I've Been Tagged!

I have been tagged by Tracy over at Or, Life is a Bed of Roses. Actually, she tagged me the other day, but with the whole not being pregnant thing, I wasn't feeling up to it. But, today it seems like a good distraction.

The Rules:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!

Six non-important quirks about me:

1. My middle (second) toe on both feet is like, waaay longer than my big toe. It looks freakish. It used to keep me from wearing open-toed shoes when I was younger, but now I don't care.

2. I am not type-A. I am so far from type-A, I'm not even type-B. I'm like type-Z. What this means is that there is virtually no routine or ritual to anything that I do. This drives my husband crazy. He is very type-A. The good thing about it is that it means I am pretty flexible, and it allows for a certain amount of creativity. The bad thing is that it means I am very unorganized (as hard as I might try to be organized) and that my time-management skills are very poor. I am likely to start one thing, then get caught up in something else, and then, while I'm doing that, remember the other thing I wanted to look at/do/think about, and my mind is off somewhere else... it can be really frustrating. To me as well as my hubby.

3. I am an only child, and yet, I'm not. My sister and I are 16&1/2 years apart, and I have no other siblings. (Yes, same set of parents). When I was 2 my sister moved to France. So, I grew up as an only child until I was 13, when she got a divorce, and moved back home, with her 3 little kids. This means I am closer in age to my nieces and nephew than I am to my sister, which is pretty cool.

4. I hate answering the phone. I don't know why. Even if it's someone I would like to talk to, I am likely to let voice mail get it and then call them back, later. This makes no sense, I know.

5. Once I put the toothpaste on my toothbrush I have to run it under water before I start brushing my teeth. I don't know why, but it just doesn't seem right if I don't.

6. I love chocolate. Love it. But it pretty much has to be dark chocolate. Really, what is up with that milk chocolate stuff? And white chocolate? I'm sorry, that's not chocolate.

Okee dokee...enough about me. What about you? I'm tagging Tiff, Becky and CC.

Steeeriiiiiike Twoooooo!

Well, need I say more? I knew it was a long shot with my one lonely follicle (ugh), and my lazy lining of 6 (double ugh) but still, I had hope. And, when I awoke this morning with slightly sore bbs, I thought, "Hey! Maybe it did work!" So, I tested. Nope. Nary a second line in sight. White alabaster pee stick.

Unfortunately, we can't afford to do any more treatments for a while. I'm not sure when we'll be able to start again, so for now it's just us.

I didn't think I would take it so hard this time if it didn't work, but I'll admit my heart is aching and I feel sick to my stomach. And I turn 36 next month. Triple Ugh.

Thanks everyone for the well wishes for my back. I am doing much better---it just took a couple of days with the Icyhot patches and the heating pad.

In Case You're Wondering

.....not much is going on.

As far as "Symptom Watch" goes--nothing, really. I had some very light, twingey cramping yesterday and the day before. I decided to take it as a sign of possible implantation. Though, it was so feint it could have been my imagination. Nothing today. No sore bbs. But, I'm trying to think positive. (Not always easy for me.)

I was forced to relax the past few days as my back went "out" again. Probably from improper lifting techniques with a 24 pound ten-month-old. So I've been spending a lot of time on the couch catching up with some business type stuff, as well as reading all my favorite blogs. (I'm so addicted, there should be a 12-step for people like me).

There are loads of other topics I'd like to write lengthy, eloquent (ha, ha) posts about. But, not today. I am too busy trying to keep up with a very busy and active Baby Boy, as I hobble around clutching my back like an old lady, smelling of menthol. (Those IcyHot patches really help, but they do make me smell like Grandma.)

Curiouser and Curiouser, Down the Rabbit Hole We Go

Won't you come with me, on my journey into the weird Wonderland that is Infertility?

Things went well this morning. Neither Mr. nor I slept very well last night, and when our alarms went off this morning at 6:00 a.m. we weren't the happiest of campers. We had decided to drive into the City together, along with Baby Boy, to beat the commute traffic (3 people=carpool!). And, since his appointment was at 8:30 and mine was at 10:30 it worked well. I waited downstairs with BB while Mister did his "duty" then I dropped Mister and BB off at Mister's office across town, and headed back solo for my fun in the stirrups.

