Frenchie, What Were You Thinking?

I have to ask myself, what WAS I thinking? So, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. No big deal, but this year I am hosting it (at the wonderful home of Mister's parents, out in the country. They are in Morrocco *nice!* so we have the big house all to ourselves). I am hosting Thanksgiving for Mister, HM and myself, as well as my mom, sister, brother-in-law, aaaaannd....as you may recall, HM's BIRTHMOTHER and her mom and dad, Mark and Patty. Oh. My. God. Okay, let's break it down. Why am I freaking out? Cooking Thanksgiving dinner? I've done it before. It's been a while, but I have done it. Actually before I started my Floral Empire, I was quite the entertainer. I threw a lot of Holiday parties, dinner parties, etc. I was a regular mini Mar.tha S.tewart. Poor Mister, never has really gotten to know that side of me. But anyway, I digress. Thanksgiving meal, no problem. Seeing Eryn for the first time since HM was born? Well, sure, I'm a little nervous, but we've been looking forward to seeing her for a while. We've been trying to make it happen for some time. The fact that is happening on a major holiday gives it a little extra edge, sure, but whatever. I can handle it. So, what I am really freaking out about? What is causing me to toss and turn? Why is my stomach tied up in knots (ok I'm exaggerating a bit, but I like to make it dramatic.)? This: My MOTHER + Eryn. In the same room. Trapped. No where to go. Why is this a potential problem? Let me try to explain. My mom is, well, one of those people who is just what I would describe as "out of touch." I always say that she lives on her own planet. It's not just that she's getting older, she's always sort of been that way. But of course it gets more pronounced with age. I never know what little gems are going to come out of her mouth. It's not malicious on her part (at least I don't think so) but man! she can come out with some doozies. Usually it's just embarrassing or frustrating, but given the emotional scenario of Eryn being there, it's like walking through a potential mine-field of possible whoppers.

Allow me to provide you with an example of just how out there she can be.

Let me take you back 20 months. Mister and I were in Boise for the birth of our son. Handsome Man had just gotten released from the hospital, and we were allowed to take him "home" with us (home to our hotel room). We were happy, amazed, freaked, excited and in a state of disbelief... so we did what any new parents would do, we picked up the phone and started calling our family to let them know we had our son. We were finally parents. First we called Mister's parents. They were so happy...and they were feeling nostalgic themselves, since it reminded them of their own experience of coming home with Mister when they adopted him. Nice. Then, we called my mom. I don't remember it verbatim, but let me try to replicate our conversation for you. It went a little something like this:

Me: Hi Mom! We've got our son! We're here in our hotel with him right now!
Mom: Oh that's wonderful! How is it going?
Me: So far so good. We're really happy.
Mom: Oh, how wonderful. Are you keeping in contact with The Mother?

Me: You mean his Birthmother?
Mom: Uh, oh, yes. How is she? Are you keeping in touch?
Me: Yes, we've been visiting with her and the baby at the hospital every day. We'll probably see her again in a day or two. We talk on the phone.
Mom: Oh that's good. She'll probably be able to give you lots of advice on how to take care of the baby.
Me: What!!????
Mom: Oh, well, she can probably give you lots of tips.
Me: Ok. Mister wants to talk to you.

Okay. So in my mom's world I guess the Biological Mother must inherintly know more than I ever will about how to take care of a baby. Nevermind the fact that I've been wanting, hoping, dying to become a mother for YEARS, that I am a grown woman in her mid-thirties, that I have been an aunt since I was 8 years old. Never mind all of that. Never mind the fact that Eryn, despite all her awesomeness and amazing maturity and strength in deciding to make an adoption plan for her child, is, afterall a teenager who is NOT READY TO BE A MOM! Aggghhh! The comment hurt me on so many levels. I mean, way to be supportive of your daughter, right? Way to believe in me. I guess I will never be a "real" mother in her eyes. But whatever. That's between me and her. What I am not looking forward to is, what crazy comments are likely to come spilling out when she actually gets in the room with Eryn! I mean, I expect she may say something that will hurt my feelings. Fine. But I really, really, really, hope she doesn't say something to insult, hurt, embarrass or otherwise make Eryn feel downright uncomfortable and wonder what kind of F***ed up family she let her child be adopted into.

****sigh****

It will all be fine, right?

Anyway, Mark texted me yesterday and said:

We are so excited to see you guys, and we can't wait to love all over Handsome Man.

Nice. I love those guys. We are truly blessed to have such an amazing relationship with HM's birthfamily. And, no matter what happens, we have a lot to give thanks for this year.

But keep your fingers crossed for me tomorrow, k?

Luckily, we bought lots and lots of wine. :)

Perfect Moment(s)

I have finally decided (to get off my butt and) hop on board Lori's Perfect Moment Monday. Well, I'm way too late for this week's PMM since today is, uh, Thursday, but let's just say I am early for next week. Kay?

There were a series of what felt like Perfect Moments to me this week.

1. On Tuesday I was rocking my son in his room, reading him stories and getting him ready for bed. I had left the tv on in the other room with the volume turned up so I could hear what was going on with the election. As I was taking in the gorgeousness and warmth and perfection of quietly sitting there with my son in my arms, I could hear CNN in the other room--calling the election for Barack Obama. Excitement surged through my body and I wanted to shout, but I just looked at my son and hugged him tight. I was so excited that his world had just changed for the better, along with the rest of the country.

2.The next morning, after dropping my son off at daycare, I took a few moments for myself and turned on the tv to catch up on the local ballot measures I was still waiting to hear about. I flipped through the stations and stopped when I saw the lovely Maya Angelou being interviewed about the election. It was amazing to hear her speak about the election and all it means to her, (and the world), but the most amazing moment was when she did an impromptu recitation of "I Rise." Tears, chills, love, hope, gratitude. I was so happy I caught that moment.

3. A totally personal Perfect Moment. My son grabbed my hand and pulled it up to his chest. Not to show me something, lead me somewhere, get my attention or ask for something--just to have my touch. He held my hand like that for several moments. Just 'cause.

Ahhhh...

In other news:

1. I have started the arduous process of moving out of my studio. I have a lot of crap! I rented a huge storage unit and have started moving stuff over. It's really weird. Especially since I don't know where I'll be in the spring. I hate Limbo. Keeping my fingers crossed something amazing and perfect comes along to fill this gap.

2. Halloween was fun. We (Handsome Man and I) went into the City and to Mister's office in costume. They had a very informal Halloween party and almost everyone was dressed up. (We decided not to do the trick-or-treating thing this year since we are not giving Handsome Man candy--yet. Lord help me.) Also it was raining.
Handsome Man was a train engineer, incase it's not obvious. Mister was a surgeon. No, he does not usually wear scrubs to work.

3. Mister's company is changing their insurance plan. There is a tiny allowance for Infertility coverage. Basically, 2,500.00 lifetime max for treatments, and the same for meds. I know, it doesn't get us very far, but it's something. We are talking about next steps and right now it looks like this time NEXT year, if all goes well, we'll dive in to the murky waters. IVF here I come. Unless of course, some miracle happens, and I get pregnant on my own before then, haha.

4. October 25th was our 5-year wedding anniversary. Holy crap. I mean, Yay! (Where does the time go?). We have yet to go out and officially celebrate. Anyone wanna babysit?

