Monday, June 20, 2011

The Empty Space

I haven't really talked about it to anyone. It is far, far from everyone's mind now, and I don't really want to be a Debbie Downer. But, if my rough calculations are correct, I would be getting ready to, or would have just given birth to my baby right about now, had my ectopic actually been, well, NOT ectopic... I have been thinking a lot about that night that I at once found out I was expecting and then that it would have to end. I feel like there is this hole right now where something is missing. And even though I know with the very logical part of my mind that there is NO WAY we'd have been able to handle another baby right now--especially in light of Mister's recent job loss--I do feel a sadness and a loss. I am sad that there was a baby there--with a beating heart!--that had to be removed from my body. A baby that was real, but had to be left behind, reduced to no more than 'medical waste' in some operating room. I am grieving for that little soul, and even though I know it was not my 'fault'--I feel so sorry. I look at my baby Grace and imagine what her little baby brother or sister would be like. And I think it SUCKS that that could have possibly been the last time for me that I will be pregnant...that will be my body's last memory of pregnancy. My ugly belly scars are an every day reminder of my loss. And I am aware of the empty space inside me where part of my reproductive system is now missing. Most of the time I really try not to think about it but right now I feel like I need to sit with it and mark the loss, as the time that WOULD have been my baby's birth is coming and passing. I love

1 comment:

Just me said...

Hey lady. Sorry things are rough right now. Don't you feel like "Could we please catch a break just for a while???"

I have no helpful advice right now, but just wanted to let you know I'm still reading and thinking of you!