Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Damn Vestigial Organs!!

...And I'm not talking about my useless ovaries! (ha, ha).

Mister went into the ER last night with abdominal pain. Pain we hoped was just something in the "I pulled a muscle at the gym" type category. We wanted to rule out an appendicitis.

They ruled it in.

He had surgery this morning. Unfortunately, he's gonna be in the hospital for a couple of days and laid up pretty much for a week or so afterwards.

I won't go in to all the ways in which this makes my life extra super crazy hectic--because really the one suffering here is poor Mister.

Keep your fingers crossed for a speedy recover. We need to catch a break over here!

Monday, June 16, 2008

Comfortably Numb

I know I haven't been a very active blogger recently. Part of it is that I am fully entrenched in my busy season with work. Another part of it is that when I'm not working, I am really concentrating on being with my family. Or, if I get a moment alone, resting--and that includes resting my brain. So less blogging, more just--me. Being me. Whatever that is. And, there's another part. I'm in a very in-between place. Usually, I turn to the blogosphere when I am feeling down, frustrated, depressed, angry. When Infertility has me under its thumb. Conversely, I like to post when I actually have something momentous or exciting to talk about. Right now, neither is the case. I am feeling just...hmm?...there. I'm there. Not much to say. I think I have turned a corner in a way in the Infertility department. Not that anything has changed with my actual fertility. More like, how I feel about it. The grief and sadness and anger toward the Fertile World has just become too much to bear. I can't keep carrying it around. I'm just starting to feel like, 'people have babies. Well, most people do. Mostly without trying too hard. Then there's me.' And I'm not gnashing my teeth and rending my garments as I say this to myself, it's more like...acceptance? Well, maybe not acceptance. Not fully, because I still hate the fact that I'm infertile. But more like Resignation. I am resigned to the fact that I am infertile.

A year ++ ago I was reaching for whatever strand of hope I could grasp. Any new thing I could do or try to change my infertility. I read The In.fert.ility Cu.re and Incon.ceivable and was sure that all I needed to do was change my diet and get acupuncture. Then I would most certainly get pregnant. I read other (hippy-dippy) books that told me I only needed to ask the Universe for what I wanted, complete with detailed steps on how to change my thinking patterns to be more 'open' to 'receiving' what was already waiting for me. Surely, if I just changed my thinking patterns--became 'unblocked' my dreams would come true.

Now I have come to feel in my heart that all of that was just my way of furthering my denial. Grief is a process and denial is part of it. Bargaining with God is also part of it, and I have done plenty of that, too.

Now I am coming to accept that sometimes when you pray, the answer is still, 'No.'

So, everyone, I have an announcement to make: "I'm infertile. Whoop-de-doo!"

I have noticed I am less upset at every pregnant woman I see. I no longer feel like a 10" knife is being shoved into my heart.

I still feel a bit of jealousy, but I am able to at least half-smile to myself about it.

I still feel a little bit of anger, and wonder why not me (or, why me?). But, I just shrug and think, "oh well..."

I have bigger things on my plate right now. Like, how to be a good mom to Handsome Man. I love him so much. How could I have ever dreamed of such a wonderful son? (I guess I should have said that sometimes when you pray, the answer is still 'yes', only it is not how/when/the way you were expecting. If that's true, I wonder, isn't it a waste not to appreciate the gift, and keep asking for something that might not happen the exact way you wanted?)

I am also wondering how to get myself back. I am tired most of the time. And, I've been not so interested in the things I used to be so interested in. I guess you could say if I am feeling anything close to the anger and frustration I used to feel about infertility it is more that I am SO angry at the years IF has taken away from me. It's like my life has kept on going, but I have been somewhere else. I have been in hell, while life, friends, family, love, and many beautiful things kept on going. Also, while other people may have been hurting for their own reasons, or needing a friend, I have not been there, because of IF. I have not been able to see around my own fence. I have been totally removed from me. The caring, concerned friend. Gone. Where is she? Too jealous of my friends' abilities to procreate, to be around and participate in their lives.

That's not to say that plenty of my friends have not done a very good job themselves of alienating me. Few of my friends ever took the time to learn about my diagnosis, or what happens when people go through infertility, or what some of the treatments are. And, there are at least a couple of people I have decided I just can't be friends with anymore because of some of the hurtful (or just plain stupid) things they have said. But, I am also coming to realize, that that is just human nature. If I had not gone through this infertility crap, I probably would be just as insensitive as some others, without meaning to be--just out of plain ignorance.

I just want my life back.

And I am less focused on trying to get pregnant. I truly feel in my heart now, that (and this may seem obvious to a lot of people, but remember the denial thing being part of the grieving process?) I will never become pregnant by having sex with my husband. That sucks. Big time. But, what can I do that I haven't already done to make that happen? (And please don't send me suggestions. Chances are, I've tried it, and if I haven't, I've lost the will to keep trying new types of voodoo.)

Yes, ART may still give me that longed for pregnancy.

I had hoped it would be as simple as an IUI or two.

But, honestly, I real feel like if it's gonna happen, it's gonna be IVF.

And maybe....

Donor Eggs.

There. I said it.

I don't know yet--but we'll see. We are starting to pay off some of our debt (yay for small progress!). Mister's job is going well (he works an awful lot--but I'm used to that from the years of him running his own company). We are hoping for a raise soon? Maybe? Which would be even better. We are still waiting on the new insurance cards, which should arrive any day--and I will still pursue the Endo diagnosis/treatment.