5. Our Thanksgiving plans this year include Handsome Man's birth-family. "Uncle Mark" and "Aunt Patty"* (aka Eryn's parents), Eryn, and her brother, Ethan, will all be driving out from Boise to celebrate Thanksgiving with us. I am very excited. We had a vacation together with Mark and Patty last fall, though I didn't really talk about it here on this blog. I mentioned we were vacationing with friends. I think at the time I was still keeping this relationship under wraps a bit. Why? I'm not really sure--maybe I was still feeling vulnerable because our adoption wasn't finalized yet. I know that doesn't make sense, but I didn't tell a lot of people. Anyway, it was a wonderful vacation, and we really had the time to get to know each other even better, and became very close. It is very wonderful and special that HM will get to have this relationship with his birth-family. And, Mister and I are excited to have a relationship with them, too, because they are just cool. Anyway, this will be the first time Eryn has seen HM since we left Boise after HM was born. Her dad tried to get her out here in July for a visit. I was all ready, and at the last minute she cancelled the trip. Why? Because she wanted to spend the weekend with Matt (HM's birth-fater)**, because Matt has been working off and on out of town, and she wasn't going to be able to see him again for a month. Well, my feelings about it were: yes, but you haven't seen HM for over a year! And he's never going to be this age again, etc. Grr. But, it was her decision. Let's just say I was disappointed. But, I am hoping this time she will make it. I think it will be good for HM to start knowing who she is, in person, so that "meeting his birth-mother" won't ever be some strange, emotional, or potentially stressful event in the future. It will just be normal. I'd like to be able to have a visit with her once a year. I want it to just be part of our family, normal, tradition. Of course, if it feels right as we go forward to meet more often I am open to that, too. But let's just get this first visit on the books, shall we?

*Mark and Patty picked this 'label' rather than birth-grandparents. It just felt right to all of us. Especially since Mark and Patty are really not that much older than Mister and I. And, because we all agreed that Mister's parents and my mom are THE Grandparents. This is what works for us.

** Matt has not yet expressed any interest in visiting Handsome Man, but we are open to the possibility. However, our relationship with Matt's family is nothing like our relationship with Eryn's family. So, we will have to proceed with that situation more carefully. I am not really able to "go there" mentally yet. I just feel lucky that our relationship with Mark and Patty has just happened so organically.

First Week of My "Off-Season": Photos of the Kid...

The final wedding of the season is behind me as of last Sunday.

Yay!!

I've been taking some time the past coupla days to just hang with Handsome Man. Oh, the fun. Of course, there are still business things I must get back to, but after my usual day off yesterday, I just felt like I needed one more full day off with Handsome Man, so I kept him home from daycare to play hooky with Mom. Work, and packing up the studio, can wait till tomorrow. The pumpkin patch was calling...

The End of an Era

About 4 years ago, we moved from our rented flat in Oakland, to our newly purchased home in another town. The town is north and east of San Francisco, and not too far from what some people around these parts call, "Wine Country." I went from working and running my business out of a one-car detached garage to having to rent a separate studio space for my business, because the house we purchased is sooooo small, it didn't have the space to accommodate my growing business. I have been in my studio space for 4 years. And, after this month, I'll be leaving it behind. In the four years I've been in that space so much has happened. It has been some of the most eventful, emotionally difficult, emotionally draining, exhilarating, exciting, and excruciating years of my entire life. Since we moved to this little town, and since I started working out of my studio, I have gone through the active stages (and monthly ups and downs) of trying to conceive. It was at my studio I got the phone call that my SIL was pregnant with baby number two. I had to go into the back storage room to have a breakdown out of ear shot of my employees. Little did I know I was already pregnant myself that day. It was in that studio my husband and I embraced for the first time after learning we were pregnant. (My husband shared the office space with me for a time and so we used to work out of the same office). It was from that location that my husband and I got in the car together to go to our first pregnant ultrasound appointment--all full of hope. It was that same office my husband returned to alone afterward, to continue working as I fell apart, alone, at home. It was in that studio I had my first phone consultation with an "Infertility Specialist" and learned I had a condition called High FSH that would (according to him) make it almost impossible for me to conceive. It was from this office we made our first phone call to an adoption agency, and spent hours together (my husband and I) trolling adoption agency websites.

It was the work I did from this studio that gave me the biggest "breaks" of my career: I was on tv (twice), my work was featured in at least 5 (that I can think of off the top of my head) magazines.

It was this place of work I came to, day after day, week after week, month after month, to pound out the events, to be active, to keep my mind on something other than the heartbreak I was experiencing over these past many years. It was there that I steeped in the emotions of my infertility, my loss, my grief as I wired and taped flowers for boutonnieres, as I cut flowers and placed them into arrangements, as I tied ribbon on Bridal bouquets. As my heart broke, I poured what was left into the flowers for hundreds of people's most joyous moments. The work kept me going. I am glad for that.

It was in that studio my many work friends met my son for the first time. It is in this place of work that I now also have: a pac-n-play, toys, sippy cups, blankets, and photos of my precious boy. It is where I now smile and chat with my designers, swapping stories of what our kids are up to.

And now, it is time to leave.

After a very expensive adoption, and a down-shifted economy which gave me a less-than stellar 2008, business-wise, I can not afford to keep the studio through the winter. As opposed to other years where I could afford to float it through the winter after having an outrageously busy wedding season, this year, I just can't. And I have no weddings or events booked after next week, not until spring. Zip. Nada.

So where am I going to go? Everything is going into storage. For now. I found a really awesome place I would love love love to rent, but can only justify it if I share it with another designer, or another person who would need office and client meeting space. I had someone who wanted to do it, but they have pulled out--due to money and the shaky economy. I haven't been able to find anyone else. I am so incredibly frustrated because the spot would be such a step up for me--it has everything I need--it would be so incredible. But we are trying to SAVE money and LOWER my overhead, not increase it. So, I am having to let it go. And I am going into limbo. When spring comes around, I don't know where I'll be. And that is a scary feeling.

But, for the next few months, I will be playing the role of full-time mom, with a guest appearance as part-time business woman. I will still have to meet with potential clients (hopefully lots!) I'll be writing proposals, and probably working on networking/marketing. I know I will be changing it up for next year: a higher base minimum for events, and only doing ONE event per week, as opposed to three. Yes, you heard me, until now, I've been doing a max of three per week which sometimes turned into four. Not so much this past year but last year (2007) I had multiple events every single weekend. That with a new baby almost killed me. I won't do it any more. I want to work smarter, not harder.

And, my husband needs me to be around more, too. Now that he is working this new job in the City and commuting 3-4 hours per day, he needs to rest more on the weekends. He is exhausted by the end of the week, and as much as he wants to spend time with Handsome Man on the weekends, taking care of a very active toddler all day while your wife is out in BFE setting up an event can wear you out. And then he has to turn around on Monday and start the commute/work grind all over again. It's hard. It's hard on my son not getting to spend much time with both parents together. It's like we're a divorced couple sharing custody. Ack.

Also, my husband has said several times lately, "There's no way we can live this way if we have a second child."

Yes, you heard it right.

We don't have any solid plans yet. We are trying to see where this economy is going to take Mister's company. Right now we are just trying to pay off our debts as aggressively as possible, and sock some money away in the savings account. But, yes, we are at least talking about what the next steps could/might be......to add another child to our family. Eventually. Maybe. See? everything's in limbo. Right now we're thankful that one of us is steadily and gainfully employed and we are praying that that doesn't change. (ie let's hope the company doesn't go belly up, yes?)

So, changes are afoot, and I'm not sure where I'll be 3 or 4 months from now.

But for now I have to get through the last weekend of events--and start packing up the studio. I've gotta be out by Nov. 15th.

And, for Luna and Tiff, here's those pictures you were asking about. Really, they don't do it justice...but hey.

My Big, Big Boy

At today's 18-month check up:

Weight: 30 lbs.
Height: 34 inches.

Wow. His height is (literally) off the chart for his age. The doctor said that as far as his physical development goes (walking, running, etc., etc.,) he is on par with most 2-year-olds. And it's true. He's so capable, and dexterous. He wants to do everything himself now. He can get in and out of his car seat by himself. He runs from me, to get me to play "chase" with him. He is a pro at climbing stairs. He "helps" to dress himself. We're even starting to use the potty (sometimes--we're introducing the concept--but we're not in full-time potty training mode yet). He wants to (and can) sit in a regular chair at the table. He wants to feed himself with the spoon and fork (and can, as long as Mom is okay with the mess). He's just such a Big Boy. And while my heart bursts with pride at how capable, handsome, and smart he is, there is a voice inside me screaming, "don't grow up so fast! Please stay my Baby Boy a little while longer!"

