Tuesday, November 30, 2010

How I Spent My Thanksgiving Holiday

....recovering from emergency surgery.

Really?!

Fuck.

We were out of town, staying at Mister's parents' house. They were traveling, so we were there alone. The plan was to spend the week there relaxing, and to also host the Thanksgiving feast for my family and some friends. I was excitedly preparing to co-cook a meal for about 12 people.

Then, in the wee hours of Wednesday morning (the day before Thanksgiving) I woke up to go to the bathroom.

....the rest of this gets sort of icky, so if you don't want to hear about it, leave now....

I was having some cramping....and I thought, 'finally, my period.' I had been expecting it for a week or so. But, no, no period. But pain. Lots and lots of pain. Like some one was stabbing me in the stomach and the groin, and twisting the knife around. I started seeing stars. I almost fell off the toilet. I made it back to the bed and told Mister, 'something is wrong.'

I had been having a sort of nagging pain on my right side for some time. I thought maybe it was a cyst...I figured I'd go have it checked after the holiday. Now, with this extreme pain, I figured I must be having an appendicitis.

When I got to the ER they had me pee in a cup.

Then the doctor told me, I was pregnant.

How?!?!? I had had sex exactly one time in the past two months, and had gotten my period that month. Since my period I NOT had any, ANY activity. So I knew two things: I must be pretty far along, and, something was wrong.

Still, while I waited for the ultrasound tech to come get me, my mind went wild: where will we put the second crib? We'll have to rearrange our storage so we can remove the second set of closets in Grace's room and make some room there. Oh my God, they are going to be so close in age! Will it be a boy or a girl? How will Handsome Man handle it....and so on.

I marveled at how it could be possible that I, a card-carrying Infertile, could now say, "Wow, he just looks and me and I get pregnant!" A saying that I had heard from women so many times over the years, and had made me want to vomit every time. Now here I was, the world's most fertile Infertile. Things like that just don't happen to a girl like me....

And then, the ultrasound. A pregnancy measuring 8 weeks. Alive. Not in my uterus.

Within an hour the OB doctor on call arrived and I was taken into surgery.

When I awoke I was shivering and shaking and all alone. Mister had taken the kids back to the house (at my urging) to get some sleep. When he came to pick me up he told me the doctor had called him after the surgery to let him know how it went. He tried to save the fallopian tube, he said, but it was too destroyed. And there was a lot of internal bleeding.

Physically, I am healing. It was not a delicate procedure like my other laparoscopy (which was performed by doctor Wunnerful). I look like I have been in a knife fight. Let's just say bikinis are no longer part of my future.

Emotionally, I have run the gamut of emotions. I know there was no possible way to save an ectopic pregnancy. But the word 'alive' keeps ringing in my ears. There was a baby there. And now there is not.

And I am short a tube.

I am mad at myself for not going to the doctor sooner for the pain. Seriously, had I had any reason to actually think I *might* be pregnant, I would have taken a HPT. I would have gone in right away. Maybe my tube could have been saved. I won't ever know, and I guess it doesn't matter now.

Needless to say, I didn't host Thanksgiving.

15 comments:

Lavender Luz said...

Awwww, Frenchie. What are the odds for any of this??

I'm sorry about your losses. You have had quite a year, haven't you?

I think you are deserving of a very calm and mild 2011.

Abiding with you.

Heather said...

I am so sorry, for all of it. What a gut-wrenching experience to go through. Peace to you.

luna said...

so sorry, frenchie. how awful. glad you're healing, and glad it wasn't worse, though that's little comfort I imagine. xo

rebecca said...

So sorry for your loss, sending hope for strength and peace to find you in the days and weeks ahead.

~LFCA

justine said...

Crap. I am so sorry for this ... pregnancy loss is bad enough, but an ectopic pregnancy is heartbreaking in an entirely different way. I wish I could offer something more useful, but I'm sending my thoughts to be with you, hoping for physical healing, and hoping that you are surrounded by love right now. Please try to be kind to yourself. *hug*

Janey981 said...

So so sorry this has happened. I wish there were words to make any of this better. Thinking of you x

loribeth said...

Here from LFCA. Ectopic pregnancy can be so scary -- I imagine even more so when you didn't even realize you were pg. :( I'm sorry. (((HUGS)))

Roccie said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. It is heart breaking.

cowgirltn said...

I am sorry for the pain and loss.

Mrs. Misfits said...

Also here from LFCA. I am so very sorry about the ectopic. That this was dealt with swiftly says how urgent your situation was and I'm grateful that you are on the other side here. My thoughts are with you and your family.

-K said...

My doc took my right tube when I had an ectopic. She told me that the scar from removing the pregnancy would always be a weakness in my tube and I would just end up having more ectopics in the same spot. I was 7 weeks. I'm sorry for your loss lovely lady! Hang in there.

Belinda said...

That is just awful. I am so sorry for the loss of your little one as well as for your tube. Take care xo

Celia said...

I am so sorry, what a terrible thing to happen. I am thinking of you.

JJ said...

My goodness, Frenchie! I am sooo glad you are OK--what a way to spend Turkey Day.
Thankful all is ok--and I agree with Lav, you need a peaceful '11!

jjiraffe said...

Here from LFCA too. I am so, so sorry for the loss of your little one and your tube. Sounds very scary and traumatic :( I had a surprise pregnancy and miscarriage this year too, after having children through IVF, and it's been rough. My thoughts are with you.