Monday, February 1, 2010

Really, Already?

**Disclaimer--if you are having a bad Infertility day you may want to skip this post as I wax a little poetic about the state of being pregnant.**

I'm in the third trimester. I'm rounding the corner on 29 weeks. I can hardly believe it. I feel as though the first trimester was sort of a fog. First, disbelief, then fear (that it all would end too soon), then recovering from an auto accident and dealing with trying to heal my body. It was all surreal then, as I really didn't start showing until- hmmm- maybe 14 weeks? And even then to the casual observer, you wouldn't immediately guess I was pregnant. I remember looking in the mirror and rubbing my belly--longing for the day when I would indeed really look like 'A Pregnant Lady.'

Then all of a sudden, seemingly--POP! I started to show. As I entered the second trimester I started feeling really, really, good. My body was healing well from the accident, and my first trimester nausea and fatigue disappeared.

And yet, still, I have been walking through my days in a sort of haze. Am I really pregnant? Can it be? All it takes is one look in the mirror to confirm it--but still. And even though I feel this baby moving inside of me--I think, can it be real?

And now I am in the third trimester. This pregnancy is nearing the finish line. Even if (God forbid) I went into labor now, I know that I am at the point in this pregnancy where there is a good chance my baby would survive. Wow. Baby. Real, live, baby. Mister and I are taking a childbirth class next Saturday. I'm getting anxious to start decorating the baby's room (on hold until our little construction project is finished--more on that later). I'm starting to think about who is going to come help me when the baby arrives and how I'll manage breast feeding. The nesting urge is seriously setting in.

I'm starting to realize, not only am I indeed pregnant--I'm going to have a baby. In less than 3 months.

Holy crap!

I'm not ready for the pregnancy part to be over though. I'm actually not anxiously waiting for D-day. At this point, I'd be happy for the pregnancy part to keep going for a while longer. I know what it's like to have a brand-new baby to take care of. And I know what the challenges and rewards look like in that area. But this pregnancy experience is a whole new world for me. Being pregnant is the realization of a long-held dream.

I guess, with infertility, the goal went from having a baby, to just getting pregnant. And now, I'm having to shift my thinking again back to having a baby... if that makes sense.

And, while I am mentally starting to prepare for Baby's arrival, I'm a little sad, because I am loving being pregnant. I am feeling so blessed (and though I'm getting really tired again, and a little achey now and then) I feel amazing. I feel.....Fertile. Awesome. Powerful. Confident. Beautiful. Blessed. And there's a part of me that doesn't want it to end so soon.


Kami said...

I was just thinking last night how I am anxious for this baby to come so I know he/she is alive and healthy (hopefully!) and so I can start getting my body back (Lordy, I have put on the pounds!). And then I immediately thought that I am also not ready for the pregnancy to end because I know I will never experience another one.

I guess we just enjoy it while we can.

Char said...

I am just so friggin happy for you right now, Frenchie!!! You so deserve to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy. Enjoy it, my friend! Sending warm wishes your way x

s.e. said...

With full grace, it is clear you are in the moment and will never forget this special time. Each little flutter will stay with you always. Don't be worried about that.

Just believe that finally your wish came true. So happy for you!