Two.

I can't believe it. My little baby ("little" is not really an apt description for my very tall, burly toddler--but he is still "little" in my eyes) is TWO YEARS OLD TODAY!! Oh my God. Where has the time gone? I am feeling really misty and sentimental, thinking a lot about his birth, those early days when we were trying to figure everything out. How little he was. How it felt to hold him that first time. How I used to be able to carry him in one arm, sort of like a football, when I needed my other hand to say, fill a bottle or grab a nappy. 

I am filled with gratitude--such a wonderful, charming, happy, loving, funny, unique person surely never existed before or will henceforth--right? (I know all moms feel that way about their children, and this is my blog--my world--so in this place I am right. Hee hee). How on earth did we get so lucky?

And for some strange reason yesterday I found myself trolling our old adoption agency website... hmm...

Unfortunately, my plans for a big birthday party in the park this Sunday are being rained-out, so I am trying to figure out what to do. My house is too small for a party, unfortunately (grrrr.). Oh well! As long as Handsome Man has fun and gets some cake (and balloons!!) he'll be happy. And when he's happy, I'm happy. 

TMI POST: Um, Where Is My Period? *UPDATED*

'Kay. I had the hysteroscopy on the 6th. I bled. For about a week. Sort of like a period: 2 days of flow, a few days of spotting. Then it sort of dragged out for a couple of days. Thought I was done, and then I'd spot a little more. Repeat. Ok. Then I was done. And, well. Somewhere between when the spotting dropped off and er, like NOW I should have gotten a period. My real one. So, was that my period? Which would have been really early. Which would be bad. But, today I am spotting again. Just a wee little bit. Is this my period? If it is, well, that could be good... because it would be a normal (for me) cycle length. After the hysteroscopy + ensuing flow, I could understand if my period is extremely light. But how am I to tell if this is the real thing or what? See, I am paranoid. Is it all over? Are my periods disappearing (menopause?). Or, is the synthroid making them go away? Or, am I having a period right now, and it's at an appropriate time but it's just light cuz of the surgery and I should be happy cuz it's at the right time and it may be a sign that something is actually going in the right direction if my cycles are getting longer again? Or, or or or!!!! What? It is impossible to tell where I am in my cycle right now. It is so weird! It is one thing to not know where I am in a cycle, but I don't even know which cycle I am in, and where I am in in it? Ya know? Kinda. Freaking. Out. Want. Answers.

Follow up with Dr. Wonderful next week.

Going to ask for referral for Endocrinologist too.

**Edited to add: Got the Real Thing today! Woot woot! Never been so happy to get my period. If I am correct, then I just had a very normal 28-day cycle. Of course I'll need to see if the trend continues in the coming months, especially since I had the whole surgery thing smack dab in the middle of the cyle, but if this means the thyroid meds are doing something right, then I am a very happy camper. So happy. 

Quick Update

Surgery went well! I am feeling pretty good. I'm not even having to take any pain meds today. Just need to keep sort of still. I was pretty groggy when the doctor spoke to me after the surgery, so I may have missed a thing or two, but he also spoke to Mister. So the info I have is that he didn't find a lot of endo but they did remove what they did find, which was mostly on my ovaries. He also removed a cyst from one of my ovaries. They did another HSG (so happy to be asleep for it this time!) and one of my tubes was blocked, but he was able to flush it out, I guess. Ute looked good--no scar tissue from my D&C so that is reassuring. 

It was a little hard being back at the same hospital where I had my D&C but luckily, they have a brand new outpatient surgery center, so I was actually in another building and did not find myself in a miserable dej'a vu. 

I have a follow up appointment scheduled with Dr. Wonderful, so I'm sure I'll get the replay then. 

Thank you to everyone who sent me well-wishes, and thanks a million to all the folks who sent me information and advice about the thyroid stuff. Once again, I am amazed and grateful for this wonderful, supportive community! 

Dr. Google, You're Making Me Crazy

Today's appointment. Ok. I am a little confused. I know I said I wished for a thyroid problem if it would account for my wonky cycles. Here's what I got: Thyroid levels=perfect. However, Anti-thyroid antibodies=elevated. Hashimoto's or Graves disease. I have been Goog.ling them all afternoon, and I am, well, not sure what to think. I do have a lot of the symptoms: fatigue, foggy brain, forgetfulness, low libido, DEPRESSION. But, while it does say it can cause changes in menstrual cycles, I haven't found anything to specifically indicate shortening of cycles. So, I am not sure if having this problem is in some weird Bizarro-IF world actually "good" news, or if it just means it has nothing to do with my wonky cycles and it can't really be fixed, and just adds more problems to my reproductive plate (not to mention over-all health and quality of life). It sounds like there is no cure for this problem and it will get worse over time (according to Dr. Google). My real life doctor seemed pretty non-plussed. (My levels were low). But when I brought up the short cycles he prescribed me a thyroid medication and said to see if this returned my cycles to normal. If not, well, then I may just be f%*ked. Two ways. 

OY!

Lap and hysteroscopy is still on for Friday. The doctor was worried about interfering with any potential pregnancy (based on where I am in my cycle.) I was like, seriously? It's HIGHLY unlikely. But will have to take a pregnancy test before the surgery. Haha.

