So Well Said

If you haven't already, please hop over to Mel's blog and read this post. I will be emailing it to everyone I know.

Wham, Bam, Thank You, Ma'am

Well, the IUI was so quick! I don't know what I was expecting--like some sort of ritual would ensue after I was inseminated or some such nonsense. I guess there's really not much to it. I swear, from the time I got my feet in the stirrups, to the time the doc was wishing me good luck and heading out the door, had to be, no more than 2 minutes. Tops.

It was about as uncomfortable or painful as I expected. I'm still feeling slightly "twingey" but wouldn't put it in the same category as say, menstrual cramps.

The good news is that Mister's--er, contribution was glorious: plenty of 'em, and fast-moving. So, now I am just envisioning all these rock-star sperm, hanging out with my two Amazonian, Lucy La.wless-type eggs, just having a party in my, um, fertile crescent.

The doc was the same woman as yesterday--not my real RE. But, I guess they have the doc of the day do the simple procedures. Fair enough. Also, I never asked for my bloodwork results. I figured if my FSH was super high, it would bum me out, and I need to be as positive as possible right now. No news is good news at this point.

Here I go into the 2WW!

The Update

So, all went well today with the ultrasound! Righty: one 28mm one 16mm, Lefty: one 25 mm. And, I'm about ready to pop. Doc said that the two 20 somethings are really big--and that the "lil guy" probably won't catch up in time but the big guys are definitely ready to go. I asked if this means I responded well to the Clom.id, and she told me this was really good.

IUI scheduled for tomorrow (Wednesday) at high noon!

Now, I'm just hoping these over-acheiving eggies don't pop out too soon! Hang on guys!!

Nervous

I'm going in for my day 11 ultrasound today, to see what my lil' ovaries are up to. I am very nervous. I'll also be getting the results from my last round of blood work. I am hoping to see ovaries full of ripening follicles!

Appointment is at 2:15--I'll update when I get back!

Thanksgiving

I woke up feeling pretty low today. Truth is, I've been in a bit of a funk these past few days. I guess the nanny pregnancy news hit me pretty hard. It's like I used up all my positive thinking and suck-it-up-ness on my friend Tina's (miracle at 42) pregnancy news. So, the nanny thing came out of nowhere and just hit me upside the head like a sack full of bricks. Also, I think the Clo.mid might be getting to me. Not really sure...

That said, I really DON'T want to feel down today. I love Thanksgiving. I am excited to go to my sister's house today, and visit, and cook, and laugh. I am so happy that this year there is a child in our family to share this holiday with. I love celebrating all BB's "first" things: First Halloween, First Thanksgiving, and, I'm really looking forward to First Christmas.

So, in the spirit of today's holiday, here's what I'm giving thanks for today:
My son. (Hooray!!)
My husband.
My cats.
My dog.
Our home (be it ever soooo humble) :0)
My family.
My health.

and...

YOU. Finding this on-line community of amazing women who are facing the battle of IF, and hearing all your stories, and receiving so much support, has meant the world to me. So, I'm thankful for you.

Past the Lips, and Over the Gums

...look out ovaries, here it comes!

100 mg Clomid, cycle days 2-6.

Took my first dose today.

All aboard for IUI #1.

I Can't Take it Any More

The Nanny is pregnant.

I am not handling this one well.

So much for not caring...I'm trying.

Fertility Aside...

Fertility and procreation, obviously, are not my strong-suits.

But, I have let that rule how I have felt about myself entirely--for too long. When I think about myself, it's all I think about. When I look at myself it is all that I see.

It's time for the evil reign of Infertility to loosen its grip on me.

I have many other gifts. And, have had many other accomplishments in my life (other than bearing children). Here is what I am able to come up with right now. I hope to keep adding to the list.

- I have a way with animals. Don't know why or how exactly, but they seem to be at ease around me.

- I have a beautiful singing voice. (IMHO)

- I'm a pretty darn good cook. (When I feel like it).

- I am a very talented floral designer. I have made hundreds of Brides (among other people) very happy, as a result of my talent. Also, my work has been featured on two wedding-related cable tv shows, and in probably 10 or more magazines.

