Frenchie, What Were You Thinking?

I have to ask myself, what WAS I thinking? So, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. No big deal, but this year I am hosting it (at the wonderful home of Mister's parents, out in the country. They are in Morrocco *nice!* so we have the big house all to ourselves). I am hosting Thanksgiving for Mister, HM and myself, as well as my mom, sister, brother-in-law, aaaaannd....as you may recall, HM's BIRTHMOTHER and her mom and dad, Mark and Patty. Oh. My. God. Okay, let's break it down. Why am I freaking out? Cooking Thanksgiving dinner? I've done it before. It's been a while, but I have done it. Actually before I started my Floral Empire, I was quite the entertainer. I threw a lot of Holiday parties, dinner parties, etc. I was a regular mini Mar.tha S.tewart. Poor Mister, never has really gotten to know that side of me. But anyway, I digress. Thanksgiving meal, no problem. Seeing Eryn for the first time since HM was born? Well, sure, I'm a little nervous, but we've been looking forward to seeing her for a while. We've been trying to make it happen for some time. The fact that is happening on a major holiday gives it a little extra edge, sure, but whatever. I can handle it. So, what I am really freaking out about? What is causing me to toss and turn? Why is my stomach tied up in knots (ok I'm exaggerating a bit, but I like to make it dramatic.)? This: My MOTHER + Eryn. In the same room. Trapped. No where to go. Why is this a potential problem? Let me try to explain. My mom is, well, one of those people who is just what I would describe as "out of touch." I always say that she lives on her own planet. It's not just that she's getting older, she's always sort of been that way. But of course it gets more pronounced with age. I never know what little gems are going to come out of her mouth. It's not malicious on her part (at least I don't think so) but man! she can come out with some doozies. Usually it's just embarrassing or frustrating, but given the emotional scenario of Eryn being there, it's like walking through a potential mine-field of possible whoppers.

Allow me to provide you with an example of just how out there she can be.

Let me take you back 20 months. Mister and I were in Boise for the birth of our son. Handsome Man had just gotten released from the hospital, and we were allowed to take him "home" with us (home to our hotel room). We were happy, amazed, freaked, excited and in a state of disbelief... so we did what any new parents would do, we picked up the phone and started calling our family to let them know we had our son. We were finally parents. First we called Mister's parents. They were so happy...and they were feeling nostalgic themselves, since it reminded them of their own experience of coming home with Mister when they adopted him. Nice. Then, we called my mom. I don't remember it verbatim, but let me try to replicate our conversation for you. It went a little something like this:

Me: Hi Mom! We've got our son! We're here in our hotel with him right now!
Mom: Oh that's wonderful! How is it going?
Me: So far so good. We're really happy.
Mom: Oh, how wonderful. Are you keeping in contact with The Mother?

Me: You mean his Birthmother?
Mom: Uh, oh, yes. How is she? Are you keeping in touch?
Me: Yes, we've been visiting with her and the baby at the hospital every day. We'll probably see her again in a day or two. We talk on the phone.
Mom: Oh that's good. She'll probably be able to give you lots of advice on how to take care of the baby.
Me: What!!????
Mom: Oh, well, she can probably give you lots of tips.
Me: Ok. Mister wants to talk to you.

Okay. So in my mom's world I guess the Biological Mother must inherintly know more than I ever will about how to take care of a baby. Nevermind the fact that I've been wanting, hoping, dying to become a mother for YEARS, that I am a grown woman in her mid-thirties, that I have been an aunt since I was 8 years old. Never mind all of that. Never mind the fact that Eryn, despite all her awesomeness and amazing maturity and strength in deciding to make an adoption plan for her child, is, afterall a teenager who is NOT READY TO BE A MOM! Aggghhh! The comment hurt me on so many levels. I mean, way to be supportive of your daughter, right? Way to believe in me. I guess I will never be a "real" mother in her eyes. But whatever. That's between me and her. What I am not looking forward to is, what crazy comments are likely to come spilling out when she actually gets in the room with Eryn! I mean, I expect she may say something that will hurt my feelings. Fine. But I really, really, really, hope she doesn't say something to insult, hurt, embarrass or otherwise make Eryn feel downright uncomfortable and wonder what kind of F***ed up family she let her child be adopted into.

****sigh****

It will all be fine, right?

Anyway, Mark texted me yesterday and said:

We are so excited to see you guys, and we can't wait to love all over Handsome Man.

Nice. I love those guys. We are truly blessed to have such an amazing relationship with HM's birthfamily. And, no matter what happens, we have a lot to give thanks for this year.

But keep your fingers crossed for me tomorrow, k?

Luckily, we bought lots and lots of wine. :)

Perfect Moment(s)

I have finally decided (to get off my butt and) hop on board Lori's Perfect Moment Monday. Well, I'm way too late for this week's PMM since today is, uh, Thursday, but let's just say I am early for next week. Kay?