Yes, my husband is the cool guy who's willing to take his baby in to work for a couple of hours when necessity dictates. He works in an office full of young guys, too, so it is pretty darn cute. But, I digress.

I talked to Dr. F. about the stats and it looks something like this:

IUI #1 (with Clo.mid)
3 follicles
Lining=6

IUI#2 (with Let.razole)
1 follicle
Lining=6

So, I guess I'll be going back to Clo.mid next time (if I don't get pregnant, of course!)

He said that a lining of 6 may just be what my body will do--and we just have to work with that. (And 6 is not bad--it could be better, but it's not bad.)

He made sure to tell me that they get lots of pregnancies with one follicle. So, we went ahead with the IUI (of course).

Mister's numbers looked good post-wash, as they did last time.

Then, I asked him if he would go over my day 3 blood work that I did back in October. I felt that I was ready to hear whatever it was. But I wanted to hear it from him. He asked the nurse to bring it up on the screen.

I heard her say, "FSH...sixpointnine."
Me: Did you say 16?
Nurse: No, 6.9.

(SIX. POINT. NINE!)

To which Dr. F. said, "That's well within the normal range."

Yeah, no shit!!!!!!

I would have been okay with 16. I was just hoping for a number that wasn't higher than the original test (17.3). I felt that if it stayed about the same I'd be happy with stasis.

SIX POINT NINE!!!!!

Everything else was good: Estrogen, Thyroid, Progesterone. (I didn't care about the actual numbers--they said they were 'good' and that was good enough for me.) I was still reeling from the Six. Point. Nine!!

Okay, sorry. I know that FSH fluctuates. I know I could come in high again, but. I think that the test I took back in July of 06, after a miscarriage, after 2 more rounds of Clo.mid, and during a time of high emotional stress, may not have been a true reflection of what is going on with my ovaries.

And, the test I took in October of 07, with no recent fertility drugs still floating through my system, with yours truly in a much better place physically and emotionally, might be more accurate.

And now, the mind is reeling. So why can't I get pregnant?

And WOW. Think of all the choices that were set in motion based on that "Premature Ovarian Failure" diagnosis... They brought us to adoption, and brought us our Baby Boy.

Thank God. I can't imagine my life without him.

Curiouser and curiouser....

The Good and the Bad

So, I finally got a call after 11:00 a.m., but didn't get any new information. They were calling to let me know they hadn't gotten my results yet, because their "machine" was down. (WTF!?) Anywhoo--2 hours later they called back to tell me that I had NOT ovulated. They scheduled our IUI for first thing tomorrow a.m.

The bad news:
-Does that then mean that I only made one mature follicle on the Let.razole? Crap. And what's going on with my right ovary, then? A cyst?


The good news:
-I didn't ovulate, so we still get to do the IUI.
- I didn't ovulate on day 9 or 10 which would have been really early and would have really freaked me out.
- My lining yesterday was at 6 with a healthy triple stripe. Perhaps by tomorrow it will have grown a little more and be nice and plushy.
- I was told by the nurse who scheduled the IUI that we would be on Dr. F's schedule--so that means I get to actually see MY RE--the one I consulted with originally when I came to this clinic, and not just the "Doctor of the Day." That is good news for me, because I have just a few questions to ask him. (Ya think?) I'll have to bring a list with me, in case I'm flustered.
-Maybe I can get an answer as to what that other "old" looking follicle really is.

Well everyone, wish me, Mister and my one "beautiful" follicle some luck. I think we're going to need it.

Waiting...

I was supposed to get a call by 10:00 a.m. this morning. Of course at 10:05 I was on the phone to the clinic, trying to find an answer. I have left messages with several people there, but so far, nothing. It's almost 11:00. I am so frustrated and wacked out right now, I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything else. Also, I don't know if it was the HCG shot, or just not sleeping well last night, but I feel sooooo exhausted and foggy that I am just a bumbling mess right now.