- I make a mean cocktail.

- I have a quick, and sometimes kooky, sense of humor. I can make people laugh.

- For some reason, my son's birth-mother saw some quality in me (and Mister) that she thought was unique and special and good and real enough to entrust the life of her child--FOREVER--to us.

- I think I am doing a pretty darn good job (so far) of being a mom. I'd like to think so, at least.

So, fertility aside, I've got some pretty good abilities, wouldn't you say? You could even say I've been blessed.

Now, if I can just convince myself of that on a daily basis!

The Elusive Miracle-Surprise

Another friend of mine is pregnant.

I found out as Mister and I were excitedly driving out of town on the way to our first day of vacation. My cell phone rang, and, I was delighted to see my old friend's number. So I answered. And she told me the news. After I hung up, Mister said he was very proud of me, because I did such a good job sounding excited and happy for my friend. To which I replied, "Well, I'm a very good actor." But, the truth was, I am happy and excited for her. And jealous and crushed. Simultaneously. This friend of mine is a bit older than me. (42). She had her first child 4 years ago, and though they struggled for about a year and a half to conceive (natural conception) they had no other issues. Due to my friend's age, she and her husband figured they'd better jump right back on the train and try for number 2 right away. So, for the past 4 years or so, they've been trying to conceive. ART is not for them, and so, after 4 years, and after celebrating another birthday, she figured it was over. She totally moved on. She gave away all the baby stuff she'd been hanging on to (high chairs, clothes, toys, etc.) some of which I was the happy recipient. She told me, the last time I saw her, that she and her husband knew they would just be a family of 3, and that was fine. Done. Moving on. Next topic.

Then, Blam! Pregnant. A total miracle-surprise.

There have been a lot of these miracle-surprises happening lately. There have been several recently out in the blogosphere that I am aware of. And, there's all the second-hand stories I hear everywhere. (Some one's friend's-sister, who only had one ovary, tried for 5 years, yadda, yadda, yadda.) I have heard so many of these miracle tales over the past 3-4 years that I honestly assumed that eventually, one day, MY miracle-surprise would happen. It is what has kept the flame of hope alive through all of the bad news and evidence to the contrary I've received, that one day, it would happen.

So the overwhelming feeling I had when I hung up the phone was, "Where's MY miracle?"

And the following answer my mind and heart came up with was this. Maybe there is no miracle in store for me. Miracles are miracles because they don't happen every day, or to everyone. They are miraculous because they are "not supposed to happen." And the overwhelming evidence suggests that, after 4 years of wanting and trying to have a baby, there is no miracle in sight. In 4 years, I have never managed to get knocked up naturally. We got pregnant one time, on C.lomid, but it didn't stick. And, each month that passes, my already crappy eggs just get older and more geriatric. So, I am most likely one of the people on the other side of the miracle story: the ones you don't hear about. The ones for whom there IS no miracle. One of the ones that never gets her pot of gold. And, being sad, or angry, or jealous, or sorry for myself, won't change the outcome. It won't change the facts. So, then, why waste the energy feeling angry, jealous, and sorry for myself, if the outcome remains the same? Why?

I cried for a while after I got off the phone with my friend, as all these thoughts were swirling around in my head. And then, I vowed I would not let this bit of news ruin my vacation. And I didn't. Furthermore, I gave myself this cycle "off." I decided to not care (as best I could) about where I was in my cycle, what my ovaries were doing, or any of it. I did not bring along my thermometer, did not do any charting, nothing. Also, I drank wine, ate pizza, sweets, whatever I felt like. I started my mornings with my old friend coffee! I even had a cocktail at lunch, no less, one of our days out and about. Because I felt like it. Ha! I just tried to be present and enjoy myself, and my husband and my son. And it was great. There were even moments where, for the first time in a long time, I just felt "normal." I felt like Me.

