We want what is the best for him, of course. We want for him to not have to live in this tiny, crappy little house forever, we want for him to be able to go to good schools. We want him to go to college. And, we want to be able to provide for all of these things. And, we certainly won't be able to if we are so far into debt that we're paying it off for the rest of our lives.
Then there's the emotional side of me. The side of me that said, "Well, we just have to find a way to include some sort of fertility treatments into our budget, we just have to!"
To which my husband replied, "That's what you say. That's what you think, but no, we don't HAVE to."
I think that's pretty much where the conversation ended. He is not willing to negotiate. And I feel like the rug has just been completely pulled out from underneath me. I remember promises made, that we would try to make MY dream (because, I realize now, it is not Mister's dream) of having a baby a reality. I believe the words, "whatever it takes" were once used. Now, I am feeling like there has been a bait and switch.
I have been so angry, so despondent. I can't even describe the way I feel, though. I have been very silent about all of this. Who would understand? After nearly 5 years of marriage, I think most people assume by now that me ever being pregnant is just not going to happen. No one wants to hear about my feelings. Least of all Mister. In one of our most recent arguments, he stated that I make everything "all about me," that I am "always talking about my feelings," and that I "never give any consideration to his feelings." Well, if he has any feelings about this, I wouldn't know because he really doesn't talk about them. And, I have kept my mouth firmly shut ever since our Big Talk because, all I will end up talking about would be my feelings, and, he doesn't want to hear about it.
Again, I know Mister is being the logical one. I know he is looking out for our future and our son's future. But I can't help but feel angry (there I go, talking about my emotions, again!) and it has been really hard for me, these past several weeks, to get through the anger and the resentment and get to the place in my heart where the love lives. I know in my mind that I love my husband very much. But, there is the big, heavy, damp blanket lying over all of that right now. I feel like the last dream I had for my life has been taken away from me. I have had a lot of dreams, dreams that I've let go one by one as I've gotten older. We all do, to some degree....we have to, right? We have to make choices, and choose paths, and that sometimes means we have to say goodbye to the path we didn't take, and the dreams it held for us. But this was the last big dream. And, I'm not sure I'm ready to say goodbye:
My son will be an only child.
I will never be pregnant.
I will never have a daughter.
And, see, now, there I go... crying. I'm sobbing as I write this, and I've pretty much avoided that for the last several weeks, because I just didn't talk about it. I kept it tucked away down in my gut. But now it's out. I really wish I didn't have to feel this right now. It hurts. A lot.