I'm Still Here

I'm still here. Sorry about the last vitriolic post. I was upset. Obviously. I'm still not happy about the current situation, but... there it is. I took a bit of a break from my heavy-duty blogging so sorry to all my bloggie friends for not checking in and commenting as often as I normally do, but it was actually a good thing. I think. I mean, when I'm trolling around the blogs in our little (big) Infertility/Pregnancy loss world, it seems like many of my buds are in treatment. And many of you, hopefully all of you, will be pregnant soon (if not already). Even though going through treatment is rough, believe it or not, I'm actually jealous of those of you able to be able to DO something. I know that sounds totally insane--and it probably is. (This whole IF thing is insane, no?) But as I sit here on the bench, not able to play in the game, it's just, well--depressing. It helps if I'm not constantly comparing myself to everyone else: She's older than me, she's younger than me, she's doing IVF, she got pregnant from an IUI, she's doing this, she's doing that, blah, blah, blah....! It's crazy-making. My brain just runs on and on and never shuts up. (Did I mention I'm insane? Yeah. It's stupid.)

So, it's not you--it's me.

I was going to wait to post until I had something to actually report, but not much is happening. But, if I still have any readers who are interested, here's what's happening.

Mister started his new job. He likes working there--but things are crazy right now, and he rarely gets home before 8 p.m. It's hard.

I am furiously trying to get my sh*t together for my trip to St. Thomas! I'm having a hard time finding a way to get my flowers shipped. In the olden days (pre-9/11) I could just have my local broker at the SF Flower Market pack up all my flowers and ship everything for me overnight on F.ed E.x. Now, with all the crazy homeland security stuff, customs can hold things up so long that F.ed E.x no longer ships flowers overseas. (Flowers are perishable, after all, and if they sit in customs for 3 days, well, they're dead, and the customer is very unhappy). So anyway, I'm looking into other options, and I won't bore you with the details, but one way or another, I will get flowers to the island (we're talking A LOT of flowers) and this event will happen. I hope to have time to post from there and let you guys know about all the crazy antics and hilarity that is sure to ensue.

Sometimes it strikes me that I have the weirdest job in the world.

Anyway...

On the financial front, things are still dicey. I had to file an extension with the IRS because Handsome Man does not have a SSN yet. (I guess I'm stupid but I didn't realize babies had to have SSN's. Now I know.) So, filed an extension, made a partial payment (all that I could do) and after I get through this St. Thomas event, I'll get back on the ball with my CPA and see what we can do. She's really great and I know she will do her best to find any deductions for us she can, but I owe, no matter what. As for that product that Mister and his FORMER! (thank goodness) business partner were going to possibly sell, it goes something like this: It needs some more work to be ready to sell. I do not understand completely but as Mister explains it, is is the type of thing that his former business partner (let's call him Joe) needs to work on. Joe, however, states he doesn't feel like working on it. Why? It would require him to do like 10 hours of work "for free." He doesn't feel like doing any work he's not getting paid for. You may be asking, but wouldn't it be worth it to be able to ultimately sell it and get rid of a huge chunk or maybe even all of the debt leftover from your business? That's what I said. Mister is exasperated, but doesn't feel like arguing with Joe any more. He pushed and prodded and argued with Joe for 3 years, and he is done, with a capital D. So, we're trying to look ahead and not behind, at least Mister won't have to deal with Joe anymore.

Our new health insurance kicks in tomorrow, so I'll be looking into finding a new gyno--and checking out if I can get a lap covered. At least I can do that. I've heard of lots of people who have had endo removed and were able to get pregnant. Now, I don't know if I have endo, but would like to at least rule it out. Makes sense, no? We shall see.

So, don't know what else to report. I'm just hoping we get a windfall of cash from somewhere, and can get back on track.

In other, happier, more inspiring news: If you have the time or the inclination, go over and wish my friend Char a hearty congratulations on her adoption news, (and please remind her to breathe) as she has just recently found out that she will soon be the proud mother of a baby to be born in a matter of weeks. She has waited for this for a long time for this and I am so happy for her!

