Quickie

Hi--
Soooo busy with work and other stuff the past couple of days--no time to write. Got up at 5 a.m. this morning to go to the Flower Market, and just got home from work. Exhausted. So, the very quick update on the RE appointment: I LOVE MY NEW RE!!! The appointment went very well, and now Mister and I have much to consider. I will spill all the details soon. I promise. But now I must make dinner, play with Baby Boy and go to bed early. ZZZZzzzzzzzzzz

Gird Your Loins!

Alright, I'm going in...
Today is the day. My appointment with a new RE. I am very nervous and sort of jittery right now. Which is weird, because up until today, I've been totally calm about the whole thing. I guess now that it's here...I am nervous about what he is going to say. I am afraid it will just be more bad news. Or, I should say, the same news as before. Which is bad. I am afraid he will just give me the whole Donor Egg speech again. I'm afraid he will say I have useless ovaries.

The good news this time though, is....I am a little better prepared. I know some things he might say, and I though I don't want to hear them, I am prepared to hear them. This time around, I am at least already a Mom. I have that little boy to go home to, so I feel a little less desperate. A little. Also, my sister is coming to meet me and take care of Baby Boy during our (Mister is coming with me, thank goodness) appointment. So, I have double support if it goes badly. This time I have more questions to ask, and I am also more empowered with the knowledge (despite what this RE might tell me) that women with my condition can and do get pregnant. Some even naturally. Many with the help of drugs, IUI, or IVF. With their own eggs. And....that even if none of those things ever work for me, I know two things: 1. I am a good mother, and my son loves me. If we adopt again, my other child(ren) will love me, too. 2. If I reeeeeaaaally need to experience pregnancy some day, I can do the Donor Egg thing later, when finances allow. There is not such a rush if I'm not using my eggs, and I can still experience pregnancy.

But, I still want a miracle. I still want that pregnancy. I still want some spark of hope. I still want a different outcome than what has come before.

We shall see. I'll update tomorrow.

Wish me luck!!

Small Disappointments

I awoke a few minutes before my scheduled alarm this morning (aka 4:45 a.m.--it's Flower Marketing day) to that familiar feeling of Aunt Flo knocking on my uterus door. "Ugh," I thought as I slithered out of bed, tiptoed over the sleeping dog, and skulked into the bathroom, "why now?" Well, why not now? At least she's fairly punctual. Fairly. The sad thing was that earlier in the week I thought I was supposed to get AF and I allowed myself (foolishly) to get a little excited that perhaps, maybe, possibly, she was l.a.t.e.. But, a quick review of my calendar yesterday proved me wrong by a few days, and, of course, here she was this morning, on the dot, so to speak.

And, unlike in times gone by, I didn't dissolve into sadness. I didn't get angry and frustrated. Just mildly annoyed as I popped a few Ibuprofen. A minor, albeit regularly scheduled, inconvenience.

But, all that silly hopefulness, and "what-if, just maybe..." kind of thinking over the past couple of days, had me in a really good mood. Which, I must admit, is not totally crashed-and-burned, but is much, much, dimmer considering this morning's arrival.

But why would I even let myself think for a minute that this month would be any different than the all the other months that have come and gone over the past three years?

Dunno. Eternal (guarded) optimist?

I have been trying some new fun ("fun"-?) fertility stuff though: The acupuncture, as you know. I also started using a new fertility ("fertility"-ha.) monitor, called "Maybe Baby" which I purchased off the Internet. A simple dot of spit on the little lens tells you if you are about to ovulate by the ferning pattern that appears when you look at your saliva under the mini-microscope. Quite fun to play with, actually, and much more convenient for my busy lifestyle right now than OPK's and BBT charting.

The super healthy diet and the no caffeine or alcohol thing though has been a challenge. I've sort of been off and on with the "diet" since last winter, after I read "The Infertility Cure" by Randine Lewis. I'll admit, it's much easier to do during my slow season when I have more time to plan, shop for, and prepare my meals, and I'm not always on the go-go-go. Cooking at home? What? Not till November or so, when work slows down.

But, somehow, I guess I held some hope that maybe something would shift for me.

