The Empty Space

I haven't really talked about it to anyone. It is far, far from everyone's mind now, and I don't really want to be a Debbie Downer. But, if my rough calculations are correct, I would be getting ready to, or would have just given birth to my baby right about now, had my ectopic actually been, well, NOT ectopic... I have been thinking a lot about that night that I at once found out I was expecting and then that it would have to end. I feel like there is this hole right now where something is missing. And even though I know with the very logical part of my mind that there is NO WAY we'd have been able to handle another baby right now--especially in light of Mister's recent job loss--I do feel a sadness and a loss. I am sad that there was a baby there--with a beating heart!--that had to be removed from my body. A baby that was real, but had to be left behind, reduced to no more than 'medical waste' in some operating room. I am grieving for that little soul, and even though I know it was not my 'fault'--I feel so sorry. I look at my baby Grace and imagine what her little baby brother or sister would be like. And I think it SUCKS that that could have possibly been the last time for me that I will be pregnant...that will be my body's last memory of pregnancy. My ugly belly scars are an every day reminder of my loss. And I am aware of the empty space inside me where part of my reproductive system is now missing. Most of the time I really try not to think about it but right now I feel like I need to sit with it and mark the loss, as the time that WOULD have been my baby's birth is coming and passing. I love you....baby.

Happy Father's Day, Mister!

Despite all the uncertainty and stress right now...I know we are so lucky. You are a great Dad, and we have been extremely blessed with these two beautiful children.

On a Lighter Note

Thank you, everyone for your supportive comments. Thank you, especially Shelby for the insight on how IEP's work--it really does help my anxiety levels. I guess I just feel like I had to swim through wet concrete to get where I am with this process, I worry that starting over will mean a repeat. Maybe it wouldn't be that hard the second time around. I'm sure most cities have their act together than the one I live in. Deep sigh.

We still don't have any job news. The job in SF we were hoping for didn't pan out, so now we're down to the out-of-state one. (Though Mister is still applying to some more companies nearer to home). The out-of-state company is flying him out in a couple of weeks, which seems like ages away. I try to remain as Zen-like as possible, though some days it is impossible--my body belies what is really going on deep inside and suddenly (like the other night from about 2 a.m. to 5 a.m.) I find myself in the midst of a anxiety attack. Double Deep Sigh.

But, ON A LIGHTER NOTE!

Here are some pics of my kids at our Stepping Stones class. (This is the preschool-like class where parents attend with their kids, and younger siblings are welcome.) For the first time since Grace was born, the past few weeks Handsome Man has been wanting to play with his sister. The other night I even caught him rubbing his sister's head and giving her little kisses. He can't wait to see her in the morning (he usually wakes up before everyone--and we try to keep him quiet and out of Grace's room until she wakes up.) So--despite my fears that his jealousy and anger since we brought Grace home would be life long--Handsome Man loves his sister. She has been completely enamored of him from day one, but I was worried it would never flow in the other direction. Thank you God, I think that things are going to be ok. I can't even express how much this means to me. I was raised basically as an only child (my sister being 16 years older than I and going off to college and living abroad by the time I was 2)... I always wished for a sibling, and when we adopted HM I always wanted for him to have a sibling. So, despite the many on-going challenges I am still dealing with with Handsome Man, this one thing seems to be turning around and I couldn't be happier. These two children will be in each other's lives (God willing) longer than I will be in their lives on this earth. I think having a brother or sister is such a gift. So there you go, my gratitude for this week, despite all the other s.h.i.t.!!!

Limbo Lower, Now

I have been hiding under a huge rock. I am sorry for those of you who still check on this blog or who still have an interest, that I have been seemingly unable to write. I also have been very bad about checking on my bloggie friends and so I've been really out of touch.

It seems like when one door opens, another one gets slammed in our faces...

All went well at Handsome Man's IEP meeting. (Yes, we got an official meeting). After being fully evaluated by the psychologist and speech therapist (both of whom were very thorough, pleasant, helpful and understanding) we received an Individual Education Plan for HM. He will be enrolled in a preschool that is part of the Head Start program, and his IEP allows him to have an aide (he will be among 8 students in the class that have IEP's and there are 2 aides for those kids, in addition to the teacher and teacher's aide for the class in general). Of course we are already at the end of the school year (hard to believe I started this process back in October!) so all of this will take effect at the start of the school year in September. What a huge obstacle overcome, and a huge sigh of relief on my part. Yeah.

Then the door slammed.

Mister lost his job.

This all happened about a month ago, and I have been in a huge funk ever since. Of course Mister isn't exactly happy about it either. He's been looking for work and we are still in limbo. One of our potential options for work would require us to move to another state. And that's all I can say about it right now. Which means all that hard work I did for getting the IEP gets flushed down the toilet and I have to start over. It means all my recent plans and excitement about getting back to work and making my 'comeback' and the new venture I have been planning with a new business partner...flushed down the toilet. I am completely cut off at the knees and it feels like the last several months of my life have been a total waste.

Then of course the WORST possible outcome would be Mister gets no job offers, local or in another state, and we run out of money.

I have been living in a total state of limbo for the past month and though I've been trying to stay positive and hopeful and pragmatic, it's starting to wear on me. I can't sleep well, I'm tired and cranky ALL THE TIME. I'm depressed.

It is hard feeling like you have absolutely NO control whatsoever over your own destiny, but I guess I should be used to that feeling after 6 or so years of struggling with family building. Really, why this comes as any surprise, I don't know. I guess I just thought there was finally a light at the end of the tunnel: We were out of debt, Mister's job was going great (as far as we knew), we had two children we had always wanted, I was looking ahead to new horizons on my future career path (baby #3 plans on hold--but that's another post), HM finally was going to get services and be in school, freeing me up a bit to follow some goals.... then, BLAM!

I just haven't known what to say, which is why I haven't said anything. I've been shuffling through my days waiting for good news, a sign, some indication of what's coming next so I can start planning, and preparing. But for now I am still in the extended holding pattern where I can't plan anything, not knowing whether we'll still be here come fall.