Blogosphere Ettiquite

If there is a Miss Manners for the blogging world, then I have a question for her.

I read quite a few blogs. Lately, I've been reading more of the adoption/parenting after adoption blogs than the trying to conceive blogs. I think it is because I can relate better to the adoption blogs than to the ones who are in treatment. I have a few bloggie buddies who are in treatment that I still follow, because I really want to see how things turn out and I am rooting for them, but I'll be honest, in general, it's difficult to read about the women who seem to be able to follow through with cycle after cycle until they reach their pot of gold, when I can't do anything in the treatment department right now. It's frustrating. Being on the bench is hard when you really want to play in the game, and watching other people throw the ball back and forth makes me jealous.

Anyway, to my question. On these several blogs I am reading, and have been reading for months and months, I often will leave comments. (As, I believe, is part of what this whole blogging community is about, no?) Ok. None, and I mean NONE of these people ever, ever leave comments on my blog. Ever. What does this mean? In fact, there is one blog in particular that I have been following for the past 2 years, through her trying to conceive, and now into the adoption process; I have left many a comment over the years, and not one drive by on my blog. So, this could mean many things, but I am not sure which. Help me out, if you will....

1. My blog is boring as shit and no one wants to read it.
2. They don't know who the hell I am and see me as a weird interloper/stalker.
3. They really don't appreciate my comments and think I am an idiot.
4. I have said something offensive? (I never would purposely, but gosh, who knows?)
5. There is something about my blog or what I write about or my situation in general that offends them, or they just can't relate to.
6. I am being way overly sensitive. (As I am wont to do in real life as well).

Assvice welcome.

Lori! and Luna! and Mel! Oh my!

As you may know, the BlogHer conference was held this past weekend in San Francsico. Well, had I had my act together I would have actually attended this conference, but for some reason it wasn't on my radar until a couple of weeks ago--and by then the registration was closed. Bummer. The main reason I wanted to go was not because I consider myself a big-time blogger, or beacause I wanted to be up on the latest blogging hot topics, but because I really wanted to meet some of these people that I had made connections with through the blogosphere face-to-face. Not to be daunted by not being able to attend, I connected with the lovely Lori, who kept me informed of various goings-on and I arranged to meet up with her for a quick drinkie after the close of the conference on Saturday. Much to my delight, when I waltzed into the lobby of the Westin St. Francis hotel, I immediately recognized Lori sitting in the lobby. Even better was that she was surrounded by other bloggers--so I got to meet the gorgeous Luna and Mel and Mel's adorable husband. How can I express what it was like to meet these women? I am embarrassed to say that meeting Mel was for me a bit like meeting a celebrity. But it wasn't so much that I was star-struck. I was grateful-struck. Emotion-struck. Like, "Hi, you don't know me, but you have no idea how much you mean to me. How much you mean to all of us, thank you! Thank you!" But, you know what is so amazing about these women? Even though I didn't know any of them, I was immediately embraced as if I was an old friend. I was immediately brought into the fold. I can't tell you what it was like to bask in the warmth of Mel's presence, even if it was only for a few moments, as she and Josh had to run off to the airport. Mel is a powerhouse. And Luna! How gorgeous and warm and just like an old friend I'd never even met or knew I had. Which I know doesn't make any sense, but it does. It was the same with Lori. Lori, Luna and I decided to share a drink in the lobby bar, and it was so wonderful to be in the midst of women who *get it*. What a wonderful feeling to feel understood. Finally. For me, it was like sinking into a very hot tub after walking all day through the snow in bare feet.

I regret we didn't snap a photo. But, I don't think it even occurred to us since we were so busy gabbing. I felt like the conversation and the exchanging of experiences--though not all identical, still a common, shared experience, in its own way--was like finally eating a hearty, delicious meal, after being so hungry for so long. The only thing you can concentrate on is the eating, getting the nourishment into your body as quickly as possible, but still realizing how good it tastes as it's going in. Comfort, nourishment, the cessation of hunger, joy. I imagine that was what it was like on a much bigger level for the rest of the girls who actually attended the conference--and I'm sorry I missed it. But I'm so happy I was able to make the connections that I did. I felt so good afterwards. I am still feeling nourished from the experience.

More Hours in the Day, Please!

It seems like I never have time to post, which is really odd right now, cos I have some time off. Well, not totally off--I still have work things to do. (Did I mention how unbelievably behind I am on everything right now?) But I don't have any actual events until the very end of this month. You'd think I'd be doing a whole lot of relaxing and catching up on things. Well, every day my to-do list is so long and there are so many projects I want to start--it's like I have ADD. The day goes by so fast and I'm lucky if I've gotten a few things checked off my list.

