Thank you everyone for letting me vent about what is probably just run of the mill raising a toddler. I felt better just getting it out. So, thank you.
There are a lot of things in my life right now that should be making me very very happy. So many things to be grateful for.
Number one of course is my gorgeous son.
I've been holding out on you guys about a couple of other things, too. The short rundown (I had wanted to do a longer post but I am dog tired right now) is as follows:
New gyno. I LOVE HIM. Same practice as my old doc, but new doctor. Finally someone is taking me seriously. He is checking things out. He thinks my thyroid might be wonky. So I'm getting it tested. And I am getting scheduled for a lap. Finally someone is taking my endo theory seriously too. Mister and I have been making plans for a possible IVF come this fall. And, most recently, Mister's mom and dad told us, on my birthday, that they are gifting us a nice big chunk of money. Enough money to help us pay down some of our debt, and sock some away to make that IVF a definite and not just a maybe. We still can't go hog wild. It isn't enough to throw at endless IVFs. But still. We get to. Finally.
So I should be happy? Right?
Right. Except. It might be too late for that IVF to do any good. My cycles have been getting shorter and I have been ovulating very very early. Today I got my period. A 21-day cycle. This is bad, bad news. This may mean the end for my ovaries. That first RE told me this is what would happen. There was just a huge part of me that didn't believe him. I kept thinking eventually, I'd get pregnant. It happened to my mom, right? Even though we went forward with an adoption, I thought one day I'd fall pregnant. Month after month, year after year. At least a tiny piece of me believed.
Now I think I am turning a corner. I don't go into each new month thinking (at all, not even in the back recesses of my mind) that maybe just maybe this will be the month I'll get my miracle. I have known for sure for a while now that it will take big time Treatment. And now. It looks like if we do do that IVF it will have to be with donor eggs. I am open to it--but I am sad. I'm really really sad and just hate this body of mine. I have been so depressed I feel like I'm on the verge of tears all the time. I fake all my happy feelings. I have gotten very good at faking it.
I feel lost.
My only hope right now is that I actually DO have a thyroid problem and it is making my cycles wonky. But that is a long-shot. Only an infertile would actually hope for a thyroid problem. Ha!
I need to talk to Mister about all of this, but he doesn't like to hear about my feelings about this infertility stuff. It is too frustrating for him, I guess, probably because he feels so powerless to do anything to make it better. And, because it's been going on for so long, he's just exhausted by it. So, I just keep it to myself.
I've been waking up every morning since my birthday and the first thought in my mind has been that my life is over. WTF? That is fucked up. I don't think that on purpose. It's like the thought just sits there waiting for me in my subconscious, waiting to pounce on me the moment I open my eyes.
I think I may be going insane. And into menopause.