Even if this IUI is canceled, I would just like to know so that I can go on with my day, and maybe even get something productive done today. Like grocery shopping or any of the myriad things I need to do for work. Anything. Right now I'm just useless.

Whaaaaht?

So I went in for my date with the dildocam today, to check on what my follies are up to for this IUI cycle. I waited half an hour past my appointment time before they called me in (annoying). Finally, the doctor comes in, I "assume the position" and in goes the dildocam.

Dr.: Well, you've got a beautiful follicle on the left.
Me: Good.....
Dr.: And on the right...(pause)...hm. It's hard to tell. You've got something but it looks...old.
Me: (Weird face) Huh?
Dr.: It's hard to tell if it's a cyst or a corpus luteum, or...
Me.: What does that mean?
Dr.: It's possible you might have already ovulated.

So, then I was swept over to have blood drawn, to check my progesterone levels, to see if I have indeed ovulated or not. I won't know until tomorrow morning. But, in the meantime, the doctor called in a Rx for an HCG shot, and instructed me to administer it "as soon as possible." ACK!! So, if it turns out tomorrow that I haven't ovulated, then we do the IUI tomorrow. If I have already ovulated, then it's canceled, and I just jabbed myself for nothing. I don't know what to hope for. If I did already ovulate, then at least it means I made 2 follicles. I think. If not, then that means it's a cyst and I only produced ONE FOLLICLE. CRAP! I can do that on my own without the stupid drugs! But, then at least we still get to do the IUI and maybe there's the slightest chance of getting pregnant this cycle. Of course we weren't expecting it to happen so soon, and Mr. has about 50 meetings tomorrow, and we have no one to watch Baby Boy, and we're freaking out.

ARGH!!!!!!!

Checking In

Health seems to be restored to the household (fingers crossed). Baby Boy still has a little bit of "the runs" but the doctor said it could take a while. Aside from that, he seems to be feeling fine, eating normally, and no longer dehydrated. (I was having to force fluids there for a while with a syringe--poor little guy). Mister was back to work by last Wednesday, and though still a little wobbly for a few days there, by today seems to be 100 percent again. Phew!

I'm scheduled for an ultrasound on Wednesday (which will be cycle day 10). I'll know more then about how I'm responding to the new meds, and how my lining looks. IUI will probably be Friday (if things go "normally").

Going For It

Okay,
We've decided to move forward with another IUI this month. I started the meds today. Should be doing an IUI in about 10-11 days.

I wanted to get one last attempt in before I turn (gulp) Three. Six. in February.

We shall see...

What's Wrong With Me?

The things that have NOT helped us get pregnant:

S.e.x
Putting legs up in the air after s.e.x.
Temping.
OPK's.
Saliva Fertility Monitor.
Acupuncture.
Giving up caffeine.
Giving up alcohol (for the most part).
Giving up sugar and refined flour.
Pre-seed.
Herbs.
Supplements.
Wheat grass.
Eating Organic.
Exercising.
Not exercising.
Relaxing.
Vacation.
Positive Thinking.
Hoping.
Praying.
IUI with Clo.mid.

Despite my recent proclamation that it WILL HAPPEN (remember "The Dream"?) I think I am starting to really lose hope. And, maybe that's not a bad thing. Maybe I need to just really face the reality of my situation and move on for good.

But, in the meantime, we'll try...
IUI #2 with Let.razole.

My lining was pretty thin last time, so I pushed for a change of meds. I need to speak to Mister and discuss whether we'll do it this month or next. Since AF is on her way (today or tomorrow) we'll need to make the decision soon. Unfortunately, Mister is sick with the flu and I don't want to bug him right now.

Side note: Baby Boy has been sick with the stomach flu all weekend, and now my poor husband is ill. I hope I don't get it. I am feeling weary from weeks and weeks of a sick baby (teething + colds one after another, and then, just when he was starting to get better, the stomach flu.) I could go to bed right now and sleep for two days. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so down. Maybe it's PMS. I don't know...

The Ghost of New Years Past

Today is the first day of a new year. While it is time to look toward the future--at all the things I hope this new year will bring, the goals I want to set, etc., I find myself looking back at where I've been. And I've been in some scary, sad, weird, and wonderful places.

