Will I Ever Blog Again?

Crazy. Crazy. Crazy... that's what it's been around here. I don't think there's truly any way to prepare for bringing home a new baby and dealing with the fall-out from a 3 year old big brother trying to adjust. The first 2 or 3 weeks were pretty harrowing. Handsome Man did not handle it too well. Everyone told us to expect this, but, wow. Also, at our first post-hospital check-up we found out that not only was Grace not gaining weight, but she had, in fact, lost a pound since birth. Her jaundice was also getting worse. I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut. I was so scared and worried. Back we went to the hospital to have her bili levels checked and to meet with the lactation consultant. Long story short, it was determined that my milk supply was pretty much inadequate. I had no idea. All I knew was I was feeding Grace constantly, it seemed... I thought all was well! Little did I know she was starving. We immediately started supplementing with formula. They wanted me to do 30 minutes on each breast, then supplement with an ounce or two of formula. And do do this every hour and a half. So, in case you didn't just run the math in your head--that's pretty much round the clock, constant feeding. All while being at home with a very rambunctious, needy, acting-out three year old who also needed my love and attention. I did this for about 2 days before I absolutely totally and completely lost it. Oh, I forgot to mention the lactation consultant also wanted me pumping in between feedings to increase my supply. (sigh...). I switched to feeding her breast at one feeding, and then formula at the next, and pretty soon her formula consumption shot up from 2 ounces to four at most feedings. The good news is her weight shot up immediately and her jaundice resolved very quickly without us having to check her into the hospital. The bad news is that the reality of trying to juggle all this to get my milk supply up has proven to be more than I can really handle. Throw into the mix that I have had weddings to produce this month and well....TILT!!!!!! Overload!!!! So, the little munchkin has been getting more and more formula and I have tried to keep pumping but honestly there are days where I just don't have time. My milk supply is dwindling and I am really upset because I would love to keep breastfeeding. But the important things are that Grace is healthy and continues to gain weight (in fact she's turning into a chunky little Bhudda Baby) and that I have time in the day where I can give Handsome Man some individual attention, and that I stay sane, for all of our sakes. So, I'm not sure what will happen with the breast feeding thing. I doubt I'll be able to get my supply up to where it would need to be to feed her exclusively. So do I ditch it all together and just switch to formula? I'm sure at some point I will have to. I pumped four times yesterday and I only get about an ounce and a half combined (both breasts) after pumping for half an hour. Yeah, pitiful. So, the boobs are more of a comfort/bonding/quick snack sort of thing for Grace at this point.

Shutting down the business: I had to move out of my studio. I had it slated for the weekend before I was supposed to have my c-section, but of course Grace had other plans! My friends and family rallied together and got me moved out the following weekend. It was a lot. A week after my delivery and there I was, wandering around the studio, with a baby on the boob, as everything got broken down and moved out. It was all very strange. I am adjusting to life as a stay at home mom. Still have several weddings to produce to fulfill my obligations, but much, much fewer than I'm used to. It's a good thing. But it's an adjustment. I am anxious to get HM back into daycare soon, maybe a few times a week, if we can work it back into our budget. If not, I will have to hold out until fall when I will hopefully get him enrolled in preschool. Trying to get him potty trained once and for all in preparation for this. So far I have been less than successful on that front but we are making progress.

I am hoping at some point I'll have time to sit down and write a more coherent post and tell Grace's birth story.

For now, I will leave you with some photos:

Welcome to the world!!

Mom's not looking to good here, but happy!!

Home from the hospital...

Having a "cupcake party" to celebrate coming home. Handsome Man's tee-shirt says 'Big Brother'. My sister got it for him--totally cute. My face looks totally bloated in this photo. It probably was.

My amazing Grace--a few days home from the hospital.

A Change of Plans

I was supposed to have my C-section today. But.....

My DAUGHTER decided to come one week early. My water broke last Friday night. We rushed to the hospital (because she was breech they told me to come in right away if I should go into labor). Grace* (*not her real name) was born via c-section at 8:28 a.m. on April 10th. She weighed 6 lbs 13 oz and was 20 inches long. She is beautiful and of course I am in love. It has been a whirlwind ever since. I just got home from the hospital a couple of days ago, and things are crazy, of course. Today is the first day I've had time to even open up my laptop. I will post soon with the whole story and some photos....

