Fertility Aside...

Fertility and procreation, obviously, are not my strong-suits.

But, I have let that rule how I have felt about myself entirely--for too long. When I think about myself, it's all I think about. When I look at myself it is all that I see.

It's time for the evil reign of Infertility to loosen its grip on me.

I have many other gifts. And, have had many other accomplishments in my life (other than bearing children). Here is what I am able to come up with right now. I hope to keep adding to the list.

- I have a way with animals. Don't know why or how exactly, but they seem to be at ease around me.

- I have a beautiful singing voice. (IMHO)

- I'm a pretty darn good cook. (When I feel like it).

- I am a very talented floral designer. I have made hundreds of Brides (among other people) very happy, as a result of my talent. Also, my work has been featured on two wedding-related cable tv shows, and in probably 10 or more magazines.

- I make a mean cocktail.

- I have a quick, and sometimes kooky, sense of humor. I can make people laugh.

- For some reason, my son's birth-mother saw some quality in me (and Mister) that she thought was unique and special and good and real enough to entrust the life of her child--FOREVER--to us.

- I think I am doing a pretty darn good job (so far) of being a mom. I'd like to think so, at least.

So, fertility aside, I've got some pretty good abilities, wouldn't you say? You could even say I've been blessed.

Now, if I can just convince myself of that on a daily basis!

The Elusive Miracle-Surprise

Another friend of mine is pregnant.

I found out as Mister and I were excitedly driving out of town on the way to our first day of vacation. My cell phone rang, and, I was delighted to see my old friend's number. So I answered. And she told me the news. After I hung up, Mister said he was very proud of me, because I did such a good job sounding excited and happy for my friend. To which I replied, "Well, I'm a very good actor." But, the truth was, I am happy and excited for her. And jealous and crushed. Simultaneously. This friend of mine is a bit older than me. (42). She had her first child 4 years ago, and though they struggled for about a year and a half to conceive (natural conception) they had no other issues. Due to my friend's age, she and her husband figured they'd better jump right back on the train and try for number 2 right away. So, for the past 4 years or so, they've been trying to conceive. ART is not for them, and so, after 4 years, and after celebrating another birthday, she figured it was over. She totally moved on. She gave away all the baby stuff she'd been hanging on to (high chairs, clothes, toys, etc.) some of which I was the happy recipient. She told me, the last time I saw her, that she and her husband knew they would just be a family of 3, and that was fine. Done. Moving on. Next topic.

Then, Blam! Pregnant. A total miracle-surprise.

There have been a lot of these miracle-surprises happening lately. There have been several recently out in the blogosphere that I am aware of. And, there's all the second-hand stories I hear everywhere. (Some one's friend's-sister, who only had one ovary, tried for 5 years, yadda, yadda, yadda.) I have heard so many of these miracle tales over the past 3-4 years that I honestly assumed that eventually, one day, MY miracle-surprise would happen. It is what has kept the flame of hope alive through all of the bad news and evidence to the contrary I've received, that one day, it would happen.

So the overwhelming feeling I had when I hung up the phone was, "Where's MY miracle?"

And the following answer my mind and heart came up with was this. Maybe there is no miracle in store for me. Miracles are miracles because they don't happen every day, or to everyone. They are miraculous because they are "not supposed to happen." And the overwhelming evidence suggests that, after 4 years of wanting and trying to have a baby, there is no miracle in sight. In 4 years, I have never managed to get knocked up naturally. We got pregnant one time, on C.lomid, but it didn't stick. And, each month that passes, my already crappy eggs just get older and more geriatric. So, I am most likely one of the people on the other side of the miracle story: the ones you don't hear about. The ones for whom there IS no miracle. One of the ones that never gets her pot of gold. And, being sad, or angry, or jealous, or sorry for myself, won't change the outcome. It won't change the facts. So, then, why waste the energy feeling angry, jealous, and sorry for myself, if the outcome remains the same? Why?

I cried for a while after I got off the phone with my friend, as all these thoughts were swirling around in my head. And then, I vowed I would not let this bit of news ruin my vacation. And I didn't. Furthermore, I gave myself this cycle "off." I decided to not care (as best I could) about where I was in my cycle, what my ovaries were doing, or any of it. I did not bring along my thermometer, did not do any charting, nothing. Also, I drank wine, ate pizza, sweets, whatever I felt like. I started my mornings with my old friend coffee! I even had a cocktail at lunch, no less, one of our days out and about. Because I felt like it. Ha! I just tried to be present and enjoy myself, and my husband and my son. And it was great. There were even moments where, for the first time in a long time, I just felt "normal." I felt like Me.