But, no--not this month.

However, I guess, now is the beginning of a new cycle, and another chance to work on things in fertility land.

Gotta try and drink my wheat grass more often.

Ah well....for now it's okay to indulge in some much needed wine (and whine?) on the first day of the new cycle, right? I think I'll be picking up a bottle of white on the way home. I can go back on the wheat grass and sugar-free wagon tomorrow, right?

Tomorrow is another day....

p.s. As I write this, my "intern" (the 18-year-old pregnant one) is chatting away about her "bump" to one of the other girls. Oh heck. Where's that bottle of wine?!

Not Much to Report

Hello All,
First, I want to thank everyone who sent me their supportive comments. It is so nice to be reminded that there are other people out there who can actually understand what I'm going through, and are empathetic. Not many people around me are super sensitive to the whole thang that is INFERTILITY!.

My friend, J. is about 10 days away from her due date. I had the opportunity to spend some quality girl time with her a week ago, and I have to say, I am pretty proud of myself. I asked her to tell me how she was feeling, I let her "complain" about her pregnancy symptoms, and I just tried to be a good friend, and put that whole IF thing on the shelf as much as one can. At the end of our "friend date" I even put my hand on her belly to feel the baby kicking, and I put my face near her belly button, and said, "Little Dude, this is your Auntie Frenchie, I can't wait to meet you. Be nice to your mommy when it's time for you to come out! I love you." And, even though tears were appearing as I stood back up, I meant it all. It is possible to love your pregnant friend, love her baby, be happy for her, wish her the best of everything, and still be a little bit sad that it's not you in her shoes.

And, in my own little world, I have been going crazy as usual with work/home/life responsibilities, but I have to say, it all means nothing when I look at Baby Boy. Every time I think it is NOT possible to love that kid any more than I already do, another day goes by, and I discover a new level of love for him. Sometimes, I'll be holding him, giving him a bottle, or just playing with him, and I just start crying (Okay I cry a lot. I'm a cryer. V. annoying) because I just loooooove him so much! And I can't believe he's MY son. I guess that's what being a mom is all about...just being so in love with your child, that it is bigger than you ever could have imagined, and impossible to really explain. Adopted, biological child, product of donor eggs, donor sperm, in vitro, carried by surrogate, whatever the case...your child is your child. The most precious person in your life, the person that makes you A MOM! How wonderful! How awesome! Anyway, he is such a gift from that Big Guy Upstairs. And, I just felt that I should let y'all know, that despite the frustration of the whole IF thing, (which I mostly talk about here on this blog) that I am very aware of how dang lucky I am. I am. I know. Deeply privileged to be his mother.

Phew. Getting a little ver klempt.

In other news, my appointment with my new RE approaches (Sept. 10th). I don't know if he'll have anything new or interesting to tell me, but we'll see. If they are willing to do IUI with us, it might be something to consider. A cheaper option than IVF. Waaaay cheaper. *sigh* I don't know.

A very nice person made a comment on my last entry about Donor Eggs. Yes, it is in the list of Things to Consider. The good thing about donor eggs would be (aside from a high chance of actually getting pregnant and delivering a healthy baby! *My darn eggs--phhhhhtttt*) that there wouldn't be such a huge rush. I mean, if we're not worrying about my ageing eggs, and since there's nothing wrong with my uterus, etc., I could certainly do the whole DE thing in several years. Which is probably the amount of time it would take to save up the money to do it. Hmmmm.

Anywhoo...what's up with you all?

Two Paths

There have been many conversations around our house lately (and some tears, to boot) regarding whether or not (and how, and when) Mister and I will (or will not) pursue bringing another child into our family. I, as you all know, very much want to experience pregnancy and child birth as part of my experience of being a mother. I also would very much like to have a biological child (as opposed to using Donor Eggs, which is also a consideration). Mister, however, couldn't care any less whether or not we have a biological child. He wants to have more children, but whether or not they come from our bodies, doesn't really make a difference to him. It may have to do with the fact that he, himself is adopted, and he is totally secure and happy within his family, and never felt like he was missing out on anything being an adopted child. He never felt the need to seek out his biological parents--he always says that he had the best parents anyone could ask for, so why go searching for something else?

