Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Frenchie, What Were You Thinking?

I have to ask myself, what WAS I thinking? So, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. No big deal, but this year I am hosting it (at the wonderful home of Mister's parents, out in the country. They are in Morrocco *nice!* so we have the big house all to ourselves). I am hosting Thanksgiving for Mister, HM and myself, as well as my mom, sister, brother-in-law, you may recall, HM's BIRTHMOTHER and her mom and dad, Mark and Patty. Oh. My. God. Okay, let's break it down. Why am I freaking out? Cooking Thanksgiving dinner? I've done it before. It's been a while, but I have done it. Actually before I started my Floral Empire, I was quite the entertainer. I threw a lot of Holiday parties, dinner parties, etc. I was a regular mini Mar.tha S.tewart. Poor Mister, never has really gotten to know that side of me. But anyway, I digress. Thanksgiving meal, no problem. Seeing Eryn for the first time since HM was born? Well, sure, I'm a little nervous, but we've been looking forward to seeing her for a while. We've been trying to make it happen for some time. The fact that is happening on a major holiday gives it a little extra edge, sure, but whatever. I can handle it. So, what I am really freaking out about? What is causing me to toss and turn? Why is my stomach tied up in knots (ok I'm exaggerating a bit, but I like to make it dramatic.)? This: My MOTHER + Eryn. In the same room. Trapped. No where to go. Why is this a potential problem? Let me try to explain. My mom is, well, one of those people who is just what I would describe as "out of touch." I always say that she lives on her own planet. It's not just that she's getting older, she's always sort of been that way. But of course it gets more pronounced with age. I never know what little gems are going to come out of her mouth. It's not malicious on her part (at least I don't think so) but man! she can come out with some doozies. Usually it's just embarrassing or frustrating, but given the emotional scenario of Eryn being there, it's like walking through a potential mine-field of possible whoppers.

Allow me to provide you with an example of just how out there she can be.

Let me take you back 20 months. Mister and I were in Boise for the birth of our son. Handsome Man had just gotten released from the hospital, and we were allowed to take him "home" with us (home to our hotel room). We were happy, amazed, freaked, excited and in a state of disbelief... so we did what any new parents would do, we picked up the phone and started calling our family to let them know we had our son. We were finally parents. First we called Mister's parents. They were so happy...and they were feeling nostalgic themselves, since it reminded them of their own experience of coming home with Mister when they adopted him. Nice. Then, we called my mom. I don't remember it verbatim, but let me try to replicate our conversation for you. It went a little something like this:

Me: Hi Mom! We've got our son! We're here in our hotel with him right now!
Mom: Oh that's wonderful! How is it going?
Me: So far so good. We're really happy.
Mom: Oh, how wonderful. Are you keeping in contact with The Mother?

Me: You mean his Birthmother?
Mom: Uh, oh, yes. How is she? Are you keeping in touch?
Me: Yes, we've been visiting with her and the baby at the hospital every day. We'll probably see her again in a day or two. We talk on the phone.
Mom: Oh that's good. She'll probably be able to give you lots of advice on how to take care of the baby.
Me: What!!????
Mom: Oh, well, she can probably give you lots of tips.
Me: Ok. Mister wants to talk to you.

Okay. So in my mom's world I guess the Biological Mother must inherintly know more than I ever will about how to take care of a baby. Nevermind the fact that I've been wanting, hoping, dying to become a mother for YEARS, that I am a grown woman in her mid-thirties, that I have been an aunt since I was 8 years old. Never mind all of that. Never mind the fact that Eryn, despite all her awesomeness and amazing maturity and strength in deciding to make an adoption plan for her child, is, afterall a teenager who is NOT READY TO BE A MOM! Aggghhh! The comment hurt me on so many levels. I mean, way to be supportive of your daughter, right? Way to believe in me. I guess I will never be a "real" mother in her eyes. But whatever. That's between me and her. What I am not looking forward to is, what crazy comments are likely to come spilling out when she actually gets in the room with Eryn! I mean, I expect she may say something that will hurt my feelings. Fine. But I really, really, really, hope she doesn't say something to insult, hurt, embarrass or otherwise make Eryn feel downright uncomfortable and wonder what kind of F***ed up family she let her child be adopted into.


It will all be fine, right?

Anyway, Mark texted me yesterday and said:

We are so excited to see you guys, and we can't wait to love all over Handsome Man.

Nice. I love those guys. We are truly blessed to have such an amazing relationship with HM's birthfamily. And, no matter what happens, we have a lot to give thanks for this year.

But keep your fingers crossed for me tomorrow, k?

Luckily, we bought lots and lots of wine. :)

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Perfect Moment(s)

I have finally decided (to get off my butt and) hop on board Lori's Perfect Moment Monday. Well, I'm way too late for this week's PMM since today is, uh, Thursday, but let's just say I am early for next week. Kay?

