My little floral Empire is crumbling. I thought 2010 would be a rebound year, but exactly the opposite is happening. At this point in the year, I only have a tiny fraction of the number of events booked for the season that I need in order to survive. I have no money left--I've been living off of deposits through the winter and there is just nowhere to go from here. NO ONE is booking. Even if I got flurry of bookings right now it would probably be too little, too late. So, I am not able to keep the studio and all the things that go along with it in order to keep the business going. And I have no money to contribute to our personal fund (we usually require my contribution to pay all of our bills).
And we're broke, of course. The Room Project took twice as much as we expected. We're out of money. And, nothing's changed--we still have a lot of debt.
So what to do?
Well I have to close down the business, there's no way around it. But, I have booked some events, which I have to fulfill.
But we can't afford to keep Handsome Man in daycare through the summer so that I can work, let alone two kids.
Any money I make through the summer I need to put toward paying off my business credit card and socking away for taxes so that we don't wind up owing taxes for 2010 and so that at the end of the season I can walk away clean without any debt. But that means I won't be contributing much or anything to our home fund. So we have to figure out a way to live off of Mister's income....so....no daycare.
There's also the matter of where to do all these events since I won't have the studio.
And how am I going to move OUT of my studio THIS MONTH while I am 8 months pregnant.
We have to pull Handsome Man out of daycare/school immediately. This will be his last week. Then I need to move out of the studio (??). Uh, yeah.
If I can just figure out a way to make it through the next 5-6 months, then things will be ok. But, I'm a little freaked out. And, I'm sad. I mean, I've been in this business in one way or another for over 14 years--I've been running my own business for at least 8. I have become very emotionally attached to being 'The Business Owner"--"The Owner of (My Company Name)."
Especially through the years where I was failing at starting a family, was experiencing loss and sadness, I was able to pour everything into my job. While my friends all around me were having babies and bragging about their families, I at least had my business. I had the recognition and admiration that went along with it. It was all I had to pin my ego on.
Now things are different. I have a family. I have everything I've asked for. I am so blessed. But, apparently, there is a trade-off. The Universe is telling me, no--you can't really Have It All.
I am preparing to become a stay-at-home mom.
I admire and respect sahm's. Believe me. And there have been many times in the past three years when I was worn out by my job and my mothering responsibilities and wished I could just be a mom and concentrate on doing that job--better. But to now really be forced into making the decision--not just 100% out of my own desire to be at home with the kids, but by a financial crisis, and well, a failure--imposed by the economy, sure--but a failure nonetheless, it hurts. It's scary. And I'm a little freaked out.