And, that's sort of the attitude he has with our family. Baby Boy is the best child we could have ever hoped for (and he is) so why go looking for something more? When it's time to add a sibling to our family, adoption is a great way to do it. It worked out for us once, why dive into the murky waters of ART and why on earth would we go back to the emotional roller coaster of trying to conceive?

However, he does understand that it is important to me to at least try. Or so he says.

But (and I mean a BIG BUT) we do not, at this point have the means to do IVF or any other expensive fertility treatments. We are still in debt from the adoption (and other things) so, there isn't any money to pursue ART. And, we certainly won't be doing our lives, relationship, or Baby Boy's future any good to go further into debt at this point.

Mister is a logic and statistics kind of person. He looks at the odds, and makes unemotional decisions based on reality. Chances of getting pregnant, even with IVF, are on the low side. The stakes are high, financially (and emotionally, too) so why gamble? Go with the safe bet, and pursue a path that has a 100% guarantee of having a baby at the end of it: adoption.

How can I explain my deep longing to become pregnant, and carry a baby to term? How can I fly in the face of such sound logic and say, "No! We have to choose the other path!"?

Can I?

Even in the absence of trying any expensive ART, Mister does not want to even try the "Natural" path. (Acupuncture, herbs, diet, yoga, etc.) That, too, he says, is expensive. (It can be). And why would we spend any money on something that isn't going to work anyway, when we need to spend any money we can spare on paying down our debt and putting money away for Baby Boy's college?

I don't know, how can we? Why should we?

Is the fact that I feel deep, deep down in my bones that there is a child that is meant to come to us through my body. That, though the challenges are many, that I deserve the opportunity to pursue my dream, so that I can feel that I have done all I can before I give up the dream.

Is that crazy?

Of course, I don't want to push our family into financial ruin. Not for this dream or any other.

But aren't both people within a relationship entitled to pursue their dreams, at least, in a responsible way, as long as both partners can agree? Can't there be a way to move forward that that allows me to feel some empowerment in knowing I am doing WHAT I CAN to pursue optimum fertility?

I am willing to give up many things (and I already have) to make room in the budget: Therapy, manicures, hair stylist (I have actually started cutting my own hair--and coloring of course). I am no clothes horse, and I drive a hand-me-down car. All this I do without complaint. The one thing I want, in the absence of being able to afford medical treatements, is to go to acupuncture twice a month and take whatever herbs my TCM prescribes.

This, I feel, at least, will promote and foster whatever fertility I may still possess.

Am I crazy?

Still there is another side of me that says, "I am tired." I am tired of the trying, the wanting, the hurting, the jealousy and the arguments. There are plenty of times where I look at my son, and think, "This is enough. I am happy." Those moments are wonderful.

Maybe one day soon, I will come to a place where I am totally, 100% fine with not trying anymore to get pregnant.

In the meantime, the stress of doing NOTHING is too great.

Maybe I am crazy. This is sounding a little schizophrenic, even to me.

But, for now, I am doing the following:
Acupuncture 2x month. (I have a new acupuncturist, who specializes in fertility issues, and I looooove her).
Whatever herbs (bleeech!) she prescribes.
Lots of vitamins, supplements (folic acid, fish oil, CoQ10)
Trying (TRYING!) to eat right. No white flour, sugar, caffeine, alcohol.
Trying to gain some weight. (I am one of those annoying women who actually complains about being too skinny.) But it's true, if you saw me, you'd probably tell me to eat a sandwhich.

As soon as my busy season winds down, I hope to do more for my body, such as yoga.

I'm trying to find some time each day to breath deeply. I need to learn to meditate.

I'm trying (TRYING) to think positive thoughts. I know, I know, I've even referred to myself as Miss Negativity. I'm trying to change that. Some creative visualization and positive thoughts can't hurt, at least.

I am going to see a new RE next month to get a second opinion on my diagnosis and prognosis. This is purely a fact-finding mission, since, as you know, IVF is not an affordable option right now. If it even IS an option, with my eggs, at all. Well, I'm going to find out what the deal is.

