Where I Am and Where I Want to Be

First of all, thank you everyone for your kind, sweet comments on my last post. I am glad you enjoyed reading it. I wrote it from a very honest place, including some thoughts/feelings that were less than angelic, so I was worried. I would like to write more "chapters" about our adoption experience, if y'all are still interested. I would like to write it all down while the memories are still fresh.

Now on to some randomness:

Where I am: Not pregnant. In transition. Confused. Fighting the blues. Prone to weepiness, but keeping it together, most of the time. Surrounded by pregnant people.

Where I want to be: Pregnant. Fat. Healthy. Happy. Enjoying every minute of a pregnancy, including morning sickness and fat ankles. Bring it on.

I want to enjoy watching my CHILDREN play together. I want to watch Handsome Man become a big brother. I want to watch my kids roll around on the floor and play together.

I want to look at an ultrasound screen and see a live baby. I want Mister to be so incredibly happy to see our baby moving on the ultrasound/sono screen that he starts to cry.

So.

I want to start treatment. Like, now. I know it can't happen RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE but, I'm ready. I want to get tested for Endometriosis, make sure it's not an issue (I have suspected for a long time it might be, but have been pooh-poohed on the topic by several doctors). If I have it, I want it fixed. NOW. Then, I want to do IVF. Do not pass go, do not waste any more time. I want to be pregnant with a real live baby.

*sigh*

I am trying to trust that God is working on all of this for me as we speak. We have gotten very good news recently: Mister was offered (and accepted) a good position with a company that he is very excited to start working with. (I am so very proud of my man. He is The Man.) Of course, we have already reviewed the health insurance plans they offer. The good news is that they DO offer health insurance, and it covers Mister and his spouse (me! yay!). We need only add and pay for Handsome Man. This alone will be saving us a good deal of money every month since we have been self-paying for our entire family for years. The bad news is that neither of the 2 health plans offer any coverage for infertility treatments. However, one plan does state that testing is covered. So, I am wondering if that would mean it would cover a lap. to determine/treat endo. That alone would be a blessing.

The other bit of good news is, that, of course, Mister will be making more money. So, once we can get some of our debt paid down, we can resume treatment.

And, another blessing, which I forgot to mention previously, is that as a "present" for HM's first birthday, Mister's parents "forgave" our debt to them. (They had loaned us a lot of money to help with our very sudden adoption, which we've been paying back monthly.) This is another financial burden lifted. I have been praying to God to help us with our financial situation, and now all these things are happening. (And yes, I have the most wonderful in-laws on the planet). So, I have to breathe and trust that things are happening. The Universe is lining things up. This is what I keep telling myself at least, when the panic or the depression starts to set in. Or when I run into another old friend sporting a baby bump. (It. keeps. happening.)

Wish us luck. Mister is actually starting his new job very soon. Much sooner than we originally thought. I'll keep you posted!