If You Have Nothing Nice to Say...

...then don't say anything at all. That's what they always tell you growing up, right? Well, I've been upholding that little rule, which is why I haven't posted in a while. Really, who wants to hear me whine (and whine, and whine) about my current state? I'd hate for you all to start thinking, "That Frenchie, what a downer!" But, just so's you don't think I've fallen off the face of the earth, here's an update:

1. Germs.
It has been a real germ factory around here. Baby Boy picked something up a couple of weeks ago, which started as a mild cough and moved into big-time snot territory, and then progressed to a high fever for 3 days in a row. I noticed his fever a week ago, Thursday, when I picked him up from daycare, and could tell he was feeling rotten. I was shocked when I got home and took his temp that it was 103! Long story short, (or long?) I had to keep him home from daycare the following day, make a Dr.'s appointment and take him to work with me in the meantime. Not to mention I had 2 weddings to produce for last weekend, and I was struck by the horrible virus myself. The weekend was long and phlegmy, with BB and I both hacking and sneezing away. Luckily the doctor affirmed it was just a virus (no ear infections, bronchitis, or anything else scary) and I continued with a regimen of lots of love, and baby motrin every 6-8 hours. By this past Tuesday he was able to go back to daycare (ps all the kids in daycare are cycling through this particular cold, as well as the daycare provider) although he still has a gooey-runny nose and a bit of a cough even now. Mister has been fighting something for weeks, and was especially run down right around the time of my birthday and Valentine's day, and now has succumbed to The Virus, hacking away all through the night last night. So, we're all just plucking along here at a somewhat reduced pace.

2. Money.
This has been the hot topic around my house lately, and not a pleasant one. We have had a lot of long talks about our current situation (bad) and how we need to get out of it. Yeah. Unfortunately, we've overspent in huge amounts in the past few years: Home improvements (much needed), infertility testing (insurance covered zip), therapy for me and couple's counseling after our miscarriage, lots of overspending on vacations and various retail therapy moments to try to improve our collective moods, and finally, a very expensive (although well worth it of course) private domestic adoption. (And living out of a hotel room and eating restaurant food for 2 weeks while we were in Boise for BB's birth, and while waiting for our ICPC to come through). All of this as 2 self-employed people, which means our incomes fluctuate, and we live in one of the most expensive places on earth. (Not our actual city per se, but the Bay Area in general).

3. Despair.
With our current financial situation looking grim, and what is looking like a slow year ahead for my business (thank you, recession) there is no money, anywhere, for fertility treatments. We need to triage our situation and first, find ways to cut our costs and stop spending more than we earn, (not that we're extravagant spenders, but see #2 to understand that we now have an enormous amount of debt to pay off). Then we have to aggressively start working on paying down our debt. Right now thanks to the housing market taking a dive, we owe more on our house than it is worth, so there is no hope of refinancing or even, as a last resort, selling our home. We're fucked, people. And my eggs aren't getting any younger. By the time we have money again to do any fertility treatments, it might be too late.

4. Jealousy.
My former nanny (who happens to live directly across the street from me) is getting bigger and bigger. (I've been spending a lot of time with my curtains drawn). My friend who became miraculously pregnant after stopping ttc, at age 42 (and who then went on to complain to me about her rotten luck/bad timing/wasn't how they planned--while I was going through IUI #1--ugh) is rapidly approaching her due date. My formerly infertile friend, B., who you may recall got pregnant from her first IVF (and I'm happy for her--for reals) just had her baby, and I was sent a group email from her SIL regaling us with ALL the details of the labor and delivery and even the first breast-feeding session. My former intern who is like 17 or 18 and has no high school diploma or GED, and who's boyfriend is a total loser, just had her baby shower (thankfully, I was not invited). I see her mother sometimes around town (she works in the local deli) and she goes on and on about the baby, like her daughter being pregnant is the best thing in the world. Shall I go on? I can't escape it. I want to scream, I want to rip my eyes out, I want to do serious damage (to what, I'm not sure, but I'd really like to rip something apart).

Self-Loathing.
I just generally feel like shit about myself right now. I feel/look old, I'm frumpy (hey, no cash for a trip to the hair salon!) barren!, useless, can't make enough money to save our family from this financial disaster, and I just basically feel like I suck 100% of the time. There. Sorry, that sounds so melodramatic, but that's how I'm feeling right now. Obviously, I'm depressed. I may have to reevaluate the antidepressants. They haven't worked great previously, but perhaps I should try yet another type. I don't know. I do know they are only a part of the answer, not a "magic pill."

Silver Lining.
It's hard to see one right now. But, I have my family and I love them intensely. I have this community that truly seems to care. And, I'm hoping and praying that there is a Greater Plan behind all of this. I don't know, but I am clinging to that hope right now.

So, now, are you saying, "That Frenchie, she's such a downer!"? I thought so. I am sorry. Thanks for listening.