In the meantime, instead of spending our money on Acupuncturists, herbs, and other means of denial, we will try to save our pennies toward IVF. And while we wait for that future IVF to be a reality, I just want to live this life and enjoy my son and be a good mom.

And such as it is, since I'm not currently in treatment, and I'm not really feeling like waging the continuing emotional war with IF, I have found a lot more solace in reading blogs written by other adoptive moms. At least, I can relate. I feel like we have something in common. Not that I don't have things in common with my other IF friends out there...not that I don't cheer you all on as you face IVF, IUI, ICSI, and a host of other scary acronyms... it's just that, well, I'm on the bench. And I've sort of lost interest in the game...for now. I'm sorry. I just don't feel like I have much to offer or much in common. At the moment. When I read the adoption blogs, I can get excited and feel in touch.

My focus has shifted.

So, I'm going to start talking/blogging more about my life as an adoptive mom, about Handsome Man, about our adoption experience, and a host of other things I haven't really blogged that much about. I guess I started this blog as an infertility blog--and I wanted to sort of keep that going. But (for now at least) things are different. I hope some of you will follow along. And, that's not to say I won't still want to talk about the Infertility stuff. You know how these things go--the path to resolution and acceptance is more of an ellipse than a straight course.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

I'm Alive--Pictures from St Thomas

Oh hello everyone. What can I say--Bad Blogger! In case anyone still reads I thought it is certainly high time I dropped you all a line and said that I'm still here.

The St. Thomas trip was, well, how do I describe it? GRUELING. No, it was NOT a vacation. Well, Mister got some R&R, but not me. In brief: 5 events in 4 days, all of which needed florals, one of which was really 3 events in one, so if you want to be picky, it was like 7 or 8 events all together. Let's see...so many adventures. My flowers got there before me. Which meant they sat in a hot post office for a full day before they could be rescued. Once I arrived, my assistant and I spent at least half a day conditioning, hydrating and generally trying to salvage all of our flowers. Oh, and the flower prep room we were supposed to have was not available, so we were in the ballroom with the rest of the event staff, which was fine, but it meant that eventually we had to move. Move, that is, like 30 buckets of flowers, several work tables, tarps, tools, etc., to another location. Oh, then, the air conditioning broke. Yeah, that was fun. So we had to move AGAIN back to the ballroom, until the a/c was fixed. (Are you getting a feeling for what it was like yet?) Okay, then, the second half of the 1st day we were in meetings and site visits with the whole event crew and the production staff, then meetings with the Client. Day 2: make arrangements for lobby, reception area and pool deck party. Install lobby and reception area arrangements. I think I got to bed around midnight? Day 3: Start on arrangements for 'executive dinner', install pool party. I think we got in a couple of hours at the beach that day. Day 4: finish executive dinner arrangements, start arrangements for Awards Party, drive off-site to set up Executive Dinner, come back, eat dinner, stay up till midnight helping put on table cloths and seat covers for Awards Dinner. Shall I go on? It went on like that all week, culminating on the last party/event on Saturday, which was the BIG GALA PARTY that was really 3 parties in one at a venue that was (really cool) off-site from the hotel. We spent the entire day setting up that party(ies), and then, we had to stay until the party was over (midnight, again) and break it all down. By my last day there (Sunday) I was so exhausted. The owner of the event company treated us all to a snorkeling trip Sunday morning and I was so exhausted I stayed ON THE BOAT. There I was, in the Caribbean, with a chance to swim with the fish, and the HUGE TURTLES and I was so exhausted I stayed on the boat. At least I got a couple of hours in the sun.

But, it was a successful trip. I did what I was hired to do, despite some less than ideal conditions and situations. My (awesome) assistant and I certainly had our hands full, and we had to do a bit of McGueyvering to get everything accomplished with not 100% of our floral product being viable, but we did it. By the last party, I was like, "I hope nobody looks too closely at the flowers--eek!" We were pretty much talking to the flowers and begging them to just hang on for one more day!! Oh, the hilarity. I definitely learned some lessons for next time--and I guess the client was happy because they are already talking about next year. In Beijing. Lord help me.

Oh, and p.s. I NEVER want to leave my baby for that long EVER AGAIN! Don't know what I'll do if I DO go to Beijing next year. But, Mister will be staying behind for that one, so I guess if I go at least Handsome Man will have one of us. I know he was super well loved and spoiled and doted on while he was with Grandma/Grandpa, but oy! my heart just hurt leaving him like that.

When I returned home, I didn't slow down. I got back late late on Monday and the next day was back to work. I had 3 events (yes, what was I thinking?) that following weekend. And, then, last weekend, I had two events.

Needless to say, I'm exhausted and still trying to catch my breath, so I haven't been much in the mood for blogging, but I've been checking in on my buds out there. I hope you haven't all forgotten about me.

Here's some pix from the trip!

The Mardi Gras themed party:
My goofy husband dancing with a samba dancer at the Rio/Carnival themed party:

Another floral installation at 'Havana Blue' Restaurant that we did. These were actually HUGE and we did two of them.

There were many more events and flowers and such, but honestly I didn't take a lot of pictures I was so dang busy!!