But, there it is. Hoping to catch up on some more stuff at the office and get all organized and sh*t by the end of this week. Then, tackle some home projects next week. Mostly, clearing out the garage, deciding what to keep/what to get rid of, and having a big garage sale! (Oh, yeah, and I also want to install a new closet system in our bedroom, paint the bedroom, and move the furniture.) Ha. We'll see what I can get accomplished. Today I barely made it through sorting through my (over-flowing) home and office "in-boxes". Oy.

Something's Gotta Give...

Sorry, this is a long one...

The past couple of weeks are ones that I do not wish to re-live. Believe me. The good news is that things are starting to return to "normal" (whatever that means).

A brief review:
June 16th: Mister went to the ER in the evening with pain in the right side.
June 17th: Mister brought into surgery. I brought HM up to daycare early in the morning, rushed on over to the hospital to see Mister before they brought him in for surgery. I waited until surgery was finished--the surgeon came out to the waiting room to let me know everything was fine. I rushed around for the next 2 hours while he was still in recovery to get some things accomplished. I had to cancel all my appointments for the week--and had to go rent a GIGANTIC SUV so that I would be able to go to the flower market with HM the next morning. See, I can't bring HM to daycare at 4:00 in the morning (which is when I need to leave for the flower market) . I can bring him with me, but not in my cargo van (no back seat for a child safety seat). I could go to the flower market in my regular car (a Je.tta) but no possible way I could fit all my flowers and vases and stuff in there. So, gigantic SUV.

Went back to hospital to see Mister once he came out of recovery (looking very washed out and sort of green). I sat there working on my lists for the market for the next day until it was time to go pick up HM from daycare. Brought HM by the hospital for a quick visit, then home for dinner, bath and bedtime.

HM woke up SCREAMING at about midnight--probably confused and upset about Daddy being somewhere else. (Was it a bad idea to bring him to the hospital. It was probably confusing seeing him with tubes and wires everywhere). I brought HM into bed with me, which meant that I did not get any sleep that night. My alarm went off at 4:00 and off we went to the market.

Wed., 6/18: Going to the flower market and trying to get all my shopping done with a toddler in a stroller is not a very easy feat.

Made it back home around 9:00--had to change and feed the boy. All I wanted to do was to drop him off at daycare (after I dropped the flowers off at the work studio to be processed) so that I could go home and get a couple of precious hours of sleep!

Guess what! No one was there at daycare when I got there!! They were off on some sort of outing and no one bothered to call me or leave me a note. Even thought they knew what was going on with Mister being in the hospital and that I had had to take HM to the market. I almost lost it. I called and left them a message. They called 2 hours later, and I schlepped him back to daycare...thankfully.

Thursday, 6/19: Mister was released from the hospital...and since they had to cut him open to remove his appendix (they can often do it with a laparoscopy--but in his case could not) he had 4 staples in his abdomen, and was on strict bedrest and a special liquids-only diet. So, I then had 2 babies to take care of. Poor Mister was still in a lot of pain. He had to sleep on the fold out couch because it would be too hard for him to sleep next to me on the bed (I move around a lot). Under no circumstances was he allowed to pick up anything over 2 pounds. Which included our son.

So. That week was hard. Go, go go go. Luckily, my sister came up from San Jose that Saturday (6/21) to watch HM so that I could go set up the wedding that day. I also had to work on Sunday and Monday, (I had an event on Monday 6/23) but luckily was able to delegate a lot of stuff on Sunday so that I could just go into the office for a couple of hours. Monday, I was able to take HM into daycare even though it was not a day he usually goes. The rest of that week was hard because Mister was still on limited activity. Still not allowed to drive, etc. With no day off in between, I had to gear up for 3 weddings and worked my butt off all this past week. Happily Mister was cleared as of last Thursday to drive and resume light activity/lifting so he took HM out to Lodi to spend the weekend with his parents so that I could work and come and go as I pleased through the weekend. I worked my butt off through the weekend. Phew! I got it all done, the weddings all looked great. But, oh my--you should see my hands. Gross. And I was T-I-R-E-D. Nothing like 2 weeks of sleep deprivation to make me coo-coo. Mister was keeping his distance. Luckily, I got some decent sleep the past couple of nights, and I am feeling normal again.

Mister is now back to work.

I am looking around the house and surveying the damage. It looks like a bomb went off in here. I don't even know where to start.

Oy vey.

This whole experience has made me realize a couple of things.