There were a series of what felt like Perfect Moments to me this week.

1. On Tuesday I was rocking my son in his room, reading him stories and getting him ready for bed. I had left the tv on in the other room with the volume turned up so I could hear what was going on with the election. As I was taking in the gorgeousness and warmth and perfection of quietly sitting there with my son in my arms, I could hear CNN in the other room--calling the election for Barack Obama. Excitement surged through my body and I wanted to shout, but I just looked at my son and hugged him tight. I was so excited that his world had just changed for the better, along with the rest of the country.

2.The next morning, after dropping my son off at daycare, I took a few moments for myself and turned on the tv to catch up on the local ballot measures I was still waiting to hear about. I flipped through the stations and stopped when I saw the lovely Maya Angelou being interviewed about the election. It was amazing to hear her speak about the election and all it means to her, (and the world), but the most amazing moment was when she did an impromptu recitation of "I Rise." Tears, chills, love, hope, gratitude. I was so happy I caught that moment.

3. A totally personal Perfect Moment. My son grabbed my hand and pulled it up to his chest. Not to show me something, lead me somewhere, get my attention or ask for something--just to have my touch. He held my hand like that for several moments. Just 'cause.


In other news:

1. I have started the arduous process of moving out of my studio. I have a lot of crap! I rented a huge storage unit and have started moving stuff over. It's really weird. Especially since I don't know where I'll be in the spring. I hate Limbo. Keeping my fingers crossed something amazing and perfect comes along to fill this gap.

2. Halloween was fun. We (Handsome Man and I) went into the City and to Mister's office in costume. They had a very informal Halloween party and almost everyone was dressed up. (We decided not to do the trick-or-treating thing this year since we are not giving Handsome Man candy--yet. Lord help me.) Also it was raining.
Handsome Man was a train engineer, incase it's not obvious. Mister was a surgeon. No, he does not usually wear scrubs to work.

3. Mister's company is changing their insurance plan. There is a tiny allowance for Infertility coverage. Basically, 2,500.00 lifetime max for treatments, and the same for meds. I know, it doesn't get us very far, but it's something. We are talking about next steps and right now it looks like this time NEXT year, if all goes well, we'll dive in to the murky waters. IVF here I come. Unless of course, some miracle happens, and I get pregnant on my own before then, haha.

4. October 25th was our 5-year wedding anniversary. Holy crap. I mean, Yay! (Where does the time go?). We have yet to go out and officially celebrate. Anyone wanna babysit?

5. Our Thanksgiving plans this year include Handsome Man's birth-family. "Uncle Mark" and "Aunt Patty"* (aka Eryn's parents), Eryn, and her brother, Ethan, will all be driving out from Boise to celebrate Thanksgiving with us. I am very excited. We had a vacation together with Mark and Patty last fall, though I didn't really talk about it here on this blog. I mentioned we were vacationing with friends. I think at the time I was still keeping this relationship under wraps a bit. Why? I'm not really sure--maybe I was still feeling vulnerable because our adoption wasn't finalized yet. I know that doesn't make sense, but I didn't tell a lot of people. Anyway, it was a wonderful vacation, and we really had the time to get to know each other even better, and became very close. It is very wonderful and special that HM will get to have this relationship with his birth-family. And, Mister and I are excited to have a relationship with them, too, because they are just cool. Anyway, this will be the first time Eryn has seen HM since we left Boise after HM was born. Her dad tried to get her out here in July for a visit. I was all ready, and at the last minute she cancelled the trip. Why? Because she wanted to spend the weekend with Matt (HM's birth-fater)**, because Matt has been working off and on out of town, and she wasn't going to be able to see him again for a month. Well, my feelings about it were: yes, but you haven't seen HM for over a year! And he's never going to be this age again, etc. Grr. But, it was her decision. Let's just say I was disappointed. But, I am hoping this time she will make it. I think it will be good for HM to start knowing who she is, in person, so that "meeting his birth-mother" won't ever be some strange, emotional, or potentially stressful event in the future. It will just be normal. I'd like to be able to have a visit with her once a year. I want it to just be part of our family, normal, tradition. Of course, if it feels right as we go forward to meet more often I am open to that, too. But let's just get this first visit on the books, shall we?

*Mark and Patty picked this 'label' rather than birth-grandparents. It just felt right to all of us. Especially since Mark and Patty are really not that much older than Mister and I. And, because we all agreed that Mister's parents and my mom are THE Grandparents. This is what works for us.

** Matt has not yet expressed any interest in visiting Handsome Man, but we are open to the possibility. However, our relationship with Matt's family is nothing like our relationship with Eryn's family. So, we will have to proceed with that situation more carefully. I am not really able to "go there" mentally yet. I just feel lucky that our relationship with Mark and Patty has just happened so organically.