Monday, June 16, 2008

Comfortably Numb

I know I haven't been a very active blogger recently. Part of it is that I am fully entrenched in my busy season with work. Another part of it is that when I'm not working, I am really concentrating on being with my family. Or, if I get a moment alone, resting--and that includes resting my brain. So less blogging, more just--me. Being me. Whatever that is. And, there's another part. I'm in a very in-between place. Usually, I turn to the blogosphere when I am feeling down, frustrated, depressed, angry. When Infertility has me under its thumb. Conversely, I like to post when I actually have something momentous or exciting to talk about. Right now, neither is the case. I am feeling just...hmm?...there. I'm there. Not much to say. I think I have turned a corner in a way in the Infertility department. Not that anything has changed with my actual fertility. More like, how I feel about it. The grief and sadness and anger toward the Fertile World has just become too much to bear. I can't keep carrying it around. I'm just starting to feel like, 'people have babies. Well, most people do. Mostly without trying too hard. Then there's me.' And I'm not gnashing my teeth and rending my garments as I say this to myself, it's more like...acceptance? Well, maybe not acceptance. Not fully, because I still hate the fact that I'm infertile. But more like Resignation. I am resigned to the fact that I am infertile.

A year ++ ago I was reaching for whatever strand of hope I could grasp. Any new thing I could do or try to change my infertility. I read The In.fert.ility and Incon.ceivable and was sure that all I needed to do was change my diet and get acupuncture. Then I would most certainly get pregnant. I read other (hippy-dippy) books that told me I only needed to ask the Universe for what I wanted, complete with detailed steps on how to change my thinking patterns to be more 'open' to 'receiving' what was already waiting for me. Surely, if I just changed my thinking patterns--became 'unblocked' my dreams would come true.

Now I have come to feel in my heart that all of that was just my way of furthering my denial. Grief is a process and denial is part of it. Bargaining with God is also part of it, and I have done plenty of that, too.

Now I am coming to accept that sometimes when you pray, the answer is still, 'No.'

So, everyone, I have an announcement to make: "I'm infertile. Whoop-de-doo!"

I have noticed I am less upset at every pregnant woman I see. I no longer feel like a 10" knife is being shoved into my heart.

I still feel a bit of jealousy, but I am able to at least half-smile to myself about it.

I still feel a little bit of anger, and wonder why not me (or, why me?). But, I just shrug and think, "oh well..."

I have bigger things on my plate right now. Like, how to be a good mom to Handsome Man. I love him so much. How could I have ever dreamed of such a wonderful son? (I guess I should have said that sometimes when you pray, the answer is still 'yes', only it is not how/when/the way you were expecting. If that's true, I wonder, isn't it a waste not to appreciate the gift, and keep asking for something that might not happen the exact way you wanted?)

I am also wondering how to get myself back. I am tired most of the time. And, I've been not so interested in the things I used to be so interested in. I guess you could say if I am feeling anything close to the anger and frustration I used to feel about infertility it is more that I am SO angry at the years IF has taken away from me. It's like my life has kept on going, but I have been somewhere else. I have been in hell, while life, friends, family, love, and many beautiful things kept on going. Also, while other people may have been hurting for their own reasons, or needing a friend, I have not been there, because of IF. I have not been able to see around my own fence. I have been totally removed from me. The caring, concerned friend. Gone. Where is she? Too jealous of my friends' abilities to procreate, to be around and participate in their lives.

That's not to say that plenty of my friends have not done a very good job themselves of alienating me. Few of my friends ever took the time to learn about my diagnosis, or what happens when people go through infertility, or what some of the treatments are. And, there are at least a couple of people I have decided I just can't be friends with anymore because of some of the hurtful (or just plain stupid) things they have said. But, I am also coming to realize, that that is just human nature. If I had not gone through this infertility crap, I probably would be just as insensitive as some others, without meaning to be--just out of plain ignorance.

I just want my life back.

And I am less focused on trying to get pregnant. I truly feel in my heart now, that (and this may seem obvious to a lot of people, but remember the denial thing being part of the grieving process?) I will never become pregnant by having sex with my husband. That sucks. Big time. But, what can I do that I haven't already done to make that happen? (And please don't send me suggestions. Chances are, I've tried it, and if I haven't, I've lost the will to keep trying new types of voodoo.)

Yes, ART may still give me that longed for pregnancy.

I had hoped it would be as simple as an IUI or two.

But, honestly, I real feel like if it's gonna happen, it's gonna be IVF.

And maybe....

Donor Eggs.

There. I said it.

I don't know yet--but we'll see. We are starting to pay off some of our debt (yay for small progress!). Mister's job is going well (he works an awful lot--but I'm used to that from the years of him running his own company). We are hoping for a raise soon? Maybe? Which would be even better. We are still waiting on the new insurance cards, which should arrive any day--and I will still pursue the Endo diagnosis/treatment.

In the meantime, instead of spending our money on Acupuncturists, herbs, and other means of denial, we will try to save our pennies toward IVF. And while we wait for that future IVF to be a reality, I just want to live this life and enjoy my son and be a good mom.

And such as it is, since I'm not currently in treatment, and I'm not really feeling like waging the continuing emotional war with IF, I have found a lot more solace in reading blogs written by other adoptive moms. At least, I can relate. I feel like we have something in common. Not that I don't have things in common with my other IF friends out there...not that I don't cheer you all on as you face IVF, IUI, ICSI, and a host of other scary acronyms... it's just that, well, I'm on the bench. And I've sort of lost interest in the game...for now. I'm sorry. I just don't feel like I have much to offer or much in common. At the moment. When I read the adoption blogs, I can get excited and feel in touch.

My focus has shifted.

So, I'm going to start talking/blogging more about my life as an adoptive mom, about Handsome Man, about our adoption experience, and a host of other things I haven't really blogged that much about. I guess I started this blog as an infertility blog--and I wanted to sort of keep that going. But (for now at least) things are different. I hope some of you will follow along. And, that's not to say I won't still want to talk about the Infertility stuff. You know how these things go--the path to resolution and acceptance is more of an ellipse than a straight course.


Tracy said...

I never know whether I should comment or not...

But I've felt almost every single one of the things you mentioned in this post. And I am so happy you are starting to feel some peace and are moving forward. You do have a lot to be thankful for (I know you know that, and I also know that doesn't lessen the pain of infertility), and I hope you are able to spend time enjoying those things.

Take good care...I look forward to reading future posts from you.

Kami said...

I found myself nodding throughout your post. The denial, the faith in voodoo only to be continually disappointed, the exhaustion in always being angry or envious, wanting my life back .. .

I would love to hear about your experience as an adoptive mom. I think having a DE baby, I can benefit from your experience. I know it isn't the same, but having a DE baby isn't the same as having a mutually genetic baby either.

I am happy for you for doing better. I hope to read more about that too.

Clever Trevor said...

I'm the proud mum of a 3-year old boy conceived via ICSI. We're infertile too and our next child will come from the world of adoption. I'm using your blog as inspiration for the new journey we're about to start.

Char said...

Dear Frenchie

I so understand this post of yours... I can relate to every word of hurt, and resolution and renewed purpose. I can relate to the desire to move on. And to the heartache over the realization that you need to move forward.

What I really want to say is that there are people out here who Do understand. I am one of them.

I am thinking of you all the time. With lots of love and hugs xxx