Thursday, August 21, 2008

Because I Don't Want to Talk About It

That's why I haven't written anything lately.

It's just too big, too huge, too hard to put into words. And, I have been trying not to think about it too much, so that I can just function like a normal person.

But here it is.

No more children. No more chances. No more tries.

At least that's what my husband so blithely, so calmly said, several weeks ago. He just casually dropped it into conversation, that "Most likely Handsome Man will be our only child." My heart dropped to the floor like an elevator cut from its cable. But I tried to stay calm. Further conversation revealed that my husband HAD DECIDED that there were just no funds for any further fertility treatment. It's true. Our financial situation is still pretty bleak. My husband and his business partner DID end up owing money after they closed the business (another thing I just get too angry to talk about), I DO owe money on last year's taxes, this HAS been a shitty year for my business due to the economy, and Mister did NOT get the raise he was hoping for at his three month review. We ARE in a lot of debt already, and Mister is saying that he just does not see how, within the next couple of years, we will be able to take on any more debt. And, he stated, by the time we can afford fertility treatments, or even another adoption, he'll be in his 40's and, he said, he doesn't want another baby when he's in his 40's.


I know, when I use the logical half of me to dissect this that most of what he is saying is totally true. We aren't in a financial position to afford treatment right now. And, like my husband also said, it would be irresponsible of us to get ourselves into more, really deep debt right now--to 'borrow from our future'. It would not only be irresponsible for the two of us, but it would be wrong for our son. We would be borrowing from his future, too. We want what is the best for him, of course. We want for him to not have to live in this tiny, crappy little house forever, we want for him to be able to go to good schools. We want him to go to college. And, we want to be able to provide for all of these things. And, we certainly won't be able to if we are so far into debt that we're paying it off for the rest of our lives.

Then there's the emotional side of me. The side of me that said, "Well, we just have to find a way to include some sort of fertility treatments into our budget, we just have to!"

To which my husband replied, "That's what you say. That's what you think, but no, we don't HAVE to."

I think that's pretty much where the conversation ended. He is not willing to negotiate. And I feel like the rug has just been completely pulled out from underneath me. I remember promises made, that we would try to make MY dream (because, I realize now, it is not Mister's dream) of having a baby a reality. I believe the words, "whatever it takes" were once used. Now, I am feeling like there has been a bait and switch.

I have been so angry, so despondent. I can't even describe the way I feel, though. I have been very silent about all of this. Who would understand? After nearly 5 years of marriage, I think most people assume by now that me ever being pregnant is just not going to happen. No one wants to hear about my feelings. Least of all Mister. In one of our most recent arguments, he stated that I make everything "all about me," that I am "always talking about my feelings," and that I "never give any consideration to his feelings." Well, if he has any feelings about this, I wouldn't know because he really doesn't talk about them. And, I have kept my mouth firmly shut ever since our Big Talk because, all I will end up talking about would be my feelings, and, he doesn't want to hear about it.

Again, I know Mister is being the logical one. I know he is looking out for our future and our son's future. But I can't help but feel angry (there I go, talking about my emotions, again!) and it has been really hard for me, these past several weeks, to get through the anger and the resentment and get to the place in my heart where the love lives. I know in my mind that I love my husband very much. But, there is the big, heavy, damp blanket lying over all of that right now. I feel like the last dream I had for my life has been taken away from me. I have had a lot of dreams, dreams that I've let go one by one as I've gotten older. We all do, to some degree....we have to, right? We have to make choices, and choose paths, and that sometimes means we have to say goodbye to the path we didn't take, and the dreams it held for us. But this was the last big dream. And, I'm not sure I'm ready to say goodbye:

My son will be an only child.
I will never be pregnant.
I will never have a daughter.


And, see, now, there I go... crying. I'm sobbing as I write this, and I've pretty much avoided that for the last several weeks, because I just didn't talk about it. I kept it tucked away down in my gut. But now it's out. I really wish I didn't have to feel this right now. It hurts. A lot.


Meghan said...

Frenchie I'm so sorry you've got all this inside of you and no place to let it out. And chance you and the Mister would consider a counselor or therapist. It might help you both...

But regardless, sending you lots of hugs as you go through this

Frenchie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tracy said...

I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can only imagine the heartbreak you must be feeling right now.

Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Lori said...

Oh, Frenchie. You sound like you feel so stuck, so choiceless. Like even your husband is taking away your options. He's OK with it and you're not.

It is so hard when partners process decisions at different rates and with different values. It makes this time of dissonance seem dark and endless.

I am abiding with you. Let me know what you need.

luna said...

oh frenchie, I am so sorry. nothing like feeling like backed into a corner when the floor drops out and leaves you with nothing to stand on.

we've had these conversations too. my hub would think he was being "rational" when I'd think he was just being rash. it's so hard to intellectualize such an emotionally-charged issue. when I'd bring it up it just didn't go well because he had already decided that we couldn't afford to do more...