Laughter Is Good

If you need a good laugh--(and God knows I do)--visit this site. Someone sent me the link because he thought I'd find it interesting....and I am totally hooked. I've been laughing so hard my stomach hurts.

Warning, baby cakes on board. Yes, cakes, that look like babies. But, there's lots of other really weird, hilarious stuff.

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/

Go get yourself a laugh.

Emotional

Hi. Sorry I have been away. The whole "living in the present moment" thing is good--but doesn't work so well with the blogging thing. Why? When I'm being active in blog land (and by active I mean reading and commenting, not just posting--cause goodness knows I've never been that prolific) my mind just wanders all over the place. I go into comparison mode. Sometimes I go into jealousy mode. And, instead of just living my moments, I am analyzing moments and composing blog posts in my head. So, I've been taking yet another break. Sorry guys.

But today I feel compelled to write, if just briefly. I am feeling particularly emotional. Like, I'm gonna cry at the drop of a hat (and have done.) Well, there was no actual hat dropping, but you get the meaning. Perhaps it has to do with the recent loss of a friend of mine. A friend whom I had just reconnected with after many years out of touch. A friend who found me again, and when we saw each other, it was as if not a day had passed. We were 16 again, and best friends. She looked beautiful as ever. Stunning, in fact. Despite the fact that she now had stage 4 breast cancer. She pooh-poohed her diagnosis and said she was doing very well. (And she looked great, so I believed her). But, she was lying. I didn't know it at the time. We made plans to get together again. Get the husbands together, etc., but plans fell through. My son got sick and I had to keep him home from daycare one time, another time, she had to go in for a treatment. Another time family came to visit unexpectedly, and so on. Our plans kept getting diverted. But we talked over email and phone. I didn't think much of it when I didn't hear from her for a couple of weeks. She said she was going on a short trip and would call me when she got back in to town. Instead, in the beginning of August, I received an email from her husband, saying, Sam had succumbed to her disease, and was gone....

I was shocked. I didn't know how to feel. I went on with work and with taking care of a toddler. I wrote back to ask about a service if there was to be one, and didn't get a response. I waited a few weeks. Then I emailed again, and finally, yesterday, I spoke to Sam's husband, and got every detail of her last days. They were not pretty. And I had no idea. And I wasn't there. And... Sam being Sam: Beautiful (and not a little bit vain, and proud, and stubborn), according to her husband did not tell ANY of their friends about her illness.

Just me.

So today we decided to go to church as a family for the first time since HM was born. We've been talking about it and talking about it and finally just said, let's do it.

I don't know if it was the familiar childhood memories of church and all that that conjures up, I don't know if I was feeling emotional being in the "presence of God" after so long, I don't know if it's because I've got a lot of anger at God that's been building up over the last 5 years or so, or if I am just experiencing REALLY BAD PMS, or, if I finally am starting to let out the grief of losing a friend. But I just couldn't hold back the tears. And still can't. It's like a flood gate has opened.

Still Don't Know What to Say, Except, Thank You.

Thank you, everyone for the outpouring of love and support. I can't tell you how much it has meant to me and how it was truly, viscerally, felt from over here. It was like a big, warm blanket of support being wrapped around me that no one else could see, but that I could feel. Bless you. Thank you, Mel, for making the call to circle the wagons. I am touched.

I don't have any ground breaking news to report on the topic of our "no more babies" dilemma. But, things have gotten better between Mister and myself since I wrote that last post. Maybe because I have been just somewhat numb over the whole thing. It's just too much to deal with in big chunks, so I am sort of breaking off pieces one at a time when I am mentally ready. And, lately, I've been so involved with work (I just survived my biggest event of the year this past Sunday--and I'm still recovering) that I have been able to avert my focus, to some degree.

I've been trying to look around corners, for the good things, the positive things, even seeking out any small sign of better times, or better luck on the horizon. Otherwise, I will go insane. Because, it does sort of seem like the bad luck (financially at least) just keeps flowing this way, and I am in a sort of state of disbelief and dismissiveness (is that a word?). I just sort of shrug my shoulders and say, "really?! Okay. Whatever..." Like the other day, when the latest bad news tidbit came rolling down on us: We found out that Baby Boy's health insurance (through Mister's new company) was not going to cost us around $80.00 per month as they had quoted, but $400.00. Whaaa???!! Yeah, seriously. At this point, though I could cry, (and do) I have to chuckle too. It's crazy. So, aside from trying to figure out what The Universe is trying to teach us with all of this crap, we are just plodding along. I wake up each day and just try to think about that. day. Not next week, next month, or next year. Because that's what starts the panic setting in. That's when the heart starts racing and the palms get sweaty. And I try not to go into the past, either. Like thinking about how long its actually been since we actually first threw out the birth control, or like how long it's been since I actually was pregnant that one time, or, what it felt like (briefly) to be pregnant, or....(the list goes on and on). If I start going down that road, the depression and the tears start. So, living in the present is my new challenge, and intention. And sometimes, it's hour to hour, or minute to minute. But, it is working (for now). Just don't ask me to start thinking about the future. I can't right now.

I have had several very vivid dreams recently about being in labor, being pregnant or breastfeeding. But I am trying not to read anything into it. It just is. Sometimes, I think to myself, "maybe in my next life?" And, that doesn't make me feel deliriously happy, but it doesn't throw me into depression either. It's a sort of neutral thought that I can handle right now.

I am trying to think about what other things I might like to do with my life. I mean, since my "perfect dream" has not come true, and so many of the things I thought I would have, be and do, have not really come to fruition, I am trying to think of what else I might want for myself--so that I might change my focus. I can't keep banging my head up against this brick wall of infertility. I am a mother. I love my son. He is awesome. And, on the good luck/bad luck scale, getting to be his mom is a huge weight on the lucky side of the scales. So, I have to remember that, thank my lucky stars, and move on. Mother to one, and one only? Not what I had planned, but...okay*. So what else do I want then? If not more children, what? Maybe being a mother to one means I will have more time in the coming years of my life to pursue something else that will become really important to me.

I just have to figure out what that is.

In the meantime, I am looking under the couch cushions for spare change, and looking through the fabric of my Reality for and kind of change.

*(I haven't 100% completely given up on the hope that it "might happen" for us one day, but I can't pin all my hopes on that anymore, either).

Because I Don't Want to Talk About It

That's why I haven't written anything lately.

It's just too big, too huge, too hard to put into words. And, I have been trying not to think about it too much, so that I can just function like a normal person.

But here it is.

No more children. No more chances. No more tries.

At least that's what my husband so blithely, so calmly said, several weeks ago. He just casually dropped it into conversation, that "Most likely Handsome Man will be our only child." My heart dropped to the floor like an elevator cut from its cable. But I tried to stay calm. Further conversation revealed that my husband HAD DECIDED that there were just no funds for any further fertility treatment. It's true. Our financial situation is still pretty bleak. My husband and his business partner DID end up owing money after they closed the business (another thing I just get too angry to talk about), I DO owe money on last year's taxes, this HAS been a shitty year for my business due to the economy, and Mister did NOT get the raise he was hoping for at his three month review. We ARE in a lot of debt already, and Mister is saying that he just does not see how, within the next couple of years, we will be able to take on any more debt. And, he stated, by the time we can afford fertility treatments, or even another adoption, he'll be in his 40's and, he said, he doesn't want another baby when he's in his 40's.

Ok...

I know, when I use the logical half of me to dissect this that most of what he is saying is totally true. We aren't in a financial position to afford treatment right now. And, like my husband also said, it would be irresponsible of us to get ourselves into more, really deep debt right now--to 'borrow from our future'. It would not only be irresponsible for the two of us, but it would be wrong for our son. We would be borrowing from his future, too. We want what is the best for him, of course. We want for him to not have to live in this tiny, crappy little house forever, we want for him to be able to go to good schools. We want him to go to college. And, we want to be able to provide for all of these things. And, we certainly won't be able to if we are so far into debt that we're paying it off for the rest of our lives.

Then there's the emotional side of me. The side of me that said, "Well, we just have to find a way to include some sort of fertility treatments into our budget, we just have to!"

