Sunday, April 29, 2007

Baby Shower for an Infertile Woman

Today I had my first ever baby shower--in my honor. A friend of mine, a fellow Infertile, threw me this lovely party. It was a very civilized affair at a tea room not far from where I live. Now, I used to be a person with A LOT of friends. But, aside from myself (and baby boy) and my friend, B., the host, only 3 people showed up. The friends who did show were either fellow Infertiles or those with no kids and not yet ttc (not married or just not 'there' yet). There are a few reasons for all of this, as I see it:

1. I have totally isolated myself over the past couple of years during my Infertility struggles. By either just being too depressed to socialize, or just not being able to "deal" with seeing all my Fertile friends (and their babies and/or pregnant bellies) I have lost touch with a lot of really great people.

2. Some friends who have been alienated felt hurt by finding out about my adoption through an invitation they received in the mail, and so, I guess, decided to sit this one out.

3. Some friends probably feel that since I have not been able to engage in THEIR lives by attending their baby showers, kids' birthday parties, etc., over the past couple of years, why should they come to mine?

4. Most of the ladies present today are folks I in one way or another met through my work. Which means, I spend more time working than doing anything else. What can I say? I like my job, my business is successful, and it has also been a GREAT diversion these past few years. Also, my job has provided a good excuse for not attending all those baby showers/birthday parties/etc.. (I work in the event business, so I work A LOT of weekends!)

5. There was a horrific accident on the Bay Bridge this morning which F***ed up traffic and prevented one of my friends from the City from coming out to the hinterlands where I now live.

6. And, there were some friends, who I have totally lost touch with--and I was just too embarrassed to even invite them. Friends who have been very busy having babies, that I have just dropped all contact with, since we got the BAD NEWS last August. I never sent them baby gifts, or cards, or even picked up the phone when I knew it was time for their babies to arrive. Let alone pick up the phone and tell them about all my struggles.

So, I am I hurt by the low turn-out? I'm not sure. I guess it's not really fair to be mad at people for not coming to my fete when I have been totally out of touch with them (or very nearly so) or have just been a complete flake/weirdo/headcase in general for 3 years. There is this thing called reciprocation. What you put out comes back to you. So, I am getting back what I have put out. But, on the other hand, I don't feel guilty. I feel badly--I wish it were different. I wish I were the type of person who could totally overcome her negative feelings and attend every friend's baby shower with gusto and big smiles. But I'm not. I'm a fragile, envious, hurt Infertile. And I needed to self-protect. So I am neither mad at my friends for not showing up to my party, nor am I mad at myself for making it that way through my actions. I forgive myself. I hope, in time, my Fertile friends will forgive me as well.

I am, however, deeply touched and amazed by the generosity of people like my friend B.~ who threw me this party. In the midst of her own struggles with IF. In the throes of another IVF cycle and injections, mood-swings, hormones, yadda yadda. She is really, truly so happy for me and wanted to do this for me. So, no matter how jealous (beacause I am obviously evil) I might be (as well as extremely happy) when an IVF takes, and she gets pregnant, (and I know it will happen) I am definitely showing up and attending HER baby shower. We fertility-challenged gals got to stick together.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with your reasons. I'm going threw infertility treatments too. I find myself losing total contact with people. If they don't call me then I do not call them. I wish I could deal with it better too, but I just need to get threw this difficult time. I understand and I'm thankful you shared your story-I'll learn from it. Thank you. I think you did the best you could for that time.