Happy Birthday Handsome Man

My little boy is three. Whoa. He is sprouting like a little bean pole. We went to one of his favorite places today--about 30 minutes from home with a railroad and a petting zoo. Two of my friends who have little boys met us there to ride the trains, and then we went next door to a pizza place. It was chaotic and hectic with three little boys running around, but a lot of fun.

I can't believe that three years ago today we were in a hospital in Boise, Idaho waiting for him--waiting on the brink of becoming parents.

I talked to HM's birth-grandmother, "Aunt Patty" today. (And HM got on the phone with her too). She has been trying to come out for a visit but has been having a hard time getting the time off of work. She's going to try to come in the next few weeks. Of course it will still be hectic and crazy around here, with moving out of my studio, and all the baby preparations, and trying to get the house together. But I don't think she cares. She loves spending time with HM and we love seeing her.

Patty told me Eryn has been MIA lately. Crazy stuff going on that I just won't get into for the sake of minding my own business. But let's just say her current boyfriend is not much of an improvement from the way M. treated her. It makes me sad, but what can I do...

We'll be giving her a call this evening too and hopefully will get to speak with her.

Last Day of School

Today is Handsome Man's last day at school. Last day, that is, until I am hopefully able to start him in preschool in the fall. It will most likely be a parent co-op preschool. Which I know is going to be really great, but at the moment I am feeling really low. He loves his school and has thrived since he started going there and I have been crying off and on all day. We just can't afford it now.

I don't know but I think the hormones might be getting the better of me today.

In other news my baby is still breech and I am freaked.

Just a Few Things

So, I've got just a few things to do/get sorted out in the next month before baby arrives. I'm not totally stressed out or anything.

Business:

I am in the process of trying to sell off everything in my studio--all the props and such that I've collected over the years, plus the office furniture. Hoping I can make some decent money from all of it--(we need it!)--and hoping it all goes so that I don't have to move it (again!). I sent out a flyer to everyone in my address book who is "industry" folk, for a sale for the last week of March. I have some people coming this week to pre-view some stuff. Hopefully they will take stuff. The sooner the better.

My friend, T., has just bought a house in The Town Where I Live. She is hoping to get possession by April 8th. She has so very generously offered to let me use her basement space to do my existing events for 2010. So all going well, I should be able to move the things I need into her space without having to store them somewhere else in between. I am keeping a few work tables, my tools, buckets, various floral supplies, glass, and probably my cooler (until end of summer when my events are done).

I need to finish my taxes. I am waiting on some paperwork my credit card company was supposed to send, to give to my bookkeeper, so they can finish up my 2009 books, so that I can then fill out the tax packet for my cpa. UGh. I have to check on this again today.

Home:

We moved into our New Room a few weeks ago, and it is awesome. It is so cozy and nice. My husband thought of everything. Down to the his and hers reading lights installed above the headboard of our bed, complete with dimmer switches. Even though it only adds another 250 or so square feet to our tiny domicile, it makes the whole house seem so much more spacious. I love it and even though it cost us more than we planned--I'm glad we did it. I'm sure my husband is glad to be done with it--poor guy. But, someday, when the economy comes back, I know we have added a lot of value to this house. I hope.

So now we have to do the baby's room (our old bedroom). Two weekends ago my husband opened the suspect wall to check for mold. The good news is there was NO MOLD! Also no water damage. Everything was dry and the lumber looked as new as the day it was built. Which is saying a lot of a house built in the 1930's. So the mildew on the wall was a surface problem. The bad news is that my husband was a little bit aggravated about opening up a whole wall for nothing. Oh well, at least now we know, and now that that part of the wall is gone, so is the mildew. Yuk. So Mister took the opportunity of the open wall to push some insulation in (why did they not insulate houses back then?). This last weekend he replaced the drywall. Now he has to do a few coats of mud over the next few evenings. Hopefully by next weekend, I'll be able to start painting.

So I've got to:

Paint baby's room

Put together Handsome Mans's old crib (Mister will obviously be doing this.)

Move changing table and other misc. stuff over that is stored at my studio right now.

Find curtains for window AND closet system.

Get crib mattress (we're using HM's on his toddler bed).

We also need to clean up the debris from our construction that is piled up in the front yard (we look like the white trash house on the block yet again) and go to the dump. But for obvious reasons, being as overwhelmed as I am, this is at the bottom of the list. Sorry, neighbors).