Two paths, one already traveled, one unknown and full of potholes. Which one will we take?

Negative Spaces

There has been a lot of baby-and-or-pregnancy related stuff going on around me lately. Last week , I attended my friend, J.'s baby shower. I actually wrote a post about the baby shower, but took it down after I received a somewhat 'slamming' comment from an Anonymous lurker. She accused me of being extremely negative. Well, she was right. I was in a very negative place at the time I wrote the post. It is true, that I feel very deep pain about being infertile. I can't help it. I try to think happy thoughts, and focus on the positives. And, doing so helps me get through the negative spots. But, I have to have a place to vent. I guess that really comes out in my posts, and, overall, makes me look like a really negative person. If I had time to post every day, I'd probably post about a lot of other things in my life, things that have a more positive ring to them, but I don't. About once a week or so, I sit down, and write. I write about all the negative thoughts that have been swirling around in my head or things that have been bothering me, hurtful comments that others have made, or situations that I have found difficult to deal with. I have to get it all out, so that my husband, my co-workers, my friends and my family don't have to hear about it. Because they don't want to hear about it any more, I'm sure, and, well, I have to try to go out into the world and seem normal, and hopefully, somewhat minimally pleasant to be around. I especially need to do this for the sake of my son. I want him to have a happy mom. And, blogging about the infertility stuff helps. A place to put it--a way to get it out, and (hopefully) let some of it go, until it builds up again and I write another post. It's sort of like therapy, only, way, way cheaper.

Anonymous was right--I am sure I do come off as being very negative. I have never been a Suzy-sunshine, God-has-a-plan, the-sun-will-come-out-tomorrow sort of person. I am a little more cynical, sarcastic, and distrusting than all of that. But that is not 100% of my personality. I'm sorry if that's all I present HERE. I will try to post about more positive things when I can, but I am not promising things will change over night. So, Anonymous Commenter, if you don't like the tone of my blog. Please find another blog to read. This is my space to spew whatever I want. I don't even NEED anyone to read it, just need to write it. But, thank you for your comments. I have taken the time to really think about them and consider them.

But, I digress. To return to the original purpose of this post:

My friend J.'s baby shower was lovely. She was very pregnant, happy, and glowing. I was very very happy for her. But it was hard to watch. Sorry, but it was. It just was. I was proud of myself for showing up, and participating as much as I could in the revelry. I really made the effort. But, I had to leave after about 2 hours. The rest of the afternoon was difficult. I was PMSing really hard which did not make it any easier. And, yes, I was in a negative place.

Then, this past week, one of the young (18-years-old) girls that works for me as an intern, announced she was pregnant. There was a lot of glee and talk and giggling and general merriment around the workshop in response to the announcement. She claims it was an oops! pregnancy, but I am not so sure. She said she took the home pregnancy test, and said to her mom, as they looked at the pee-stick, "make that 2nd line go away! ha, ha..." This was like a knife in my gut. Luckily, I was in my office--I could hear everything they were saying, but they could not see me crying. As the pregnancy talk went on and on, I had to find some errands to run, so that I could get out of there for a while.

I decided to come home for lunch. To see my hubby, and get a little bit of a baby-fix. Seeing my son's face just cheers me up. He is so precious to me.

However, Baby Boy was taking a nap. And, my husband took the opportunity of my being home to let me know that his brother's wife had just given birth to their third child. A girl, with a beautiful name. I knew the announcement was coming any day. And I am genuinely happy for them. But, at that moment, it just made me feel totally spent and empty.

It is true, I still long to achieve a pregnancy and have a healthy baby. I wish I had a different body and could some how make it happen. I always dreamed of having children (plural) and I always vowed I would not raise an Only Child. However, the reality is that after begging, borrowing and stealing (that is a figure of speech, we didn't steal anything) to hire a kick-ass adoption firm, and then being matched surprisingly quickly with our birth-mother, and pulling a rabbit out of our collective hat to be able to go through with the adoption before we were financially prepared, we are too broke to pursue any Fertility Treatments. It may be a long time before we have the money to do so, by which time, any dim chance we now have, will only be dimmer, or, burned out completely.