1. I don't know how other people do this (this whole raising children and working thing) with out lots of family near by to help. I felt so isolated and alone and desperate through this whole ordeal. Mister's Mom was in Italy with friends the first week that Mister was in the hospital. My mom lives an hour away, but is too frail to really be much help. She does not want to drive on her own. My sister also lives an hour away, and thankfully she came up that one Saturday to help, but she works very full time and during the week I was really on my own.

2. I am so not ready for another baby right now. Not with things the way they are. What on earth would I have done if I had TWO kids to take care of while all of this was going on? That doesn't mean I don't want to have another baby. I definitely do. But, I cannot do it while working the hours and intensity I do now. Something has got to give. Big time. All it takes is one little thing (HM gets sick and has to stay home from daycare, I get sick, or Mister gets sick) and POW! our lives are thrown into such a maelstrom that it almost takes me to the breaking point. I was totally overwhelmed and stressed these past two weeks, and I'm honestly not sure how we all made it through. But, illness, accidents and all sorts of things happen. That's life, and if there's no room in our lives (because both parents work like we both do) then life is always going to be a series of one chaotic event after another. I want some stability and some room to breath. I want there to be a stable anchor when our family ship is getting tossed about in a storm. Someone has to be that anchor. Someone has to be here. And I feel like it should be me.

So, what does that mean?

Well, Mister and I have been talking about it a lot.

Next year I am going to run my business differently. Thanks to Mister's new job (and please God it continues to go well) my income is not AS important as it used to be. Yes, we still need it at the moment, but once we get out from under some more of this debt (we're getting there!) then we could probably live on one income just fine.

That doesn't mean I don't want to keep working. I just want to work less. A lot less.

So, I am going to take a HUUUUUGE leap of faith. I am going to raise my minimum for events next year. Really raise it. And only do a maximum of one event per week. And, since I am raising my minimum to a pretty large amount, it will most likely mean that I won't be booked every single weekend. Which is fine. Which means that I get to spend some time with my family during the summer. It means we can spend some time doing things during the summer like camping, road trips, visiting family, going on picnics. Play dates. Normal family stuff.

And, if we go forward with IVF--there's no way I could do it as stressed and tired as I am now. There has to be more room--a lot more room--in our lives to be able to go forward with such a huge step. I need to be rested, whole, healthy. I need to have time to cook healthy meals and take care of my body. (And it will feel really good to do so for HM and Mister and feel like I am taking good care of my family, too.)

It makes me feel almost weepy just thinking about it. I have been so stressed out and overworked the past couple of years. I am almost at the point of being totally burnt-out and not caring any more. Which is not where I want to be. If I am going to do my job, I want to do it well. And giving a shit really helps.

It's not that I'm not thankful for how freakishly busy my business was in 2006 and 2007. It afforded us a lot of things. There's no way we would have been able to do our adoption if I hadn't been working so much and made the money that I made. I wonder if it wasn't all part of a Higher Plan that I was totally ignorant of at the time.

But now, things need to shift. I am ready for the next phase of my life to start. For the past very many years, I have been in the work phase. My focus (aside from trying to conceive) has been on building my career. Now, I have a son---and hopefully (please God) we will add to our family--and I am ready for the next phase to begin. The next phase of my life is the family phase. The mommy phase. My work will be there to help support and enrich our lives. Not diminish it or suck the joy out of it.

Do you think it is possible?

Damn Vestigial Organs!!

...And I'm not talking about my useless ovaries! (ha, ha).

Mister went into the ER last night with abdominal pain. Pain we hoped was just something in the "I pulled a muscle at the gym" type category. We wanted to rule out an appendicitis.

They ruled it in.

He had surgery this morning. Unfortunately, he's gonna be in the hospital for a couple of days and laid up pretty much for a week or so afterwards.

I won't go in to all the ways in which this makes my life extra super crazy hectic--because really the one suffering here is poor Mister.

Keep your fingers crossed for a speedy recover. We need to catch a break over here!

Comfortably Numb

I know I haven't been a very active blogger recently. Part of it is that I am fully entrenched in my busy season with work. Another part of it is that when I'm not working, I am really concentrating on being with my family. Or, if I get a moment alone, resting--and that includes resting my brain. So less blogging, more just--me. Being me. Whatever that is. And, there's another part. I'm in a very in-between place. Usually, I turn to the blogosphere when I am feeling down, frustrated, depressed, angry. When Infertility has me under its thumb. Conversely, I like to post when I actually have something momentous or exciting to talk about. Right now, neither is the case. I am feeling just...hmm?...there. I'm there. Not much to say. I think I have turned a corner in a way in the Infertility department. Not that anything has changed with my actual fertility. More like, how I feel about it. The grief and sadness and anger toward the Fertile World has just become too much to bear. I can't keep carrying it around. I'm just starting to feel like, 'people have babies. Well, most people do. Mostly without trying too hard. Then there's me.' And I'm not gnashing my teeth and rending my garments as I say this to myself, it's more like...acceptance? Well, maybe not acceptance. Not fully, because I still hate the fact that I'm infertile. But more like Resignation. I am resigned to the fact that I am infertile.