Down....and Out.

I give up. Uncle. I fold. Throwing in the towel. I surrender.

It seems like I can't catch a break. I found out from my CPA that I owe a shit-ton of money to Uncle Sam. Just when I thought we were turning a corner, I am punched in the gut again. Shit. Shit. Shit. I mean A LOT of money. So, I guess I made a lot of money last year, huh? Yes, I did. Though I have nothing in my bank to show for it now. Where did all the money go? Oh, I don't know, let's review: Adoption expenses--cha-ching! Medical expenses--cha-ching! You know how I told you I have the world's crappiest self-pay insurance that covers bubkiss? Well, when you have an infant, you go to the doctor a lot. And that's if the baby is healthy. Thankfully, our son has been very healthy, but you still have to go to a lot of doctor appointments. And, we've had our fair share of colds, flu, vomiting, diarrhea, rashes, and fevers, to boot. Also one very expensive trip to the emergency room which turned out to be for nervous-new-parent disease, but there ya go. Also, our premiums for said crappy health insurance DOUBLED last year. Yes, doubled. Why? I turned 35--hooray! And we added the baby to the plan. Cha-ching! Child care--Cha-ching! I don't know but all the money I made last year got burned up, and now I can't pay the tax bill. I should have made estimated payments, but we seemed to need all of my income--and we thought the adoption tax credit would alleviate my liability. Nope. It helped, but not enough. Now, normally, at this time of year, I am sitting on a big stack of deposits for upcoming weddings, and while it would still suck to have to pay this enormous tax bill, at least I'd be able to do it. Not so this year. Thanks to the recession, or God only knows what, this year is looking L-E-A-N. I mean, this is like the slowest year since I started this damn business. So, I have very little in the coffers to pay toward this tax bill. So, I will be incurring yet another debt: monthly payments to the IRS to pay off my tax bill for the next God knows how long.

Just when I was starting to get up, just when I was starting to see the light, POW! Back in the dirt.

What this really all means is that we are still destined to be broke for a while. And, that means that fertility treatments just became an even dimmer glimmer of hope, waaaaay further off in the distance. I was sorta hoping that maybe, by the end of this year, we'd be able to start talking, thinking and planning something....maybe even be able to go back to doing some IUI's. Now, forget it. I can't afford to go grocery shopping let alone schedule an IUI. And IVF? Un-uh.

So, this is it. I am getting the message here that the Universe is against me ever seeing my dreams fulfilled. I work and I work and it does nothing and goes nowhere. I feel like everything I touch turns to disaster.

If we can't do IVF in the next couple of years, then we might as well just forget it. And don't say DONOR EGGS to me, I'm not ready to talk about it now. I just feel like I've GOT to give my eggs a try before we go that route or I'll spend the rest of my life wondering what if.... But, I'm 36 already, so it's not looking good. (Meanwhile women my age and older are having babies all around me, but this is ME we're talking about. One failed pregnancy in 4 years of trying? Yeah.)

I just feel so fucking hopeless right now, and totally beat into submission. I have been trying and trying to stay so positive, but I am finding it very fucking hard to see the silver lining right now.

Oh, to add insult to injury, some dude vandalized my work van a couple of weeks ago. He carved FUCK YOU into the side of my van. He was totally crazy or on drugs--I've never seen him before in my life--but he did it right out in the open, while I was standing a few feet away in my office with the door open. Maybe he was channeling a message straight from the Universe to me: FUCK YOU. That's how it feels right now.

I always SWORE I would not raise an only child. I was an only child. I have a sister but there is such an age difference between us, that she was off to college, abroad, by the time I was 2. She continued to live abroad (married and had children) until she returned to the states when I was 13. IT SUCKED. I always dreamed of having a little sister to play with and take care of, or of having a big brother to stick up for me on the playground. It was lonely. But, it's looking more and more like Handsome Man will be an only child, I guess.

THIS SUCKS!!!!!! I am so angry right now. But I am so sick of fighting. It's like constantly swimming against the current. It's exhausting. I feel like sysiphus.