C-Section Scheduled

My baby's birthday will be April 16th. I had a choice between the 15th or the 16th but who wants their birthday to be Tax Day if it can be avoided? Of course, if I should go into labor earlier than that, I will go straight to the hospital, but if not, I'll be delivering by C-section next Friday. I guess the benefits are that it takes the guesswork out of the timing, eh? Trying to line up help at home for when I get out of the hospital, plus help with Handsome Man while I'm in there. I'm assuming my husband will want to spend a significant amount of time at the hospital with me, and I don't think HM will have too much fun sitting in a hospital room for long periods of time. This is all so crazy.

Still to get done before C-day:

Find jammies for hospital

Pack hospital bag

Finish washing baby's clothes/blankets

Finish organizing stuff in baby's room

Get changing table moved over from storage (aka my office)

Move out of studio (this is a biggie)

Finish pre-orders and place orders with vendors for May weddings

All while totally exhausted, with swollen feet (that just started happening) a sore back, and a three year old with me full time.

No biggie, right?

Turn Around!

Okay, so this baby is still breech. Yesterday I went into the hospital where they tried a 'Version'--which is where they try and manually manipulate the baby into turning heads-down. Let me just tell anyone out there who may need this procedure--it is not pleasant. Though, I'm sure it is nothing compared to labor. First they pumped my full of a drug that was supposed to relax my uterus. It is actually an asthma medication. How it was discovered it was useful for relaxing women's uteri I have no idea, but whatever. Let's just say it makes you feel like craap! I was shaky and jittery and just sort of icky feeling. Like having waaaay too much coffee. But without the fun. Then the good doctor (not my doctor Wunnerful but another doc from the practice, whom I've been seeing a lot lately) tried (while I was hooked up to a fetal heart monitor and the ultrasound tech was standing by to keep checking position) to moooooove that baby. Um. Let's just say it was painful. I tried as hard as I could to not seize up and constrict my muscles (which would have been counterproductive to what they were trying to do). I had to do a lot of breathing--the type of breathing I would imagine I would be using if I were actually in labor--and try my best to "go to my happy place" while it was happening. Mister was there and he was being very supportive. Unfortunately, it just didn't work. Once the doctor announced he was stopping, I started crying. I really hoped it would work. Because this means of course that the only way this baby is coming out is by C-section.

Many friends have suggested acupuncture or chiropractic or even standing upside down in a pool. Let me just tell you that after what they did to me yesterday, I would wager that if that couldn't get the baby to move, then needles in my little toe aren't going to do it either. Not to sound negative or anything, but seriously--apparently the baby's butt is firmly planted in my pelvis. Pretty stuck.

So I've got another STUBBORN little child on my hands. God help me.

I am disappointed that I will not be able to go through the rite of passage of childbirth. There is a part of me that wants to be angry at my body for failing me once again--but really, I can't go there. I mean, if anything, I owe my body a lot of thanks for getting me this far. Not only did I finally conceive, I have had a pretty uneventful and healthy pregnancy. I even survived and recovered from a terrible car accident at 6 weeks pregnant. I've been feeling mostly good this whole time. I've got a robust, healthy baby growing inside of me. He or she is just in the wrong position. It is not my fault. It is not my body's fault (other than being slender and not providing a lot of space, I suppose?).

I see the doctor again on Monday and he will schedule the C. Do you think it will be rude or weird of me to request my Doctor Wunnerful to do the C-section?

On another, random note: Today is April Fool's Day. On this day 4 years ago I was informed the baby I was carrying was not a viable pregnancy. And it wasn't a joke. It was one of the worst days of my entire life. I guess, when I think about where I was then, and where I am now, having a C-section isn't such a big deal, if it means I get a healthy baby at the end of it all.

But still, I'm a little freaked and a little sad, too.

Happy Birthday Handsome Man

My little boy is three. Whoa. He is sprouting like a little bean pole. We went to one of his favorite places today--about 30 minutes from home with a railroad and a petting zoo. Two of my friends who have little boys met us there to ride the trains, and then we went next door to a pizza place. It was chaotic and hectic with three little boys running around, but a lot of fun.

I can't believe that three years ago today we were in a hospital in Boise, Idaho waiting for him--waiting on the brink of becoming parents.

I talked to HM's birth-grandmother, "Aunt Patty" today. (And HM got on the phone with her too). She has been trying to come out for a visit but has been having a hard time getting the time off of work. She's going to try to come in the next few weeks. Of course it will still be hectic and crazy around here, with moving out of my studio, and all the baby preparations, and trying to get the house together. But I don't think she cares. She loves spending time with HM and we love seeing her.

