Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Some Days...

For the most part, I have been making a very concerted effort, these past few months, to be more positive. I have really been trying to banish my gloom-and-doom thoughts, my thoughts of jealousy, frustration and anger, and trade them in for thoughts that make me feel as happy or as hopeful as possible. I think I've been doing a pretty good job. I think if you asked my husband he would probably agree--I've been in a better mood lately. For instance, on most days, when I see a pregnant woman, instead of thinking, "why her and not me?" Or, the even more dark, "that will never be me!" I've been trying to think, "One day that will be me." At first, it felt really forced, and un-natural. (I'm way more cynical than that). But after a while, it got easier. I'm not 100% sure if I believe myself all the time (about 100 times a day--those pregnant women are everywhere). But, it sure feels better than telling myself it will never happen. And, if those Depak Chopra types have anything going, then all that positive thought/creative visualization/whatever/ can't hurt my chances.

But, then there are days like today. Days when I can't muster up the positive thoughts to do battle with the negative ones. Days when despair, doubt and sadness all come flooding in. A day like today, when I am on the brink of getting my period, a FULL WEEK early, that I feel as though all hope is lost. I can't help feeling like, now that we are finally on the cusp of getting treatment, when we finally had a shred of hope, that the rug is being pulled out from under me. Having a 3-week cycle, I fear, signals the beginning of the end: a spiked FSH, the shorter periods the doctor last year told me were imminent, and impending menopause. My hope seeps out of me on days like today. And, today was one of those days when I found out my good friend (I used to call her my 'best friend' but that's another story) just gave birth to a baby boy. Of course I am thrilled for her. But I am also sad, and jealous. Jealous because it only took her a few months of having good old-fashioned s.e.x with her husband, to become pregnant. And that is the whole story for her. Jealous and sad that the story for me includes years of trying and NOT getting pregnant, a full year of testing, a 'teaser' pregnancy (finally pregnant! Oh, sorry, no heart beat), a d&c, tens of thousands of dollars spent on all those tests (which my insurance did not cover) and an adoption. Jealous that the status of "motherhood" for me also includes the words: Birth-parents, adoptive parents, Birth-mother, Biological Mother, Social Worker, Home-study, Court Date, etc., and not the words: Labor, Delivery, Pregnancy, Maternity Ward, Doula, Midwife, Breast Feeding.

And today is one of those days when I start to think that all the acupuncture, wheat grass, caffeine-abstinence, alcohol-abstinence, and clean living, ain't gonna do a thing for my eggs, and, who have I been trying to kid. Myself, apparently. Maybe my husband is right, and, I should save my money, and while I'm at it, eat whatever the f#*k I want. And have a coffee, dammit!! Today is the type of day when I do think, "maybe I will never be pregnant." Which is a thought that makes me so sad, I can't even deal.

But I still try really hard to get to the next-best-feeling thought that I can. Anything that is a leg up from despair. Despair is a terrible place to reside, and I was living there for a long time. I still visit, but I try not to stay too long. When I'm feeling really bad, I just try and close my eyes and picture my son's face. I picture him smiling at me, and my heart feels like it grows 3 sizes bigger, and I can't help but smile. I think about how I feel when I am holding him and he reaches up and touches my face and my hair with his little hands. I let that feeling wash over me, and I know that one thing has gone very right today.

But, either way, today is a day when I could really use some encouragement. And a beer. Ah, dangit!

1 comment:

Kami said...

I thought I had already commented on this post. I probably was reading it at work and failed to get to the actual commenting part.

Thanks for your comments on my blog today. It was helpful.

I can also understand where you are at somewhat. I have tried to be the perfect person too and honestly think I was better off when I made eating well, being happy, etc. a good goal but let myself be not so perfect too.

And then those days of wishing it were easier and wishing reality could please, please, please be different.

I hope today you are feeling a bit better.