Our New Year's Eve celebration last year was much different than this year's. This year, we stayed home, had dinner together as a family, and after we put the baby to bed, Mister and I ate an enormous bowl of popcorn while watching a movie. Before the movie was even over, though, I was asleep on the couch, with a thin ribbon of drool running down my chin. When the movie was over, we turned on the TV to the famous Time's Square scenario to discover there were only 10 minutes until midnight. Well, welcome to New Year's Eve at the Lameski's house--we went to bed. Kissed each other good night and turned off the light with only minutes to go until 2007 ended and 2008 began. But, we were happy. Tired, for sure, after many recent sleep-deprived nights with a teething and sick baby, but happy. Happy to be tired, happy that there was a baby fast asleep in the other room. 2007 had been good to us, so there was no urge to stay up to usher in the New Year. After what we'd been through in 2006, the turn-around and life-changing events of 2007, we have nothing to be scared of or desperately hope for from 2008.

However, last year's New Year's Eve was different.

As 2006 came to a close on December 31st, and 2007 rounded the corner, I rang in the New Year with tears of anguish, anger and loss. 2006 was a year in which we had finally become pregnant, after nearly 2 years of trying, only to see our worst fear realized with a miscarriage. Then, later that same year, we visited our first ever RE who told us, (well me, really) that I would never have a biological child. About a month after that, sister in law #1 gave birth to a child who had been conceived only a couple of weeks before our own child-that-was-never-born had been. November came and I wept for the baby that should have been born on November 11th, 2006. 2006 was a year of incredible grief, which ended, no less, than with sister in law #2 announcing her pregnancy. Of baby #3. At Christmas. So at Midnight, on January 1, 2007, I ushered in the New Year with racking sobs. I no longer held out any hope for good things to come. It seemed as if things just kept getting worse. I was tired of hoping. I was tired of living. I didn't want to ring in another year.

However, 2007 was different.

We finally completed our paperwork and home study. And, in February, we got The Call that would change our lives. We met Eryn, Baby Boy's birthmother, and Matt, his birthfather. In March, we traveled to Boise, Idaho again for the birth of our son. We not only became parents, we embarked on a journey, and lived through an experience that we never could have imagined in our wildest dreams. Our adoption experience, and the relationships we created, changed the way we see life, and maybe even renewed our faith in humanity and, dare I say it? God. Our adoption experience changed us. We forged a relationship with Baby Boy's birth-grandparents (Eryn's mom and dad) that we still continue to cherish. We have created this weird, wonderful, extended family. And, we still find ourselves scratching our heads and saying, "we never thought this would happen."

Don't get me wrong. I still spent a lot of time grieving my infertility in 2007. I still struggled with my anger and jealousy as friend after friend announced their pregnancies or gave birth to babies. I'm not saying that 2007 changed everything and made everything ok. I think the experience of infertility has changed me--and though I may one day be totally past the point of even wanting to try to get pregnant anymore, though I may one day come to a place where other peoples' pregnancies don't even annoy me, I will never be the person I was before infertility. However, 2007 shifted things. In 2007 I saw the return of something that had been gone for too long: Joy. The joy I feel when I look at my son is impossible to put into words. The new life that has been breathed into our household, our marriage, as a result of becoming a family--is hard to describe.

So, the present is pretty good. As I start a new year, what do I want from The Future?

I'm not one to make resolutions. To me, making a resolution means that I am going to attempt to change some ingrained part of my personality. And let's face it: At age 35 (almost 36!) I am unlikely to change enough to keep a resolution. Like, to be more organized. Ha! It feels like setting myself up for failure. So, I'd rather set "goals". Goals are something you work toward, and can hopefully see the progress as you go. So, I need to give some more thought to what my goals for 2008 will be. I'll get back to you on that. And, as far as my dreams, hopes and wishes for what 2008 will bring? Well, for the last 4 years I've always said, "to become pregnant." But I think for now, on this first day of a new year, I will just send up a prayer for continued health and well-being for my little family. No matter how many things I may still want, I am feeling very thankful for what I have right now. Thank you 2007. 2008: Bring it on! (And please be kind.)