Still Don't Know What to Say, Except, Thank You.

Thank you, everyone for the outpouring of love and support. I can't tell you how much it has meant to me and how it was truly, viscerally, felt from over here. It was like a big, warm blanket of support being wrapped around me that no one else could see, but that I could feel. Bless you. Thank you, Mel, for making the call to circle the wagons. I am touched.

I don't have any ground breaking news to report on the topic of our "no more babies" dilemma. But, things have gotten better between Mister and myself since I wrote that last post. Maybe because I have been just somewhat numb over the whole thing. It's just too much to deal with in big chunks, so I am sort of breaking off pieces one at a time when I am mentally ready. And, lately, I've been so involved with work (I just survived my biggest event of the year this past Sunday--and I'm still recovering) that I have been able to avert my focus, to some degree.

I've been trying to look around corners, for the good things, the positive things, even seeking out any small sign of better times, or better luck on the horizon. Otherwise, I will go insane. Because, it does sort of seem like the bad luck (financially at least) just keeps flowing this way, and I am in a sort of state of disbelief and dismissiveness (is that a word?). I just sort of shrug my shoulders and say, "really?! Okay. Whatever..." Like the other day, when the latest bad news tidbit came rolling down on us: We found out that Baby Boy's health insurance (through Mister's new company) was not going to cost us around $80.00 per month as they had quoted, but $400.00. Whaaa???!! Yeah, seriously. At this point, though I could cry, (and do) I have to chuckle too. It's crazy. So, aside from trying to figure out what The Universe is trying to teach us with all of this crap, we are just plodding along. I wake up each day and just try to think about that. day. Not next week, next month, or next year. Because that's what starts the panic setting in. That's when the heart starts racing and the palms get sweaty. And I try not to go into the past, either. Like thinking about how long its actually been since we actually first threw out the birth control, or like how long it's been since I actually was pregnant that one time, or, what it felt like (briefly) to be pregnant, or....(the list goes on and on). If I start going down that road, the depression and the tears start. So, living in the present is my new challenge, and intention. And sometimes, it's hour to hour, or minute to minute. But, it is working (for now). Just don't ask me to start thinking about the future. I can't right now.

I have had several very vivid dreams recently about being in labor, being pregnant or breastfeeding. But I am trying not to read anything into it. It just is. Sometimes, I think to myself, "maybe in my next life?" And, that doesn't make me feel deliriously happy, but it doesn't throw me into depression either. It's a sort of neutral thought that I can handle right now.

I am trying to think about what other things I might like to do with my life. I mean, since my "perfect dream" has not come true, and so many of the things I thought I would have, be and do, have not really come to fruition, I am trying to think of what else I might want for myself--so that I might change my focus. I can't keep banging my head up against this brick wall of infertility. I am a mother. I love my son. He is awesome. And, on the good luck/bad luck scale, getting to be his mom is a huge weight on the lucky side of the scales. So, I have to remember that, thank my lucky stars, and move on. Mother to one, and one only? Not what I had planned, but...okay*. So what else do I want then? If not more children, what? Maybe being a mother to one means I will have more time in the coming years of my life to pursue something else that will become really important to me.

I just have to figure out what that is.

In the meantime, I am looking under the couch cushions for spare change, and looking through the fabric of my Reality for and kind of change.

*(I haven't 100% completely given up on the hope that it "might happen" for us one day, but I can't pin all my hopes on that anymore, either).

Because I Don't Want to Talk About It

That's why I haven't written anything lately.

It's just too big, too huge, too hard to put into words. And, I have been trying not to think about it too much, so that I can just function like a normal person.

But here it is.

No more children. No more chances. No more tries.

At least that's what my husband so blithely, so calmly said, several weeks ago. He just casually dropped it into conversation, that "Most likely Handsome Man will be our only child." My heart dropped to the floor like an elevator cut from its cable. But I tried to stay calm. Further conversation revealed that my husband HAD DECIDED that there were just no funds for any further fertility treatment. It's true. Our financial situation is still pretty bleak. My husband and his business partner DID end up owing money after they closed the business (another thing I just get too angry to talk about), I DO owe money on last year's taxes, this HAS been a shitty year for my business due to the economy, and Mister did NOT get the raise he was hoping for at his three month review. We ARE in a lot of debt already, and Mister is saying that he just does not see how, within the next couple of years, we will be able to take on any more debt. And, he stated, by the time we can afford fertility treatments, or even another adoption, he'll be in his 40's and, he said, he doesn't want another baby when he's in his 40's.