A year ++ ago I was reaching for whatever strand of hope I could grasp. Any new thing I could do or try to change my infertility. I read The In.fert.ility Cu.re and Incon.ceivable and was sure that all I needed to do was change my diet and get acupuncture. Then I would most certainly get pregnant. I read other (hippy-dippy) books that told me I only needed to ask the Universe for what I wanted, complete with detailed steps on how to change my thinking patterns to be more 'open' to 'receiving' what was already waiting for me. Surely, if I just changed my thinking patterns--became 'unblocked' my dreams would come true.

Now I have come to feel in my heart that all of that was just my way of furthering my denial. Grief is a process and denial is part of it. Bargaining with God is also part of it, and I have done plenty of that, too.

Now I am coming to accept that sometimes when you pray, the answer is still, 'No.'

So, everyone, I have an announcement to make: "I'm infertile. Whoop-de-doo!"

I have noticed I am less upset at every pregnant woman I see. I no longer feel like a 10" knife is being shoved into my heart.

I still feel a bit of jealousy, but I am able to at least half-smile to myself about it.

I still feel a little bit of anger, and wonder why not me (or, why me?). But, I just shrug and think, "oh well..."

I have bigger things on my plate right now. Like, how to be a good mom to Handsome Man. I love him so much. How could I have ever dreamed of such a wonderful son? (I guess I should have said that sometimes when you pray, the answer is still 'yes', only it is not how/when/the way you were expecting. If that's true, I wonder, isn't it a waste not to appreciate the gift, and keep asking for something that might not happen the exact way you wanted?)

I am also wondering how to get myself back. I am tired most of the time. And, I've been not so interested in the things I used to be so interested in. I guess you could say if I am feeling anything close to the anger and frustration I used to feel about infertility it is more that I am SO angry at the years IF has taken away from me. It's like my life has kept on going, but I have been somewhere else. I have been in hell, while life, friends, family, love, and many beautiful things kept on going. Also, while other people may have been hurting for their own reasons, or needing a friend, I have not been there, because of IF. I have not been able to see around my own fence. I have been totally removed from me. The caring, concerned friend. Gone. Where is she? Too jealous of my friends' abilities to procreate, to be around and participate in their lives.

That's not to say that plenty of my friends have not done a very good job themselves of alienating me. Few of my friends ever took the time to learn about my diagnosis, or what happens when people go through infertility, or what some of the treatments are. And, there are at least a couple of people I have decided I just can't be friends with anymore because of some of the hurtful (or just plain stupid) things they have said. But, I am also coming to realize, that that is just human nature. If I had not gone through this infertility crap, I probably would be just as insensitive as some others, without meaning to be--just out of plain ignorance.

I just want my life back.

And I am less focused on trying to get pregnant. I truly feel in my heart now, that (and this may seem obvious to a lot of people, but remember the denial thing being part of the grieving process?) I will never become pregnant by having sex with my husband. That sucks. Big time. But, what can I do that I haven't already done to make that happen? (And please don't send me suggestions. Chances are, I've tried it, and if I haven't, I've lost the will to keep trying new types of voodoo.)

Yes, ART may still give me that longed for pregnancy.

I had hoped it would be as simple as an IUI or two.

But, honestly, I real feel like if it's gonna happen, it's gonna be IVF.

And maybe....

Donor Eggs.

There. I said it.

I don't know yet--but we'll see. We are starting to pay off some of our debt (yay for small progress!). Mister's job is going well (he works an awful lot--but I'm used to that from the years of him running his own company). We are hoping for a raise soon? Maybe? Which would be even better. We are still waiting on the new insurance cards, which should arrive any day--and I will still pursue the Endo diagnosis/treatment.

In the meantime, instead of spending our money on Acupuncturists, herbs, and other means of denial, we will try to save our pennies toward IVF. And while we wait for that future IVF to be a reality, I just want to live this life and enjoy my son and be a good mom.

And such as it is, since I'm not currently in treatment, and I'm not really feeling like waging the continuing emotional war with IF, I have found a lot more solace in reading blogs written by other adoptive moms. At least, I can relate. I feel like we have something in common. Not that I don't have things in common with my other IF friends out there...not that I don't cheer you all on as you face IVF, IUI, ICSI, and a host of other scary acronyms... it's just that, well, I'm on the bench. And I've sort of lost interest in the game...for now. I'm sorry. I just don't feel like I have much to offer or much in common. At the moment. When I read the adoption blogs, I can get excited and feel in touch.

