Monday, December 10, 2007

Dream a Little Dream

Last year, after my miscarriage, and after hearing from a doctor that "I would never have biological children," I went into a deep, deep depression. I was completely inconsolable. I wavered between being insanely angry at God, and deciding that there was no God, and that everything was random. And crazily unfair. The depression lasted for many many months. And there were times when, as I tried to fall asleep at night, I prayed desperately for God to take me in the night, so that I wouldn't have to wake up to face another day. The pain was just too great. And no amount of medication, therapy or prayer seemed to take it away.

Then one night, I had a dream.

Now, I am not a big "dream-analyzer." I rarely remember my dreams with any real clarity, and couldn't even tell you if I dreamt about anything at all last night (though I'm sure I did). But this dream was different. This dream was so vivid, and clear that it altered me. It was a very simple dream that didn't last very long, but it was powerful. It consisted of this: In my dream, I held a baby. I could feel the baby's warmth against my chest, I could feel the weight of the baby in my arms. I could hear the light breathing of the child, and could smell the "baby" smell that is so intoxicating. My heart was so full of love, I thought it would burst. And in the dream, I said one simple thing. "Thank you God, for this gift." And that was it. The dream was over. In the morning I awoke with this vision in my mind, and I knew, somehow, sometime, a baby would come to me. I would be a mother. I didn't know if it would be through pregnancy or an adoption, but the love I felt was so intense that I just couldn't wait to meet this baby. This dream had been so realistic, activating every one of my senses, it caused me to believe that somehow, it was more meaningful than just random synapses in my brain trying to work something out. I took it as a message.

Now, I'm not saying that it completely took away my depression. I'm not saying I never doubted the dream in my dark moments. But it was there. So clear, so vivid, and always easy to call upon when I needed to.

It took several months, but eventually, my dream came true. The first time I held Baby Boy in my arms, I knew the dream was being realized. And I did thank God for such a gift.

Today is 12 days pIUI. I have not taken a pregnancy test. Mister and I decided to wait it out. At least until we reach a full 2 weeks past the IUI. I think he and I both want to live in the hope that we feel for as long as it is possible. If I'm not pregnant, and I do a test today, I might be robbing myself and Mister of two more hopeful days. I know this may sound crazy, but after nearly 4 years of trying to conceive, you take what you can get. Sometimes, that is just putting off the disappointment in exchange for two more days of hopefulness.

This past weekend we went to Mister's parents' house in the country. Mister's brother, sister-in-law and their youngest daughter (4 months old) were also visiting from New Orleans, so it was a full house. We had a lot of fun. And, every time my sister in law started talking about pregnancy and childbirth (like, "Every time I'm pregnant, blah, blah, blah..") I was able to soothe myself by saying inwardly, well, I will know what it's like soon. I could even be pregnant right now. So, that's the good thing about being in the two week wait, I guess.

And the last night we were there, I had a dream.

Again, this dream was very vivid. It was very clear in its simplicity. In the dream I held a pregnancy test in my hand. It was not the kind where you see one line if you're not pregnant, and two lines if you are. This test had one window with a great, big, blue (+) sign in it. I held it and stared at the (+) sign for a long time, and my heart filled with joy and excitement. It was so clear and vivid that it woke me up in the middle of the night. And, later that night, after I had fallen back asleep, I had the exact. same. dream. Again.

So, based on previous experience, I am deciding to believe in the dream. I could pooh-pooh it away. I could say it is just my subconscious dealing with all the thinking I am doing about wanting to be pregnant when I am awake. At night, my brain is just sorting through it, and mirroring it back to me. It is not a message, just a reflection of my longing. But no, I choose to believe that, like my other dream, something, someone--God, The Universe, my Higher Self, is trying to send me a message: Have heart. It will happen.

It may not be this cycle. Truth be told, I do not feel pregnant. If anything, I feel a bit like my period will come in a day or two. I have no idea when the dream will happen in real life. But, I am choosing to hold on to the belief, at least for now, that I have it on good authority that it WILL happen.


Meghan said...

I too like to believe in the power of dreams. And yours sound great. Got everything crossed for you this week

Tracy said...

I'm thinking of you and praying that you have good news soon. This was a beautiful post.

Kami said...

I am a firm believer in embracing hope when you have it - no matter where it comes from. My most hopeful cycle - I just *knew* it would work was our only BFN (others ended in m/c) but I never regretted having those happy days of hope.

I hope your body (or whatever) is telling you that this cycle will be the BFP