To which my husband replied, "That's what you say. That's what you think, but no, we don't HAVE to."

I think that's pretty much where the conversation ended. He is not willing to negotiate. And I feel like the rug has just been completely pulled out from underneath me. I remember promises made, that we would try to make MY dream (because, I realize now, it is not Mister's dream) of having a baby a reality. I believe the words, "whatever it takes" were once used. Now, I am feeling like there has been a bait and switch.

I have been so angry, so despondent. I can't even describe the way I feel, though. I have been very silent about all of this. Who would understand? After nearly 5 years of marriage, I think most people assume by now that me ever being pregnant is just not going to happen. No one wants to hear about my feelings. Least of all Mister. In one of our most recent arguments, he stated that I make everything "all about me," that I am "always talking about my feelings," and that I "never give any consideration to his feelings." Well, if he has any feelings about this, I wouldn't know because he really doesn't talk about them. And, I have kept my mouth firmly shut ever since our Big Talk because, all I will end up talking about would be my feelings, and, he doesn't want to hear about it.

Again, I know Mister is being the logical one. I know he is looking out for our future and our son's future. But I can't help but feel angry (there I go, talking about my emotions, again!) and it has been really hard for me, these past several weeks, to get through the anger and the resentment and get to the place in my heart where the love lives. I know in my mind that I love my husband very much. But, there is the big, heavy, damp blanket lying over all of that right now. I feel like the last dream I had for my life has been taken away from me. I have had a lot of dreams, dreams that I've let go one by one as I've gotten older. We all do, to some degree....we have to, right? We have to make choices, and choose paths, and that sometimes means we have to say goodbye to the path we didn't take, and the dreams it held for us. But this was the last big dream. And, I'm not sure I'm ready to say goodbye:

My son will be an only child.
I will never be pregnant.
I will never have a daughter.

Why???

And, see, now, there I go... crying. I'm sobbing as I write this, and I've pretty much avoided that for the last several weeks, because I just didn't talk about it. I kept it tucked away down in my gut. But now it's out. I really wish I didn't have to feel this right now. It hurts. A lot.

Quiet

I know it's been very quiet lately over here in my corner of the blogosphere. It's not that there's nothing going on, or a dearth of things to write about. Actually, it's quite the opposite. There have been a lot of things going on in my little world, and I've been processing, processing, processing... I guess I just haven't been quite ready to "talk" about it.

So, I will talk about other stuff for now.

I know I misspelled "Etiquette" in my last post. I guess spellcheck doesn't check the spelling of the actual post titles. Oops.

Thanks for all the responses to that post, too. And for all of you that answered, NO! I was not talking about you. Silly. You guys are the best. I will probably take the advice some of you offered and just drop some of those blogs. They are probably people who write for the sake of writing/journaling but don't really need to be part of an online "community." Or, hey, they're just too busy. That's fine.

Speaking of busy, I've been busy too. August is my busiest work month for some reason this year. So, that could be part of the reason for my silence.

Also, I've been sick. A lot. I have been quite afflicted recently, and it's been sapping my energy. I am still trying to get "cured" for an ear infection that I've already taken two courses of antibiotics for. My eardrum ruptured and I've been deaf in one ear for about 3 weeks now. I keep having to go back to the doctor and it is really really annoying.

I am waiting for some things to return to "normal"--the health issues and for work to slow down a bit, and I promise, I will write more soon. Maybe even tomorrow (my day off) if I can summon the energy, and if Handsome Man will take a long nap. ;0) That is, if anyone is still interested....

Blogosphere Ettiquite

If there is a Miss Manners for the blogging world, then I have a question for her.

I read quite a few blogs. Lately, I've been reading more of the adoption/parenting after adoption blogs than the trying to conceive blogs. I think it is because I can relate better to the adoption blogs than to the ones who are in treatment. I have a few bloggie buddies who are in treatment that I still follow, because I really want to see how things turn out and I am rooting for them, but I'll be honest, in general, it's difficult to read about the women who seem to be able to follow through with cycle after cycle until they reach their pot of gold, when I can't do anything in the treatment department right now. It's frustrating. Being on the bench is hard when you really want to play in the game, and watching other people throw the ball back and forth makes me jealous.

Anyway, to my question. On these several blogs I am reading, and have been reading for months and months, I often will leave comments. (As, I believe, is part of what this whole blogging community is about, no?) Ok. None, and I mean NONE of these people ever, ever leave comments on my blog. Ever. What does this mean? In fact, there is one blog in particular that I have been following for the past 2 years, through her trying to conceive, and now into the adoption process; I have left many a comment over the years, and not one drive by on my blog. So, this could mean many things, but I am not sure which. Help me out, if you will....

1. My blog is boring as shit and no one wants to read it.
2. They don't know who the hell I am and see me as a weird interloper/stalker.
3. They really don't appreciate my comments and think I am an idiot.
4. I have said something offensive? (I never would purposely, but gosh, who knows?)
5. There is something about my blog or what I write about or my situation in general that offends them, or they just can't relate to.
6. I am being way overly sensitive. (As I am wont to do in real life as well).

Assvice welcome.

Lori! and Luna! and Mel! Oh my!

As you may know, the BlogHer conference was held this past weekend in San Francsico. Well, had I had my act together I would have actually attended this conference, but for some reason it wasn't on my radar until a couple of weeks ago--and by then the registration was closed. Bummer. The main reason I wanted to go was not because I consider myself a big-time blogger, or beacause I wanted to be up on the latest blogging hot topics, but because I really wanted to meet some of these people that I had made connections with through the blogosphere face-to-face. Not to be daunted by not being able to attend, I connected with the lovely Lori, who kept me informed of various goings-on and I arranged to meet up with her for a quick drinkie after the close of the conference on Saturday. Much to my delight, when I waltzed into the lobby of the Westin St. Francis hotel, I immediately recognized Lori sitting in the lobby. Even better was that she was surrounded by other bloggers--so I got to meet the gorgeous Luna and Mel and Mel's adorable husband. How can I express what it was like to meet these women? I am embarrassed to say that meeting Mel was for me a bit like meeting a celebrity. But it wasn't so much that I was star-struck. I was grateful-struck. Emotion-struck. Like, "Hi, you don't know me, but you have no idea how much you mean to me. How much you mean to all of us, thank you! Thank you!" But, you know what is so amazing about these women? Even though I didn't know any of them, I was immediately embraced as if I was an old friend. I was immediately brought into the fold. I can't tell you what it was like to bask in the warmth of Mel's presence, even if it was only for a few moments, as she and Josh had to run off to the airport. Mel is a powerhouse. And Luna! How gorgeous and warm and just like an old friend I'd never even met or knew I had. Which I know doesn't make any sense, but it does. It was the same with Lori. Lori, Luna and I decided to share a drink in the lobby bar, and it was so wonderful to be in the midst of women who *get it*. What a wonderful feeling to feel understood. Finally. For me, it was like sinking into a very hot tub after walking all day through the snow in bare feet.

I regret we didn't snap a photo. But, I don't think it even occurred to us since we were so busy gabbing. I felt like the conversation and the exchanging of experiences--though not all identical, still a common, shared experience, in its own way--was like finally eating a hearty, delicious meal, after being so hungry for so long. The only thing you can concentrate on is the eating, getting the nourishment into your body as quickly as possible, but still realizing how good it tastes as it's going in. Comfort, nourishment, the cessation of hunger, joy. I imagine that was what it was like on a much bigger level for the rest of the girls who actually attended the conference--and I'm sorry I missed it. But I'm so happy I was able to make the connections that I did. I felt so good afterwards. I am still feeling nourished from the experience.

More Hours in the Day, Please!

It seems like I never have time to post, which is really odd right now, cos I have some time off. Well, not totally off--I still have work things to do. (Did I mention how unbelievably behind I am on everything right now?) But I don't have any actual events until the very end of this month. You'd think I'd be doing a whole lot of relaxing and catching up on things. Well, every day my to-do list is so long and there are so many projects I want to start--it's like I have ADD. The day goes by so fast and I'm lucky if I've gotten a few things checked off my list.