Ok...

I know, when I use the logical half of me to dissect this that most of what he is saying is totally true. We aren't in a financial position to afford treatment right now. And, like my husband also said, it would be irresponsible of us to get ourselves into more, really deep debt right now--to 'borrow from our future'. It would not only be irresponsible for the two of us, but it would be wrong for our son. We would be borrowing from his future, too. We want what is the best for him, of course. We want for him to not have to live in this tiny, crappy little house forever, we want for him to be able to go to good schools. We want him to go to college. And, we want to be able to provide for all of these things. And, we certainly won't be able to if we are so far into debt that we're paying it off for the rest of our lives.

Then there's the emotional side of me. The side of me that said, "Well, we just have to find a way to include some sort of fertility treatments into our budget, we just have to!"

To which my husband replied, "That's what you say. That's what you think, but no, we don't HAVE to."

I think that's pretty much where the conversation ended. He is not willing to negotiate. And I feel like the rug has just been completely pulled out from underneath me. I remember promises made, that we would try to make MY dream (because, I realize now, it is not Mister's dream) of having a baby a reality. I believe the words, "whatever it takes" were once used. Now, I am feeling like there has been a bait and switch.

I have been so angry, so despondent. I can't even describe the way I feel, though. I have been very silent about all of this. Who would understand? After nearly 5 years of marriage, I think most people assume by now that me ever being pregnant is just not going to happen. No one wants to hear about my feelings. Least of all Mister. In one of our most recent arguments, he stated that I make everything "all about me," that I am "always talking about my feelings," and that I "never give any consideration to his feelings." Well, if he has any feelings about this, I wouldn't know because he really doesn't talk about them. And, I have kept my mouth firmly shut ever since our Big Talk because, all I will end up talking about would be my feelings, and, he doesn't want to hear about it.

Again, I know Mister is being the logical one. I know he is looking out for our future and our son's future. But I can't help but feel angry (there I go, talking about my emotions, again!) and it has been really hard for me, these past several weeks, to get through the anger and the resentment and get to the place in my heart where the love lives. I know in my mind that I love my husband very much. But, there is the big, heavy, damp blanket lying over all of that right now. I feel like the last dream I had for my life has been taken away from me. I have had a lot of dreams, dreams that I've let go one by one as I've gotten older. We all do, to some degree....we have to, right? We have to make choices, and choose paths, and that sometimes means we have to say goodbye to the path we didn't take, and the dreams it held for us. But this was the last big dream. And, I'm not sure I'm ready to say goodbye:

My son will be an only child.
I will never be pregnant.
I will never have a daughter.

Why???

And, see, now, there I go... crying. I'm sobbing as I write this, and I've pretty much avoided that for the last several weeks, because I just didn't talk about it. I kept it tucked away down in my gut. But now it's out. I really wish I didn't have to feel this right now. It hurts. A lot.

Quiet

I know it's been very quiet lately over here in my corner of the blogosphere. It's not that there's nothing going on, or a dearth of things to write about. Actually, it's quite the opposite. There have been a lot of things going on in my little world, and I've been processing, processing, processing... I guess I just haven't been quite ready to "talk" about it.

So, I will talk about other stuff for now.

I know I misspelled "Etiquette" in my last post. I guess spellcheck doesn't check the spelling of the actual post titles. Oops.

Thanks for all the responses to that post, too. And for all of you that answered, NO! I was not talking about you. Silly. You guys are the best. I will probably take the advice some of you offered and just drop some of those blogs. They are probably people who write for the sake of writing/journaling but don't really need to be part of an online "community." Or, hey, they're just too busy. That's fine.

Speaking of busy, I've been busy too. August is my busiest work month for some reason this year. So, that could be part of the reason for my silence.

Also, I've been sick. A lot. I have been quite afflicted recently, and it's been sapping my energy. I am still trying to get "cured" for an ear infection that I've already taken two courses of antibiotics for. My eardrum ruptured and I've been deaf in one ear for about 3 weeks now. I keep having to go back to the doctor and it is really really annoying.

