Friday, December 28, 2007


I hope everyone reading this had a wonderful Christmas. (Or, if you don't celebrate that particular holiday, I hope you had some good time off from work, and did something fun.)

The court date went really well. Of course it was just the last formality, and not much that could really go wrong by that point, but we were nervous, nevertheless. However, our anxiety was unfounded. Everyone in the court was so happy and cheery and everyone was going goo-goo over Baby Boy. Then we were called into the judges chambers, where we were sworn in, and asked a series of questions, such as, "Is it your intention to provide for physically, emotionally, and spiritually for this child?" Yes, it is. "Do you understand that once the adoption is finalized, this child will be as if he were your natural-born child under the law?" Yes. "Is this what you want?" Yes! (I am seriously paraphrasing by the way, I'm sure I'm not getting the wording exactly right, but you get the gist.) Of course Mister and I were holding back some tears at one point during the proceedings. We are so happy to be at the point where we are fully recognized as his parents, once and for all. Even though we have been his mommy and daddy in our hearts from day one, it is a nice feeling to be legally mom and dad, instead of "temporary legal guardian." After we were all done, the judge posed for a few quick photos with us, and then they gave BB a teddy bear. So nice.

The rest of the week was a bit hectic. I had to go to the Flower Market to pick something up for a client on Friday morning. I had to bring BB since we are still sans childcare, as the nanny is no longer available due to debilitating morning sickness from her pregnancy (sigh) and we have been having a hard time finding a day care situation that is accepting infants. Anyway, first to the flower market, and then to the OB for an urgent appointment to figure out what some strange bleeding I was having was all about. (Apparently nothing--caused by the Clo.mid thinning out my lining from my last period, causing it to oxidize and come out, well, really dark.) But, nothing like getting the vag checked when you have no one to watch your baby. By the time I got done with those 'errands' BB was so far off his schedule that he was going ballistic. The rest of the day was a bit rough with a very cranky baby. He's also getting molars, and was then, and is, still, dealing with a bad cold. So, to be nice, my husband brought home some leftover steak sandwich from his lunch and heated up for me, and poured me a glass of wine as soon as he got home from work. UNFORTUNATELY that lovely steak sandwich gave me THE WORST case of food poisoning. Meaning, I woke up in the middle of the night and had it coming out both ends for the next 8-9 hours. Needless to say, I was totally out of it all day Saturday. We were supposed to go to Mister's parents house in the country on Saturday, but I couldn't move. I still felt nauseous, I felt like I had been severely kicked in the kidneys, and I was getting the chills on and off all day. So, we went out to Lodi (where Mister's parents live) on Sunday morning instead, but had to leave bright and frickin' early, because we had to be there by 10:00 a.m. to meet the family at church so we could stand up as god parents for Mister's niece (13 months) whom Mister's sister (who was visiting for Christmas) was having baptised at their parents' church.

From there through Christmas was a blur, as we were splitting up our time between Mister's family in Lodi and my family in San Jose. We had a lot of fun visiting with everyone, but I was very happy to get home the day after Christmas. Since then, I've been dealing with an increasingly sick and irritable baby. (Teething, cold-that-won't-die). We will be going to the Dr. tomorrow just so I can rule out anything above and beyond cold and teething issues (like an ear infection, etc.).

So, that's why I've been off the radar, but I have been checking in on you guys when I can and thinking of all my bloggie friends and wishing everyone a wonderful holiday. I hope that all our dreams will come true in 2008.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Some Good News

Just got a call from our adoption attorney's office, and it looks like we have our court date set! December 20th~which is exciting not only because we'll get to finalize in 2007, but also because it will be Baby Boy's 9-month-birthday that day! How nice! And, we'll have another Holiday to celebrate in December from here on out: "Happy Adoption Day!"

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

It's All Over But the Cryin'

So I tested. It was negative, of course. Would love to hop on the wagon for IUI #2 but my O will most likely end up right on Christmas Eve or thereabouts. Not gonna work since we'll be with family and out of town. So I guess we'll be taking a forced month off. Gotta love the Holidays.

I guess this means I get to have a glass of wine tonight.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Dream a Little Dream

Last year, after my miscarriage, and after hearing from a doctor that "I would never have biological children," I went into a deep, deep depression. I was completely inconsolable. I wavered between being insanely angry at God, and deciding that there was no God, and that everything was random. And crazily unfair. The depression lasted for many many months. And there were times when, as I tried to fall asleep at night, I prayed desperately for God to take me in the night, so that I wouldn't have to wake up to face another day. The pain was just too great. And no amount of medication, therapy or prayer seemed to take it away.

Then one night, I had a dream.

