I also sat down at my table this afternoon and went through my list of clients for 2010 and added up what I still have coming in. (Pathetic). I sat and wondered, what went wrong? I thought about years previous when I would have had tens of thousands of dollars in my checking account at this point just in deposits (vs my empty bank account as of now). *sigh*. I felt a little sorry for myself. I spent some time thinking, "I wish things were simple. I wish I could just enjoy the last weeks of this pregnancy without stressing over money, how to close my business down, moving out of my studio, etc." (Not to mention the baby's room is still not ready--but that's another story). I thought, "Why couldn't things go as planned? Why can't business be good, so HM can stay in daycare, I can keep my studio where it will be very comfortable to take the baby to work, why can't I have my business and be a success, why do we have to be so poor right now?"
Then this afternoon I had to run the mundane task of going to Cos.tco. (I am so into bargain shopping right now--trying to squeeze every penny out of our budget). With Handsome Man in tow I scanned the aisles. To keep him occupied we played silly games. We giggled and laughed and made funny faces, and I know people were looking at us. At one point he grabbed my face with both hands, brought his face to mine and gave me a big kiss. Afterward we shared an ice cream (giant non fat frozen yogurt, actually, but I'm not telling). I told him we had to share which he was not too keen on at first, but halfway through he was spoon feeding me and saying, "Yay, we're sharing!"
I thought, well, maybe this staying at home thing isn't so bad? Maybe I have something to offer my children that the daycares and programs don't. Maybe it will be ok. Maybe I won't totally suck at this.
After I loaded him into the backseat of my car, I looked back at him and the empty infant seat now secured in the backseat next to him, waiting to be filled by another little person.
I am so lucky.
I still feel a deep sadness over closing my business. I am mourning a loss, which my husband does not really seem to understand. And, like grieving any other loss, I am sure I will have my good moments and my not so good moments with it. It may be a while before I fully let it go, emotionally. But if my children grow up having happy memories of their childhoods---memories that include a mother who was there, memories that include family vacations during the summer and outings on weekends, (not so happening when you work in an industry that is busiest on weekends, and most especially May-October), then maybe there is a Greater Reason for all of this. Maybe it will all be ok.