I am waiting for some things to return to "normal"--the health issues and for work to slow down a bit, and I promise, I will write more soon. Maybe even tomorrow (my day off) if I can summon the energy, and if Handsome Man will take a long nap. ;0) That is, if anyone is still interested....

Blogosphere Ettiquite

If there is a Miss Manners for the blogging world, then I have a question for her.

I read quite a few blogs. Lately, I've been reading more of the adoption/parenting after adoption blogs than the trying to conceive blogs. I think it is because I can relate better to the adoption blogs than to the ones who are in treatment. I have a few bloggie buddies who are in treatment that I still follow, because I really want to see how things turn out and I am rooting for them, but I'll be honest, in general, it's difficult to read about the women who seem to be able to follow through with cycle after cycle until they reach their pot of gold, when I can't do anything in the treatment department right now. It's frustrating. Being on the bench is hard when you really want to play in the game, and watching other people throw the ball back and forth makes me jealous.

Anyway, to my question. On these several blogs I am reading, and have been reading for months and months, I often will leave comments. (As, I believe, is part of what this whole blogging community is about, no?) Ok. None, and I mean NONE of these people ever, ever leave comments on my blog. Ever. What does this mean? In fact, there is one blog in particular that I have been following for the past 2 years, through her trying to conceive, and now into the adoption process; I have left many a comment over the years, and not one drive by on my blog. So, this could mean many things, but I am not sure which. Help me out, if you will....

1. My blog is boring as shit and no one wants to read it.
2. They don't know who the hell I am and see me as a weird interloper/stalker.
3. They really don't appreciate my comments and think I am an idiot.
4. I have said something offensive? (I never would purposely, but gosh, who knows?)
5. There is something about my blog or what I write about or my situation in general that offends them, or they just can't relate to.
6. I am being way overly sensitive. (As I am wont to do in real life as well).

Assvice welcome.

Lori! and Luna! and Mel! Oh my!

As you may know, the BlogHer conference was held this past weekend in San Francsico. Well, had I had my act together I would have actually attended this conference, but for some reason it wasn't on my radar until a couple of weeks ago--and by then the registration was closed. Bummer. The main reason I wanted to go was not because I consider myself a big-time blogger, or beacause I wanted to be up on the latest blogging hot topics, but because I really wanted to meet some of these people that I had made connections with through the blogosphere face-to-face. Not to be daunted by not being able to attend, I connected with the lovely Lori, who kept me informed of various goings-on and I arranged to meet up with her for a quick drinkie after the close of the conference on Saturday. Much to my delight, when I waltzed into the lobby of the Westin St. Francis hotel, I immediately recognized Lori sitting in the lobby. Even better was that she was surrounded by other bloggers--so I got to meet the gorgeous Luna and Mel and Mel's adorable husband. How can I express what it was like to meet these women? I am embarrassed to say that meeting Mel was for me a bit like meeting a celebrity. But it wasn't so much that I was star-struck. I was grateful-struck. Emotion-struck. Like, "Hi, you don't know me, but you have no idea how much you mean to me. How much you mean to all of us, thank you! Thank you!" But, you know what is so amazing about these women? Even though I didn't know any of them, I was immediately embraced as if I was an old friend. I was immediately brought into the fold. I can't tell you what it was like to bask in the warmth of Mel's presence, even if it was only for a few moments, as she and Josh had to run off to the airport. Mel is a powerhouse. And Luna! How gorgeous and warm and just like an old friend I'd never even met or knew I had. Which I know doesn't make any sense, but it does. It was the same with Lori. Lori, Luna and I decided to share a drink in the lobby bar, and it was so wonderful to be in the midst of women who *get it*. What a wonderful feeling to feel understood. Finally. For me, it was like sinking into a very hot tub after walking all day through the snow in bare feet.

I regret we didn't snap a photo. But, I don't think it even occurred to us since we were so busy gabbing. I felt like the conversation and the exchanging of experiences--though not all identical, still a common, shared experience, in its own way--was like finally eating a hearty, delicious meal, after being so hungry for so long. The only thing you can concentrate on is the eating, getting the nourishment into your body as quickly as possible, but still realizing how good it tastes as it's going in. Comfort, nourishment, the cessation of hunger, joy. I imagine that was what it was like on a much bigger level for the rest of the girls who actually attended the conference--and I'm sorry I missed it. But I'm so happy I was able to make the connections that I did. I felt so good afterwards. I am still feeling nourished from the experience.

