Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Life, Love and the Pursuit of Happiness

Wowee. It seems like there is just no time for blogging these days. I've been really busy with work stuff. And, there's other stuff going on, too (which I'll get to in a minute) causing my husband to like, neeever be at home (ok I'm exaggerating a little). But seriously, he's been leaving early and getting home late most nights (nine, ten o'clock at night), and that means I've been getting a small slice of what life would be like as a single mom. Meaning, I have no time to blog, folks! (Props to all the single moms out there. I know you are rolling your eyes and saying, 'you have nooo idea.' I know).

I've been up and down a lot lately. But at the moment, pretty ok. I saw a friend of mine last week for lunch. A friend I haven't seen in over a year(!) She is my one and only, in real life friend, who is dealing with infertility issues. She is younger than me by about 5 years, but she and her hubby have been trying for something like 6 years. She just came through a failed IVF cycle. It was so good to see her and talk IF stuff. What a relief to have someone who understands. I really think it IS the best form of therapy. We REALLY need to get together more often!

On the whole, I've been thinking a lot about my life. Having to take a forced break from treatment has been not a totally bad thing. I know we had just gotten started, in a way, with the whole treatment thing, but stopping and having to 'soak' in the reality of my life has brought on some interesting thoughts, or realizations.

Okay, so I am not one of those "Life gives you lemons, go and make lemonade!" people. But, I am pretty sick of being so incredibly sad all the time. I've come to realize that this IS my life. I AM infertile, and I've had to think, what will my life be like if nothing ever changes? Yes, getting pregnant is something I've wanted terribly for so long, but, what if it just never happens? Am I going to let my life slip by me and be miserable the whole entire time? Baby Boy is almost one year old, and I have spent the entire first year of his life obsessing over trying to get pregnant. I guess I thought that somehow when our adoption happened so unexpectedly quickly, that our luck in general had changed, and the floodgates would open, and that somehow things would change for us in the fertility department, too, and our cup would overflow with babies and good fortune. And when that didn't happen, I got frustrated and sad. (Though after already going through 3 years of infertility--now almost four--frustration and sadness were nothing new, but you know what I mean.) So, with infertility having such a tight grip on my heart, mind and soul, I have not been able to fully enjoy the life, the gifts, the miracles that are here now. Namely, my son.

Don't get me wrong. I have been loooooving being a mom. And, I don't think it's possible to love this kid anymore than I do. But, when you're basically depressed, it's hard to really let the joy in. You can't really fall down on the ground and roll around in the joy of the present moment, if you get my gist.

Yesterday I was doing something silly and Baby Boy was giggling. He has the best laugh. And it made me laugh, and my heart just filled up. And, for the first time in a long time, I could really feel it--joy. And I thought, hey. I've been missing this. It was there--it was just buffered and diluted by all the sadness. By all the looking over the fence to see what the other side was doing. By all the wishing things were different. That's just wrong. And I thought, I've been missing out!

That's not to say that we don't still want another baby one day. And yes, I would STILL really like it if I could be pregnant. We would like to try more fertility treatments. And that brings me to the other stuff, in a round about way, that's been going on. See if you can follow along.

After two, going on three years, my husband and his business partner have decided to disband their business. They have put in a lot of effort, talent, thought, and hard work. They have had many successes. But, to put it bluntly, the money is just not there. Mister and his business partner aren't making any more than what they are having to pay some of their employees. And things aren't changing. As you know, Mister and I have money problems, and he decided that he would like to be in a better place, financially, at this point in his life. While we are not super materialistic people, it's hard not to notice when all of your friends have bigger houses, nicer cars, and less debt and bigger savings accounts than you do. And less worry. Two self-employed people in one marriage is, well, scary. Less so when you are child free. But, with a kid? Super scary. And, between the two of us (Mister and I) he is the one who, if he went out and got a job working for the Man, would bring home a bigger paycheck. So, that is what is going to happen. In a couple of months or so, Mister will be (hopefully) bringing home a bigger paycheck. And....hopefully....benefits. Which could mean, if we're lucky, no more of this self-pay, crappy health insurance that doesn't cover ANYTHING. Which could mean, again, if we're super lucky, some ability to get back on the Treatment bandwagon.

In the meantime, this transition is scary. Change, and the unknown are always so. And, until the business is properly shut down, Mister is going to be working like a maniac to try and wrap up projects, and to bring in as much money as possible, to pay off all their existing operating debt. And, they are going to have to start laying off employees, so there will be fewer people to do all that work. So, lots of early mornings, late nights, and stress. And, on the weekends, he will continue to work on his resume, and read all sorts of books (the sort I could never understand one paragraph of) to make sure he is up to date in his field of expertise, so that he will sound very smart during interviews. It is a lot of pressure on him, and I am feeling for him. But is is a lot of pressure on our family on the whole. It means some added responsibility on me, to hold down the fort, so to speak, while he is either at work, on the computer, or has his nose in a book about programming or some such.

And, so. I'm trying to focus on the here and now. My life. What do I want? Who's in charge here? Oh yeah, ME! (And God). So, it's decision-making time. What is going to make me happy? I mean, what, that I actually have some control over, will make me happy? This shake-up with my husband's career has made me start thinking about my own business, and how it relates to my happiness in general. There are good things about it. A lot of good things. But there are a lot of things that suck my energy and don't bring me joy. I am looking for more joy out of this life. And, you don't get what you won't give to yourself.

The wheels are spinning...stay tuned.


Maria said...

This was such a good post. So much of what you wrote is what I think about on a daily basis.

Like mostly, how can I be happy when I'm focused solely on something that brings me so much unhappiness.

It sounds like you are at a good fork in the road. You and dh have some new changes in front of you, that feel scary, but sound like they're going to work out for the best.

I hate change, but to not change, is to not really live. And I'm trying really hard to fully live these days. After all they're all that we have.

I can imagine Baby Boy's laugh, and just imagining it makes my heart swell.

JJ said...

What an emotion filled post! You have some wheels turning there, girl! Joy can be easily taken for granted--AND hard to find even when we want so badly for it to be part of our every day life.
Embrace your words: you and God are in control of how you react to what is going on in your life. I will say a prayer for you today hoping that joy finds its way to you--even in the small things=)

Tracy said...

I am reeling with emotion for you right now. I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a big hug right now.

I'm excited for what the future holds for you and your family, though I know it will be challenging in the meantime.

And I wish you joy. And lots of it. You deserve it...

Char said...

Dear Frenchie
Oh, I hear you, girl. I hear you and I hear you and I hear you. You spoke my heart. Oh, if only we could get our heart's desires! Imagine! But then, I wonder if we would appreciate it as much? Nah, we would! c",)
I loved this post of yours. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.

Kami said...

What a thought filled post! I could relate to so much too - wanting and learning to live without sadness. This post (and your much appreciated recent comment on my blog) have reminded me that I can choose joy and don't need to be the victim of sadness - pg hormones, DE or whatever.

I am excited for the changes coming your way and hope you will find joy and peace and hubby will find a job he loves (and pays the big bucks!)