So, it is true, the pregnancy and birth announcements, the happy wonderful baby showers for my pregnant friends, they sting. I wish it were me.

However, to set Anonymous Commenter straight: I do value, love and cherish my son. He is the brightest light in my life and I would not want to have a life without him. You are wrong that I don't appreciate him. But, like many women who face secondary infertility (they have a child but cannot conceive a second time) the love I feel for my existing child does not extinguish the longing in my heart for the other child(ren) I always thought I would have. And, in my case, never having had a successful pregnancy and being the only person in my circle of friends who has started building her family through adoption, I can feel very alone in all of this. Some support would be nice. But that is another negative space in my life I need to find a way to fill, I guess.

Now, I am going to go play with the World's Cutest Baby and (Happily! No negativity!) go about my very blessed day.

Dear Fertile People

Dear Fertile,
My name is Frenchie, and I have taken it upon myself to write you this letter on behalf of myself and my other Infertile friends. We have a few requests for you, if you would please take a moment to consider the following:

1. Please, and I mean PUH-LEEAAASSSE (!) don't whine and moan about your pregnancy symptoms in front of your infertile friends. I know you are uncomfortable, and indeed you have every right to bitch about your swollen ankles and your aching back. But, keep it between you and your fellow fertile friends. Trust me, no matter how "fine" your Infertile friend might seem, she DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT. Consider the following: Though you are struggling with discomfort and even pain, it is nothing compared to the pain of infertility. Your infertile friend would gladly take on all the nausea and discomfort if it meant she could be pregnant and deliver a healthy baby. I know, I know, the extra weight of your pregnancy is making your plantar fasciitis bother you even more, and I know it sucks you have to wear that brace thingy on your foot, but your infertile friend would probably cut off her own leg below the knee and stick in a broom handle for a peg-leg and hobble around on that for the rest of her life if it meant she could be pregnant and deliver a healthy baby.

2. Please, PLEASE! If you MUST complain about your symptoms and problems, DO NOT say something like, "I just wish my body would function normally." Hey, all bets are off when it comes to being pregnant with regard to what weird things your body is going to do, and you signed up for that when you got knocked up. Deal. Again, I know it sucks, but keep those kinds of comments to yourself. I guarantee your infertile friend is thinking, "Well, your body functions normally enough to make a baby!" Trust me, she'd trade places with you in a fetal heartbeat.

3. If you have recently found yourself pregnant, don't try and hide it from your infertile friend, but be nice, and find a time when you are not at a party or some other gathering to give her the news. Do NOT under any circumstances, start musing about how easy it was to get pregnant, or what strong swimmers your husband must have. Such comments are dangerous, because they have been known to send Infertiles into psychotic fits. If you must talk about such things, make sure the room is clear of sharp objects.

4. Be supportive of your friend. Especially if she has 1. had a pregnancy loss (no matter how early in the pregnancy), 2. has recently gotten bad news on the type of infertility she and her partner are facing, or 3. has recently had a negative pregnancy test after a cycle of IVF or IUI. Treat these things with the same reverence and caring you would give her if she had 1. lost a "real" living child. Believe me, from the moment she got a positive pregnancy test, that child was very real and living. 2. had just found out about another serious medical crisis, such as cancer. Studies show the stress Infertiles deal with is the VERY SAME level as those dealing with life-threatening illnesses such as cancer. It is a very real life-crisis. 3. had just gone through a very expensive and risky procedure to potentially cure her life-threatening illness, and was told by the doctors that it didn't work.

5. Speaking of IVF and IUI, take TWO minutes to go on the internet and find out what some common lingo is in your friend's world. Really, you should know what an RE is. COME ON!

6. When you do spend time with your infertile friend, please understand, she may not want to hear about every other friend, co-worker, family member or acquaintance of yours that is ALSO pregnant. I know pregnancy is very much on your mind right now, but find SOMETHING ELSE to talk about, honestly. Every new pregnancy announcement is like a dagger in your infertile friend's gut.

Thank you for taking the time to consider these suggestions. If we work together, the relations between Infertiles and Fertiles can hopefully improve.

Yours,
Frenchie