It's All Over But the Cryin'

So I tested. It was negative, of course. Would love to hop on the wagon for IUI #2 but my O will most likely end up right on Christmas Eve or thereabouts. Not gonna work since we'll be with family and out of town. So I guess we'll be taking a forced month off. Gotta love the Holidays.

I guess this means I get to have a glass of wine tonight.

Dream a Little Dream

Last year, after my miscarriage, and after hearing from a doctor that "I would never have biological children," I went into a deep, deep depression. I was completely inconsolable. I wavered between being insanely angry at God, and deciding that there was no God, and that everything was random. And crazily unfair. The depression lasted for many many months. And there were times when, as I tried to fall asleep at night, I prayed desperately for God to take me in the night, so that I wouldn't have to wake up to face another day. The pain was just too great. And no amount of medication, therapy or prayer seemed to take it away.

Then one night, I had a dream.

Now, I am not a big "dream-analyzer." I rarely remember my dreams with any real clarity, and couldn't even tell you if I dreamt about anything at all last night (though I'm sure I did). But this dream was different. This dream was so vivid, and clear that it altered me. It was a very simple dream that didn't last very long, but it was powerful. It consisted of this: In my dream, I held a baby. I could feel the baby's warmth against my chest, I could feel the weight of the baby in my arms. I could hear the light breathing of the child, and could smell the "baby" smell that is so intoxicating. My heart was so full of love, I thought it would burst. And in the dream, I said one simple thing. "Thank you God, for this gift." And that was it. The dream was over. In the morning I awoke with this vision in my mind, and I knew, somehow, sometime, a baby would come to me. I would be a mother. I didn't know if it would be through pregnancy or an adoption, but the love I felt was so intense that I just couldn't wait to meet this baby. This dream had been so realistic, activating every one of my senses, it caused me to believe that somehow, it was more meaningful than just random synapses in my brain trying to work something out. I took it as a message.

Now, I'm not saying that it completely took away my depression. I'm not saying I never doubted the dream in my dark moments. But it was there. So clear, so vivid, and always easy to call upon when I needed to.

It took several months, but eventually, my dream came true. The first time I held Baby Boy in my arms, I knew the dream was being realized. And I did thank God for such a gift.

Today is 12 days pIUI. I have not taken a pregnancy test. Mister and I decided to wait it out. At least until we reach a full 2 weeks past the IUI. I think he and I both want to live in the hope that we feel for as long as it is possible. If I'm not pregnant, and I do a test today, I might be robbing myself and Mister of two more hopeful days. I know this may sound crazy, but after nearly 4 years of trying to conceive, you take what you can get. Sometimes, that is just putting off the disappointment in exchange for two more days of hopefulness.

This past weekend we went to Mister's parents' house in the country. Mister's brother, sister-in-law and their youngest daughter (4 months old) were also visiting from New Orleans, so it was a full house. We had a lot of fun. And, every time my sister in law started talking about pregnancy and childbirth (like, "Every time I'm pregnant, blah, blah, blah..") I was able to soothe myself by saying inwardly, well, I will know what it's like soon. I could even be pregnant right now. So, that's the good thing about being in the two week wait, I guess.

And the last night we were there, I had a dream.

Again, this dream was very vivid. It was very clear in its simplicity. In the dream I held a pregnancy test in my hand. It was not the kind where you see one line if you're not pregnant, and two lines if you are. This test had one window with a great, big, blue (+) sign in it. I held it and stared at the (+) sign for a long time, and my heart filled with joy and excitement. It was so clear and vivid that it woke me up in the middle of the night. And, later that night, after I had fallen back asleep, I had the exact. same. dream. Again.

So, based on previous experience, I am deciding to believe in the dream. I could pooh-pooh it away. I could say it is just my subconscious dealing with all the thinking I am doing about wanting to be pregnant when I am awake. At night, my brain is just sorting through it, and mirroring it back to me. It is not a message, just a reflection of my longing. But no, I choose to believe that, like my other dream, something, someone--God, The Universe, my Higher Self, is trying to send me a message: Have heart. It will happen.

It may not be this cycle. Truth be told, I do not feel pregnant. If anything, I feel a bit like my period will come in a day or two. I have no idea when the dream will happen in real life. But, I am choosing to hold on to the belief, at least for now, that I have it on good authority that it WILL happen.

Adoption Progress, IUI and Other Random Stuff

So we recently received what is (supposedly!) the LAST piece of paperwork we need to fill out for Baby Boy's adoption. And, (supposedly!) after we fill it out we will be getting a court date. We're hoping for a court date in December (if we're darn lucky) so that Baby Boy's adoption will be finalized in 2007--the same year he was born. That would feel really good to us, and would be a great Christmas present for our little family.

As for the IUI. I am 7 days post IUI and I don't feel anything. No sore boobs, no fatigue, no tell-tale pregnancy signs. If anything, I feel like I usually do at this point in my cycle--with Aunt Flo comin' round the bend, in about 5 days. However, I guess it's not over till it's over, so I'm trying to keep positive. I am not scheduled for a blood test or anything, so I guess I'll be peeing on a stick by Monday (12 dpiui). Unless of course, I get my period by Monday.

Today I took Baby Boy to a Gym.boree class. This was very interesting. I think it was a little overwhelming for him. He started crying a shrill, high-pitched cry at one point and I had to take him out of the play area to calm him down. I think we'll give it another try, though--and see if he warms up to it. It is a good way for him to really move around and get some more activity. (Not a lot of space for him to explore in our tiny house!) Speaking of exploring, right now he's ripping up some magazines, so I'd better go.

Bye!

So Well Said

If you haven't already, please hop over to Mel's blog and read this post. I will be emailing it to everyone I know.

Wham, Bam, Thank You, Ma'am

Well, the IUI was so quick! I don't know what I was expecting--like some sort of ritual would ensue after I was inseminated or some such nonsense. I guess there's really not much to it. I swear, from the time I got my feet in the stirrups, to the time the doc was wishing me good luck and heading out the door, had to be, no more than 2 minutes. Tops.

It was about as uncomfortable or painful as I expected. I'm still feeling slightly "twingey" but wouldn't put it in the same category as say, menstrual cramps.

The good news is that Mister's--er, contribution was glorious: plenty of 'em, and fast-moving. So, now I am just envisioning all these rock-star sperm, hanging out with my two Amazonian, Lucy La.wless-type eggs, just having a party in my, um, fertile crescent.

The doc was the same woman as yesterday--not my real RE. But, I guess they have the doc of the day do the simple procedures. Fair enough. Also, I never asked for my bloodwork results. I figured if my FSH was super high, it would bum me out, and I need to be as positive as possible right now. No news is good news at this point.

Here I go into the 2WW!

The Update

So, all went well today with the ultrasound! Righty: one 28mm one 16mm, Lefty: one 25 mm. And, I'm about ready to pop. Doc said that the two 20 somethings are really big--and that the "lil guy" probably won't catch up in time but the big guys are definitely ready to go. I asked if this means I responded well to the Clom.id, and she told me this was really good.

IUI scheduled for tomorrow (Wednesday) at high noon!

Now, I'm just hoping these over-acheiving eggies don't pop out too soon! Hang on guys!!

Nervous

I'm going in for my day 11 ultrasound today, to see what my lil' ovaries are up to. I am very nervous. I'll also be getting the results from my last round of blood work. I am hoping to see ovaries full of ripening follicles!

Appointment is at 2:15--I'll update when I get back!