But, there it is. Hoping to catch up on some more stuff at the office and get all organized and sh*t by the end of this week. Then, tackle some home projects next week. Mostly, clearing out the garage, deciding what to keep/what to get rid of, and having a big garage sale! (Oh, yeah, and I also want to install a new closet system in our bedroom, paint the bedroom, and move the furniture.) Ha. We'll see what I can get accomplished. Today I barely made it through sorting through my (over-flowing) home and office "in-boxes". Oy.

Something's Gotta Give...

Sorry, this is a long one...

The past couple of weeks are ones that I do not wish to re-live. Believe me. The good news is that things are starting to return to "normal" (whatever that means).

A brief review:
June 16th: Mister went to the ER in the evening with pain in the right side.
June 17th: Mister brought into surgery. I brought HM up to daycare early in the morning, rushed on over to the hospital to see Mister before they brought him in for surgery. I waited until surgery was finished--the surgeon came out to the waiting room to let me know everything was fine. I rushed around for the next 2 hours while he was still in recovery to get some things accomplished. I had to cancel all my appointments for the week--and had to go rent a GIGANTIC SUV so that I would be able to go to the flower market with HM the next morning. See, I can't bring HM to daycare at 4:00 in the morning (which is when I need to leave for the flower market) . I can bring him with me, but not in my cargo van (no back seat for a child safety seat). I could go to the flower market in my regular car (a Je.tta) but no possible way I could fit all my flowers and vases and stuff in there. So, gigantic SUV.

Went back to hospital to see Mister once he came out of recovery (looking very washed out and sort of green). I sat there working on my lists for the market for the next day until it was time to go pick up HM from daycare. Brought HM by the hospital for a quick visit, then home for dinner, bath and bedtime.

HM woke up SCREAMING at about midnight--probably confused and upset about Daddy being somewhere else. (Was it a bad idea to bring him to the hospital. It was probably confusing seeing him with tubes and wires everywhere). I brought HM into bed with me, which meant that I did not get any sleep that night. My alarm went off at 4:00 and off we went to the market.

Wed., 6/18: Going to the flower market and trying to get all my shopping done with a toddler in a stroller is not a very easy feat.

Made it back home around 9:00--had to change and feed the boy. All I wanted to do was to drop him off at daycare (after I dropped the flowers off at the work studio to be processed) so that I could go home and get a couple of precious hours of sleep!

Guess what! No one was there at daycare when I got there!! They were off on some sort of outing and no one bothered to call me or leave me a note. Even thought they knew what was going on with Mister being in the hospital and that I had had to take HM to the market. I almost lost it. I called and left them a message. They called 2 hours later, and I schlepped him back to daycare...thankfully.

Thursday, 6/19: Mister was released from the hospital...and since they had to cut him open to remove his appendix (they can often do it with a laparoscopy--but in his case could not) he had 4 staples in his abdomen, and was on strict bedrest and a special liquids-only diet. So, I then had 2 babies to take care of. Poor Mister was still in a lot of pain. He had to sleep on the fold out couch because it would be too hard for him to sleep next to me on the bed (I move around a lot). Under no circumstances was he allowed to pick up anything over 2 pounds. Which included our son.

So. That week was hard. Go, go go go. Luckily, my sister came up from San Jose that Saturday (6/21) to watch HM so that I could go set up the wedding that day. I also had to work on Sunday and Monday, (I had an event on Monday 6/23) but luckily was able to delegate a lot of stuff on Sunday so that I could just go into the office for a couple of hours. Monday, I was able to take HM into daycare even though it was not a day he usually goes. The rest of that week was hard because Mister was still on limited activity. Still not allowed to drive, etc. With no day off in between, I had to gear up for 3 weddings and worked my butt off all this past week. Happily Mister was cleared as of last Thursday to drive and resume light activity/lifting so he took HM out to Lodi to spend the weekend with his parents so that I could work and come and go as I pleased through the weekend. I worked my butt off through the weekend. Phew! I got it all done, the weddings all looked great. But, oh my--you should see my hands. Gross. And I was T-I-R-E-D. Nothing like 2 weeks of sleep deprivation to make me coo-coo. Mister was keeping his distance. Luckily, I got some decent sleep the past couple of nights, and I am feeling normal again.

Mister is now back to work.

I am looking around the house and surveying the damage. It looks like a bomb went off in here. I don't even know where to start.

Oy vey.

This whole experience has made me realize a couple of things.

1. I don't know how other people do this (this whole raising children and working thing) with out lots of family near by to help. I felt so isolated and alone and desperate through this whole ordeal. Mister's Mom was in Italy with friends the first week that Mister was in the hospital. My mom lives an hour away, but is too frail to really be much help. She does not want to drive on her own. My sister also lives an hour away, and thankfully she came up that one Saturday to help, but she works very full time and during the week I was really on my own.

2. I am so not ready for another baby right now. Not with things the way they are. What on earth would I have done if I had TWO kids to take care of while all of this was going on? That doesn't mean I don't want to have another baby. I definitely do. But, I cannot do it while working the hours and intensity I do now. Something has got to give. Big time. All it takes is one little thing (HM gets sick and has to stay home from daycare, I get sick, or Mister gets sick) and POW! our lives are thrown into such a maelstrom that it almost takes me to the breaking point. I was totally overwhelmed and stressed these past two weeks, and I'm honestly not sure how we all made it through. But, illness, accidents and all sorts of things happen. That's life, and if there's no room in our lives (because both parents work like we both do) then life is always going to be a series of one chaotic event after another. I want some stability and some room to breath. I want there to be a stable anchor when our family ship is getting tossed about in a storm. Someone has to be that anchor. Someone has to be here. And I feel like it should be me.

So, what does that mean?

Well, Mister and I have been talking about it a lot.

Next year I am going to run my business differently. Thanks to Mister's new job (and please God it continues to go well) my income is not AS important as it used to be. Yes, we still need it at the moment, but once we get out from under some more of this debt (we're getting there!) then we could probably live on one income just fine.

That doesn't mean I don't want to keep working. I just want to work less. A lot less.

So, I am going to take a HUUUUUGE leap of faith. I am going to raise my minimum for events next year. Really raise it. And only do a maximum of one event per week. And, since I am raising my minimum to a pretty large amount, it will most likely mean that I won't be booked every single weekend. Which is fine. Which means that I get to spend some time with my family during the summer. It means we can spend some time doing things during the summer like camping, road trips, visiting family, going on picnics. Play dates. Normal family stuff.

And, if we go forward with IVF--there's no way I could do it as stressed and tired as I am now. There has to be more room--a lot more room--in our lives to be able to go forward with such a huge step. I need to be rested, whole, healthy. I need to have time to cook healthy meals and take care of my body. (And it will feel really good to do so for HM and Mister and feel like I am taking good care of my family, too.)

It makes me feel almost weepy just thinking about it. I have been so stressed out and overworked the past couple of years. I am almost at the point of being totally burnt-out and not caring any more. Which is not where I want to be. If I am going to do my job, I want to do it well. And giving a shit really helps.

It's not that I'm not thankful for how freakishly busy my business was in 2006 and 2007. It afforded us a lot of things. There's no way we would have been able to do our adoption if I hadn't been working so much and made the money that I made. I wonder if it wasn't all part of a Higher Plan that I was totally ignorant of at the time.

But now, things need to shift. I am ready for the next phase of my life to start. For the past very many years, I have been in the work phase. My focus (aside from trying to conceive) has been on building my career. Now, I have a son---and hopefully (please God) we will add to our family--and I am ready for the next phase to begin. The next phase of my life is the family phase. The mommy phase. My work will be there to help support and enrich our lives. Not diminish it or suck the joy out of it.

Do you think it is possible?

Damn Vestigial Organs!!

...And I'm not talking about my useless ovaries! (ha, ha).

Mister went into the ER last night with abdominal pain. Pain we hoped was just something in the "I pulled a muscle at the gym" type category. We wanted to rule out an appendicitis.