And, since that day I decided to try and not care any more about my infertility (a weighty undertaking, but I'm trying) I have been repeating a few things over and over to myself. Mantras, if you will. Of course, the aforementioned, "Being upset about it, will not change the outcome. So don't be upset." "Be fluid" or, "Go with the flow." And, "What will be, will be." Also, every time I look at a pregnant woman, I think, "Some women are made to be pregnant. Some aren't. I'm one of the latter. So be it."

I'm not saying that I have reached some sort of higher ground (as you can tell if you read my last post about being in I.kea). But, it feels better than always expecting a different outcome than what I have received.

So when I was at my acupuncturist's office the other day, she asked me how my mood was. I told her it was pretty good, that I was feeling pretty relaxed after my vacation. And then, I told her about my friend. And, the conversation went something like this:

Acu: How do you feel about that? I can see it is making you weepy.
Me: Well, I wish it were me this time. But it's not. And, I'm beginning to think, it just may not happen for me.
Acu: And how do you feel about that?
Me: I just wish I could stop caring. If I could just open up my brain and remove the wiring that makes me care whether I ever get pregnant or not, then, life would be great.
Acu: What would your life look like if you could do that?
Me: Great. I could move on. I could focus on other things. I could just be a wife to my husband, and a mother to my son, and, I have this AMAZING child! We could get our life back on track, financially. We could stop living like we are on hold--in limbo.
Acu: Yeah?
Me: Yeah!
(Pause)
Me: But I'm not quite there yet.
Acu: But, I think this is how you get there. Day by day. You grieve a little, and you let a little go. And then, one day, you come out on the other side of it.
Me: I would like to get to the Other Side of this. I would like to have my life back.
Acu: Then you will.



Maybe I've had plenty of miracles, but have refused to recognize them, because I've been so caught up in my strangle-hold of trying to have a baby. For instance, is it not a miracle, that, despite the fact that my body refuses to procreate, I have here, right in front of me, a beautiful HEALTHY BABY? Is it not a miracle, that, the biological mother of this amazing child picked Mister and me, out of all the people on the frigging planet, and said, 'Here, I want to give you my Baby'?! Is not a bona fide Miracle-Surprise that we got matched with our birthmother the very first day our adoption profile went up on our agency's site? Is it not a miracle that this baby loves me, and reaches for me, yes me, when he wants his Mommy?

And, the other thing is, I'm tired. I'm exhausted from the caring about my infertility. I'm tired of wanting and not getting. I'm sick to death of the sad feelings and the jealousy and the distance I have had to put between me and my fertile friends, and, sometimes, the world. I'm so tired of giving a shit, that I could just scream. I am ready to be done. I am not quite done, I know, in my heart, but I truly want to be done. Perhaps that is the first step on my road to recovery. When I think of how life will be after I reach that elusive place of not caring about being infertile any more, it makes me very happy and hopeful. So, perhaps my focus is changing. Changing from reaching that pot of gold (pregnancy) to getting past the point where I'm even looking for it any more. To being satisfied with what I have.

Lastly, I still want to do the IUI. I feel that I must pursue, at this point, what options we have, so at least I will know that I did all that I could. I am keeping the flame of hope lit for now. However, I'm feeling (at this point) less committed to the outcome. As I see it, one of three things will happen with this IUI. 1. I'll actually get pregnant! 2. I won't get pregnant, and when it's all over, I'll really be in that place of saying, 'okay, I'm done.' and I'll move on. 3. I won't get pregnant, but we will learn some new information about my body, and how it responds to the treatment that will be encouraging enough for us to go ahead an give it another try.

I think I am ok with any of those.

Attention Pregnant Women!

It must be "Pregnant Woman Day" at I.KEA. Because, I was there today, and boy, every pregnant woman within 5 counties was there, too. Honest. So, if you're pregnant (and really, who ISN'T pregnant right now?) get yourself over to I.KEA because they must be giving something special away to all pregnant women who walk through the door. And, please, let me know what it is. I'm curious. Hope it's better than a jar of lingonberry preserves or a bag of Swedish meatballs.

Back From Vacation

I have a lot to write about; things are rolling around in my head. But for now, here's a couple of photos.