I hope you can see eye to eye on this. he may need some time before he can talk about it again. I agree it might be good to have the help of a counselor or therapist to help mediate and sort through each of your feelings. he may or may not come around, but you don't want resentment to build either.

I'm babbling now, please forgive me. i'm just so sorry. thinking of you.

Kara said...

I'm here from the Roundup. I have no wise words, but wanted to send a big hug. Your post made my heart ache for you.

TeamWinks said...

No matter how you look at this, it's just a painful situation. There's only shades of gray when it comes to matters of the heart. I wish you strength, courage, and love my dear. We're all here to listen to what you have to say. We don't mind hearing about those pesky emotions of yours! ;-)

Cassandra said...

Dear Frenchie,
Here from Mel's roundup.
I'm so sorry to hear about all of the pain you are going through. Having a decision made on your behalf, whether by another person or by the fates, is so different from making that decision yourself, even if you might have ended up with the same conclusions.

Personally if I were in your position, I would harbor a secret expectation that it's not REALLY over and that the issue could be revisited later. Because who knows if Mister's proclamations about becoming a parent again after 40 will still be the way he feels a few years from now, after watching your son grow up as an only child.

And so, if this is the way you feel too, I would like to give you permission to harbor those feelings, even as you come to terms with the current reality. But if you are able to really accept that decision as final, then I applaud your grace and I wish you strength.

Karen @ Chez Perky said...

I am so, so sorry.

surpriseofunfolding said...

I am so sorry to hear of this heartache for you. It is just not fair - any of it.



SarahSews said...

I'm so sorry you are struggling. It's such a huge thing and just unilaterally deciding the trying is over seem like to big a thing to decide without talking about it. Counseling sounds like a good idea -- even by yourself. He seems to be okay with no more children but if you aren't, processing that grief is a good idea.

Delenn said...

Coming from Mel's blog. I can sympathize with your longing for another child. We had our first "naturally". When he was 3 yrs., we TTC'd. There were many times in the next 5 years that we had that EXACT back and forth comments...we couldn't afford having another one, etc. My husband got laid off a couple times, I don't make that much money at my job, our son had medical issues we needed to be dealing with.

I hope that your husband is able to be more flexible in the future. We were lucky enough to live in a state that covers fertility treatments, and now my son is nine and FINALLY we have our second. I tell you this to let you know that things can change. Don't lose hope yet. Maybe a year or two will change him (esp. as your son grows more). All I know is, when my son was 4, I was dying to have a sibling for him. By the time he was 7, I had given up hope and was where you were. And that was finally when my husband decided he was wanting another one. Maybe time away from the worry about fertility/infertility will help your husband see what you need (and what I am sure he probably will want too).

I hope this helps.

Star said...

I would feel the same way you are feeling if my husband were to say something similar to me. We are also in a lot of debt and spending money on treatment is not what Suze Orman would consider smart.

But. The desire for a child is not logical or susceptible to rational argument. And it certainly doesn't seem right that a petty (yet unfortunately important) thing like money should determine whether or not that desire is realized. I second Luna's suggestion of thinking about seeing a counselor, either individually or together or both, to talk through these issues. In the meantime, you are in my thoughts.

battynurse said...

I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to say but sending you hugs and peaceful wishes.

Kami said...

I'm so sorry. Why is it that
'no' always seems to trump 'yes' when it comes to having children? I also highly recommend a good counselor. It can help understand each other - maybe help you heal and come to terms with having one child or maybe help your DH see that his dream of not having kids in his 40's can change into one where he does.

I hope you will get your dream even though it doesn't look good right now. One more thought - what about having kids IS logical? Why should it be?

Hey! My word verification ends in BFP! I kid you not. It starts with har . . .for harboring hope? Ok, I don't really believe in that stuff, but you never know.

Not on Fire said...

I first want to tell you how sorry I am that you are in pain. I asked my DH about this in order to get a man's opinion. He wondered if your husband was feeling done and using the financial excuse because as a man it is hard to admit that you are emotionally done. From a guy's point of view, the financials are hard data and hard to refute. This may be a stupid question but have you asked him what the financial situation would need to be for him to feel comfortable? Would a meeting with a financial guru help you guys figure a faster way out of your financial difficulties faster?

Have you told him that being pregnant is a life long goal for you?

Smiling said...

I too am here from the round up. I have nothing to offer other than a listening ear so that you know that your very honest tears are not shed alone. Take care - however you do that for you!

luna said...

just checking back in with you. hope you're ok...

Martha said...

Here from Lost and Found with ((Hugs)). Sorry.

Tiff said...

Shit. I am so so sorry! I wish there was something I Could say or do to make this better for you. My heart is breaking for you.
PLEASE feel free to email me if you need to talk...or anything else.