They ruled it in.

He had surgery this morning. Unfortunately, he's gonna be in the hospital for a couple of days and laid up pretty much for a week or so afterwards.

I won't go in to all the ways in which this makes my life extra super crazy hectic--because really the one suffering here is poor Mister.

Keep your fingers crossed for a speedy recover. We need to catch a break over here!

Comfortably Numb

I know I haven't been a very active blogger recently. Part of it is that I am fully entrenched in my busy season with work. Another part of it is that when I'm not working, I am really concentrating on being with my family. Or, if I get a moment alone, resting--and that includes resting my brain. So less blogging, more just--me. Being me. Whatever that is. And, there's another part. I'm in a very in-between place. Usually, I turn to the blogosphere when I am feeling down, frustrated, depressed, angry. When Infertility has me under its thumb. Conversely, I like to post when I actually have something momentous or exciting to talk about. Right now, neither is the case. I am feeling just...hmm?...there. I'm there. Not much to say. I think I have turned a corner in a way in the Infertility department. Not that anything has changed with my actual fertility. More like, how I feel about it. The grief and sadness and anger toward the Fertile World has just become too much to bear. I can't keep carrying it around. I'm just starting to feel like, 'people have babies. Well, most people do. Mostly without trying too hard. Then there's me.' And I'm not gnashing my teeth and rending my garments as I say this to myself, it's more like...acceptance? Well, maybe not acceptance. Not fully, because I still hate the fact that I'm infertile. But more like Resignation. I am resigned to the fact that I am infertile.

A year ++ ago I was reaching for whatever strand of hope I could grasp. Any new thing I could do or try to change my infertility. I read The In.fert.ility Cu.re and Incon.ceivable and was sure that all I needed to do was change my diet and get acupuncture. Then I would most certainly get pregnant. I read other (hippy-dippy) books that told me I only needed to ask the Universe for what I wanted, complete with detailed steps on how to change my thinking patterns to be more 'open' to 'receiving' what was already waiting for me. Surely, if I just changed my thinking patterns--became 'unblocked' my dreams would come true.

Now I have come to feel in my heart that all of that was just my way of furthering my denial. Grief is a process and denial is part of it. Bargaining with God is also part of it, and I have done plenty of that, too.

Now I am coming to accept that sometimes when you pray, the answer is still, 'No.'

So, everyone, I have an announcement to make: "I'm infertile. Whoop-de-doo!"

I have noticed I am less upset at every pregnant woman I see. I no longer feel like a 10" knife is being shoved into my heart.

I still feel a bit of jealousy, but I am able to at least half-smile to myself about it.

I still feel a little bit of anger, and wonder why not me (or, why me?). But, I just shrug and think, "oh well..."

I have bigger things on my plate right now. Like, how to be a good mom to Handsome Man. I love him so much. How could I have ever dreamed of such a wonderful son? (I guess I should have said that sometimes when you pray, the answer is still 'yes', only it is not how/when/the way you were expecting. If that's true, I wonder, isn't it a waste not to appreciate the gift, and keep asking for something that might not happen the exact way you wanted?)

I am also wondering how to get myself back. I am tired most of the time. And, I've been not so interested in the things I used to be so interested in. I guess you could say if I am feeling anything close to the anger and frustration I used to feel about infertility it is more that I am SO angry at the years IF has taken away from me. It's like my life has kept on going, but I have been somewhere else. I have been in hell, while life, friends, family, love, and many beautiful things kept on going. Also, while other people may have been hurting for their own reasons, or needing a friend, I have not been there, because of IF. I have not been able to see around my own fence. I have been totally removed from me. The caring, concerned friend. Gone. Where is she? Too jealous of my friends' abilities to procreate, to be around and participate in their lives.

That's not to say that plenty of my friends have not done a very good job themselves of alienating me. Few of my friends ever took the time to learn about my diagnosis, or what happens when people go through infertility, or what some of the treatments are. And, there are at least a couple of people I have decided I just can't be friends with anymore because of some of the hurtful (or just plain stupid) things they have said. But, I am also coming to realize, that that is just human nature. If I had not gone through this infertility crap, I probably would be just as insensitive as some others, without meaning to be--just out of plain ignorance.

I just want my life back.

And I am less focused on trying to get pregnant. I truly feel in my heart now, that (and this may seem obvious to a lot of people, but remember the denial thing being part of the grieving process?) I will never become pregnant by having sex with my husband. That sucks. Big time. But, what can I do that I haven't already done to make that happen? (And please don't send me suggestions. Chances are, I've tried it, and if I haven't, I've lost the will to keep trying new types of voodoo.)

Yes, ART may still give me that longed for pregnancy.

I had hoped it would be as simple as an IUI or two.

But, honestly, I real feel like if it's gonna happen, it's gonna be IVF.

And maybe....

Donor Eggs.

There. I said it.

I don't know yet--but we'll see. We are starting to pay off some of our debt (yay for small progress!). Mister's job is going well (he works an awful lot--but I'm used to that from the years of him running his own company). We are hoping for a raise soon? Maybe? Which would be even better. We are still waiting on the new insurance cards, which should arrive any day--and I will still pursue the Endo diagnosis/treatment.

In the meantime, instead of spending our money on Acupuncturists, herbs, and other means of denial, we will try to save our pennies toward IVF. And while we wait for that future IVF to be a reality, I just want to live this life and enjoy my son and be a good mom.

And such as it is, since I'm not currently in treatment, and I'm not really feeling like waging the continuing emotional war with IF, I have found a lot more solace in reading blogs written by other adoptive moms. At least, I can relate. I feel like we have something in common. Not that I don't have things in common with my other IF friends out there...not that I don't cheer you all on as you face IVF, IUI, ICSI, and a host of other scary acronyms... it's just that, well, I'm on the bench. And I've sort of lost interest in the game...for now. I'm sorry. I just don't feel like I have much to offer or much in common. At the moment. When I read the adoption blogs, I can get excited and feel in touch.

My focus has shifted.

So, I'm going to start talking/blogging more about my life as an adoptive mom, about Handsome Man, about our adoption experience, and a host of other things I haven't really blogged that much about. I guess I started this blog as an infertility blog--and I wanted to sort of keep that going. But (for now at least) things are different. I hope some of you will follow along. And, that's not to say I won't still want to talk about the Infertility stuff. You know how these things go--the path to resolution and acceptance is more of an ellipse than a straight course.

I'm Alive--Pictures from St Thomas

Oh hello everyone. What can I say--Bad Blogger! In case anyone still reads I thought it is certainly high time I dropped you all a line and said that I'm still here.

The St. Thomas trip was, well, how do I describe it? GRUELING. No, it was NOT a vacation. Well, Mister got some R&R, but not me. In brief: 5 events in 4 days, all of which needed florals, one of which was really 3 events in one, so if you want to be picky, it was like 7 or 8 events all together. Let's see...so many adventures. My flowers got there before me. Which meant they sat in a hot post office for a full day before they could be rescued. Once I arrived, my assistant and I spent at least half a day conditioning, hydrating and generally trying to salvage all of our flowers. Oh, and the flower prep room we were supposed to have was not available, so we were in the ballroom with the rest of the event staff, which was fine, but it meant that eventually we had to move. Move, that is, like 30 buckets of flowers, several work tables, tarps, tools, etc., to another location. Oh, then, the air conditioning broke. Yeah, that was fun. So we had to move AGAIN back to the ballroom, until the a/c was fixed. (Are you getting a feeling for what it was like yet?) Okay, then, the second half of the 1st day we were in meetings and site visits with the whole event crew and the production staff, then meetings with the Client. Day 2: make arrangements for lobby, reception area and pool deck party. Install lobby and reception area arrangements. I think I got to bed around midnight? Day 3: Start on arrangements for 'executive dinner', install pool party. I think we got in a couple of hours at the beach that day. Day 4: finish executive dinner arrangements, start arrangements for Awards Party, drive off-site to set up Executive Dinner, come back, eat dinner, stay up till midnight helping put on table cloths and seat covers for Awards Dinner. Shall I go on? It went on like that all week, culminating on the last party/event on Saturday, which was the BIG GALA PARTY that was really 3 parties in one at a venue that was (really cool) off-site from the hotel. We spent the entire day setting up that party(ies), and then, we had to stay until the party was over (midnight, again) and break it all down. By my last day there (Sunday) I was so exhausted. The owner of the event company treated us all to a snorkeling trip Sunday morning and I was so exhausted I stayed ON THE BOAT. There I was, in the Caribbean, with a chance to swim with the fish, and the HUGE TURTLES and I was so exhausted I stayed on the boat. At least I got a couple of hours in the sun.