Now, I am not a big "dream-analyzer." I rarely remember my dreams with any real clarity, and couldn't even tell you if I dreamt about anything at all last night (though I'm sure I did). But this dream was different. This dream was so vivid, and clear that it altered me. It was a very simple dream that didn't last very long, but it was powerful. It consisted of this: In my dream, I held a baby. I could feel the baby's warmth against my chest, I could feel the weight of the baby in my arms. I could hear the light breathing of the child, and could smell the "baby" smell that is so intoxicating. My heart was so full of love, I thought it would burst. And in the dream, I said one simple thing. "Thank you God, for this gift." And that was it. The dream was over. In the morning I awoke with this vision in my mind, and I knew, somehow, sometime, a baby would come to me. I would be a mother. I didn't know if it would be through pregnancy or an adoption, but the love I felt was so intense that I just couldn't wait to meet this baby. This dream had been so realistic, activating every one of my senses, it caused me to believe that somehow, it was more meaningful than just random synapses in my brain trying to work something out. I took it as a message.

Now, I'm not saying that it completely took away my depression. I'm not saying I never doubted the dream in my dark moments. But it was there. So clear, so vivid, and always easy to call upon when I needed to.

It took several months, but eventually, my dream came true. The first time I held Baby Boy in my arms, I knew the dream was being realized. And I did thank God for such a gift.

Today is 12 days pIUI. I have not taken a pregnancy test. Mister and I decided to wait it out. At least until we reach a full 2 weeks past the IUI. I think he and I both want to live in the hope that we feel for as long as it is possible. If I'm not pregnant, and I do a test today, I might be robbing myself and Mister of two more hopeful days. I know this may sound crazy, but after nearly 4 years of trying to conceive, you take what you can get. Sometimes, that is just putting off the disappointment in exchange for two more days of hopefulness.

This past weekend we went to Mister's parents' house in the country. Mister's brother, sister-in-law and their youngest daughter (4 months old) were also visiting from New Orleans, so it was a full house. We had a lot of fun. And, every time my sister in law started talking about pregnancy and childbirth (like, "Every time I'm pregnant, blah, blah, blah..") I was able to soothe myself by saying inwardly, well, I will know what it's like soon. I could even be pregnant right now. So, that's the good thing about being in the two week wait, I guess.

And the last night we were there, I had a dream.

Again, this dream was very vivid. It was very clear in its simplicity. In the dream I held a pregnancy test in my hand. It was not the kind where you see one line if you're not pregnant, and two lines if you are. This test had one window with a great, big, blue (+) sign in it. I held it and stared at the (+) sign for a long time, and my heart filled with joy and excitement. It was so clear and vivid that it woke me up in the middle of the night. And, later that night, after I had fallen back asleep, I had the exact. same. dream. Again.

So, based on previous experience, I am deciding to believe in the dream. I could pooh-pooh it away. I could say it is just my subconscious dealing with all the thinking I am doing about wanting to be pregnant when I am awake. At night, my brain is just sorting through it, and mirroring it back to me. It is not a message, just a reflection of my longing. But no, I choose to believe that, like my other dream, something, someone--God, The Universe, my Higher Self, is trying to send me a message: Have heart. It will happen.

It may not be this cycle. Truth be told, I do not feel pregnant. If anything, I feel a bit like my period will come in a day or two. I have no idea when the dream will happen in real life. But, I am choosing to hold on to the belief, at least for now, that I have it on good authority that it WILL happen.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Adoption Progress, IUI and Other Random Stuff

So we recently received what is (supposedly!) the LAST piece of paperwork we need to fill out for Baby Boy's adoption. And, (supposedly!) after we fill it out we will be getting a court date. We're hoping for a court date in December (if we're darn lucky) so that Baby Boy's adoption will be finalized in 2007--the same year he was born. That would feel really good to us, and would be a great Christmas present for our little family.

As for the IUI. I am 7 days post IUI and I don't feel anything. No sore boobs, no fatigue, no tell-tale pregnancy signs. If anything, I feel like I usually do at this point in my cycle--with Aunt Flo comin' round the bend, in about 5 days. However, I guess it's not over till it's over, so I'm trying to keep positive. I am not scheduled for a blood test or anything, so I guess I'll be peeing on a stick by Monday (12 dpiui). Unless of course, I get my period by Monday.

Today I took Baby Boy to a Gym.boree class. This was very interesting. I think it was a little overwhelming for him. He started crying a shrill, high-pitched cry at one point and I had to take him out of the play area to calm him down. I think we'll give it another try, though--and see if he warms up to it. It is a good way for him to really move around and get some more activity. (Not a lot of space for him to explore in our tiny house!) Speaking of exploring, right now he's ripping up some magazines, so I'd better go.