Tuesday, April 1, 2008

A Foolish Day

I woke up this morning feeling tired and a little despondent.

I tried to shake it off with a chai, but it's like I couldn't get out of a fog.

I had been dreaming all night of a little baby girl. I was holding her, changing her diapers, and breast feeding her.

I have been so numb and sluggish all day and just wondering what is wrong with me. Am I getting sick? What is going on? I had an appointment with my chiropractor this morning and thought I would feel better after that. I didn't. I just wanted to go to sleep. But can't sleep.

And I just figured it out.

I looked at the date. April 1st.

Two years ago today I was told the baby inside me was not growing and that my pregnancy was not viable. Yeah. I was an April Fool.

On another note, today my friend T.'s baby is due. I have called her several times in the past few weeks, but she has not returned my calls. I think she is probably mad at me because I have not really been there for her during most of her pregnancy. Anyway, I hope she and the baby are okay. I am sure that they are.

I'm just sad today. Tomorrow will be better.


Duck said...

Sorry to hear that your having a crap day, it's to be expected, that's an awful thing to have happen to you, and i'm sure the anniversary is a hard thing to deal with.
Don't worry about your friend, it's hard to get excited about and involved in a friends' pregnancy. It's just so hard.
Hugs, hope tomorrow is better.

Tracy said...

I'm sorry you had a rough day. I can't imagine how heartbroken you must have been (and probably still are.)

Thinking of you...

Kami said...

I'm sorry you had such a tough day. I hope today IS better.

If your friend can't understand why you can support her day in and day out with her pregnancy, maybe she isn't such a great friend.

Maria said...

It's so hard to wake up from such wonderful and vivid dreams to realize they're not our reality. It always leaves me in a funk too.

I'm so sorry that you lost your baby a year ago. I couldn't imagine what you're feeling. But know that we're all here for you and love you.

Lori said...

This just goes to show how deeply rooted our dreams are. It takes a LOT to release them.

I hope T understands, or will one day soon.

Hugs, Frenchie.

Char said...

Hey Frenchie
I've been so bad with cyberspace lately, and I haven't even really felt like even checking my comments or posting a new blog... but I've been thinking of you and thought, "if I don't check in on anyone else, I'm at least going to check in on Frenchie..." and I'm so glad I did.
I am so sorry to hear you're feeling down in the dumps. But also let you know that it's ok to feel down as you think back on what happened with your baby. Nobody should have to deal with the heartache of miscarriage. Especially people who so dearly love children and want to build their families so earnestly. I am so thankful that God has a plan to raise the dead back to life again one day, at the resurrection. So that we can be reunited together. That hope keeps me going some days.

My heart aches along with yours.
I will be thinking of you and sending hugs your way