Today is the day that infertile women meet with some (or a lot of) dread. Even though, officially, I am celebrating my first Mother's Day, I am acutely aware of all my infertile friends out there (those whom I know personally, and those I don't know) who are not celebrating so much. I remember last Mother's Day, which was one short month after my miscarriage, and how incredibly hard it was. And, how, even now, one year later, the memory stings. And, though I know I should be celebrating--(and I am)--there is a part of me that still feels a blush of sadness.
There is a part of me that can't help feeling a little bit like an "impostor". I jokingly (and sort of not jokingly) said to Mister earlier today, that I'm really not a "mother" yet--that actually, I am still (as far as the laws of this state are concerned) baby boy's "legal guardian." So, is there a Legal Guardian's Day? (The adoption won't be officially official until we complete our 4 post-placement visits with our social worker, and the courts have processed all the remaining paperwork and issue us baby boy's "new" birth certificate. But, let's not split hairs. I am his mother, and it is amazing. And surreal.
So, I am thinking of all my infertile sisters out there who so desperately want to become mothers, and who are working very hard, and enduring so much to make it happen. To them, I want to say this. You are Mothers. Though you are not yet holding your baby in your arms, you know with every cell in your body that there is a soul waiting to become your child. And you love that child so much already, that you are doing everything in your power (IF treatments, the maze of international or domestic adoption, and/or the always fun "natural" path: acupuncture, herbs, special diets, standing on your head, etc.,-- or all of the above) along with lots and lots of prayer/creative visualization/voodoo, to bring your baby into your life. You are already mothers to your children, doing what a mother does: fighting for your children; caring, loving and wanting them. And, one way or another, we will all meet our children one day. My son lies a few feet away from me--and I am gearing up to start fighting for his little brother or sister, whom I know wants to join our family.
So please, my dear Mothers-in-Waiting. Love yourselves today. Though it hurts to feel like you're not included in today's celebration, please find a way, something small, something personal, to celebrate. Even if it feels stupid. Celebrate the love and dedication in your hearts to the children who will be so lucky to one day meet you and call you Mother.
Big hugs everyone.
p.s. I am sorry--I started this blog yesterday--but was interrupted (ironically) by the frequent phone calls from friends and family, who wanted to wish me a "Happy Mother's Day." Wow.