I haven't posted in a while, and mostly it's because (same old story) I've been reeeeallly busy at work. But, there is another reason. I've been in a bit of a negative tailspin lately. I didn't want to bore you guys with all my negative pissin' and moanin'. But, here's a quick overview:
1. I can't stop comparing myself to other people.
And by other people, I mean other people who are fertile. My friend J. is due in September. After a few months of marriage, she fell pregnant, and, at age 36 is (thankfully) experiencing a healthy pregnancy with no issues. I don't know why, but lately, it's been bugging me a lot. And, I've been practicing avoidance. I keep meaning to call, but I don't. I keep meaning to make a date to get together with her, but I don't. I keep meaning to send her a package with all of Baby Boy's too small clothes, but I haven't. The thing that's really like a knife in the ribs to me? If any one could AFFORD fertility treatments, or private adoption, (or all of the above) it's J. She married a Google bazillionaire. But, I digress. My sister in law, K., is due next month. Number three. Enough said. There are lots of other pregnant people or those who have lots of bio kids. But, the list is too long.
2. I keep thinking about my miscarriage. Get over it, right? It was a year and a half ago. But, I keep thinking, that was my one shot. The ONE time sperm met egg (that we know) and I got to know the feeling of seeing two lines on the pee stick. And then it was gone.
3. I am so burned out right now with my job. Too many things here to discuss, but, let's just say: employee "issues", long hours, early mornings, needy clients, and... if you want something done right, then the owner of the company (me) better do it. UGH.
4. I look in the mirror, and, who the f#@%! is that old, harried, wrinkly, frumpy looking woman!? Depressing.
5. My ovaries. I'm obsessed. What can I do to dust them off and make them function?
Okay. So. I need to get out of this dreary dump. So, I'm formulating The Plan. As long as I have A Plan that I can work on, then at least I can feel like I'm doing something, instead of just circling around in the dumps. It will give me a focus--and somewhere to put all that negative energy, and hopefully take the edge off. Will hopefully make me more fun to be around. (I will create a separate post for the The Plan, next.)
Before I go, I would like to try and balance the negativity scales, with some gratitude. Very Oprah, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Here I go:
Things I am grateful for:
1. My son. Amazing. Beautiful. We definitely won the lottery. Love of my life. There are not enough words.
2. My husband. My best-friend. Endlessly patient with my ever changing moods. Pretty much a saint. Awesome dad.
3. My pets. Daisy, Max, (thank you God for helping him survive the pit-bull attack!), Molly. Unconditional love. Always.
4. My home. It is small. It needs work. I complain about it all the time. But it's ours. We actually own a home in the Bay Area. And, it's probably the place my son will have his first memories.
5. Even though I'm burned out right now--at least I have a career. I have something to be proud of. I gave birth to something--my little empire. And, a reason to get up every morning whether I like or not, has been a life saver (literally) during the really really dark days over the past couple of years. (Note: NOW my biggest reason to get up in the morning is my son, and I'd be happy to spend my days with him. But, you know what I mean about the job.)
Okay, well that's five for five. So, that's good. Must focus on the positives.