Patty told me Eryn has been MIA lately. Crazy stuff going on that I just won't get into for the sake of minding my own business. But let's just say her current boyfriend is not much of an improvement from the way M. treated her. It makes me sad, but what can I do...

We'll be giving her a call this evening too and hopefully will get to speak with her.

Last Day of School

Today is Handsome Man's last day at school. Last day, that is, until I am hopefully able to start him in preschool in the fall. It will most likely be a parent co-op preschool. Which I know is going to be really great, but at the moment I am feeling really low. He loves his school and has thrived since he started going there and I have been crying off and on all day. We just can't afford it now.

I don't know but I think the hormones might be getting the better of me today.

In other news my baby is still breech and I am freaked.

Just a Few Things

So, I've got just a few things to do/get sorted out in the next month before baby arrives. I'm not totally stressed out or anything.

Business:

I am in the process of trying to sell off everything in my studio--all the props and such that I've collected over the years, plus the office furniture. Hoping I can make some decent money from all of it--(we need it!)--and hoping it all goes so that I don't have to move it (again!). I sent out a flyer to everyone in my address book who is "industry" folk, for a sale for the last week of March. I have some people coming this week to pre-view some stuff. Hopefully they will take stuff. The sooner the better.

My friend, T., has just bought a house in The Town Where I Live. She is hoping to get possession by April 8th. She has so very generously offered to let me use her basement space to do my existing events for 2010. So all going well, I should be able to move the things I need into her space without having to store them somewhere else in between. I am keeping a few work tables, my tools, buckets, various floral supplies, glass, and probably my cooler (until end of summer when my events are done).

I need to finish my taxes. I am waiting on some paperwork my credit card company was supposed to send, to give to my bookkeeper, so they can finish up my 2009 books, so that I can then fill out the tax packet for my cpa. UGh. I have to check on this again today.

Home:

We moved into our New Room a few weeks ago, and it is awesome. It is so cozy and nice. My husband thought of everything. Down to the his and hers reading lights installed above the headboard of our bed, complete with dimmer switches. Even though it only adds another 250 or so square feet to our tiny domicile, it makes the whole house seem so much more spacious. I love it and even though it cost us more than we planned--I'm glad we did it. I'm sure my husband is glad to be done with it--poor guy. But, someday, when the economy comes back, I know we have added a lot of value to this house. I hope.

So now we have to do the baby's room (our old bedroom). Two weekends ago my husband opened the suspect wall to check for mold. The good news is there was NO MOLD! Also no water damage. Everything was dry and the lumber looked as new as the day it was built. Which is saying a lot of a house built in the 1930's. So the mildew on the wall was a surface problem. The bad news is that my husband was a little bit aggravated about opening up a whole wall for nothing. Oh well, at least now we know, and now that that part of the wall is gone, so is the mildew. Yuk. So Mister took the opportunity of the open wall to push some insulation in (why did they not insulate houses back then?). This last weekend he replaced the drywall. Now he has to do a few coats of mud over the next few evenings. Hopefully by next weekend, I'll be able to start painting.

So I've got to:

Paint baby's room

Put together Handsome Mans's old crib (Mister will obviously be doing this.)

Move changing table and other misc. stuff over that is stored at my studio right now.

Find curtains for window AND closet system.

Get crib mattress (we're using HM's on his toddler bed).

We also need to clean up the debris from our construction that is piled up in the front yard (we look like the white trash house on the block yet again) and go to the dump. But for obvious reasons, being as overwhelmed as I am, this is at the bottom of the list. Sorry, neighbors).

Preparing for Baby:

Need to go through HM's old clothes blankets, etc., see what we have.

Wash and put away all baby clothes, blankets, bedding, etc.

Pack hospital bag

Find jammies for hospital

Find bottles, wash, store

Stock up on diapers, etc.

Clean entire house!!

Probably a million other things I am forgetting.

Oh, and this Friday will be Handsome Man's last day at daycare. So I need to do all of this stuff while watching my rambunctious 3 year old.

And I've got to figure out what we're doing next weekend for his birthday. (3 years old--OMYGOD!)

Let's just say I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

Please baby, stay in there for the full duration of your gestation. Please oh please. Mommy has a lot to do.