Preparing for Baby:

Need to go through HM's old clothes blankets, etc., see what we have.

Wash and put away all baby clothes, blankets, bedding, etc.

Pack hospital bag

Find jammies for hospital

Find bottles, wash, store

Stock up on diapers, etc.

Clean entire house!!

Probably a million other things I am forgetting.

Oh, and this Friday will be Handsome Man's last day at daycare. So I need to do all of this stuff while watching my rambunctious 3 year old.

And I've got to figure out what we're doing next weekend for his birthday. (3 years old--OMYGOD!)

Let's just say I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

Please baby, stay in there for the full duration of your gestation. Please oh please. Mommy has a lot to do.

Breech

I had another routine appointment this morning. I saw one of the other doctors in the practice, so I missed seeing Dr. Wunnerful, but at this point they want me to see each of the other doctors at least once, since whoever is on call when I go into labor will most likely be the one that delivers my baby. I saw the doctor who's name rhymes with 'Jerk' and so we'll call him Dr. Jerk. Not just because his name rhymes, but because he is, kinda, a jerk. You see, he did not remember me but I did see him a couple of years ago. Right before we were about to start our first round of IUI's at the Infertility Clinic, I needed to get an "annual & pap." Not wanting to see the doctor I had already seen throughout my original infertility workups, and then short-lived pregnancy and miscarriage, (too afraid I'd start blubbering at the sight of her just because of the memories and what, at that time, she represented to me, emotionally), I requested Dr. Jerk do my annual. My friend B., who was pregnant at the time (via IVF) was seeing him and said she liked him and that he was very familiar with All Things Infertility, which made her more comfortable, since it had taken her a long road to get pregnant. So I thought, hey, we're doing treatments, he'll understand what's going on, he might be the right doctor for me too.

Nah.

During that exam 2 years ago, when I told him we were pursuing IUI, and that I'd been diagnosed with high FSH, he almost laughed, and said, "well, good luck with that. Your chances of success are very low."

Thanks, buddy.

(My friend B. had a bad post labor experience with him and now refuses to see him as well. So, we joke around when referring to him as Dr. Jerk.)

Today, I really wanted to remind him of who I was and how I got to where I am. He looked at my chart and noted that I'd been seeing Dr. Wunnerful exclusively.

I wanted to say it was because he believed in me, that the reason I was pregnant was most likely because of him, and my old, high fsh eggs were just fine, obviously, wouldn't you know it, thankyouverymuch.

But I didn't have the energy. After a sleepless night worrying about all of our financial and my business decisions, at 9:00 this morning I just didn't have it in me to be snarky. (Not that I would have been, really, but you know what I mean.) So I acted just like any other normal, pregnant lady, I guess....

Anyway. The baby is measuring a little small (about 32 weeks--I'm 33wks 5days?) but growing. He said not to worry it is probably just due to the fact that I am tall and lean. Either the baby is just measuring small because I am "hiding" some of it, or, hey, it's just a smaller baby.

And the baby is still breech. Which is really freaking me out because I don't want a C-Section. He acted very nonchalant about it, but hey, no one is coming after his gut with a scalpel.

Anyone who has any advice on how to turn a breech baby please let me know!!

Will see another doctor in the practice next week, just to do as I'm supposed to, and then I'll hopefully go back to my Doctor Wunnerful.

And I SO HOPE I get Dr. Wunnerful to deliver. I'm sort of afraid of how I'll feel if it's not him. Is that weird?

Can't Think of a Title...

So I had to go to the flower market this morning. I had to renew my badges and I also had to buy some flowers for a sample meeting tomorrow. I haven't been there in months as I haven't had any events since around Christmas time. As I walked through the rows of flowers, and took in the sight of all the gorgeous beautiful spring blooms, all the color and vibrance, I felt at once uplifted and also sad. Sad that this thing that has been my life, for better or worse for the past decade and a half is now coming to an end. I thought of all the people I have come to know through this industry, the friends I have made (some casual, some life-long friendships).

I also sat down at my table this afternoon and went through my list of clients for 2010 and added up what I still have coming in. (Pathetic). I sat and wondered, what went wrong? I thought about years previous when I would have had tens of thousands of dollars in my checking account at this point just in deposits (vs my empty bank account as of now). *sigh*. I felt a little sorry for myself. I spent some time thinking, "I wish things were simple. I wish I could just enjoy the last weeks of this pregnancy without stressing over money, how to close my business down, moving out of my studio, etc." (Not to mention the baby's room is still not ready--but that's another story). I thought, "Why couldn't things go as planned? Why can't business be good, so HM can stay in daycare, I can keep my studio where it will be very comfortable to take the baby to work, why can't I have my business and be a success, why do we have to be so poor right now?"