So, I'm out. I'm out of the game, at least for a while. I'm waiting on a miracle. A very huge, sweeping, unbelievable miracle. That seems to be my only hope. I don't know if I will feel like posting for a while, and I'm sorry if I don't comment as much. It's hard for me not only to see all the pregnant women around me in real life, but also difficult as blogger friend after blogger friend falls pregnant. And I am so happy for those of you that do. Anyone who fights this IF battle and wins deserves every minute of happiness. But, right now, instead of seeing it as something hopeful that I might one day attain, it just feels like more mockery. Everywhere I go big pregnant bellies mock me. At the grocery store. At the bank. At the flower market. That's the hard one. Seeing these women walking around the flower market with their big, bulging bellies, picking out flowers, lah-de-dah. That was my dream. That was my life that I envisioned. That's me--only it's not me. It hurts, deep. So, it feels like I am the butt of some big universal joke on a daily basis. And on a good day, I can manage to chuckle at it, too. But not today.

Nothing Exciting, But Here It Is...

I haven't felt much like posting lately. Probably because I don't have a whole lot to say. But, here's a bit of what's going on around here....

Mister started his new job yesterday. This is very exciting, of course. Unfortunately, it will be more long days as he is coming in to the company in the midst of many projects that need a lot of work done in a short amount of time. But, it's all good. This will give him an opportunity to prove how awesome and invaluable he is, right?

The bad news is that he had to walk away from his business partnership with outstanding debt still hanging over his head. His former business partner is wrapping up some of their projects--and once they are completed, we will know how much debt is left. My hubby has agreed to pay 50% of what is left over. Of course. And, since we don't have buckets of money laying around, he'll be making monthly payments toward the debt. So, even though he will be making more money, it won't feel like it so much, until that debt is paid off. *sigh* It seems like we're always moving one step forward and 50 steps back. Ya know?

Potential good news: Apparently, some other company is interested in buying one of the products that my husband and his business partner were developing. This is a BIG IF...but...if they look at it and decide to buy it, it MIGHT be enough to pay off the outstanding debt. This of course, would be a major answer to prayer. So, send up a prayer for us, will ya? Thanks.

Other than that it's pretty boring stuff around here. For some reason I seem to have wicked allergies this year, and I'm walking around in a nose-drippy, throat-scratchy fog 90% of the time, so I'm feeling neither productive or creative. I managed to finally get all of my tax stuff off to our CPA which is a big relief. I'm keeping my fingers crossed big time that I don't owe anything. Yeesh. But, it's good to have the monkey off my back. It took me forever to get all that sh%t together. Not fun. (Ah, the glamorous side of running your own business--blecch.)

See--nothing exciting, or creative from me right now. Sorry.

Thanks to everyone who sent me your sweet, loving, supportive comments last week. It meant so much. You guys are the best. I just wish we could all get together right here in my living room in real life and eat chocolate and drink wine. Wanna? I did finally talk to T., and everything is fine. Her baby came early, but all is well. She has just been (understandably) preoccupied and has taken a while to get back to me.

xox

A Foolish Day

I woke up this morning feeling tired and a little despondent.

I tried to shake it off with a chai, but it's like I couldn't get out of a fog.

I had been dreaming all night of a little baby girl. I was holding her, changing her diapers, and breast feeding her.

I have been so numb and sluggish all day and just wondering what is wrong with me. Am I getting sick? What is going on? I had an appointment with my chiropractor this morning and thought I would feel better after that. I didn't. I just wanted to go to sleep. But can't sleep.

And I just figured it out.

I looked at the date. April 1st.

Two years ago today I was told the baby inside me was not growing and that my pregnancy was not viable. Yeah. I was an April Fool.

On another note, today my friend T.'s baby is due. I have called her several times in the past few weeks, but she has not returned my calls. I think she is probably mad at me because I have not really been there for her during most of her pregnancy. Anyway, I hope she and the baby are okay. I am sure that they are.

I'm just sad today. Tomorrow will be better.