There were a series of what felt like Perfect Moments to me this week.

1. On Tuesday I was rocking my son in his room, reading him stories and getting him ready for bed. I had left the tv on in the other room with the volume turned up so I could hear what was going on with the election. As I was taking in the gorgeousness and warmth and perfection of quietly sitting there with my son in my arms, I could hear CNN in the other room--calling the election for Barack Obama. Excitement surged through my body and I wanted to shout, but I just looked at my son and hugged him tight. I was so excited that his world had just changed for the better, along with the rest of the country.

2.The next morning, after dropping my son off at daycare, I took a few moments for myself and turned on the tv to catch up on the local ballot measures I was still waiting to hear about. I flipped through the stations and stopped when I saw the lovely Maya Angelou being interviewed about the election. It was amazing to hear her speak about the election and all it means to her, (and the world), but the most amazing moment was when she did an impromptu recitation of "I Rise." Tears, chills, love, hope, gratitude. I was so happy I caught that moment.

3. A totally personal Perfect Moment. My son grabbed my hand and pulled it up to his chest. Not to show me something, lead me somewhere, get my attention or ask for something--just to have my touch. He held my hand like that for several moments. Just 'cause.

Ahhhh...

In other news:

1. I have started the arduous process of moving out of my studio. I have a lot of crap! I rented a huge storage unit and have started moving stuff over. It's really weird. Especially since I don't know where I'll be in the spring. I hate Limbo. Keeping my fingers crossed something amazing and perfect comes along to fill this gap.

2. Halloween was fun. We (Handsome Man and I) went into the City and to Mister's office in costume. They had a very informal Halloween party and almost everyone was dressed up. (We decided not to do the trick-or-treating thing this year since we are not giving Handsome Man candy--yet. Lord help me.) Also it was raining.
Handsome Man was a train engineer, incase it's not obvious. Mister was a surgeon. No, he does not usually wear scrubs to work.

3. Mister's company is changing their insurance plan. There is a tiny allowance for Infertility coverage. Basically, 2,500.00 lifetime max for treatments, and the same for meds. I know, it doesn't get us very far, but it's something. We are talking about next steps and right now it looks like this time NEXT year, if all goes well, we'll dive in to the murky waters. IVF here I come. Unless of course, some miracle happens, and I get pregnant on my own before then, haha.

4. October 25th was our 5-year wedding anniversary. Holy crap. I mean, Yay! (Where does the time go?). We have yet to go out and officially celebrate. Anyone wanna babysit?

5. Our Thanksgiving plans this year include Handsome Man's birth-family. "Uncle Mark" and "Aunt Patty"* (aka Eryn's parents), Eryn, and her brother, Ethan, will all be driving out from Boise to celebrate Thanksgiving with us. I am very excited. We had a vacation together with Mark and Patty last fall, though I didn't really talk about it here on this blog. I mentioned we were vacationing with friends. I think at the time I was still keeping this relationship under wraps a bit. Why? I'm not really sure--maybe I was still feeling vulnerable because our adoption wasn't finalized yet. I know that doesn't make sense, but I didn't tell a lot of people. Anyway, it was a wonderful vacation, and we really had the time to get to know each other even better, and became very close. It is very wonderful and special that HM will get to have this relationship with his birth-family. And, Mister and I are excited to have a relationship with them, too, because they are just cool. Anyway, this will be the first time Eryn has seen HM since we left Boise after HM was born. Her dad tried to get her out here in July for a visit. I was all ready, and at the last minute she cancelled the trip. Why? Because she wanted to spend the weekend with Matt (HM's birth-fater)**, because Matt has been working off and on out of town, and she wasn't going to be able to see him again for a month. Well, my feelings about it were: yes, but you haven't seen HM for over a year! And he's never going to be this age again, etc. Grr. But, it was her decision. Let's just say I was disappointed. But, I am hoping this time she will make it. I think it will be good for HM to start knowing who she is, in person, so that "meeting his birth-mother" won't ever be some strange, emotional, or potentially stressful event in the future. It will just be normal. I'd like to be able to have a visit with her once a year. I want it to just be part of our family, normal, tradition. Of course, if it feels right as we go forward to meet more often I am open to that, too. But let's just get this first visit on the books, shall we?

*Mark and Patty picked this 'label' rather than birth-grandparents. It just felt right to all of us. Especially since Mark and Patty are really not that much older than Mister and I. And, because we all agreed that Mister's parents and my mom are THE Grandparents. This is what works for us.

** Matt has not yet expressed any interest in visiting Handsome Man, but we are open to the possibility. However, our relationship with Matt's family is nothing like our relationship with Eryn's family. So, we will have to proceed with that situation more carefully. I am not really able to "go there" mentally yet. I just feel lucky that our relationship with Mark and Patty has just happened so organically.