Then this afternoon I had to run the mundane task of going to Cos.tco. (I am so into bargain shopping right now--trying to squeeze every penny out of our budget). With Handsome Man in tow I scanned the aisles. To keep him occupied we played silly games. We giggled and laughed and made funny faces, and I know people were looking at us. At one point he grabbed my face with both hands, brought his face to mine and gave me a big kiss. Afterward we shared an ice cream (giant non fat frozen yogurt, actually, but I'm not telling). I told him we had to share which he was not too keen on at first, but halfway through he was spoon feeding me and saying, "Yay, we're sharing!"

I thought, well, maybe this staying at home thing isn't so bad? Maybe I have something to offer my children that the daycares and programs don't. Maybe it will be ok. Maybe I won't totally suck at this.

After I loaded him into the backseat of my car, I looked back at him and the empty infant seat now secured in the backseat next to him, waiting to be filled by another little person.

I am so lucky.

I still feel a deep sadness over closing my business. I am mourning a loss, which my husband does not really seem to understand. And, like grieving any other loss, I am sure I will have my good moments and my not so good moments with it. It may be a while before I fully let it go, emotionally. But if my children grow up having happy memories of their childhoods---memories that include a mother who was there, memories that include family vacations during the summer and outings on weekends, (not so happening when you work in an industry that is busiest on weekends, and most especially May-October), then maybe there is a Greater Reason for all of this. Maybe it will all be ok.

The Empire Crumbles

There is so much going on I don't even know what to say these days...

My little floral Empire is crumbling. I thought 2010 would be a rebound year, but exactly the opposite is happening. At this point in the year, I only have a tiny fraction of the number of events booked for the season that I need in order to survive. I have no money left--I've been living off of deposits through the winter and there is just nowhere to go from here. NO ONE is booking. Even if I got flurry of bookings right now it would probably be too little, too late. So, I am not able to keep the studio and all the things that go along with it in order to keep the business going. And I have no money to contribute to our personal fund (we usually require my contribution to pay all of our bills).

And we're broke, of course. The Room Project took twice as much as we expected. We're out of money. And, nothing's changed--we still have a lot of debt.

So what to do?

Well I have to close down the business, there's no way around it. But, I have booked some events, which I have to fulfill.

But we can't afford to keep Handsome Man in daycare through the summer so that I can work, let alone two kids.

Any money I make through the summer I need to put toward paying off my business credit card and socking away for taxes so that we don't wind up owing taxes for 2010 and so that at the end of the season I can walk away clean without any debt. But that means I won't be contributing much or anything to our home fund. So we have to figure out a way to live off of Mister's income....so....no daycare.

There's also the matter of where to do all these events since I won't have the studio.

And how am I going to move OUT of my studio THIS MONTH while I am 8 months pregnant.

Hmmm.

We have to pull Handsome Man out of daycare/school immediately. This will be his last week. Then I need to move out of the studio (??). Uh, yeah.

If I can just figure out a way to make it through the next 5-6 months, then things will be ok. But, I'm a little freaked out. And, I'm sad. I mean, I've been in this business in one way or another for over 14 years--I've been running my own business for at least 8. I have become very emotionally attached to being 'The Business Owner"--"The Owner of (My Company Name)."

Especially through the years where I was failing at starting a family, was experiencing loss and sadness, I was able to pour everything into my job. While my friends all around me were having babies and bragging about their families, I at least had my business. I had the recognition and admiration that went along with it. It was all I had to pin my ego on.

Now things are different. I have a family. I have everything I've asked for. I am so blessed. But, apparently, there is a trade-off. The Universe is telling me, no--you can't really Have It All.

I am preparing to become a stay-at-home mom.

I admire and respect sahm's. Believe me. And there have been many times in the past three years when I was worn out by my job and my mothering responsibilities and wished I could just be a mom and concentrate on doing that job--better. But to now really be forced into making the decision--not just 100% out of my own desire to be at home with the kids, but by a financial crisis, and well, a failure--imposed by the economy, sure--but a failure nonetheless, it hurts. It's scary. And I'm a little freaked out.