Thursday, February 19, 2009

So Many Reasons to Be Happy

...and I am totally despondent. 

Thank you everyone for letting me vent about what is probably just run of the mill raising a toddler. I felt better just getting it out. So, thank you.

There are a lot of things in my life right now that should be making me very very happy. So many things to be grateful for. 

Number one of course is my gorgeous son.

I've been holding out on you guys about a couple of other things, too. The short rundown (I had wanted to do a longer post but I am dog tired right now) is as follows: 
New gyno. I LOVE HIM. Same practice as my old doc, but new doctor. Finally someone is taking me seriously. He is checking things out. He thinks my thyroid might be wonky. So I'm getting it tested. And I am getting scheduled for a lap. Finally someone is taking my endo theory seriously too. Mister and I have been making plans for a possible IVF come this fall. And, most recently, Mister's mom and dad told us, on my birthday, that they are gifting us a nice big chunk of money. Enough money to help us pay down some of our debt, and sock some away to make that IVF a definite and not just a maybe. We still can't go hog wild. It isn't enough to throw at endless IVFs. But still. We get to. Finally. 

So I should be happy? Right?

Right. Except. It might be too late for that IVF to do any good. My cycles have been getting shorter and I have been ovulating very very early. Today I got my period. A 21-day cycle. This is bad, bad news. This may mean the end for my ovaries. That first RE told me this is what would happen. There was just a huge part of me that didn't believe him. I kept thinking eventually, I'd get pregnant. It happened to my mom, right? Even though we went forward with an adoption, I thought one day I'd fall pregnant. Month after month, year after year. At least a tiny piece of me believed. 

Now I think I am turning a corner. I don't go into each new month thinking (at all, not even in the back recesses of my mind) that maybe just maybe this will be the month I'll get my miracle. I have known for sure for a while now that it will take big time Treatment. And now. It looks like if we do do that IVF it will have to be with donor eggs. I am open to it--but I am sad. I'm really really sad and just hate this body of mine. I have been so depressed I feel like I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I fake all my happy feelings. I have gotten very good at faking it. 

I feel lost. 

My only hope right now is that I actually DO have a thyroid problem and it is making my cycles wonky. But that is a long-shot. Only an infertile would actually hope for a thyroid problem. Ha! 

I need to talk to Mister about all of this, but he doesn't like to hear about my feelings about this infertility stuff. It is too frustrating for him, I guess, probably because he feels so powerless to do anything to make it better. And, because it's been going on for so long, he's just exhausted by it. So, I just keep it to myself. 

I've been waking up every morning since my birthday and the first thought in my mind has been that my life is over. WTF? That is fucked up. I don't think that on purpose. It's like the thought just sits there waiting for me in my subconscious,  waiting to pounce on me the moment I open my eyes. 

I think I may be going insane. And into menopause. 



Char said...

Frenchie, I am SO sorry to hear all the rubbish you're going through right now! What happened to that "bed of roses" future, huh? I can SO relate on SO many levels. But I also want to tell you something that made an enormous difference for me. I took myself off the hook. I allowed myself to be "imperfect". To stop having enormous expectations for myself. To stop wondering what other people might be thinking. And decided to just BE. And for me that made the world's difference. Suddenly, I CAN BE happy. Suddenly, I CAN BE relaxed. Not every day is though. Obviously. Some days I'm a monster. (Luckily us infertiles have hormones we can blame for part of that! haha!) But for me, releasing myself of that incredibly huge burden of being "perfect" was the ticket. It might be different for you. I'm an A-type personality (control freak, perfectionist, pessimist, obviously over-the-top, driven person), trying desperately to be laid back and relaxed. They say "just relax" works for lots of people! haha. I'm trying. Dang I'm trying! And I'm going to get an A for effort! haha.
Seriously, thinking of you Frenchie. I so know how you're feeling!

Tracy said...

Sigh. Where to start?

There is some good news mixed into that whole bag. But I know that the bad stuff can sometimes be so overwhelming that it overtakes any positive feelings we might have about the good stuff.

I hope it IS your thyroid, and that you get some answers with this new gyno. But if it isn't, there are still good things in store for you. Email me if you ever want to "chat" about DE. tvo1991atcharterdotnet.

Big hugs.

Peeveme said...

Hey sweetie,

It's so hard to try to guess all this IVf/DE stuff and the financial part of it makes it all feel so critical. Could your new Ob run some bloodwork? day-3 fsh and maybe a clomid challenge. If those turn out horrible then maybe it would make considering DE easier and you would not have spent your $ on a failed cycle?

I needed to try 2 IVFs with my own eggs to be sure DE was right for me. I decided mid-way thru my 2nd cycle that it was not going to work. So I spent 30K (2 cycles) with my own eggs then had to turn around and spens 30K for a donor cycle. But I think 30K is worth my piece of mind. So I understand needing to give your eggs a good chance.

luna said...

it sucks to know there is happiness abound but you can't even feel it. and it sucks to be angry about the betrayal of your own body. hope you get that part figured out as you plan your next steps. and yay for unexpected gifts of money!

thinking of you, frenchie.

Jo said...


Just me said...

Sometimes, one just gets in a good funk and can't get out. I've been feeling that way too. And it's not as if your funkiness is unwarrented.

Thinking of you!