And, since that day I decided to try and not care any more about my infertility (a weighty undertaking, but I'm trying) I have been repeating a few things over and over to myself. Mantras, if you will. Of course, the aforementioned, "Being upset about it, will not change the outcome. So don't be upset." "Be fluid" or, "Go with the flow." And, "What will be, will be." Also, every time I look at a pregnant woman, I think, "Some women are made to be pregnant. Some aren't. I'm one of the latter. So be it."

I'm not saying that I have reached some sort of higher ground (as you can tell if you read my last post about being in I.kea). But, it feels better than always expecting a different outcome than what I have received.

So when I was at my acupuncturist's office the other day, she asked me how my mood was. I told her it was pretty good, that I was feeling pretty relaxed after my vacation. And then, I told her about my friend. And, the conversation went something like this:

Acu: How do you feel about that? I can see it is making you weepy.
Me: Well, I wish it were me this time. But it's not. And, I'm beginning to think, it just may not happen for me.
Acu: And how do you feel about that?
Me: I just wish I could stop caring. If I could just open up my brain and remove the wiring that makes me care whether I ever get pregnant or not, then, life would be great.
Acu: What would your life look like if you could do that?
Me: Great. I could move on. I could focus on other things. I could just be a wife to my husband, and a mother to my son, and, I have this AMAZING child! We could get our life back on track, financially. We could stop living like we are on hold--in limbo.
Acu: Yeah?
Me: Yeah!
(Pause)
Me: But I'm not quite there yet.
Acu: But, I think this is how you get there. Day by day. You grieve a little, and you let a little go. And then, one day, you come out on the other side of it.
Me: I would like to get to the Other Side of this. I would like to have my life back.
Acu: Then you will.



Maybe I've had plenty of miracles, but have refused to recognize them, because I've been so caught up in my strangle-hold of trying to have a baby. For instance, is it not a miracle, that, despite the fact that my body refuses to procreate, I have here, right in front of me, a beautiful HEALTHY BABY? Is it not a miracle, that, the biological mother of this amazing child picked Mister and me, out of all the people on the frigging planet, and said, 'Here, I want to give you my Baby'?! Is not a bona fide Miracle-Surprise that we got matched with our birthmother the very first day our adoption profile went up on our agency's site? Is it not a miracle that this baby loves me, and reaches for me, yes me, when he wants his Mommy?

And, the other thing is, I'm tired. I'm exhausted from the caring about my infertility. I'm tired of wanting and not getting. I'm sick to death of the sad feelings and the jealousy and the distance I have had to put between me and my fertile friends, and, sometimes, the world. I'm so tired of giving a shit, that I could just scream. I am ready to be done. I am not quite done, I know, in my heart, but I truly want to be done. Perhaps that is the first step on my road to recovery. When I think of how life will be after I reach that elusive place of not caring about being infertile any more, it makes me very happy and hopeful. So, perhaps my focus is changing. Changing from reaching that pot of gold (pregnancy) to getting past the point where I'm even looking for it any more. To being satisfied with what I have.

Lastly, I still want to do the IUI. I feel that I must pursue, at this point, what options we have, so at least I will know that I did all that I could. I am keeping the flame of hope lit for now. However, I'm feeling (at this point) less committed to the outcome. As I see it, one of three things will happen with this IUI. 1. I'll actually get pregnant! 2. I won't get pregnant, and when it's all over, I'll really be in that place of saying, 'okay, I'm done.' and I'll move on. 3. I won't get pregnant, but we will learn some new information about my body, and how it responds to the treatment that will be encouraging enough for us to go ahead an give it another try.

I think I am ok with any of those.

Attention Pregnant Women!

It must be "Pregnant Woman Day" at I.KEA. Because, I was there today, and boy, every pregnant woman within 5 counties was there, too. Honest. So, if you're pregnant (and really, who ISN'T pregnant right now?) get yourself over to I.KEA because they must be giving something special away to all pregnant women who walk through the door. And, please, let me know what it is. I'm curious. Hope it's better than a jar of lingonberry preserves or a bag of Swedish meatballs.

Back From Vacation

I have a lot to write about; things are rolling around in my head. But for now, here's a couple of photos.

Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut

Sometimes you don't.

Up and down, up and down, goes the never-ending roller coaster of emotions surrounding my (in)fertility.

*Sigh*

Yes, I've been in the doldrums lately. And, at times, down right sad. Also despondent. A little anger and self-loathing thrown in for good measure.