But, it was a successful trip. I did what I was hired to do, despite some less than ideal conditions and situations. My (awesome) assistant and I certainly had our hands full, and we had to do a bit of McGueyvering to get everything accomplished with not 100% of our floral product being viable, but we did it. By the last party, I was like, "I hope nobody looks too closely at the flowers--eek!" We were pretty much talking to the flowers and begging them to just hang on for one more day!! Oh, the hilarity. I definitely learned some lessons for next time--and I guess the client was happy because they are already talking about next year. In Beijing. Lord help me.

Oh, and p.s. I NEVER want to leave my baby for that long EVER AGAIN! Don't know what I'll do if I DO go to Beijing next year. But, Mister will be staying behind for that one, so I guess if I go at least Handsome Man will have one of us. I know he was super well loved and spoiled and doted on while he was with Grandma/Grandpa, but oy! my heart just hurt leaving him like that.

When I returned home, I didn't slow down. I got back late late on Monday and the next day was back to work. I had 3 events (yes, what was I thinking?) that following weekend. And, then, last weekend, I had two events.

Needless to say, I'm exhausted and still trying to catch my breath, so I haven't been much in the mood for blogging, but I've been checking in on my buds out there. I hope you haven't all forgotten about me.

Here's some pix from the trip!

The Mardi Gras themed party:
My goofy husband dancing with a samba dancer at the Rio/Carnival themed party:


















Another floral installation at 'Havana Blue' Restaurant that we did. These were actually HUGE and we did two of them.


















There were many more events and flowers and such, but honestly I didn't take a lot of pictures I was so dang busy!!

Leaving on a Jet Plane

My flowers, are, at least. They're on their way today. They should arrive at the hotel on Monday. Yes, folks--that's right 3-4 days in a box (well, 10 boxes, actually). I'll let you know how they look when they show up. But, these guys know what they're doing, so I just have to trust.

Tomorrow Mister and I have a full plate: take the dog to the kennel, drive out to Grandma and Grandpa's house (about 1 1/2 hours away) have lunch with Mister's parents, then (ack! sigh! eek!) leave my baby behind....for a whole 9 days!!!! Ouch--heart--hurt. Then we'll drive back home, load up our suitcases, and drive to a hotel near the airport where we'll spend the night, since our flight leaves at dark o'clock Sunday morning.

We'll be traveling aaaaaaaallll day Sunday and get in to St. Thomas at 7:45 p.m. (assuming all goes well). But with customs, etc., who knows what time we'll actually arrive at the hotel.

Then Monday my flowers should show up, and BAM! the work begins. There's arrangements to made for about 6 different parties throughout the week. Eee-gads.

So, I'll have to make this short, because, I still have to pack!!!

There is so much more I want to say, seeing as this weekend is....you know...that holiday. I'll be thinking of all of my friends out there who are mommies-in-their-hearts, as well as those who have made it to the other side after a long ride. I will raise a tiny bottle of booze to you all as I sit on the plane.

Flower Update

You think being in the floral business is all fun and roses, huh? (After you've cleaned out your first nasty, slimy flower bucket you'll change your mind on that one.)

Anyway, found a shipper/wholesaler out of LA who SWEARS he can get my flowers to St. Thomas for me. I just completed my order and now I'll be keeping my fingers and toes crossed until I see everything with my own eyes.

I woke up at 5:30 this morning, not because I had to but because my heart was racing and my stomach was turning, worrying about this and various other business things. I actually have a very stressful job. I don't just fondle daisies all day long. I'm starting to wonder how much longer I want to do this, how much longer I want to deal with this stress. When I woke up at 5:30 this morning, I thought, "great, it's starting." "It" is the stress that consumes me and keeps me awake and runs through me with a constant humming every May through October (aka wedding season). It's that I'm responsible for so much. Everything must be perfect and arrive on time and be just as the client imagined (or better) or else. You know, I deal mostly with brides and they are so "Oh my gawd everything has to be perfect for my Very Special Day or I'm going to just die!!" Which, I totally understand since I was once a bride myself. But, it's unnerving, you know? And I'm the kind of person that takes it all to heart. I take it on myself that it must be absolutely perfect and exceed expectations, or I'm not doing my job. And, the hours are long, the work is physical, and I almost never have a free weekend to spend with my family or see any of my friends (who have normal jobs and DON'T work on the weekends) every spring, summer, and fall.

But then, I do love it all the same. Look:

I'm Still Here

I'm still here. Sorry about the last vitriolic post. I was upset. Obviously. I'm still not happy about the current situation, but... there it is. I took a bit of a break from my heavy-duty blogging so sorry to all my bloggie friends for not checking in and commenting as often as I normally do, but it was actually a good thing. I think. I mean, when I'm trolling around the blogs in our little (big) Infertility/Pregnancy loss world, it seems like many of my buds are in treatment. And many of you, hopefully all of you, will be pregnant soon (if not already). Even though going through treatment is rough, believe it or not, I'm actually jealous of those of you able to be able to DO something. I know that sounds totally insane--and it probably is. (This whole IF thing is insane, no?) But as I sit here on the bench, not able to play in the game, it's just, well--depressing. It helps if I'm not constantly comparing myself to everyone else: She's older than me, she's younger than me, she's doing IVF, she got pregnant from an IUI, she's doing this, she's doing that, blah, blah, blah....! It's crazy-making. My brain just runs on and on and never shuts up. (Did I mention I'm insane? Yeah. It's stupid.)

So, it's not you--it's me.

I was going to wait to post until I had something to actually report, but not much is happening. But, if I still have any readers who are interested, here's what's happening.

Mister started his new job. He likes working there--but things are crazy right now, and he rarely gets home before 8 p.m. It's hard.

I am furiously trying to get my sh*t together for my trip to St. Thomas! I'm having a hard time finding a way to get my flowers shipped. In the olden days (pre-9/11) I could just have my local broker at the SF Flower Market pack up all my flowers and ship everything for me overnight on F.ed E.x. Now, with all the crazy homeland security stuff, customs can hold things up so long that F.ed E.x no longer ships flowers overseas. (Flowers are perishable, after all, and if they sit in customs for 3 days, well, they're dead, and the customer is very unhappy). So anyway, I'm looking into other options, and I won't bore you with the details, but one way or another, I will get flowers to the island (we're talking A LOT of flowers) and this event will happen. I hope to have time to post from there and let you guys know about all the crazy antics and hilarity that is sure to ensue.

Sometimes it strikes me that I have the weirdest job in the world.

Anyway...

On the financial front, things are still dicey. I had to file an extension with the IRS because Handsome Man does not have a SSN yet. (I guess I'm stupid but I didn't realize babies had to have SSN's. Now I know.) So, filed an extension, made a partial payment (all that I could do) and after I get through this St. Thomas event, I'll get back on the ball with my CPA and see what we can do. She's really great and I know she will do her best to find any deductions for us she can, but I owe, no matter what. As for that product that Mister and his FORMER! (thank goodness) business partner were going to possibly sell, it goes something like this: It needs some more work to be ready to sell. I do not understand completely but as Mister explains it, is is the type of thing that his former business partner (let's call him Joe) needs to work on. Joe, however, states he doesn't feel like working on it. Why? It would require him to do like 10 hours of work "for free." He doesn't feel like doing any work he's not getting paid for. You may be asking, but wouldn't it be worth it to be able to ultimately sell it and get rid of a huge chunk or maybe even all of the debt leftover from your business? That's what I said. Mister is exasperated, but doesn't feel like arguing with Joe any more. He pushed and prodded and argued with Joe for 3 years, and he is done, with a capital D. So, we're trying to look ahead and not behind, at least Mister won't have to deal with Joe anymore.