First Week of My "Off-Season": Photos of the Kid...

The final wedding of the season is behind me as of last Sunday.

Yay!!

I've been taking some time the past coupla days to just hang with Handsome Man. Oh, the fun. Of course, there are still business things I must get back to, but after my usual day off yesterday, I just felt like I needed one more full day off with Handsome Man, so I kept him home from daycare to play hooky with Mom. Work, and packing up the studio, can wait till tomorrow. The pumpkin patch was calling...

The End of an Era

About 4 years ago, we moved from our rented flat in Oakland, to our newly purchased home in another town. The town is north and east of San Francisco, and not too far from what some people around these parts call, "Wine Country." I went from working and running my business out of a one-car detached garage to having to rent a separate studio space for my business, because the house we purchased is sooooo small, it didn't have the space to accommodate my growing business. I have been in my studio space for 4 years. And, after this month, I'll be leaving it behind. In the four years I've been in that space so much has happened. It has been some of the most eventful, emotionally difficult, emotionally draining, exhilarating, exciting, and excruciating years of my entire life. Since we moved to this little town, and since I started working out of my studio, I have gone through the active stages (and monthly ups and downs) of trying to conceive. It was at my studio I got the phone call that my SIL was pregnant with baby number two. I had to go into the back storage room to have a breakdown out of ear shot of my employees. Little did I know I was already pregnant myself that day. It was in that studio my husband and I embraced for the first time after learning we were pregnant. (My husband shared the office space with me for a time and so we used to work out of the same office). It was from that location that my husband and I got in the car together to go to our first pregnant ultrasound appointment--all full of hope. It was that same office my husband returned to alone afterward, to continue working as I fell apart, alone, at home. It was in that studio I had my first phone consultation with an "Infertility Specialist" and learned I had a condition called High FSH that would (according to him) make it almost impossible for me to conceive. It was from this office we made our first phone call to an adoption agency, and spent hours together (my husband and I) trolling adoption agency websites.

It was the work I did from this studio that gave me the biggest "breaks" of my career: I was on tv (twice), my work was featured in at least 5 (that I can think of off the top of my head) magazines.

It was this place of work I came to, day after day, week after week, month after month, to pound out the events, to be active, to keep my mind on something other than the heartbreak I was experiencing over these past many years. It was there that I steeped in the emotions of my infertility, my loss, my grief as I wired and taped flowers for boutonnieres, as I cut flowers and placed them into arrangements, as I tied ribbon on Bridal bouquets. As my heart broke, I poured what was left into the flowers for hundreds of people's most joyous moments. The work kept me going. I am glad for that.

It was in that studio my many work friends met my son for the first time. It is in this place of work that I now also have: a pac-n-play, toys, sippy cups, blankets, and photos of my precious boy. It is where I now smile and chat with my designers, swapping stories of what our kids are up to.

And now, it is time to leave.

After a very expensive adoption, and a down-shifted economy which gave me a less-than stellar 2008, business-wise, I can not afford to keep the studio through the winter. As opposed to other years where I could afford to float it through the winter after having an outrageously busy wedding season, this year, I just can't. And I have no weddings or events booked after next week, not until spring. Zip. Nada.

So where am I going to go? Everything is going into storage. For now. I found a really awesome place I would love love love to rent, but can only justify it if I share it with another designer, or another person who would need office and client meeting space. I had someone who wanted to do it, but they have pulled out--due to money and the shaky economy. I haven't been able to find anyone else. I am so incredibly frustrated because the spot would be such a step up for me--it has everything I need--it would be so incredible. But we are trying to SAVE money and LOWER my overhead, not increase it. So, I am having to let it go. And I am going into limbo. When spring comes around, I don't know where I'll be. And that is a scary feeling.

But, for the next few months, I will be playing the role of full-time mom, with a guest appearance as part-time business woman. I will still have to meet with potential clients (hopefully lots!) I'll be writing proposals, and probably working on networking/marketing. I know I will be changing it up for next year: a higher base minimum for events, and only doing ONE event per week, as opposed to three. Yes, you heard me, until now, I've been doing a max of three per week which sometimes turned into four. Not so much this past year but last year (2007) I had multiple events every single weekend. That with a new baby almost killed me. I won't do it any more. I want to work smarter, not harder.

And, my husband needs me to be around more, too. Now that he is working this new job in the City and commuting 3-4 hours per day, he needs to rest more on the weekends. He is exhausted by the end of the week, and as much as he wants to spend time with Handsome Man on the weekends, taking care of a very active toddler all day while your wife is out in BFE setting up an event can wear you out. And then he has to turn around on Monday and start the commute/work grind all over again. It's hard. It's hard on my son not getting to spend much time with both parents together. It's like we're a divorced couple sharing custody. Ack.