It's On

Surgery is scheduled for this Friday. I'm going between excited (excited about having your insides scraped out with a laser? Leave it to an Infertile), apathetic (the dark side of my brain telling me it might not make a bit of difference and is a waste of effort and cash), and scared (OMG I'm having SURGERY--Ack!). I'm also dreading a little bit going back to that hospital. The hospital where I had my D&C. It does not hold the best memories for me. But, luckily, this is at least one small step forward and with my new doctor, I feel like I'm in such good hands. Maybe this will be the beginning of something. At the very least, it will hopefully give me some relief from the painful periods and ovulation that I have been experiencing. I know Endo can grow back, but one thing at a time. That is my new mantra. 

Will have my pre-op appointment with Doctor Wonderful tomorrow and I'm sure we'll go over my labwork at that time, too. Eek. 

Wish me luck!

Really?

There is a reason I never pick up the phone. There is a reason I've been a total recluse for the past howevermany years now. Because each time I talk to someone it is another opportunity for the Universe to remind me of just how fertile the rest of the world is. Seriously. 

I spent a large portion of my day yesterday reaching out to anyone and everyone I could think of that might have some work they could possibly throw my way. I left cheery little voice mails all over town. Well today a woman called me back.  A wedding coordinator I've worked with like one time. The first time I met her, it was not too long after my miscarriage (I can't remember exactly when it was...) and she announced that she was pregnant right there in a client meeting with the me, and the client. She wasn't even showing yet. But she was all, "Oh, by the time of the event (the client's event, which we were meeting about) I'll be as big as a house! Hahaha." I just remember feeling like I was on fire and trying not to scream throughout that entire meeting, and then coming home and crying and being a wreck for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, I didn't end up getting hired for that event (gee, I can't imagine why? did I seem like a total weirdo during the meeting despite my best efforts to act normal?), so I didn't get to see her all "as big as a house." The next time I talked to her, it was around this time last year? Maybe a little earlier, like December. Of course by then we had had our whirlwind adoption, and I had a baby. And she had hers, of course. We were supposed to meet with another client together at that time, but Handsome Man had the flu and I had called to cancel. Now, a year later, bless her heart, she was the first person out of all those messages I left yesterday, to call me back. Feeling strong and good enough these days to actually ask people how their babies are doing or pregnancies are going*, I inquired about her baby. She started laughing and told me that she had just had her second baby. Hahaha. So, yes, she's really busy. More laughter, hahha. "Oh congratulations, blah, blah blah," I said, while I felt like the wind had just been knocked out of me. Two babies in less than 3 years. 

This is why I never answer the phone. But not answering the phone is not a good thing when you are trying to make money running your own business. 

I also love it when I get the announcements from past brides that they are expecting. It's like, ok, I just did your wedding 6 months ago (or whatever) and now you're pregnant. Yippee. 

Meanwhile, I sit here waiting for the phone to ring from the doctor's office to find out about my lap. That lady has still not called me back. I am half-inclined to drive up there (30 minutes away) and walk in and demand to have someone speak to me! Grrr. All so I can pay for the pleasure of having my insides scraped out, so that maybe maybe maybe I'll have a small chance of becoming pregnant? A pregnancy I'll have to shell out big bucks for. While the world goes on around me and people pop out babies like pez candies. 

This is why I don't answer the phone. Or read the magazines in the grocery aisle. Seriously.

*ok, maybe that is an exaggeration. I can ask after people's babies. At least I can relate to caring for and loving a baby. But I am not really in a place where I can ask people about their pregnancies. The lady at my son's daycare is pregnant and I see her belly growing day by day, but I never ask the usual, "So, how are you feeling?" question that everybody always asks pregnant women. I keep it the topics of Handsome Man, work, the weather. So, I guess I am a whimp. Oh well.

One Foot In Front of the Other

Hello everyone, and once again, and as always, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the supportive comments. 

I am doing ok. I have been trying to not think too long or too hard (though it's difficult sometimes) about what my body is or is not doing. At this point, it is somewhat out of my control. Or maybe entirely out of my control. No amount of healthy living and supplements and wheat grass is gonna turn around what already is. Though being healthy is good, it isn't going to make any babies spring forth from this body on its own. So, I am just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other. One day at a time. I have two things on the immediate horizon: The lap and hysteroscopy my gyno has planned for me, and also the follow up to my thyroid testing. I have my follow up appointment to go over my blood work scheduled for March 5th, and am trying to get my surgery scheduled for the following day. (I am waiting to hear back from the woman who schedules the surgery for that doc. She was supposed to get back to me by today, so I have already called her and harassed her -nicely- on her voicemail once today). Once I have the surgery, and know what if any the results were (if I have endo, or if there was anything else wonky going on in there) then I will have more information about what to do next. Surely, if I do have bad endo, then having it 'cleared out' can only be a good thing, whether I proceed with IVF with my own eggs, or with DE. Either way, a healthy environment for embryos to grow in can only be a positive, right? And as for the thyroid? Who knows. Maybe something was out of whack and it can be corrected. Then I will have that information and can make a choice about how to move forward. If all is normal with the thyroid, and it can NOT be blamed for my weird cycles, then I will have to move forward and have my FSH et al tested again, and let those results direct me on how to proceed. I can't figure it all out at once, I need to get the information one step at a time. And hopefully the path will become clear. But I am on the path. That is the important thing. I am not going to be sitting out on the sidelines any longer. I know that I had to take myself out of the game for different reasons at different times, and I can't go back into the past and beat my self up for it (though my brain would like to --and I have to keep telling it to shut up, already!). It is what it is. I am moving forward, bit by bit.