I think a large part of my mental state may have to do with being totally exhausted. The wedding season is coming to an end, but, the slow-down isn't coming soon enough for me. I've been going balls-to-the-proverbial-wall for about 3 weeks straight now. (Well, six months, but the last 3 weeks in particular have been loony-toons). I'm at the point where I'm so tired, I can't sleep for crap. (Does this happen to anyone else?). Sort of an on-going cycle of sleep deprivation. Enough to make a rock-solid, emotionally stable person crack up a bit. For me, it's down-right dangerous territory.

My poor husband.

Also, I'm having a lot of anxiety regarding our upcoming (and now, postponed) IUI. We were going to do it this cycle (and I'm on cycle day 2 now, so I would have been starting the Clomid tomorrow) but we decided to wait one more cycle because as bad luck and timing would have it (natch') we'll be on vacation, with friends who are coming from out of town, next week. And, at the end of next week, we have planned a baptism for Baby Boy, with family and friends in attendance, and yes, as luck would have it, that would probably be the exact day that I would have to go in for the IUI. Too hectic. Also not fair for Baby Boy. That should be his day, with no interruptions or side-trips to the RE so Mommy can get a catheter shoved through her cervix. (As much as I enjoy the thought of that).

But the good news is: We're going on VACATION! I can not express to you how BADLY I need it. We are staying local, and renting a house up in Wine Country for a week! A divine, lovely, wine-filled week. And, I guess it's also good I'm not doing the IUI this cycle, because then I don't have to feel guilty about all the drink, and indulgent food. Or the spa treatments that could potentially include hot mud baths or some such craziness. If we were cycling, I might feel afraid or timid about participating in all of the above.

Hopefully, I'll be so relaxed and in such a good place after my vacation, that it will make my body all that much more receptive to getting pregnant when we do go forward with the IUI the following cycle. I am just a little bit bummed to have to put it on hold, though, because I was looking forward to finally attacking this problem and feeling like I'm doing something about it.

See? Up and down, up and down...silver lining, black hole, silver lining, black hole. It never ends.

It will end.

One day.

This will end. Somehow.

I've Been Schooled

Today was my IUI class.

I got up at 5:00 a.m., got dressed, woke up Baby Boy, gave him a bottle, packed his bags, and got in the car for the long drive into the City. I dropped Baby Boy off with my dear friend Susan around 7:30, and headed to the hospital for my mandatory class. The class started at 8:00 a.m.. I was early. The first one there, actually. As the rest of the people filed in, I couldn't help surreptitiously looking at each of them, and wondering about each woman or couple; how long have they been trying? What is their diagnosis? and, Will they or won't they get pregnant?

Most of the stuff in the class was pretty basic: The different kinds of cycles, (natural, Clomid, or Injectibles) procedures, risks, etc., etc.. As the nurse went through the information, I kept sneaking looks at everyone else in the class, as we were all seated around a big conference table. Maybe it was because it was early in the morning, but everyone looked sooo (what's the word?) sullen. Or were they just sleepy? One very well put together, gorgeous, blonde, young, fashionable woman (who was there with her suit-and-tie-business-man husband) had a look of down-right indignance on her face. As if to say, "why am I here? This should not be happening to ME." Granted, she looked young (too young to be 'infertile' perhaps, in her mind), and I got the sense everything else in her life had gone according to plan up until this point. I imagined her having gone to the 'right' school, belonging to the 'perfect' sorority, meeting Mr. Young Investor, and having the perfect, lavish, beautiful, stylish wedding. I imagined their perfect home and their perfect friends. Everything perfect, except for the next step. The perfect baby, at the perfect time. I felt badly for her, but I also felt, somehow, vindicated. I thought, "See? Infertility doesn't discriminate. Even the Perfects over there are susceptible." Of course, I don't wish this on anyone. It's awful. And, I also got the sense that young Mrs. Perfect was in a lot of pain over there, and holding it all together. Or, maybe I am projecting. That's totally possible. Either way, when she looked my way, I shot her a smile. A smile that hopefully read, "Hey, this sucks, huh? Good luck to you guys." Or something like that.

Everyone seemed so sad. It was like we were all there to begin a death-march. Maybe that is why I waited a year to do this. Maybe that is why we adopted first. Today, I was not sad. I was excited. I was feeling like, "This is good! We're infertile, but we're trying! We're doing something about it." I wanted to run around and hug everybody in the room and say, "Hey! It's going to be ok!!" But, maybe if I had started this a year ago, right after my diagnosis, I'd be in death-march mode. I was so depressed back then. I was in shock. I was angry and confused. I looked like a lot of those people sitting around that conference table today. Of course, I don't know how I'll feel about it as we get further into it. I am aware that there may be disappointments ahead. I am not sure how I will take those disappointments. But for now, I feel pretty good. And, I don't feel so desperate. I'm already a mom. I just want to get pregnant. I reeeally want to get pregnant. But, either way, I am a mom.