More Hours in the Day, Please!

It seems like I never have time to post, which is really odd right now, cos I have some time off. Well, not totally off--I still have work things to do. (Did I mention how unbelievably behind I am on everything right now?) But I don't have any actual events until the very end of this month. You'd think I'd be doing a whole lot of relaxing and catching up on things. Well, every day my to-do list is so long and there are so many projects I want to start--it's like I have ADD. The day goes by so fast and I'm lucky if I've gotten a few things checked off my list.

But, there it is. Hoping to catch up on some more stuff at the office and get all organized and sh*t by the end of this week. Then, tackle some home projects next week. Mostly, clearing out the garage, deciding what to keep/what to get rid of, and having a big garage sale! (Oh, yeah, and I also want to install a new closet system in our bedroom, paint the bedroom, and move the furniture.) Ha. We'll see what I can get accomplished. Today I barely made it through sorting through my (over-flowing) home and office "in-boxes". Oy.

Something's Gotta Give...

Sorry, this is a long one...

The past couple of weeks are ones that I do not wish to re-live. Believe me. The good news is that things are starting to return to "normal" (whatever that means).

A brief review:
June 16th: Mister went to the ER in the evening with pain in the right side.
June 17th: Mister brought into surgery. I brought HM up to daycare early in the morning, rushed on over to the hospital to see Mister before they brought him in for surgery. I waited until surgery was finished--the surgeon came out to the waiting room to let me know everything was fine. I rushed around for the next 2 hours while he was still in recovery to get some things accomplished. I had to cancel all my appointments for the week--and had to go rent a GIGANTIC SUV so that I would be able to go to the flower market with HM the next morning. See, I can't bring HM to daycare at 4:00 in the morning (which is when I need to leave for the flower market) . I can bring him with me, but not in my cargo van (no back seat for a child safety seat). I could go to the flower market in my regular car (a Je.tta) but no possible way I could fit all my flowers and vases and stuff in there. So, gigantic SUV.

Went back to hospital to see Mister once he came out of recovery (looking very washed out and sort of green). I sat there working on my lists for the market for the next day until it was time to go pick up HM from daycare. Brought HM by the hospital for a quick visit, then home for dinner, bath and bedtime.

HM woke up SCREAMING at about midnight--probably confused and upset about Daddy being somewhere else. (Was it a bad idea to bring him to the hospital. It was probably confusing seeing him with tubes and wires everywhere). I brought HM into bed with me, which meant that I did not get any sleep that night. My alarm went off at 4:00 and off we went to the market.

Wed., 6/18: Going to the flower market and trying to get all my shopping done with a toddler in a stroller is not a very easy feat.

Made it back home around 9:00--had to change and feed the boy. All I wanted to do was to drop him off at daycare (after I dropped the flowers off at the work studio to be processed) so that I could go home and get a couple of precious hours of sleep!

Guess what! No one was there at daycare when I got there!! They were off on some sort of outing and no one bothered to call me or leave me a note. Even thought they knew what was going on with Mister being in the hospital and that I had had to take HM to the market. I almost lost it. I called and left them a message. They called 2 hours later, and I schlepped him back to daycare...thankfully.

Thursday, 6/19: Mister was released from the hospital...and since they had to cut him open to remove his appendix (they can often do it with a laparoscopy--but in his case could not) he had 4 staples in his abdomen, and was on strict bedrest and a special liquids-only diet. So, I then had 2 babies to take care of. Poor Mister was still in a lot of pain. He had to sleep on the fold out couch because it would be too hard for him to sleep next to me on the bed (I move around a lot). Under no circumstances was he allowed to pick up anything over 2 pounds. Which included our son.

