Thursday, February 26, 2009


There is a reason I never pick up the phone. There is a reason I've been a total recluse for the past howevermany years now. Because each time I talk to someone it is another opportunity for the Universe to remind me of just how fertile the rest of the world is. Seriously. 

I spent a large portion of my day yesterday reaching out to anyone and everyone I could think of that might have some work they could possibly throw my way. I left cheery little voice mails all over town. Well today a woman called me back.  A wedding coordinator I've worked with like one time. The first time I met her, it was not too long after my miscarriage (I can't remember exactly when it was...) and she announced that she was pregnant right there in a client meeting with the me, and the client. She wasn't even showing yet. But she was all, "Oh, by the time of the event (the client's event, which we were meeting about) I'll be as big as a house! Hahaha." I just remember feeling like I was on fire and trying not to scream throughout that entire meeting, and then coming home and crying and being a wreck for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, I didn't end up getting hired for that event (gee, I can't imagine why? did I seem like a total weirdo during the meeting despite my best efforts to act normal?), so I didn't get to see her all "as big as a house." The next time I talked to her, it was around this time last year? Maybe a little earlier, like December. Of course by then we had had our whirlwind adoption, and I had a baby. And she had hers, of course. We were supposed to meet with another client together at that time, but Handsome Man had the flu and I had called to cancel. Now, a year later, bless her heart, she was the first person out of all those messages I left yesterday, to call me back. Feeling strong and good enough these days to actually ask people how their babies are doing or pregnancies are going*, I inquired about her baby. She started laughing and told me that she had just had her second baby. Hahaha. So, yes, she's really busy. More laughter, hahha. "Oh congratulations, blah, blah blah," I said, while I felt like the wind had just been knocked out of me. Two babies in less than 3 years. 

This is why I never answer the phone. But not answering the phone is not a good thing when you are trying to make money running your own business. 

I also love it when I get the announcements from past brides that they are expecting. It's like, ok, I just did your wedding 6 months ago (or whatever) and now you're pregnant. Yippee. 

Meanwhile, I sit here waiting for the phone to ring from the doctor's office to find out about my lap. That lady has still not called me back. I am half-inclined to drive up there (30 minutes away) and walk in and demand to have someone speak to me! Grrr. All so I can pay for the pleasure of having my insides scraped out, so that maybe maybe maybe I'll have a small chance of becoming pregnant? A pregnancy I'll have to shell out big bucks for. While the world goes on around me and people pop out babies like pez candies. 

This is why I don't answer the phone. Or read the magazines in the grocery aisle. Seriously.

*ok, maybe that is an exaggeration. I can ask after people's babies. At least I can relate to caring for and loving a baby. But I am not really in a place where I can ask people about their pregnancies. The lady at my son's daycare is pregnant and I see her belly growing day by day, but I never ask the usual, "So, how are you feeling?" question that everybody always asks pregnant women. I keep it the topics of Handsome Man, work, the weather. So, I guess I am a whimp. Oh well.


Tracy said...

You are NOT a wimp. You are very normal.

I'm sorry.

Just me said...

I feel that way too. Facebook is killing me- I see people I went to hs with who have 3+ kids, people who I know got married a few months ago and are pregnant, STUDENTS I had (who are all under 20 and not married) who have at least one baby.

I'm a terrible faker, so when people tell me they are pregnant I try to smile and say "Oh, congrats" but I'm sure it doesn't come off as genuine. I'm definitely getting to that (bitchy) point where it's hard to be glad for other people... I can't listen to others talk about their pregnancies without it ruining the rest of my day. I hate that I feel that way, but that's how I feel. :(

luna said...

I am the same way. I really can't ask people IRL about their pregnancies, except for K (our expectant mama). hard to admit, but I really don't want to hear it, and I just can't fake it.

and oh yeah, lots of our friends and fam did the 3 in 2 yrs thing too. annoying, it is. even now, while we are finally hoping to bring our baby home in a few months, the talk among fam and friends is all about when people will have their next one, or how relieved they are to be done. fugh.

btw, hope you get some gigs soon.