Speaking of moms. One lady came to the class with her toddler. If looks could kill, this poor lady would have probably been dead before she got to her seat. Of course she, for some reason, decided to sit next to me. Maybe it was random, or maybe she sensed on some level that I was the one person in the room who didn't want to kill her. I, having just dropped off my child with a friend, could totally understand how hard it is to be juggling motherhood, with pursuing treatment. If it weren't for my friend Susan offering to babysit (and it just so happens she lives not far from the hospital--convenient!) I might have been in the same boat. But, having spent so long being one of those people who looks at women with babies with jealousy and even anger, I would more than cringe at bringing a baby or young child into a room full of Infertiles. Yeesh. Ah well, whaddya gonna do?

The second half of the class consisted of being taught all about self-injecting. After we learned how to use all the different kinds of needles, pens, etc., the nurse asked if any of us would like to try injecting ourselves. Everyone was silent. The nurse urged, "Come on--you don't want to be sitting there at 10:00 o'clock at night the first night you have to inject yourself, and just not be able to do it because you are too scared, or because you're afraid of doing it wrong! This is your chance to do it with a nurse in the room!" Everyone was acting all sheepish and cringe-y. Finally, even though I am not doing injectibles (this time--and hopefully I won't have to, cause the Clomid cycle is going to work, right?) I raised my hand and said, "I'll do it!" (Gosh people, have some guts!) The needle was tiny, by the way. So, with the nurse watching, I stuck the darn thing in my belly (it was only filled with saline solution) and boom. It was done. I looked up, and Mrs. Perfect was staring at me like I was crazy. The mom next to me audibly cringed and turned away as I was doing it. I looked around the table, and, trying not to laugh, said, "It doesn't hurt. Really, it doesn't hurt." (Maybe I should have turned around, pulled up my shirt, shown them the big tattoo on my back, and said, "Now, THAT hurt!") Eventually, several more people decided to give it a try. And then, class was over. Everyone kept lingering a bit. I'm not sure why. But, being the first to arrive, I was also the first to leave.

I really, really hope that that will be the only time I'll have to jab myself. Not because I'm afraid of the needle, but because I'm ready for a break. Ready for something to work. It would be so incredibly wonderful if this first IUI just....worked.

And, hey, no offense to anyone out there who is afraid of needles. I understand. If the nurse had, for instance, pulled out a bag of spiders and said we had to stick our hands in there, I'd probably run out of the room as fast as my feet would carry me.

Not Sure You Want to Know, But...

My period did come early, but I eeked out a couple of more days after my last post. I wound up with a 23-day cycle, as opposed to my usual 27-28 day cycle. Distressing, but I am trying to get back on the positive thinking train, and tell myself that everyone has random weird cycles, even 20-year-old fertile women. So there.

And on to bigger things: Next month we will do our first ever IUI. I got my "packet" from my RE's office the other day, complete with lab slips for me (to get my FSH, TSH tested) and for Mister (to check his swimmers). Also in the packet is my prescription for Clo.mid. Feels a little deja vu-ish, (the Clo.mid part) but I am going with it. My RE wants to start with the Clo.mid, so I'm down. Hey, we might get lucky, right? I am opting for some extra monitoring (ultrasounds) though, to make sure we get a clear picture of how my little ovaries are responding to the drug. If I'm not getting enough good mature follicles, then I don't want to waste any time doing it again. I'd rather move right on to injectibles.

Of course, I am hoping that we get lucky with IUI either way, so we don't have to go to IVF. As y'all know, finances are an issue for us at the moment. And, if we find ourselves facing IVF, it opens a whole can of worms. Can we afford it? What do we give up in order to afford it? How many can we afford to do? How many can we afford to do if we want to have any hope of adopting again if it doesn't work? Are we willing to spend it "all" on IVF and risk not being able to adopt again if it doesn't work? How badly do we (I) want to be pregnant? Or is it more important to just to grow our family? And what about Donor Eggs? When will I give up on my own eggs? Should we just forget it all now, and wait a couple of years, when our financial situation is improved, and go strait to DE? Ugh. My little brain gets dizzy.

At any rate, I am trying to take it one step at a time. And, I am trying not to get too worked up over this first IUI. I am trying to think of it just as a fact-finding mission. Sort of like just doing more fertility testing. You know, see how I respond to the drug, see what my ovaries are doing, and get a better picture of what our options are.

I hope I can hold on to that mind-set as I'm actually going through it, and all jacked up on the hormones.