Our new health insurance kicks in tomorrow, so I'll be looking into finding a new gyno--and checking out if I can get a lap covered. At least I can do that. I've heard of lots of people who have had endo removed and were able to get pregnant. Now, I don't know if I have endo, but would like to at least rule it out. Makes sense, no? We shall see.

So, don't know what else to report. I'm just hoping we get a windfall of cash from somewhere, and can get back on track.

In other, happier, more inspiring news: If you have the time or the inclination, go over and wish my friend Char a hearty congratulations on her adoption news, (and please remind her to breathe) as she has just recently found out that she will soon be the proud mother of a baby to be born in a matter of weeks. She has waited for this for a long time for this and I am so happy for her!

Down....and Out.

I give up. Uncle. I fold. Throwing in the towel. I surrender.

It seems like I can't catch a break. I found out from my CPA that I owe a shit-ton of money to Uncle Sam. Just when I thought we were turning a corner, I am punched in the gut again. Shit. Shit. Shit. I mean A LOT of money. So, I guess I made a lot of money last year, huh? Yes, I did. Though I have nothing in my bank to show for it now. Where did all the money go? Oh, I don't know, let's review: Adoption expenses--cha-ching! Medical expenses--cha-ching! You know how I told you I have the world's crappiest self-pay insurance that covers bubkiss? Well, when you have an infant, you go to the doctor a lot. And that's if the baby is healthy. Thankfully, our son has been very healthy, but you still have to go to a lot of doctor appointments. And, we've had our fair share of colds, flu, vomiting, diarrhea, rashes, and fevers, to boot. Also one very expensive trip to the emergency room which turned out to be for nervous-new-parent disease, but there ya go. Also, our premiums for said crappy health insurance DOUBLED last year. Yes, doubled. Why? I turned 35--hooray! And we added the baby to the plan. Cha-ching! Child care--Cha-ching! I don't know but all the money I made last year got burned up, and now I can't pay the tax bill. I should have made estimated payments, but we seemed to need all of my income--and we thought the adoption tax credit would alleviate my liability. Nope. It helped, but not enough. Now, normally, at this time of year, I am sitting on a big stack of deposits for upcoming weddings, and while it would still suck to have to pay this enormous tax bill, at least I'd be able to do it. Not so this year. Thanks to the recession, or God only knows what, this year is looking L-E-A-N. I mean, this is like the slowest year since I started this damn business. So, I have very little in the coffers to pay toward this tax bill. So, I will be incurring yet another debt: monthly payments to the IRS to pay off my tax bill for the next God knows how long.

Just when I was starting to get up, just when I was starting to see the light, POW! Back in the dirt.

What this really all means is that we are still destined to be broke for a while. And, that means that fertility treatments just became an even dimmer glimmer of hope, waaaaay further off in the distance. I was sorta hoping that maybe, by the end of this year, we'd be able to start talking, thinking and planning something....maybe even be able to go back to doing some IUI's. Now, forget it. I can't afford to go grocery shopping let alone schedule an IUI. And IVF? Un-uh.

So, this is it. I am getting the message here that the Universe is against me ever seeing my dreams fulfilled. I work and I work and it does nothing and goes nowhere. I feel like everything I touch turns to disaster.

If we can't do IVF in the next couple of years, then we might as well just forget it. And don't say DONOR EGGS to me, I'm not ready to talk about it now. I just feel like I've GOT to give my eggs a try before we go that route or I'll spend the rest of my life wondering what if.... But, I'm 36 already, so it's not looking good. (Meanwhile women my age and older are having babies all around me, but this is ME we're talking about. One failed pregnancy in 4 years of trying? Yeah.)

I just feel so fucking hopeless right now, and totally beat into submission. I have been trying and trying to stay so positive, but I am finding it very fucking hard to see the silver lining right now.

Oh, to add insult to injury, some dude vandalized my work van a couple of weeks ago. He carved FUCK YOU into the side of my van. He was totally crazy or on drugs--I've never seen him before in my life--but he did it right out in the open, while I was standing a few feet away in my office with the door open. Maybe he was channeling a message straight from the Universe to me: FUCK YOU. That's how it feels right now.

I always SWORE I would not raise an only child. I was an only child. I have a sister but there is such an age difference between us, that she was off to college, abroad, by the time I was 2. She continued to live abroad (married and had children) until she returned to the states when I was 13. IT SUCKED. I always dreamed of having a little sister to play with and take care of, or of having a big brother to stick up for me on the playground. It was lonely. But, it's looking more and more like Handsome Man will be an only child, I guess.

THIS SUCKS!!!!!! I am so angry right now. But I am so sick of fighting. It's like constantly swimming against the current. It's exhausting. I feel like sysiphus.

So, I'm out. I'm out of the game, at least for a while. I'm waiting on a miracle. A very huge, sweeping, unbelievable miracle. That seems to be my only hope. I don't know if I will feel like posting for a while, and I'm sorry if I don't comment as much. It's hard for me not only to see all the pregnant women around me in real life, but also difficult as blogger friend after blogger friend falls pregnant. And I am so happy for those of you that do. Anyone who fights this IF battle and wins deserves every minute of happiness. But, right now, instead of seeing it as something hopeful that I might one day attain, it just feels like more mockery. Everywhere I go big pregnant bellies mock me. At the grocery store. At the bank. At the flower market. That's the hard one. Seeing these women walking around the flower market with their big, bulging bellies, picking out flowers, lah-de-dah. That was my dream. That was my life that I envisioned. That's me--only it's not me. It hurts, deep. So, it feels like I am the butt of some big universal joke on a daily basis. And on a good day, I can manage to chuckle at it, too. But not today.

Nothing Exciting, But Here It Is...

I haven't felt much like posting lately. Probably because I don't have a whole lot to say. But, here's a bit of what's going on around here....

Mister started his new job yesterday. This is very exciting, of course. Unfortunately, it will be more long days as he is coming in to the company in the midst of many projects that need a lot of work done in a short amount of time. But, it's all good. This will give him an opportunity to prove how awesome and invaluable he is, right?

The bad news is that he had to walk away from his business partnership with outstanding debt still hanging over his head. His former business partner is wrapping up some of their projects--and once they are completed, we will know how much debt is left. My hubby has agreed to pay 50% of what is left over. Of course. And, since we don't have buckets of money laying around, he'll be making monthly payments toward the debt. So, even though he will be making more money, it won't feel like it so much, until that debt is paid off. *sigh* It seems like we're always moving one step forward and 50 steps back. Ya know?

Potential good news: Apparently, some other company is interested in buying one of the products that my husband and his business partner were developing. This is a BIG IF...but...if they look at it and decide to buy it, it MIGHT be enough to pay off the outstanding debt. This of course, would be a major answer to prayer. So, send up a prayer for us, will ya? Thanks.

Other than that it's pretty boring stuff around here. For some reason I seem to have wicked allergies this year, and I'm walking around in a nose-drippy, throat-scratchy fog 90% of the time, so I'm feeling neither productive or creative. I managed to finally get all of my tax stuff off to our CPA which is a big relief. I'm keeping my fingers crossed big time that I don't owe anything. Yeesh. But, it's good to have the monkey off my back. It took me forever to get all that sh%t together. Not fun. (Ah, the glamorous side of running your own business--blecch.)

See--nothing exciting, or creative from me right now. Sorry.

Thanks to everyone who sent me your sweet, loving, supportive comments last week. It meant so much. You guys are the best. I just wish we could all get together right here in my living room in real life and eat chocolate and drink wine. Wanna? I did finally talk to T., and everything is fine. Her baby came early, but all is well. She has just been (understandably) preoccupied and has taken a while to get back to me.

xox