Today is my birthday. I am 37. I never imagined that I would be here, where I am, now. But how could I? First of all, my mom conceived me at 37. SIXTEEN years after my sister, with no other kids in between (although she had 2 miscarriages). I was a "miracle" pregnancy. My parents were sure their baby-maker was busted and had stopped thinking about the remote possibility of having another child. My sister was a senior in high school. My mom had plans to go back and finish her college degree. Life was moving in another direction. Oops. There I was. But, I always felt, growing up that my parents were so OOOLLDD!! My mom was 38 when I was born and my dad was 40. Granted, by today's standards that is nothing out of the ordinary. But when I was growing up it was sort of odd. And, my dad was one of those people (and unfortunately, I have inherited some of this) who aged more rapidly than he should of, and he looked much older than his true age. Also, while most of my friends' parents were comparably younger and hipper, and had much more energy, my parents were still living in the 1950's. It was really a drag. So I swore if I ever had kids, I would have them super young, and be a young, hip mom. I never even imagined what my life would be like at 37 because, surely, by 37, life would pretty much be over and I'd just be waiting to die....right? So, here I am... wow. I'm not really sure what to say. I hope I can do better by my one child than my parents did by me. I realize now that age is more about attitude than years, and my parents were just living in a different era. They also were unhappy people and had given up on living life, and that is what made them seem so.....old. I will try to be more energetic, more in tune, more aware, and yes, if I can, way more "hip" than my parents were. I will try to continue to take care of my health, and hopefully (unlike my father) I will live a long healthy life and get to see my son grow up, become an adult, and not only dance at his wedding, but show the youngin's a thing or two. I will hold my grandchildren, and if I'm super lucky I'll be around to see them blossom toward or into adulthood as well. Hell, maybe one day I'll even hold a great grandchild in my arms. If I'm with it enough to know who I'm looking at. Ahhh, this is a hard one, for me folks. But I am trying to stay calm. Life is what you make of it, and life has moved in a much different direction than I ever thought. I pray that I will be able to bring another child into this family and that Handsome Man will not grow up an only child. I pray that I will find the inner strength and God will help me to be a good mom. I pray that I will hold onto my youthful feelings about life, even if my face reveals a different image in the mirror. (Thankfully, there is Botox and other stuff, that, once I can afford it, I'm aaaaalll over). I pray that this year I can find some resolutions to my sorrow and my longings, and whether that means making peace with what I have and moving on, or pursuing another adoption, or doing DE/IVF or hell, getting a miracle and getting pregnant with my own eggs, that by 38 I'll be a little closer to where I want to be. But I also know that I can't put too many demands on an age or a year. I realize I have no control over this. I can only do what little tiny bit is mine to do...with the limited resources we have. I need to be ok with wherever I am this time next year. And that will be a challenge, I'm sure.
I am thankful for my friends, both "real" and "from the internets," my husband and Dear God my wonderful son.
My challenge to myself for year #37 will be to do the OPPOSITE of what my parents did. Instead I need to pursue Life--to live, have fun, be engaged in my son's life. To have friends, have goals, and to feel inspired and....Alive. I have a lot of work ahead of me. I will have to start digging myself out of a pretty deep hole that I've dug myself into over the past few years....a hole of despair and apathy brought on by the overwhelming disappointment that is Infertility. So, (*grabbing shovel*) here I go. Wish me luck.