So. That week was hard. Go, go go go. Luckily, my sister came up from San Jose that Saturday (6/21) to watch HM so that I could go set up the wedding that day. I also had to work on Sunday and Monday, (I had an event on Monday 6/23) but luckily was able to delegate a lot of stuff on Sunday so that I could just go into the office for a couple of hours. Monday, I was able to take HM into daycare even though it was not a day he usually goes. The rest of that week was hard because Mister was still on limited activity. Still not allowed to drive, etc. With no day off in between, I had to gear up for 3 weddings and worked my butt off all this past week. Happily Mister was cleared as of last Thursday to drive and resume light activity/lifting so he took HM out to Lodi to spend the weekend with his parents so that I could work and come and go as I pleased through the weekend. I worked my butt off through the weekend. Phew! I got it all done, the weddings all looked great. But, oh my--you should see my hands. Gross. And I was T-I-R-E-D. Nothing like 2 weeks of sleep deprivation to make me coo-coo. Mister was keeping his distance. Luckily, I got some decent sleep the past couple of nights, and I am feeling normal again.

Mister is now back to work.

I am looking around the house and surveying the damage. It looks like a bomb went off in here. I don't even know where to start.

Oy vey.

This whole experience has made me realize a couple of things.

1. I don't know how other people do this (this whole raising children and working thing) with out lots of family near by to help. I felt so isolated and alone and desperate through this whole ordeal. Mister's Mom was in Italy with friends the first week that Mister was in the hospital. My mom lives an hour away, but is too frail to really be much help. She does not want to drive on her own. My sister also lives an hour away, and thankfully she came up that one Saturday to help, but she works very full time and during the week I was really on my own.

2. I am so not ready for another baby right now. Not with things the way they are. What on earth would I have done if I had TWO kids to take care of while all of this was going on? That doesn't mean I don't want to have another baby. I definitely do. But, I cannot do it while working the hours and intensity I do now. Something has got to give. Big time. All it takes is one little thing (HM gets sick and has to stay home from daycare, I get sick, or Mister gets sick) and POW! our lives are thrown into such a maelstrom that it almost takes me to the breaking point. I was totally overwhelmed and stressed these past two weeks, and I'm honestly not sure how we all made it through. But, illness, accidents and all sorts of things happen. That's life, and if there's no room in our lives (because both parents work like we both do) then life is always going to be a series of one chaotic event after another. I want some stability and some room to breath. I want there to be a stable anchor when our family ship is getting tossed about in a storm. Someone has to be that anchor. Someone has to be here. And I feel like it should be me.

So, what does that mean?

Well, Mister and I have been talking about it a lot.

Next year I am going to run my business differently. Thanks to Mister's new job (and please God it continues to go well) my income is not AS important as it used to be. Yes, we still need it at the moment, but once we get out from under some more of this debt (we're getting there!) then we could probably live on one income just fine.

That doesn't mean I don't want to keep working. I just want to work less. A lot less.

So, I am going to take a HUUUUUGE leap of faith. I am going to raise my minimum for events next year. Really raise it. And only do a maximum of one event per week. And, since I am raising my minimum to a pretty large amount, it will most likely mean that I won't be booked every single weekend. Which is fine. Which means that I get to spend some time with my family during the summer. It means we can spend some time doing things during the summer like camping, road trips, visiting family, going on picnics. Play dates. Normal family stuff.

And, if we go forward with IVF--there's no way I could do it as stressed and tired as I am now. There has to be more room--a lot more room--in our lives to be able to go forward with such a huge step. I need to be rested, whole, healthy. I need to have time to cook healthy meals and take care of my body. (And it will feel really good to do so for HM and Mister and feel like I am taking good care of my family, too.)

It makes me feel almost weepy just thinking about it. I have been so stressed out and overworked the past couple of years. I am almost at the point of being totally burnt-out and not caring any more. Which is not where I want to be. If I am going to do my job, I want to do it well. And giving a shit really helps.

It's not that I'm not thankful for how freakishly busy my business was in 2006 and 2007. It afforded us a lot of things. There's no way we would have been able to do our adoption if I hadn't been working so much and made the money that I made. I wonder if it wasn't all part of a Higher Plan that I was totally ignorant of at the time.

But now, things need to shift. I am ready for the next phase of my life to start. For the past very many years, I have been in the work phase. My focus (aside from trying to conceive) has been on building my career. Now, I have a son---and hopefully (please God) we will add to our family--and I am ready for the next phase to begin. The next phase of my life is the family phase. The mommy phase. My work will be there to help support and enrich our lives. Not diminish it or suck the joy out of it.

Do you think it is possible?