Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut

Sometimes you don't.

Up and down, up and down, goes the never-ending roller coaster of emotions surrounding my (in)fertility.


Yes, I've been in the doldrums lately. And, at times, down right sad. Also despondent. A little anger and self-loathing thrown in for good measure.

I think a large part of my mental state may have to do with being totally exhausted. The wedding season is coming to an end, but, the slow-down isn't coming soon enough for me. I've been going balls-to-the-proverbial-wall for about 3 weeks straight now. (Well, six months, but the last 3 weeks in particular have been loony-toons). I'm at the point where I'm so tired, I can't sleep for crap. (Does this happen to anyone else?). Sort of an on-going cycle of sleep deprivation. Enough to make a rock-solid, emotionally stable person crack up a bit. For me, it's down-right dangerous territory.

My poor husband.

Also, I'm having a lot of anxiety regarding our upcoming (and now, postponed) IUI. We were going to do it this cycle (and I'm on cycle day 2 now, so I would have been starting the Clomid tomorrow) but we decided to wait one more cycle because as bad luck and timing would have it (natch') we'll be on vacation, with friends who are coming from out of town, next week. And, at the end of next week, we have planned a baptism for Baby Boy, with family and friends in attendance, and yes, as luck would have it, that would probably be the exact day that I would have to go in for the IUI. Too hectic. Also not fair for Baby Boy. That should be his day, with no interruptions or side-trips to the RE so Mommy can get a catheter shoved through her cervix. (As much as I enjoy the thought of that).

But the good news is: We're going on VACATION! I can not express to you how BADLY I need it. We are staying local, and renting a house up in Wine Country for a week! A divine, lovely, wine-filled week. And, I guess it's also good I'm not doing the IUI this cycle, because then I don't have to feel guilty about all the drink, and indulgent food. Or the spa treatments that could potentially include hot mud baths or some such craziness. If we were cycling, I might feel afraid or timid about participating in all of the above.

Hopefully, I'll be so relaxed and in such a good place after my vacation, that it will make my body all that much more receptive to getting pregnant when we do go forward with the IUI the following cycle. I am just a little bit bummed to have to put it on hold, though, because I was looking forward to finally attacking this problem and feeling like I'm doing something about it.

See? Up and down, up and down...silver lining, black hole, silver lining, black hole. It never ends.

It will end.

One day.

This will end. Somehow.


Kami said...

The quickest trip to insanity is via sleep deprivation. Glad your are going on vacation soon - it sounds like you need.

GL with the IUI - whenever it happens!

fortune_cookie said...

Yum, vacation. Sounds divine. We have changed times (and keep pushing dates) for treatments, and always for good reasons. Enjoy the wine, spa treatments and time with your friends. You deserve some R&R. And don't worry, hubbies bounce back from cranky, sleep-deprived wives.