My focus has shifted.

So, I'm going to start talking/blogging more about my life as an adoptive mom, about Handsome Man, about our adoption experience, and a host of other things I haven't really blogged that much about. I guess I started this blog as an infertility blog--and I wanted to sort of keep that going. But (for now at least) things are different. I hope some of you will follow along. And, that's not to say I won't still want to talk about the Infertility stuff. You know how these things go--the path to resolution and acceptance is more of an ellipse than a straight course.

I'm Alive--Pictures from St Thomas

Oh hello everyone. What can I say--Bad Blogger! In case anyone still reads I thought it is certainly high time I dropped you all a line and said that I'm still here.

The St. Thomas trip was, well, how do I describe it? GRUELING. No, it was NOT a vacation. Well, Mister got some R&R, but not me. In brief: 5 events in 4 days, all of which needed florals, one of which was really 3 events in one, so if you want to be picky, it was like 7 or 8 events all together. Let's see...so many adventures. My flowers got there before me. Which meant they sat in a hot post office for a full day before they could be rescued. Once I arrived, my assistant and I spent at least half a day conditioning, hydrating and generally trying to salvage all of our flowers. Oh, and the flower prep room we were supposed to have was not available, so we were in the ballroom with the rest of the event staff, which was fine, but it meant that eventually we had to move. Move, that is, like 30 buckets of flowers, several work tables, tarps, tools, etc., to another location. Oh, then, the air conditioning broke. Yeah, that was fun. So we had to move AGAIN back to the ballroom, until the a/c was fixed. (Are you getting a feeling for what it was like yet?) Okay, then, the second half of the 1st day we were in meetings and site visits with the whole event crew and the production staff, then meetings with the Client. Day 2: make arrangements for lobby, reception area and pool deck party. Install lobby and reception area arrangements. I think I got to bed around midnight? Day 3: Start on arrangements for 'executive dinner', install pool party. I think we got in a couple of hours at the beach that day. Day 4: finish executive dinner arrangements, start arrangements for Awards Party, drive off-site to set up Executive Dinner, come back, eat dinner, stay up till midnight helping put on table cloths and seat covers for Awards Dinner. Shall I go on? It went on like that all week, culminating on the last party/event on Saturday, which was the BIG GALA PARTY that was really 3 parties in one at a venue that was (really cool) off-site from the hotel. We spent the entire day setting up that party(ies), and then, we had to stay until the party was over (midnight, again) and break it all down. By my last day there (Sunday) I was so exhausted. The owner of the event company treated us all to a snorkeling trip Sunday morning and I was so exhausted I stayed ON THE BOAT. There I was, in the Caribbean, with a chance to swim with the fish, and the HUGE TURTLES and I was so exhausted I stayed on the boat. At least I got a couple of hours in the sun.

But, it was a successful trip. I did what I was hired to do, despite some less than ideal conditions and situations. My (awesome) assistant and I certainly had our hands full, and we had to do a bit of McGueyvering to get everything accomplished with not 100% of our floral product being viable, but we did it. By the last party, I was like, "I hope nobody looks too closely at the flowers--eek!" We were pretty much talking to the flowers and begging them to just hang on for one more day!! Oh, the hilarity. I definitely learned some lessons for next time--and I guess the client was happy because they are already talking about next year. In Beijing. Lord help me.

Oh, and p.s. I NEVER want to leave my baby for that long EVER AGAIN! Don't know what I'll do if I DO go to Beijing next year. But, Mister will be staying behind for that one, so I guess if I go at least Handsome Man will have one of us. I know he was super well loved and spoiled and doted on while he was with Grandma/Grandpa, but oy! my heart just hurt leaving him like that.

When I returned home, I didn't slow down. I got back late late on Monday and the next day was back to work. I had 3 events (yes, what was I thinking?) that following weekend. And, then, last weekend, I had two events.

Needless to say, I'm exhausted and still trying to catch my breath, so I haven't been much in the mood for blogging, but I've been checking in on my buds out there. I hope you haven't all forgotten about me.

Here's some pix from the trip!

The Mardi Gras themed party:
My goofy husband dancing with a samba dancer at the Rio/Carnival themed party:


















Another floral installation at 'Havana Blue' Restaurant that we did. These were actually HUGE and we did two of them.


















There were many more events and flowers and such, but honestly I didn't take a lot of pictures I was so dang busy!!