Also, my husband has said several times lately, "There's no way we can live this way if we have a second child."

Yes, you heard it right.

We don't have any solid plans yet. We are trying to see where this economy is going to take Mister's company. Right now we are just trying to pay off our debts as aggressively as possible, and sock some money away in the savings account. But, yes, we are at least talking about what the next steps could/might be......to add another child to our family. Eventually. Maybe. See? everything's in limbo. Right now we're thankful that one of us is steadily and gainfully employed and we are praying that that doesn't change. (ie let's hope the company doesn't go belly up, yes?)

So, changes are afoot, and I'm not sure where I'll be 3 or 4 months from now.

But for now I have to get through the last weekend of events--and start packing up the studio. I've gotta be out by Nov. 15th.

And, for Luna and Tiff, here's those pictures you were asking about. Really, they don't do it justice...but hey.

My Big, Big Boy

At today's 18-month check up:

Weight: 30 lbs.
Height: 34 inches.

Wow. His height is (literally) off the chart for his age. The doctor said that as far as his physical development goes (walking, running, etc., etc.,) he is on par with most 2-year-olds. And it's true. He's so capable, and dexterous. He wants to do everything himself now. He can get in and out of his car seat by himself. He runs from me, to get me to play "chase" with him. He is a pro at climbing stairs. He "helps" to dress himself. We're even starting to use the potty (sometimes--we're introducing the concept--but we're not in full-time potty training mode yet). He wants to (and can) sit in a regular chair at the table. He wants to feed himself with the spoon and fork (and can, as long as Mom is okay with the mess). He's just such a Big Boy. And while my heart bursts with pride at how capable, handsome, and smart he is, there is a voice inside me screaming, "don't grow up so fast! Please stay my Baby Boy a little while longer!"

Laughter Is Good

If you need a good laugh--(and God knows I do)--visit this site. Someone sent me the link because he thought I'd find it interesting....and I am totally hooked. I've been laughing so hard my stomach hurts.

Warning, baby cakes on board. Yes, cakes, that look like babies. But, there's lots of other really weird, hilarious stuff.

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/

Go get yourself a laugh.

Emotional

Hi. Sorry I have been away. The whole "living in the present moment" thing is good--but doesn't work so well with the blogging thing. Why? When I'm being active in blog land (and by active I mean reading and commenting, not just posting--cause goodness knows I've never been that prolific) my mind just wanders all over the place. I go into comparison mode. Sometimes I go into jealousy mode. And, instead of just living my moments, I am analyzing moments and composing blog posts in my head. So, I've been taking yet another break. Sorry guys.

But today I feel compelled to write, if just briefly. I am feeling particularly emotional. Like, I'm gonna cry at the drop of a hat (and have done.) Well, there was no actual hat dropping, but you get the meaning. Perhaps it has to do with the recent loss of a friend of mine. A friend whom I had just reconnected with after many years out of touch. A friend who found me again, and when we saw each other, it was as if not a day had passed. We were 16 again, and best friends. She looked beautiful as ever. Stunning, in fact. Despite the fact that she now had stage 4 breast cancer. She pooh-poohed her diagnosis and said she was doing very well. (And she looked great, so I believed her). But, she was lying. I didn't know it at the time. We made plans to get together again. Get the husbands together, etc., but plans fell through. My son got sick and I had to keep him home from daycare one time, another time, she had to go in for a treatment. Another time family came to visit unexpectedly, and so on. Our plans kept getting diverted. But we talked over email and phone. I didn't think much of it when I didn't hear from her for a couple of weeks. She said she was going on a short trip and would call me when she got back in to town. Instead, in the beginning of August, I received an email from her husband, saying, Sam had succumbed to her disease, and was gone....

I was shocked. I didn't know how to feel. I went on with work and with taking care of a toddler. I wrote back to ask about a service if there was to be one, and didn't get a response. I waited a few weeks. Then I emailed again, and finally, yesterday, I spoke to Sam's husband, and got every detail of her last days. They were not pretty. And I had no idea. And I wasn't there. And... Sam being Sam: Beautiful (and not a little bit vain, and proud, and stubborn), according to her husband did not tell ANY of their friends about her illness.

Just me.

So today we decided to go to church as a family for the first time since HM was born. We've been talking about it and talking about it and finally just said, let's do it.

I don't know if it was the familiar childhood memories of church and all that that conjures up, I don't know if I was feeling emotional being in the "presence of God" after so long, I don't know if it's because I've got a lot of anger at God that's been building up over the last 5 years or so, or if I am just experiencing REALLY BAD PMS, or, if I finally am starting to let out the grief of losing a friend. But I just couldn't hold back the tears. And still can't. It's like a flood gate has opened.